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I think I deserve better. I'm pushing too hard to make this relationship work?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 October 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, *ysterium writes:

Hi all,

Ive been dating this guy for the past 4-5 months. He's very different from my part relationships. I had a bad pattern to go for unavailable men but I changed it consciously. My relationship is going well with this person and there were a lot of emotional unmet needs that are finally getting met in this relationship.

But, he is a pessimist and he is cowardly. There might be a possibility that we might not be in the same place for more than a year and he keeps telling me he's not sure about it and because of his past experiences, he doesn't believe in himself to do it well. But he is averse to breaking up with me.

I am an optimist and I work hard for things in my life and so I have the same approach to this relationship. But he gets scared or becomes pessimistic and hopeless. I have to talk him out of feeling so helpless about this.

Somewhere I just feel like I'm pushing too much for this to work out. I think I deserve better. I deserve someone who is equally invested in this. The pros are that he's there for me, he's nice to me and he's stable.

Am I overthinking this?

Thanks for your help,

x

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (13 October 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntYou do realise that he will eventually realise YOUR resentment and disrespect for him- and return that. When you have no respect for your partner everything they do becomes a royal pain, until you just want to explode.

Without respect everything falls apart, that and attraction are the two things a relationship can't do without.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you feel you deserve better then this relationship is not going to work because you are not going to respect him as a person. If you truly loved him and wanted to be with him you would accept his worries and try and reassure him that long distance can work. It seems to me that this relationship is not for you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntTrust your gut instinct. We have one for good reason. If your gut instinct is telling you that - despite the good things - this relationship is not going to make you happy long term, then listen and get out.

Dating is a journey. It is not an end goal in itself. It is a way to meet people and find out what we want in a relationship - and, just as importantly, what we DON'T want. Just because you have found someone who makes you HAPPIER than previous partners does not mean you have to settle for that. You are obviously working hard at moving in the right direction. Don't give up now. If you feel you need more, then go out and find it.

Your boyfriend needs to work on his self esteem and also on his courage. Does he realize why you struggle with that side of his personality? Would he be willing to get help? If not then you need to decide whether this is what you want to put up with for the future. If you already feel you deserve better, then that feeling is only going to get stronger with time. Don't waste your time (or his) if the relationship is not right for you. Finish it kindly and honestly, and find someone who you feel you do actually deserve.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

So you're in a relationship and it's going well. He's great and he is different from all the guys you have previously been with. So far so good.

However the relationship of 5 months may yet become a long distance one for a year and the guy has doubts about your success as a LDR, but not so many that he wants to break up immediately. And because of his doubts and he previous experiences, and possibly also because he won't break up with you, you have labeled him a pessimist and a coward? Seriously?

He may be those things, but he might also be a realist, a man who knows himself, or just as likely, just not as into you as you are to him. So you are probably right about one thing, you are trying too hard to make it work.

Do you deserve better? Well you lack charity in your assessments of people's motives, you see things in a very binary unempathetic way and you seem a little entitled. You'll probably make an excellent politician but your girlfriend skills need work. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2017):

If you think he’s cowardly and pessimistic... it’s not going to work. You have to be able to respect your partner and not think you deserve better.

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