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Why doesn't my boyfriend want to delete his exes from facebook?

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2017) 22 Answers - (Newest, 23 October 2017)
A female Australia age 41-50, *ubsy writes:

Why doesnt my boyfriend want to delete his exes from fb?

Hes sayin that they r just friends and their break up were amicable but i notice a constant interest of them on his posts and messenger and also hints and subliminal comments

One of them even inboxes him at 4am(the time he gets up for work) and by coincidence i was at his place that mornin

To me thats weird coz seems like especially this ex,is obsessed with him

Ps im allowed to check his phone but he doesnt like it and most times he ll try to have it near him (and nowdays he can delete text threads and partial replies on messenger) ??

View related questions: facebook, his ex, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntOP just because you are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you need to give up your privacy. That is why trust is so important in a relationship, without it the relationship does not work because people are paranoid or want there partner to prove they are behaving, a relationship should not be this difficult.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (23 October 2017):

My dear, you refuse to give him up. What you're missing is he comes "as is." You can't change or remake him. He's a player, he doesn't respect you; and he knows you are so addicted to him, you are under his spell.

You actually feed on the drama he creates. It's like nectar to a hummingbird. You have your own live soap opera.

You're hooked on him like a drug, and think you can police and edit his life to make him behave. No chance!

You have no power in his world. He has already shown you he can get around anything you say or do. You say he likes being with you the best. Yeah, you probably cook for him, wash his clothes, do whatever he likes in bed; but you don't own his soul.

He just likes being with you when he needs to rest his head. Somebody to mother and care for him. The others probably aren't as hooked as you are; so he uses your home as his home-base and headquarters. His ladies in-waiting and online harem just wait for his calls and secret-visits. They wouldn't be so actively in-contact; if they get nothing for it, or didn't think they will eventually.

I bet you give him money, pay his phone bill, cook dynamite meals for him. I can tell when a woman is addicted to a man. All these aunts and uncles are wasting our time and wisdom trying to tell you he's no good, if he breaks your heart.

You think you can tame him. Intercept and screen his messages, or calls. Monitor his behavior. He's not your son, and you're not his mother.

He's going to drive you crazy. You're too obsessed; so words of wisdom from all of us mean nothing to a stubborn-woman who loves the wrong man. He has to destroy her first, then she has to rebuild herself from the ground up. Or, be forever shattered as woman.

Somebody advised he deserves your trust. He's not going out of his way to get it. You want to keep him. So I don't know why you wrote for advice. There are no magic words to turn your player into a decent man, or to make his lady-friends disappear. There are obviously no kind of words that will convince you that you can't control nor change him. He's a grown-man, and he has the upper-hand.

Now I see. He's not completely the problem. You're jealous and possessive. You covet him too much. Your self-esteem is in the toilet. Only God deserves so much love and adoration, my dear. Don't make God jealous! Save love for yourself and the Creator! You've given that man too much!

You're the lady who inspired Bob Marley songs! Only, you're the one who "Waits in Vain!"

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (23 October 2017):

YouWish agony aunt"Keeping eyes and ears open" doesn't mean demanding passwords, phone codes, rifling through mail/bills, digging through Facebook private messages, snooping through emails, constant suspicion, or constant accusations and questioning.

Snooping and digging and hacking are all breaches of trust. The whole "He should give up his passwords if he's got nothing to hide" is wrong! Even in the law, you can't just search someone's house or wiretap their phone or search their car. That would be an unlawful search and seizure, so why when you're in a relationship with someone, the assumption is that they have to give up privacy to PROVE anything???

NEVER give or ask for passwords unless you're married. And if you have trust issues because all of the guys you dated before cheated on you, then maybe you need to choose different guys to begin with, because NOT EVERYONE is a cheater, and chances are, if you are dating a guy because he cheated WITH you on someone else, you've already blown up trust.

Your insecurity is YOUR insecurity, just like anger issues that cause people to become verbally or physically abusive are YOUR anger issues. It's not someone else's fault if you lose your temper and start pounding on them, and likewise, snooping, digging, accusing, surveilling, stalking, and making current relationships pay for your past are ALL EMOTIONAL ABUSE!

A woman's "gut feeling" can also be a paranoid imagination reading into everything. When you're demanding passwords, you've crossed the line. You offering your password to try to manipulate them into "opening the kimono" isn't any better either.

No one can control someone else. Trust issues can smother a relationship. Nothing can destroy something good like the emotional abuse of trampling on privacy in the name of "proving there's nothing to hide". Your insecurity is YOUR OWN.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (23 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntYou wish its a womans gut feeling that knows smthing is going on and so she keeps her eyes and ears open.

