A
male
age
,
*andsomestranger
writes:This woman was previously abused in a very long term marriage. (slapped around then forcibly Raped on her wedding night by her husband.) He abused her in many other ways as well. He made her feel guilty and took great advantage of her. She is now emotionally vulnerable. She is convinced this new guy can do no wrong. Hey everybody, seriously, what is your opinion on this. This new guy told this woman he is willing to set aside his desires for her to be her friend. Then...Proceeded to convince her that it is ok to kiss her intimately and fondle her breasts. Is this the way you show a woman you have set aside your desires for her. If this is, what is showing your desire for her?What does this say about the guy? Is she in a fantasy?A very vulnerable girl friend of mine said her man interest told her this and well.... The rest is already said.Thanks. Your opinions are needed to show her the true value of this interest of hers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): Sir, now I don't now how much of this post is fiction; and the rest is just your own personal unrequited love-story.
She met someone else, allows him to fondle her, just as you did. Now she's some vulnerable fragile girl with full-grown children. He's a fake, a total user, and yet she thinks he can do no wrong. Sounds like he's the kind of man she likes.
All you know about this woman is the stories she has told you. Unless you were present during her marriage to the abusive husband you described. Otherwise; you only know what you're told.
Men have done people harm and ended up in jail behind tall tales and fabrications of women who made up complete stories of being victims. They are always in dangerous liaisons with men, while everyone else is concerned about their safety and well-being. Well, apparently she doesn't care what your opinion is of this man. She happily accepts his lies, as you claim. I highly doubt he's the devil you're describing. I sense some envy, and disdain growing from it.
I think you're making things up as you go, to create a villain and damsel in distress. Painting yourself the hero. I think the story may be entirely made-up. If not, my most sincere apology. It just seems to grow as you go.
I'm not an idiot; nor are my fellow aunts and uncles. I think this is more about you, then her.
She has chosen to be his victim, used, and fondled. That is what she wants.
Apparently she doesn't want it from you. So you've decided she doesn't know what she's doing. If she is as fragile and messed up as you claim, she certainly wasted no time finding a new man.
Is it your life-long responsibility to protect a full-grown woman from herself, and her bad choices? She can be as frivolous and irresponsible as she likes. She's got you to change her diapers when she soils herself.
Now I see a fuller picture following your additional comments, and have less concern. She has absolutely nothing to worry about. No matter what she does, you'll be there to tell her what to do, and with whom she should do it.
I suggest that you allow her to live her life as she pleases, and deal with the consequences. There is law enforcement and a legal system there for her protection. All you can do is advise her. You can't tell her what to do. Seems that's the kind of men she has all around her. Maybe she knows what she's doing after-all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): OP it's a simple case of white knight syndrome. You've been sucked into a situation with a woman you more want to save than actually love.
OP I call it white knight syndrome because there are so many things about this woman that make her 100% not relationship material and yet you still proceed thinking you can change that.
The reality is she's more likely to choose the familiar type of guy than the co-dependent martyr you are.
OP I'm not going to go into too much detail, you really need to step outside this situation emotionally for a minute and read your questions like someone else is asking them.
This was a different story when it seemed like a protective friend but you're not. You're the one living in the swashbuckling damsel in distress fantasy here not her.
It actually sounds like she used you for emotional support, gave you a little of what you desired and then realised you're an utter creep, which, and I mean no offence, you are acting.
I know it because I've been there, a long time ago I got sucked into the allure of a woman who needed saving and I acted like a complete fool and a creep. Same as you. What I didn't get at the time is it was never about her, it was never about me wanting to fix her in any kind of good way it was to serve me. It was for my benefit, to put back the pieces of woman in a way that she would be grateful to me and in a nice sick twist put me back together too.
You see OP, you're the same, sure you have strong feelings and you may have yourself convinced that you're being selfless here but you're not. This woman has nothing good to offer you, she's even stopped speaking to you and here you are refusing to cede to defeat, refusing to see how you're being a complete creep. Because fixing someone is about control, it's about taking someone who is vulnerable and moulding them into the woman you want them to be. That's not grounds for a healthy relationship at all and you know it.
This nothing to do with her in any way, this is all your messed up fantasy, OP. This is your hero fantasy and while you don't see it now you're playing some very twisted games here and for all the wrong reasons, and I don't care how much you tell yourself you're better than the other guys she may like, you're not. You're just as bad if not worse because you don't seem to see what you're doing as wrong but you can bet your ass it is. Your interest in her doesn't come from a good place inside you and if you're honest with yourself you'll identify what that is. And now you're bitter and jealous as hell too.
For me it was after a bad break up and to me, fixing that woman was a way of doing some good and fixing myself. I leeched off her pain and if I could fix her, then she'd be perfect and we'd ride off into the sunset, with me feeling like a hero. Like you I couldn't understand why she kept picking assholes, but looking back I can see that there's an honesty to an asshole that guys who are acting like you just don't have because you're not even being honest to yourself.
