A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend was out of town last night. I got drunk by myself (mistake) and had a thought that I would go to his apartment and look through some photos that he seemed to be hiding from me (mistake). So after much delay and trying to talk myself out of this I went anyway. I let myself in and found out the suitcase of photos was locked. I looked around briefly for the key but couldn't find one so I moved on. I then looked at some journals of his from 2 years ago. He mentioned some ex-girlfriends and harmless things, but then, I noticed something very disturbing. He mentioned that he was "intensely excited" by child pornography. He also mentioned that he wanted to seek help with this (and he is seeing an analyst). He is still out of town and I can't talk to him about it, nor do I want to. I wasn't supposed to see these personal writings so how can I bring this issue up with him? I feel extremely ashamed of myself, but what am I supposed to do with what I know? My boyfriend of 1 year is potentially a child porn addict. We were talking about moving in together and marriage. I don't want to have children with a child porn addict. Is there any good way to look at this?
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (8 September 2007):
Well, it sounds like he's willing to work this out later after some thought, but are you still willing to? If so, wait until you both can go into this calmly, when he can no longer call you names and when you figure out what you want.
Yeah, you f'd up royally in a public way, but he did in a private way. And now you know that you have a boyfriend that gets drunk and wrote about how hot child porn is to him. You only saw this one writing, but the part you're not telling us, and maybe you don't know the answer yourself, is why his ex thought his journal was so sick and disgusting. Was it for saying more things of child porn or was it something else in there? You both seem suspect to drunken mistakes, and even if you get back together, it may take a while to get things back to where they were.
On top of that, is he really mad because you went through his stuff, or is it cover because he's mad and embarrassed you found the truth? We all do things we say we don't mean to do when we drink too much. But more often than not, we know the thought has always been there, just inhibited and filtered.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast week I told my boyfriend that I went into his apartment and looked at his journal that mentioned child porn (2 weeks later). At first he seemed very upset and wouldn't talk to me, but then he proceeded to tell me about how an old girlfriend used to look at his personal writings, stories and poems and crititized him for being sick. He said that it was all about trust, and he was trying to trust someone again (me). We had plans to go to his parents' cottage so we went there and everything seemed to be oddly ok. He didn't seem to want to talk about what I told him. But, when we got back I didn't hear from him for 3 days. Finally, I got hold of him and he told me about how angry he was with me and that I "fucked-up royally". When I got hold of him he admitted to having drunk a mickey of whiskey so he was pretty beligerant. He called me fucked-up, retard, shit, etc. He told me to call him when I was ready to to talk about what I was really looking for. I told him I would talk to him later. I fucked-up with him in the trust department and now I don't know what to do.
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A
female
reader, hugs4u002 +, writes (26 August 2007):
I think if you ask him about it he will lie to you, if you tell him you know because of his journal, he will make up a story about how he doesn't do this anymore. Be patient and a little more observant, and gather a little more evidence to support your claim and when the time is right, take it to the police...also, bring up something you saw recently in the news about a pedophile, recent arrest or conviction and see how he reacts, without telling him what you think about it just ask him what he thinks about these pedophiles...does he think they should go to prison, does he think they can be helped, what is wrong with pedophiles...along those lines.