If the guy has got nothing to hide, why wont he give her some proof that all is good because no secrets.?!!

The so called trust issues,the wouldnt be issuess if the other person cooperates and comprimise.

Any normal relatiinship has these senarious in it at some point.

When you are a unity, should start acting like one

Just words no action,is fake

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (22 October 2017):

YouWish agony auntNo OP, you're wrong about that. Having trust issues is about nobody but YOU yourself. If you were with an egotistical lying boyfriend, YOU chose him! If you've had multiple boyfriends who betrayed your trust, it's because YOU're attracted to the wrong guys.

It's NOT normal to be cyberstalking and tracking a boyfriend's every activity on a regular basis. It's not normal to demand passwords, check phones, read Facebook private messages, and such. It's NOT normal to have to "constantly prove" there's nothing to hide, and it's NOT normal to demand that all suggestion of privacy be forfeited as a condition of your relationship.

What a person does who does NOT have trust issues is when they find out that the person they're with is disloyal or unfaithful, they don't play games. They drop him or her! There's no constant accusation or obsessive nature involved. That's all YOU. You cannot control other people, and no relationship can or should withstand such pressure.

If he's as bad as you say, you drop him. Then you don't take out the untrustworthiness of past boyfriends on future guys! Cheaters will cheat regardless of whether trust issues exist or not. However, good faithful guys (or girls) will find a breaking point when they get paired with partners who have trust issues and have to endure invasions of privacy, constant accusations, and a continual need for reassurance.

I'm glad you dropped this guy, but if you don't take my words to heart, you'll keep having this issue going forward.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (22 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony aunt“You Wish” any woman would start having trust issues with ger man,if shit like these are happening!!!

I dont have baggage

I had an dishonest,egoistic,manipulator of a boyfriend.

I dont need therapy, he needs to change his disloyal ways because its not on!

I wont put up with not being a priority in his life,when it comes to his hoes

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (13 October 2017):

YouWish agony auntAre you REALLY age 41-50?? Your post grammar has deteriorated some.

You've got a real problem on your hands. It's one thing to have an ill-used Facebook account with an ex from 30+ years ago on it. It's another to STAY in contact with exes. It's still quite another thing to be in PRIVATE contact with these exes.

Nobody can have a relationship with baggage like this, where he keeps exes on reserve and constantly hedges his bets like he's doing.

As for you, nobody can have a relationship with YOUR emotional baggage either, and you DO have it. Relationships are NOT for snooping, surveilling cell phones, checking car mileage, accusations, and constant questioning and obsessive need for reassurance. If you have a boyfriend who is in contact like he is, STOP WASTING your time with all of that stupid crap and dump him!

Likewise, let's say the next time you fall in love, he's a much better and more loyal guy, yet your trust issues and insecurity destroy the relationship from the inside out?? You need to drop the baggage both in him, and in yourself.

CHOOSE better guys! A cheater will cheat no matter how obsessively you go over his entire existence like the thought police, or if you don't! A loyal guy will not put up with thought police relationship mentality and will drop you just as justifiably as you would drop an actual cheater, because BOTH the cheater AND the obsessive trust-issue controller are betraying other people's trust.

End this relationship and then go see a counselor to address your trust issue with all men so that you don't emotionally suck dry the next guy you're with, and you won't choose a cheating dog next time.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (13 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntWise owl u r rite

Da ting dat was confusin fo me is most of his free time he d luv to soend it wif me, so i know he luvs bein wif me

But we had few arguments bout his exes in his digital life(i dont know if he sees them live at da times we r not togetha) n he doesnt comprimise at all n dat shits me to bits

If he delete them tho n gave me his fb password coz he want to b honest n show me hes got notin to hide, i mite concider givin him a chance but i highly doubt it

We broke up once fo similar reason n i was shattered

Dis time i feel a big relive n i can funtion normaly in my evryday life n im not hurtin. I can finally breathe!!!

Im just stunned,angry n puzzled by stoopid egoistic behaiviour

Its k

He can hav his pebbles n lose a diamond

Xo

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 October 2017):

Okay, you've said you and your boyfriend broke-up. That's nothing really to celebrate. The anger and frustration of it all makes you feel a little numb; but in a few days you'll start feeling sentimental, and he is going to play on your feelings.

You've got to mean what you say, and back it up with your actions. This isn't going to be easy. First of all, your head is going to start messing with you about those other girls. He doesn't respect any of you. You're all there at his beck and call, and to give him a warm bed and a hot meal. He likes a lot of female-attention, and will not give them up for you.

He sounds like a player from your description; and guys like that keep girls calling, so they'll always have a backup when one falls out of line.