OP it's time you snapped out of this and stopped this obsession with a woman who cannot give you what you want, a woman you cannot fix and one that is going leave you in a million pieces. It took me years to come to terms with the person I was when I played white knight and I'm no shrinking violet, but to know that I knew she wasn't relationship material and still got sucked into that mess made me feel very vulnerable for a long time. Not vulnerable to women, she literally didn't do anything wrong but be the messed up broken woman she still is, so she wasn't to blame for any of it. I felt vulnerable by my lack of better judgement and it was a tough lesson to learn to but also very valuable.
OP figure out the reasons you have it so bad for a woman who is no good in terms of a relationship, I think deep down you know she can never give you that. I also think deep down you know that this is about you and not her. Men who do this, OP, men who play white knight do not do it from a good place. You need to figure out why this is happening, why you're doing this and you need to sort yourself out and let this woman go. Seriously, read your follow up like it was me telling you my story. Can you not see how confused, hurt and lost that guy is, it's verging on gibberish, OP? There is nothing good about this situation, if you want to save people go volunteer in a soup kitchen.
What if it was my sister? Well I wouldn't want to stick my dick in my sister having convinced myself it would save her now would I? That's what's happening here, OP. You're the one living in a dream and it's quickly becoming a nightmare.
Let her go, let her go for good and start working on whatever has broken in you that you've found yourself in such a twisted situation. Looking back I think I could have gotten through mine a lot faster with some professional help, maybe you should consider that. Or maybe you're just going to continue on in this until she really tears you to shreds, I hope for your sake she never comes back.
Best of luck, OP, it's going to get a lot worse than this before it gets better and when it finally starts to dawn on you what's really happening and how you've really been acting and why, it's going to hit you like a tonne of bricks. So be ready. I will say it one last time, you need to get away from this woman and you need to do it before you completely lose your sanity and pass the point of no return.
It's really scary the places you can find yourself mentally when in this kind of situation, OP, I know them all too well and was on the verge of disaster more than once before I pulled back and when I read what you've written you sound exactly like I did when I was on the verge of breaking. Time to let go. You can't sacrifice anymore of your well being for this woman.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (2 April 2014):
 Your follow up just confirmed a couple of things for me. One, that you've written about this woman before and secondly, this is more about your interests than it is about her well being.
Again, you've told us that she says you're over committing and as I told you in your original post when someone says that to you, they are not afraid of you hurting them. It's a polite way of telling you that they are not quite as interested in you as you are in them.
As the anonymous female below points out we're supposed to come away from bad experiences wiser and stronger, not dumber and weaker. The reason this woman is vulnerable is not because of some past trauma, but because she has learned nothing from it and continues to chase the superficial, just as she did before.
Something else you haven't considered is that you were not there during these traumatic events. All you know is what she chooses to tell you.
OP, your lady friend is a grown woman and whether she makes good choices or bad choices for herself, they are hers to make. Back off and leave her alone or you'll lose her altogether.
For the other aunts and uncles, here is a link to your original submission:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girlfriend-said-i-was-over-committing-and.html
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A
male
reader, handsomestranger +, writes (2 April 2014):
handsomestranger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe was indeed raped, marital rape, on her wedding night. She told me this 9 months after we started spending time together. It was very difficult for her to tell me. He physically abused her until she submitted. Is this the way you treat the woman you love?? Guys, what if this was your sister? What does this do to her? Her life?She further told me her husband was the only man she had known. She never had a boyfriend. Men never paid any time to her. In school, they called her titty and laughed and made fun of her. They made her feel ugly and unwanted. She said she thought he always treated nice before they married. She is a timid, shy girl. She said she didn't really love him, just thought it was a good idea at the time to get married. Afraid to be forever alone. Her religious beliefs is what kept her in marriage, until the kids were grown and married. Alone with him, she feared for her life. She lived her first year after divorce in hiding, afraid he may find her.She said to me, the first time we met, I was nicer to her than what her husband ever was to her. Even before they married. This other guy I refer to makes the little hairs on my neck stand up. He can't keep a full time job. He has issues. He owes a LOT of money. They garnish his wages. She says he has a very problematic life. It didn't take much for him to convince her to let him and his brother use her car to drive from Michigan down to Arkansas because his car wasn't good enough. She only knew him for a few weeks when she allowed this. Girls..... Would you do this?He told her he has a very aggressive life threating form of MS. He WAS going to die from it. Diagnosed 2 years before. Well, within 2 weeks after she told him she was spending time with me, he called and told her his doctor said his MS was no longer going to kill him....... There is NO cure for MS! A friend of mine, IS Going to die from this same form of MS. She's turned her back to me when we've talked about our feelings with each other. When I kissed her for real the first