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I think my husband is financially abusing me, please advise

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 December 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 29 December 2014)
A female Ireland age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I think my husband is financially abusing me, he is in a different country at the moment staying with his family.

He has told me he has not got my savings back which he gave to a family member to invest in some company. I told him not to send them there in the first place.

My friends said his family will have spent my savings along time ago.

They seem to drive round in expensive cars and have nice homes.

And now he keeps asking for money, i sent him some and he keeps asking for more and more.

Now he is saying his laptop is broke and needs more money to fix this so he can speak to me on skype.

I am beginning to get vey angry and feel very abused. I dont want to send him a single penny more. He already lost my savings.

He always sent money to his family and did not care about what i needed.

He does not seem to have any shame in asking. I have looked after him for along time now and he did not care about me, he is very jealous and possesive and does not seem to like me to have any money or something like that and must feel like hes entitled to spend my money.

I dont know what to do, can anyone give me advice?

View related questions: jealous, money

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A female reader, deirdre Ireland +, writes (29 December 2014):

Hi, you asked a question related to this on here before, you should have heeded the advice you got that time as it would have saved you from sending more of YOUR money. I do feel for you, it sounds like you have been completely robbed and if he loved you he could never do this to you. Sorry. And dont send 1 cent more. Then you will have definitive proof whether his feelings are genuine, that is if you still need proof.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 December 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI don't see "abuse".

I see a guy taking FULL on ADVANTAGE of his "legal wife" to support HIS family back home. And I see a woman who is (perhaps) a little too desperate to be married and seen as a good wife, and thus ALLOWING the man to take her for ALL she is worth.

I don't know how much you had in savings, but whatever it was... you can wave goodbye to it. My guess is you have NO legal document stating that is way a loan and with signatures and anything that PROVES they even KNOW you expect the money to be paid back.

I'm sorry. I would STOP sending him ANYTHING. I know in a marriage it's about sharing, but I don't think it's YOUR job to take care of HIM & HIS family while he stays there. He wants his family to have good stuff and money? HE can get a job and support them. THAT is not your job.

Personally, I see nothing in your post about love and a great marriage - all I see is a marriage of convenience (from his side) and I would END it. I would divorce, because this is NOT at all healthy or happy.

And this is NOT making YOU happy either. YOU know it's sham marriage, why not get out?

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A female reader, SeaGreen Canada +, writes (29 December 2014):

SeaGreen agony auntYes, he is fiancially abusing you. I wouldn't send him anymore money and seek a lawyer for divorce immediately.

I'm sorry your husband put you through this but staying with him is a poor choice.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (29 December 2014):

I very rarely say this: we’re all about helping people protect their relationships on this site, but sometimes you’ve got to acknowledge that not everything can be fixed. Get yourself out of this marriage. Is he financially abusing you? Absolutely. I wouldn’t mind betting that if you offered instead to pay a laptop repair place directly and make arrangements for the work to be carried out, he’d find some excuse to justify you handing over the cash instead. These people always want the money, never for you to actually pay directly for the things they claim to need.

His family have used your savings, I would very much doubt you had any legal recourse to get them back as you handed them over freely, presumably with nothing that would constitute a contract in writing.

Alarm bells also start ringing for me when you described him as possessive. It would make sense that he would be possessive: having control over you means you’re more dependent on him and less likely to listen to those who’ll tell you he’s ripping you off. It sounds like you have a sensible head on your shoulders though and are seeing this for what it is: a shameless attempt to use you for money. If you don’t want to send him another penny, for goodness sake just don’t do it. Why do you have to? If he rejects you as a result, or doesn’t understand that you’re unhappy about the way your money is being spent, then you know he was only interested in that in the first place, and tough as it is, you’re better off without him. I’m sorry if that was difficult to read but I can only be honest with you: I think you are being used for your money and deserve better. You’ve already lost too much.

I wish you all the very best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2014):

I agree with Anonymous, you need to leave him. You feel abused because you are being abused, and this is something I can promise will never change. If he ask access to any of your accounts pull the money out of them, hide what you do have because he will take you for every thing. This man has an agenda and its absolutely disgusting what he is doing to you. Its understandable that you want to share with you're spouse,its natural but when it goes so far as to him taking all of your money that you worked for well he didn't do anything towards it, well that's a whole other ball park. You need to get a divorce I also make a bet that he has another wife over there an you are just the ATM for him and his. Before you do anything (I.E. if you do plan on leaving) if you own a home or a car etc put it in say your parents name or siblings name, some one that you can trust, because something tells me once you stop sending him money and being his personal ATM he's going to get nasty andis going to try and take EVERYTHING. I have heard way to many stories like this from woman who have gone or are going through the same thing. I know you must love him but you need to take care of your self. Remember life is give and take not just take and for a relationship to work its the same its give and take. You deserve ahusband an aactual husband not a leech. I'm sorry to be so blunt but it just bugs me seeing people taken advantage of, its sickening. You deserve MUCH better, you sound like a very caring wife you deserve a caring husband.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2014):

You have to to give us more info so we can understand what's going on.

First of all what country he is from? If he is from one of the developing countries, so called 3rd world country this situation is very typical. Men or women marry someone from a country with a more favorable economy and " milking starts" . When I read about his lap top being broke and he needs another one to be able to talk to you on Skype I laughed, because exactly the same story is going on w/ my friend who married a guy from South East Asia and he had nothing when they met. By " nothing" I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, even teeth. There was no even land line phone in his hOuse. My friend bought him cell phone, paid for the service, then laptop followed that he left for his son. Now he lives in US.playing guitar in bars. Everything he makes he sends to his family, children that are left in his home country. Now they have smart phones, and other goodies while my friend is paying for everything he needs in US: house, utilities, food, his GYM, clothes, and his teeth.

Unfortunately you will never get your savings back. They are gone. You made quite a mistake to give him access to your accounts.

Another question: why is he back in his country, and how long he plans to spend there?

Of course he doesn't have any shame in asking. Neither is my friend's

husband. He shamelessly lives of her, sending every penny to his multiple family in his home country. I am pretty sure he didnt even divorse his first wife there.

It's beyond my understanding why women and men do this: marry someone like this who are penniless with obvious agenda in mind.,

I know another couple: reverse situation, the wife is from a poor country. In this case she spends 4 months out of a year in her home country.i think the husband supports the whole vilage there with multiple relatives. She even bought a small hotel there with his money, and all her siblings work there.

You need to leave this man. He will keep milking you dry.

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