You're a mature lady. It's time to stop letting guys play you around; and treating you like a fool. You're not a teenager anymore. Time for something real and serious.

I know the vast majority of the females come to us telling their sad story of boyfriends with a lot of lady-friends. They announce their breakups; and not more than a few days later, they're telling us he called and said this and that. Well, players know how to get in your head, and they use women. The cell phone is their favorite tool. Everyone has an addiction to their devices, and sit by them all day long.

He'll call, because he wants you to be like all the others; calling and begging for his time and attention. He has already manipulated you enough that you're putty in his hands, and all you do is complain; but at the end of the day, you put-up with it.

You're a mature lady and you know a few things about men. If you like bad-boys, they will run you into the ground; until you're useless to yourself, and anybody else. They damage you on purpose, so you won't find anything better.

I wish you the best, and I hope you stick to your guns.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (12 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntAllumeuse i dont trust him coz he is hiddin tings from me

When he used to get no caller id phone calls n one day i asked him who they were n can i anwer them, he wouldnt let me coz he said they were telemarkeyers n his electricity company etc bullshit(n der was neva a voicemail msg)

Afta our argument bout it, those calls had dissapeared magicaly

One day he had 5 friends request on fb n i asked him to check em togetha out of curiosity. Of course he didnt want to do dat!!!

I asked him one day if he chated to texted wif his exes,would he tell me. N he said “no because its irelavent to our relationship...” blah blah blah

Dont u tink hes sass?!!!!

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (12 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntAunt honesty my boyfriend doesnt tell me bout his exes messagin him bout anytin. I usually find out myself

I asked him once if he would tell me if he interacts by phone calls,in person etc wif his exes n he said “no coz its irelavent to our relationship”

Dat shows me hes hiddin tings from me n dats y i hav trust issues

Its all bout openness n honesty

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntMy guess is this relationship wasn't for you if you broke up with him. I hope you will be much happier in the future.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (12 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntThank u all fo ur replied on my “boyfriend keepin exes on his fb”

Really apriciate da feedbak

Lets celebrate my break up wooohooo ??????

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (12 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntU r right aunt honesty

My problem isnt trust issue

It is a priority problem

Hes not prioritisin my wish or need before hos exes n he is always sticks up fo them

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI wouldn't like restriction or control either in a relationship. My husband would never dream off looking at my phone and vice versa because we trust each other. My exes have wrote to me in the past and I have always told my husband. But he couldn't care less because he trusts me. It is clear you do not trust your partner therefore I really don't see any point in being together, without trust there is nothing.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (11 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntBrown wolf im not usually a quiter.

I dont give up on smtin or smone i like dats easily

I ll try do my reseach n get to da core of things n analyse shit

At least i was tryin to save my relationship in different ways

I even went counceling fo that n da counselor said to me to keep my ears n eyes open ??

I just wana make sure dat im not overeactin ??

Thank u so much fo ur feedbak,makes total sense

And wiseowl ur answer has been amazin thank u so much

Well u guys gave me strength n confidence to confront him hard!

My final question to him was if he luvs me as much as he claims, would he give me his password fo fb n messenger since hes got notin to hide?!!!

He said, out of principal “no”

The end

Xx

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (11 October 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Let me ask you a simple question, that I am sure you did not ask yourself...

Why are dating a man that still has interest in his EXes??

You come in, and see something you do not like, and raises concerns of his commitment to you.

So what do you do? You get pissed off and complain.

What do you think you should do? Take on that stress, or find a man without the stress?

If you go to buy a car and they give you a bike...do you say thank you and take it? Leave and then complain that you did not get what you wanted? Or do you walk out and go find a place that will give you what you ask for?

So if you are will to do the right thing with any thing else...Why are you not willing to do the right thing when it comes to your heart?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

It seems your guy intends to keep his harem of exes in spite of your concerns.

People who are "just friends" aren't likely to contact you at ungodly-hours. He seems to have a pretty inflated-ego; and needs all their attention to make him feel like a stud, and a big man. They constantly stroke his ego; while keeping you feeling unsure of your place in his heart.

Advice to women who are crazy about their guy often goes in one ear, and out the other. They aren't usually asking for advice suggesting they leave him; they want to know how to "change" or "fix" him. That's not going to happen. You don't take a boyfriend "as is," with the intent to change him later. If you do, the jokes on you! Love is not a miracle-tonic that makes people change into what you want them to be.

If you've expressed to your committed-partner that keeping his exes around and maintaining constant-contact undermines your relationship; and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Yet nothing changes? That is because his ego is his first priority. He feels his self-esteem comes first. Those women are reminders of what a player he is. He manipulates them through his emotional-hold over them. He feels there's enough of him to go-around. Facebook is his little black-book!