time, She stood there, with that special look in her eyes and on her face. You guys and girls know the look I'm talking about. She then held me close and very tight. I mean, tight. Chests, tummies, groins, thighs... We stood there embraced for a long while. I turned her around and held her from behind, she pushed her tush into my groin. She said she knows a couple that broke up three times before they married. I wanted to kiss her again, she asked that I don't, it will only confuse her. She since, has told me she loves me. She said on several occasions, when I ask about 'him', she says they are only friends... She cares about him, only friends. Yet the fore play? He lives a short hours drive one way. Close yet far enough away. I do believe she is living in a fantasy. With him, she can keep her distance. Talk to him on the phone. She saw him once inside of 2 months recently. I once had a huge crush on a girl.. She lived 45 minutes away. I talked to her frequently. Rarely went out because of distance, time, I thought I was falling in love..... NO! it was fantasy. I only liked the idea of it. We are friends, close friends..... Not love. My girl feels I am over committing. She may be partly right. I love her.... I am in love with her. Now she chooses not to spend time with me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): I feel confused reading your post, wedding night? how are you sure it was rape? did she tell you this? was he prosecuted? or was it all behind closed doors domestic violence? Is this why she stayed with him for years and years? how did she break free?You say she is vunerable and yet another horrible man is taking advantage of her. If you are honest, it sounds like it is you, who has the desire for this vunerable lady and want to protect her.You both play your roles: she is the vunerable lady and YOU are her rescuer.Often after abusive relationships, men/women come out stronger and wiser and more on guard with potential suitors. You do not come out dumb and incapable of deciding if you want to kiss someone. I agree 'fantasy' comes somewhere within this, some people play the 'forever victim' and some play the 'I am the one to save you', and some people just bullshit.If she has been abused sexually physically mentally emotionally and survived, enough to attempt LOVE again, then she's tough enough and has the right of passage to find her own way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): I see nothing wrong in this, OP. If you take away the "vulnerable" tag do you see anything wrong in what is happening? No.
OP just because she may be at greater risk due to her past doesn't mean you can wrap her in cotton wool either.
"Vulnerable" women gravitate towards a certain kind of man in my experience. Either that or they go the opposite. Some people were born victims and they remain that way their entire lives and while we may like to think no one can like living that way, you'd be surprised how many do.
By all means voice your concern and let her know she should be careful but that's it. Her life, her choices and she's a grown woman capable of making those herself.
Besides, OP, she knows the worst in men, for all you know she's well able to protect herself and smart enough to know if a guy is going to be a problem. I see nothing in what has happened to indicate that he will be. For all you know she may have initiated everything.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (1 April 2014):
It says he's not a stand up guy and you're friend is in fantasy land, BUT that is her choice. All you can do is warn her, which you have. Leave the rest up to her, but don't go rushing to her side when it hits the fan. If she wants the freedom to choose to get into this mess, she shouldn't be treated like a victim when trying to get out of it. You're friend is not a victim. She's a volunteer.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 April 2014):
I don't think a little bit of consensual intimacy between mentally sound adults is any of your concern.
”Vulnurable” doesn't mean she's not aloud to be intimate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 March 2014):
 Vulnerable or not, IF she is OK with the fondling, then she is OK with it.
But I don't think kissing and getting your boobs fondled is something that relates to a "friendship". Friends don't do that.
Did she discuss it with you because she wasn't SURE it was OK or not? Or to ensure that he is being a good guy?
My guess is she hasn't EVER set boundaries for herself and others and therefore is easily convinced. Or she is not able to trust her gut.
I think this is something you can only GUIDE her with. Not tell her "how" to think. Or "what" to think.
If she is in your age group, she NEEDS to learn to stand up for herself and BY herself.
I'm actually quite impressed that she is even in a new relationship. That is BRAVERY - whether he is a good guy or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): Well, she may be vulnerable; but I don't think she is stupid. Did her ex-husband beat her senseless? Did she loose complete use of her mental faculties and suffer permanent brain-damage?
Putting aside his desires could include a number of things.
Apparently fondling her breast and kissing (making-out) is still acceptable; if not sexual intercourse. You are characterizing this woman as some sort of an idiot; without a sense of boundaries; or the intelligence to reject any moves she finds objectionable. In her eyes, apparently he has done no wrong so far.
So what's your problem?
I think it is up to her to decide what's good for her, and what is not. If she is an adult, she reserves the right to pick and choose her male-companionship. Although she has well-meaning protective friends; what they do intimately is nobody's business but theirs.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 I think I see your concern.
But I think, as a woman who has had to find her own strength that this is a change that needs to happen in her.
Not that I can relate at all to being raped. I think thar is awful. But I believe the solution is in her, and her alone.
I think what you can do is be the still quiet voice saying : I don't judge you, but I think you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of...
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