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Why doesn't my boyfriend want to delete his exes from facebook?

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2017) 16 Answers - (Newest, 13 October 2017)
A female Australia age 41-50, *ubsy writes:

Why doesnt my boyfriend want to delete his exes from fb?

Hes sayin that they r just friends and their break up were amicable but i notice a constant interest of them on his posts and messenger and also hints and subliminal comments

One of them even inboxes him at 4am(the time he gets up for work) and by coincidence i was at his place that mornin

To me thats weird coz seems like especially this ex,is obsessed with him

Ps im allowed to check his phone but he doesnt like it and most times he ll try to have it near him (and nowdays he can delete text threads and partial replies on messenger) ??

View related questions: facebook, his ex, text

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (13 October 2017):

YouWish agony auntAre you REALLY age 41-50?? Your post grammar has deteriorated some.

You've got a real problem on your hands. It's one thing to have an ill-used Facebook account with an ex from 30+ years ago on it. It's another to STAY in contact with exes. It's still quite another thing to be in PRIVATE contact with these exes.

Nobody can have a relationship with baggage like this, where he keeps exes on reserve and constantly hedges his bets like he's doing.

As for you, nobody can have a relationship with YOUR emotional baggage either, and you DO have it. Relationships are NOT for snooping, surveilling cell phones, checking car mileage, accusations, and constant questioning and obsessive need for reassurance. If you have a boyfriend who is in contact like he is, STOP WASTING your time with all of that stupid crap and dump him!

Likewise, let's say the next time you fall in love, he's a much better and more loyal guy, yet your trust issues and insecurity destroy the relationship from the inside out?? You need to drop the baggage both in him, and in yourself.

CHOOSE better guys! A cheater will cheat no matter how obsessively you go over his entire existence like the thought police, or if you don't! A loyal guy will not put up with thought police relationship mentality and will drop you just as justifiably as you would drop an actual cheater, because BOTH the cheater AND the obsessive trust-issue controller are betraying other people's trust.

End this relationship and then go see a counselor to address your trust issue with all men so that you don't emotionally suck dry the next guy you're with, and you won't choose a cheating dog next time.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (13 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntWise owl u r rite

Da ting dat was confusin fo me is most of his free time he d luv to soend it wif me, so i know he luvs bein wif me

But we had few arguments bout his exes in his digital life(i dont know if he sees them live at da times we r not togetha) n he doesnt comprimise at all n dat shits me to bits

If he delete them tho n gave me his fb password coz he want to b honest n show me hes got notin to hide, i mite concider givin him a chance but i highly doubt it

We broke up once fo similar reason n i was shattered

Dis time i feel a big relive n i can funtion normaly in my evryday life n im not hurtin. I can finally breathe!!!

Im just stunned,angry n puzzled by stoopid egoistic behaiviour

Its k

He can hav his pebbles n lose a diamond

Xo

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 October 2017):

Okay, you've said you and your boyfriend broke-up. That's nothing really to celebrate. The anger and frustration of it all makes you feel a little numb; but in a few days you'll start feeling sentimental, and he is going to play on your feelings.

You've got to mean what you say, and back it up with your actions. This isn't going to be easy. First of all, your head is going to start messing with you about those other girls. He doesn't respect any of you. You're all there at his beck and call, and to give him a warm bed and a hot meal. He likes a lot of female-attention, and will not give them up for you.

He sounds like a player from your description; and guys like that keep girls calling, so they'll always have a backup when one falls out of line.

You're a mature lady. It's time to stop letting guys play you around; and treating you like a fool. You're not a teenager anymore. Time for something real and serious.

I know the vast majority of the females come to us telling their sad story of boyfriends with a lot of lady-friends. They announce their breakups; and not more than a few days later, they're telling us he called and said this and that. Well, players know how to get in your head, and they use women. The cell phone is their favorite tool. Everyone has an addiction to their devices, and sit by them all day long.

He'll call, because he wants you to be like all the others; calling and begging for his time and attention. He has already manipulated you enough that you're putty in his hands, and all you do is complain; but at the end of the day, you put-up with it.

You're a mature lady and you know a few things about men. If you like bad-boys, they will run you into the ground; until you're useless to yourself, and anybody else. They damage you on purpose, so you won't find anything better.

