A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I believe my boyfriend has an infatuation over his female friend. I sensed and saw it when I first met her and saw how they acted together.(at the time i felt it was just him acting on it to make me jealous, i sensed insecurties, especially as he felt he was 'punching above his weight with me') Since then we've broken up, one of the reasons that I told him was because of how he treated me with regards to her and that friendship group of female friends and I felt 3rd/4th priority to him. We got back together after 3 month break up, and i'm now 6 months into that. Before agreeing on reconciling, he opened up about a lot of insecurities he was suffering from, and how he has realised how self destructing they were, and shared with me and told me he realises what he lost and will do anything to get back with me.Although he has put her and that group on a back burner, they are still a major thorn in my side, because I don't sense any respect going on in that group, they are all about 5 years younger, very attention seeking. Low morals, take all sorts of drugs and talk trashy. Including to my boyfriend in text messages. (Please take my word for it, that isn't a biased opinion, other people commented this.) We are getting along great otherwise, but I always anticipate when he is planning catch up with them. He keeps it rather low key tuesday night food and drinks. However my problem is - I don't know who he is or how he acts around them, previously - it was very disrespectfully to me. I got deeply hurt. I thought perhaps with his consistent good boyfriend acts since getting back together would soothe these wounds, but they are still very much raw. (the other problems have soothed)I have just chatted to him telling him exactly this. I said if I cannot accept it - then perhaps its best we move on . He says he does not want to lose me and lets keep discussing it.I can't see a way to solve the issue? any thoughts? He has 'offered' to cut them out altogether, but I said thats not my decision. He says lets meet up with them together, i said I've got no interest in them anymore, i've been too hurt, plus it makes me feel sick to look that particular girl in the face knowing you have inappropriately flirted and hurt my feelings with her. (He promised nothing has happened between sexually them before.) What he has tried so far is to cut down how often and the place he socialises with them. But after 6 months this hasn't worked for me.Are we at a dead end? Shall I let it go if I cannot trust him? This group make me feel insecure about my relationship with him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 May 2013):
 If he's not willing to cut contact with them, then he's not fully committed to you.
and he's not willing to give them up if he still wants regular contact texting and on social media.
the problem is that the person that issues the ultimatum is the one that should lose. I had friends say "us or him" and even thought hey were GREAT friends and I miss them, I opted for my husband (then boyfriend)
so here's the deal... the way I would play this..
he's too immature to give them up.. he's not ready. You forcing his hand will not make it better but you can't take his friendship with them any more and I don't blame you.
I would say something like this to him to him "boyfriend I love you very much, but I'm not able to cope with your friendship with larry moe and curly. I can't expect you to not be friends with these women, the only thing I can do to take care of myself is to no longer be your girlfriend. It's too painful for me to stand by and watch this. I am so sorry to do this but, our time together must come to an end. I did not make this decision lightly and I hope you understand that if circumstances were different maybe we could work it out. I wish you all the best."
And then YOU GO NO CONTACT... you unfriend him on social media. you delete his phone numbers and emails.... if you don't think you can stay away totally block his numbers and on social media.
There are two outcomes possible:
1. you never have contact again and move on with your life
2. he realizes you are more important to him than these silly girls and he dumps them totally of his own choice and then wants you back.
IF you believe they are totally gone then by all means I would try again... the key is that HE has to be the one to choose to have no contact with them. YOU can't ask.
All you can do is take care of yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much for your kind honest words of wisdom. It's real hard. If he truly wanted to leave them and that part of his life behind. He would have done it by now. He doesn't have room for me and his adolescent tendencies in his life. This is what I have told him, yet he doesn't want to willingly give it up. I respond with 'you know what - I want a Porsche - without a savings plan - its not going to turn up on my doorstep because I keep saying I want it' He looked at me like I was being stupid - I said this is what you sound like to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I think also that your boyfriend has totally validated your feelings and is putting forth a genuine effort to reassure you. But I also know the feeling of being let down and no matter how hard the other person tries, you just cant get over it. And naturally you have your guard up. Ive been there. I would suggest you go with your gut but obviously you wrote on here because you want a way to work around this. Maybe you should take some time apart from him to figure out what you want to do. I think taking space works wonders on realizing important things. Just like when you broke up with him he realized how much he loves you and that he was a jerk. You should do the same. Cause arguing about it and being suspicious and bringing it up is not going to solve anything. Take some time for yourself, a break from the relationship. I stayed with someone for two years who broke my trust several times. But I kept forgiving him but felt alot like you do. Looking back, I should've sent him packing the first time. Its not worth it. You dont have to be so rash but if he loves you, yeah make him wait for you to figure out if hes worth it. Give yourself space. Nothing wrong with that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCutting them out means just not meeting with them for drinks. no cutting off their phone numbers or social media etc.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2013):
IF he has offered to give them up to be with you, and they bother you that much and you want to be with him why would you not say yes.
HE OFFERED.. that means he is willing and if he was not willing to do so, then he would NOT have OFFERED.
the key is he has to mean it.
so he says "I'll stop being friends with them"
you say "what exactly does that mean?"
if he says "NO contact by me, deleting their phone numbers, emails and unfriending them on social media" then go for it.
HE has no control over what they say and do only his own behavior. IF they try to contact him (they will) as long as he ignores it, NO PROBLEM.
DO not cut off your nose to spite your face.
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