A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, please help!! I have been seeing this guy for a year. it has been a rather rocky relastionship, and he had seperated from his wife sometime back - around three years ago. Anyway, I had a funny hunch that things were somehow still 'cosy' for them so to speak. Then he surprised me about four weeks ago and moved round the corner from me ( he lived about an hour or more away from me before) . he claims it was pure coincidence he had moved near me, but the week before he had been asking what areas etc were near me. Anyway , to cut a long story short, once he had moved here, I decided to do a bit of detective work and a week last saturday, I went to see if his car was there very late at night. it wasn;t and it was not there all night, neither was it there last friday all night, So on the saturday during the day I asked him what time he had got in from work on both of those nights. he lied and told me around 1am. So, I stayed quiet, then he asked me to look after his sister for a while ( she has downs syndrome) so when he went I asked her how she had been etc and where she went the night before,( the friday) she told me she and him brother had styaed over at the wifes house. ( oh dear) So when he got back to collect her, I told him I knew where he went - he went nuts and told me I should not have been questioning his sister like that, and then admitted he had stayed there, but then said' yes, but just because I stayed over there, it does not mean I had sex with her!! ( they have three kids there too) then i told him he should respect me and tell me the truth , and he said nothing is going on and did not want to discuss it. I felt very sad and just hugged him, as I was so dissapointed inside, and he was angry . Then the next day I woke up in tears and asked him called him, and he seemd calm and things were kind of freindly , so I asked him to discuss this with me, and he told me he was going to work, and did not even bother to call me after that. Also he had tried to have sex with me on the saturday lunchtime (after he had seen her the night before.) So, anyway,I have some stuff at his house down the road, and saw him this morning driving right behind me. I got out of the car and waved, and he beeped and waved back ( he looked a bit sheepish to say the least) soI thought - ok, things are civilised now, i can call and arrange to collect my stuff. So when I got to work, i called him ( it;s an unknown number from work - he knows that too) and his wife answered his mobile phone. ( Thats the first time she has picked it up in a year - he picks the kids up and takes them to school everyday from there) So I asked if he was there and she said no, who is this speaking? and I told her my name and said ok, thanks goodbye, then emailed him saying, please can I have my stuff back and to let me know what eve is ok for me to pop round after work and collect it, and that there are not hard feelings, no arguments etc. he has not answered. I am a bit miffed but wil not call him or text again. i can't get why the wife picked up for the first time either, and wondered if he did not have sex with her , why he is not talking to me and explaining or anything.. It's really hurting, as we were close and intimate for a whole year and he had even moved to be near me.x Guys and girls - whats the score here?? x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 OP I am proud of you for being strong.
Continue to take care of yourself and be proud!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for taking the time to answer me. He called me last night, and brought my stuff back. He was tearful, but would not admit to having done anything, and claims he he slept in the spare bedroom, as it was easier when taking the kids to football early the next morning. When I told him his wife had answered the phone he said so? I said, you are lucky I did not say anything to her, and he siad ' Like waht? then he clammed up again, and I told him I am going to look for someone else, then he tried to have sex with me and I refused, point blank, then he tried again and again and I continued to refuse, and he refused to speak about any of it, and then started getting emotional, and trying to hold my hand and cuddle me. it was weird. i then told him I am not comfortable with any of it - and packed my stuff into a bag and he stood at the front door staring at me. Then that was that. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): I'm really sorry you're going through all of this- maybe you should just block him on your phone after you get your things back. Tell him not to be there when you pick them up. This guy is a total user, some people have no moral compass when it comes to using people. Hang in there- talk to your friends and family for support. Don't let him talk his way back into your life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Well at least you won't waste anymore time on the jerk. Chin up Sweetheart, you'll be just fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThabks to everyone that answered. I am really struggling with coming to terms with it all. he has started calling me again, and I actully said I know this has been going on for a long time, and he just siad um, um um. I am not even angry now, I just feel used, and thrown away. I am finding it hard to belive i was crossed for so long. he is now sounding sheepish when he calls. I am havng to leave my phone at home when I go out, as it is very raw
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): PS also in response to your two questions, it sounds like you are really in denial.
1) The wife picked up because obviously they have this rapport going now as all partners do. She had no clue who you were, so ofcourse he is in the best position- AND he doesn't ever want her to know about you- he probably lied to her about who you are...as he always is lying to you
2) He has slept with her and that is why he is avoiding you, he's already over you and just wants you to disappear
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (29 February 2012):
 He's lying to you. I think him and his wife have gotten closer, they may even be talking about a reconciliation. He's avoiding the subject because he doesn't want to burn any bridges with you (in case it doesn't work out with her, he'll have someone to run to) So he'd rather you not know. Maybe when his wife asked who you were, you should have said "I'm his girlfriend, who are you?" This guy is clearly living a double life. Whether he gives you your stuff back or not, you should not waste any more time with him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 February 2012):
 He's a lying, cheating DOG.... and the sooner you get away from him.... and the farther you can get.... and the sooner you can make the emotional parting from him.... THE BETTER!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): When it gets to the point where you're following someone around spying on someone that should tell you something, lol. This is not what relationships are supposed to be about.
Yes, he seems to be two timing you and his wife. The fact that he won't discuss this with you tells me he has been caught out. Just don't date anyone who is separated period.
I hope you get your things back. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This guy is clearly lying- and lying in a sense that he is incredibly immature that he can't even admit it, deliever your stuff or give you the decency to return your call.I would next time speak to the wife and explain that you would like to collect his stuff, mention that you don't know if they are back together or not, but you would be very appreciative if he could have a word with him.There is no doubt here he is lying, it's horrible for you, but I reckon its better it ends now then in 5years. If he doesn't have the ability to converse with you on something hugely suspicious then you have your indicator there.I'm sorry for you. I guess there must be some comfort and sadness in the fact that he is out of your hands now so that you cna find someone who is worth your time
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 February 2012):
Anybody who stays in a separation mode for 3 years instead divorcing is waving a red flag to any potential relationships. What was his reason for not getting a divorce when you asked him? When you started dating he was separated for 2 years, I sure as heck would have suspected he was more than a little involved with his wife. Sounds like he's got it made in the shade to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): His lies and his Explosion- this man is a Narcissist and serial cheat. RUN! RUN AWAY FAST!
Also, have the police present when you pick up your items.
Cut this unhealthy, unreliable, dishonest man from your life. You are already spying on him which means he has been lying to you and you mistrust him.
A real loving, trusting relationship doesn't kick in your detective/spy mode.
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