I wish you the best, and I hope you stick to your guns.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (12 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntAllumeuse i dont trust him coz he is hiddin tings from me

When he used to get no caller id phone calls n one day i asked him who they were n can i anwer them, he wouldnt let me coz he said they were telemarkeyers n his electricity company etc bullshit(n der was neva a voicemail msg)

Afta our argument bout it, those calls had dissapeared magicaly

One day he had 5 friends request on fb n i asked him to check em togetha out of curiosity. Of course he didnt want to do dat!!!

I asked him one day if he chated to texted wif his exes,would he tell me. N he said “no because its irelavent to our relationship...” blah blah blah

Dont u tink hes sass?!!!!

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (12 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntAunt honesty my boyfriend doesnt tell me bout his exes messagin him bout anytin. I usually find out myself

I asked him once if he would tell me if he interacts by phone calls,in person etc wif his exes n he said “no coz its irelavent to our relationship”

Dat shows me hes hiddin tings from me n dats y i hav trust issues

Its all bout openness n honesty

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntMy guess is this relationship wasn't for you if you broke up with him. I hope you will be much happier in the future.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (12 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntThank u all fo ur replied on my “boyfriend keepin exes on his fb”

Really apriciate da feedbak

Lets celebrate my break up wooohooo ??????

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (12 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntU r right aunt honesty

My problem isnt trust issue

It is a priority problem

Hes not prioritisin my wish or need before hos exes n he is always sticks up fo them

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI wouldn't like restriction or control either in a relationship. My husband would never dream off looking at my phone and vice versa because we trust each other. My exes have wrote to me in the past and I have always told my husband. But he couldn't care less because he trusts me. It is clear you do not trust your partner therefore I really don't see any point in being together, without trust there is nothing.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (11 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntBrown wolf im not usually a quiter.

I dont give up on smtin or smone i like dats easily

I ll try do my reseach n get to da core of things n analyse shit

At least i was tryin to save my relationship in different ways

I even went counceling fo that n da counselor said to me to keep my ears n eyes open ??

I just wana make sure dat im not overeactin ??

Thank u so much fo ur feedbak,makes total sense

And wiseowl ur answer has been amazin thank u so much

Well u guys gave me strength n confidence to confront him hard!

My final question to him was if he luvs me as much as he claims, would he give me his password fo fb n messenger since hes got notin to hide?!!!

He said, out of principal “no”

The end

Xx

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (11 October 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Let me ask you a simple question, that I am sure you did not ask yourself...

Why are dating a man that still has interest in his EXes??

You come in, and see something you do not like, and raises concerns of his commitment to you.

So what do you do? You get pissed off and complain.

What do you think you should do? Take on that stress, or find a man without the stress?

If you go to buy a car and they give you a bike...do you say thank you and take it? Leave and then complain that you did not get what you wanted? Or do you walk out and go find a place that will give you what you ask for?

So if you are will to do the right thing with any thing else...Why are you not willing to do the right thing when it comes to your heart?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

It seems your guy intends to keep his harem of exes in spite of your concerns.

People who are "just friends" aren't likely to contact you at ungodly-hours. He seems to have a pretty inflated-ego; and needs all their attention to make him feel like a stud, and a big man. They constantly stroke his ego; while keeping you feeling unsure of your place in his heart.

Advice to women who are crazy about their guy often goes in one ear, and out the other. They aren't usually asking for advice suggesting they leave him; they want to know how to "change" or "fix" him. That's not going to happen. You don't take a boyfriend "as is," with the intent to change him later. If you do, the jokes on you! Love is not a miracle-tonic that makes people change into what you want them to be.

If you've expressed to your committed-partner that keeping his exes around and maintaining constant-contact undermines your relationship; and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Yet nothing changes? That is because his ego is his first priority. He feels his self-esteem comes first. Those women are reminders of what a player he is. He manipulates them through his emotional-hold over them. He feels there's enough of him to go-around. Facebook is his little black-book!

He feels secure that even if you leave; they will all gather to comfort him. They are also his support-group and fan-base. So if you step out of line, kick him out, or don't fall in-line; he's got plenty of backup, and another place to rest his head. You will settle-down; because you have plenty of competition who will take care of him regardless.

As a rule, I don't date people who are too chummy with their exes. I evaluate their interactions, frequency of contact, and study their body-language. That's to determine if the boundaries are there which show me respect. There will be no competition between me and an ex. I'd step-off. It's a deal-breaker for me. I'm not insecure or paranoid, I'm wise.