He feels secure that even if you leave; they will all gather to comfort him. They are also his support-group and fan-base. So if you step out of line, kick him out, or don't fall in-line; he's got plenty of backup, and another place to rest his head. You will settle-down; because you have plenty of competition who will take care of him regardless.

As a rule, I don't date people who are too chummy with their exes. I evaluate their interactions, frequency of contact, and study their body-language. That's to determine if the boundaries are there which show me respect. There will be no competition between me and an ex. I'd step-off. It's a deal-breaker for me. I'm not insecure or paranoid, I'm wise.

This is done before I commit. If they don't see boundaries, and he doesn't care how I feel about it. I might date him; but I will not be a part of a triangle. I will see my way out, and leave them to each-other. That's just me.

Your boyfriend hasn't learned what true monogamy is; and doesn't understand the concept of a separate and exclusive committed-relationship. He gives you only "conditional-respect." Evidenced by the fact that he doesn't set boundaries for the other women. He doesn't choose to cut ties with his exes; because he has use for them. Either you learn to live with them; or you don't. You get no choice.

It doesn't seem he's going to set any boundaries for your benefit. Seriously address the issue, and express how uncomfortable you are one last time. Sit-back and observe.

Let him know it is difficult for you to establish trust with all his exes orbiting your relationship. He's always on call, and they're always the callers!

Alas, if he dismisses your concerns or shrugs you off?

Prepare to share! Conform, and be a part of the harem!

If I were in your shoes, I'd go find a guy ready to be exclusive and monogamous. One who does a solo-act; and doesn't need his group of backup-singers constantly riding piggyback on our relationship.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHow can he go on like that, knowing its bothering me?!!!

Because what HE wants to DO is more important to him. I think it also has to do with trust. He feels you should trust him unconditionally. Which means HE is to be the "judge" whether his behavior is appropriate or not. Not you. If you get what I mean?

And I have to say some people (not just men) doesn't like being told that they can't do "ABC" because it makes their partner feel uneasy. Then it becomes a "battlefield" and they will actually do more of "ABC" just to prove they CAN.

If he doesn't have a kid with the Ex-GF why does she need to talk to him every morning? Yes, I GET that you can be friends with an ex-partner ( I am and my husband is) but it's done with respect and openness. If my husband told me at ANY point that the contact I have with my ex from OVER 25 years ago upsets him, I would have cut it off immediately. No questions asked and no arguments from me. And I think my husband would have done something similar (since they have kids together cutting the contact 100% hasn't really be in the cards ).

Have you ASKED him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and YOU were the one being contacted by an ex-Bf on a daily basis? And would he think it is just GRAND that you are deleting messages you don't want him to see?

Maybe that argument will get him thinking. But ... I don't think he will WANT to put your feelings above his own wishes for keeping this EX-GF in his life. For me, personally, I wouldn't tell my partner that he can't talk to whomever - but if he was "sneaking around" with the contact, I'm not sure he is the kind of guy I could see a long-term relationship with.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (11 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntYea i know

It just frustrates me coz i dont feel that he is prioritising me over them

And thats what hurts the most

If someone wants to save a relationship they should do anything in their power to achieve it

How can he go on like that, knowing its bothering me?!!!

Obviously he doesnt like restriction and control...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYou know even IF he deleted them he would still be in contact, right? There is NOTHING stopping him from that. Unless you next decide that as his GF it's your "right" to go through his contact and dictate whom he can talk to and whom he can't...

My point is this, THIS is something he feels is TOTALLY OK and he WILL keep in contact even behind your back (and he is doing that already but deleting threads that might be questionable or inappropriate.)

So you have to decide if this behavior is OK or not. If it's NOT OK, maybe HE isn't the right guy for you.

Now you could try and explain how it makes you feel, but to be honest... I don't think he will prioritize your feelings over what HE wants to do.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

Why should he delete them? Has he ever done anything to suggest that he can't be trusted? These relationships made him the man you care about, and he values the friendship of these women, who in turn value his- you should be pleased that his exes don't hate him as it means he hasn't treated them badly. It doesn't really matter if one of them.wants him back if he does nothing to encourage them or hide it from you. What will it take to make you trust him? It's all out there in the open and you still don't. Are you bringing your baggage with you into this relationship? Most guys don't like it if you look through their phones because it demonstrates a lack of trust. They especially don't like it if they don't deserve your distrust. They tolerate it because it means other men have driven you to it and you can't help yourself.. but if he consistently demonstrates that he has nothing to hide you'd better grow out if it pretty quickly because he deserves your trust and if he doesn't get it, you'll drive him away. In short this sounds like a you problem not a him problem. Good luck.

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