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A
male
reader, daglish  +, writes (26 August 2007):
 I thing the guy was seeking help out of his addiction and this should be good enough to call for ur patience. If you act in a rush you could miss out on the man of your life. Remember that even you have weaknesses.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): I completely agree with DrPsych. It is your responsiblity and duty to stop this man before anybody gets hurt, potentially a child. This man is a pedophile. But you have made a good choice to talk with a councelor. And hopefully he or she will guide you through your emotions, and help you to take actions to protect children from the harms of this man. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (19 August 2007):
Dr. Psych makes sense and earlier I thought of some of what she said too, but wasn't sure what measures to take. You could have the cops check out the computer and end the relationship, but also, I am not sure on this, it might incriminate you legally. Especially since everyone that answered this question so far lives outside of your country. I am not sure if what you did could be considered breaking and entering. You could try to snoop around some more and look at the computer, but that isn't wise either. Your plan to try to make him talk about is about the safest, but sometimes safe gets us close to nowhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the advice. I am very distressed right now but I do have a therapist that I will talk to about this. I probably wouldn't be able to check his computer for files because he is always around when I'm at his place, plus he logs or shuts it off whenever he's done. Makes me wonder what he's hiding. All I can do is try to get him to talk about it with me. If I immediately tell him that I read is journal then he will automatically not trust me and likely not divulge anything to me. He can be quite forthcoming and revealing so I think it is possible that I can get him to talk about this with me. If not, I will go to plan b and tell him what I read and hopefully get some answers.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (19 August 2007):
 I work in child protection and I think you have two responsibilities. Firstly, as a partner to a potential abuser then you should take some time to think about your own emotions in what must be a very distressing situation. This may involve speaking to a counsellor about how you feel or a trusted friend. Secondly, as an adult who has discovered a potential paedophile I feel you have a duty to find out more if at all possible. If he writes about his preferences, then his computer maybe littered with files and internet evidence documenting his activity. As horrifying as it sounds right now, he maybe involved in grooming children or viewing images on the computer. If you have evidence then you should take it to the police or child protection services as they need to investigate this man. This shouldn't be in a revenge context but if this man has sexual preferences for children he is in urgent need of professional intervention and supervision. You would actually be doing him a favour by reporting him to the authorities based on what you know.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (19 August 2007):
I am tempted to agree with most of what is said, but I am also worried this is a knee-jerk reaction. Yes, it is potentially a HUGE problem, but I think we need more information here. Is there any more occurance of this in his journals? How does he react if little kids are present? Have you ever been to a park or restaurant with him and kids are around?
He knows he has a problem. He wrote this down once so far, but we don't know that it is a continual practice. That is both a reason to not judge him yet, but also part of the problem...we don't know! It does need to be addressed and I don't know if there is a way to not incriminate yourself doing it. You now realize that maybe you can't trust him, but if you told him what happened, he might feel that he cannot trust you.
I think that we need to find some more facts here before a real decision and action plan can be made. The problem is how does one go about finding the facts? And if it seems there are no more facts to find, how do you really know that they aren't just well hidden?
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (19 August 2007):
 hiya sorry but ur bf isnt a nice person, he is sick, and u no he is and it looks like he knows it 2.. the right thing to do is report him, and get in2 that suitcase, stay awy from him.. mail me if u want to talk, take care of urself! x x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): men who like child porn rarely if ever get over it, and that's with counseling, which it doesn't sound like he is in..... I think you should take care of yourself and run like hell and don't look back, this is a BIG problem..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 August 2007):
 I'm afraid there isn't a good way to look at it.
Let's say the good part first: he is aware of his problem and sought help. This is commendable. Maybe he was abused as a child, and his interest in the pictures comes from this.
Now for the bad part: this isn't exactly a good personality trait. You said it very clearly: you don't want children with a child porn addict. I feel that your underlying fear would be that he would molest his own children.
Maybe you can't regain your trust of him, and so you can't continue to see him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): Ok, you really need to talk to him about this. Chances are that he will get angry at you for snooping but its too late for that, you cant pretend that you don't know! You say he is getting help for this so at least he is aware that it is a serious problem and he wants to deal with it.
However, you need to be very wary and consider cooling off the relationship for a while until you are certain that he is dealing with this problem correctly.
Maybe you should contact a helpline about this situation and find out some more information about how he can deal with this.
Whatever happens, be careful about getting pregnant and/or moving in with him. A problem like this wont just disappear without years of therapy on his part.
Be careful and dont be dragged into his sympathy. If he is going to get help with this he needs to do it alone.
Good luck xx
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