This is done before I commit. If they don't see boundaries, and he doesn't care how I feel about it. I might date him; but I will not be a part of a triangle. I will see my way out, and leave them to each-other. That's just me.

Your boyfriend hasn't learned what true monogamy is; and doesn't understand the concept of a separate and exclusive committed-relationship. He gives you only "conditional-respect." Evidenced by the fact that he doesn't set boundaries for the other women. He doesn't choose to cut ties with his exes; because he has use for them. Either you learn to live with them; or you don't. You get no choice.

It doesn't seem he's going to set any boundaries for your benefit. Seriously address the issue, and express how uncomfortable you are one last time. Sit-back and observe.

Let him know it is difficult for you to establish trust with all his exes orbiting your relationship. He's always on call, and they're always the callers!

Alas, if he dismisses your concerns or shrugs you off?

Prepare to share! Conform, and be a part of the harem!

If I were in your shoes, I'd go find a guy ready to be exclusive and monogamous. One who does a solo-act; and doesn't need his group of backup-singers constantly riding piggyback on our relationship.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHow can he go on like that, knowing its bothering me?!!!

Because what HE wants to DO is more important to him. I think it also has to do with trust. He feels you should trust him unconditionally. Which means HE is to be the "judge" whether his behavior is appropriate or not. Not you. If you get what I mean?

And I have to say some people (not just men) doesn't like being told that they can't do "ABC" because it makes their partner feel uneasy. Then it becomes a "battlefield" and they will actually do more of "ABC" just to prove they CAN.

If he doesn't have a kid with the Ex-GF why does she need to talk to him every morning? Yes, I GET that you can be friends with an ex-partner ( I am and my husband is) but it's done with respect and openness. If my husband told me at ANY point that the contact I have with my ex from OVER 25 years ago upsets him, I would have cut it off immediately. No questions asked and no arguments from me. And I think my husband would have done something similar (since they have kids together cutting the contact 100% hasn't really be in the cards ).

Have you ASKED him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and YOU were the one being contacted by an ex-Bf on a daily basis? And would he think it is just GRAND that you are deleting messages you don't want him to see?

Maybe that argument will get him thinking. But ... I don't think he will WANT to put your feelings above his own wishes for keeping this EX-GF in his life. For me, personally, I wouldn't tell my partner that he can't talk to whomever - but if he was "sneaking around" with the contact, I'm not sure he is the kind of guy I could see a long-term relationship with.

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A female reader, Bubsy Australia +, writes (11 October 2017):

Bubsy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Bubsy agony auntYea i know

It just frustrates me coz i dont feel that he is prioritising me over them

And thats what hurts the most

If someone wants to save a relationship they should do anything in their power to achieve it

How can he go on like that, knowing its bothering me?!!!

Obviously he doesnt like restriction and control...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYou know even IF he deleted them he would still be in contact, right? There is NOTHING stopping him from that. Unless you next decide that as his GF it's your "right" to go through his contact and dictate whom he can talk to and whom he can't...

My point is this, THIS is something he feels is TOTALLY OK and he WILL keep in contact even behind your back (and he is doing that already but deleting threads that might be questionable or inappropriate.)

So you have to decide if this behavior is OK or not. If it's NOT OK, maybe HE isn't the right guy for you.

Now you could try and explain how it makes you feel, but to be honest... I don't think he will prioritize your feelings over what HE wants to do.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

Why should he delete them? Has he ever done anything to suggest that he can't be trusted? These relationships made him the man you care about, and he values the friendship of these women, who in turn value his- you should be pleased that his exes don't hate him as it means he hasn't treated them badly. It doesn't really matter if one of them.wants him back if he does nothing to encourage them or hide it from you. What will it take to make you trust him? It's all out there in the open and you still don't. Are you bringing your baggage with you into this relationship? Most guys don't like it if you look through their phones because it demonstrates a lack of trust. They especially don't like it if they don't deserve your distrust. They tolerate it because it means other men have driven you to it and you can't help yourself.. but if he consistently demonstrates that he has nothing to hide you'd better grow out if it pretty quickly because he deserves your trust and if he doesn't get it, you'll drive him away. In short this sounds like a you problem not a him problem. Good luck.

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