| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi, feeling a bit down and confused at the mo. I've been seeing my boyfriend now for 6 months and i guess we've actually formally been together for about 3, we were sort of just seeing eachother before then.around christmas time i found out, from him, that he was still with his ex when we started sleeping together. we spoke about it and he told me it was only for a few weeks then he finished with her. (which i've since found out is a lie)i was worried that he wasn't being truthful and they were still together until christmas so i confronted him. it turns out he lied originally and he said could not tell her until he saw her that it was over, but says he can't remember when this was. (should i believe this!?) he promises he wasn't sleeping with us at the same time, but his previous lies are making me doubt if this is truthful?i can remember occasions when he went home ( a couple hundred miles away) for say a wedding or appointment at home, what's on my mind is whether he was seeing her on these occasions?i also think he bought her a christmas present so surely they were together until at least mid december? why would he buy her a present if it was his intention to finish with her? and this makes me question whether they were together on christmas day, because on that day i texted him in the evening and he didn't reply until the next day saying he'd fallen asleep watching a dvd?!?i'm now worried when he actually told her it was over, or even if she just found out by reading texts to me or something... if that's the case when would he have told her?until this we've been really happy and he's said he's happier with me and has never had a connection with anyone like he has with me, also said he can be himself with me and he wants to be with me more than anything. i don't know whether to forget about the fact he cheated on her with me and move on/put it in the past and accept we're onto something better? my trust in him is just a little knocked at the mo...please help
View related questions:
christmas, his ex, move on, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pam38 +, writes (23 May 2006):
Dear Anonymous,
Been there, done that. My man lied about a live-in gf and when he gave me his version, I bought it hook, line and sinker. I always had the sense with him that something was not quite right, but didn't listen to my instinct. Fast forward a few months and I wound up with a very disturbed bf; he became possessive and abusive. I won't get into the details, and it doesn't mean your man will be like this...however, people who deliberately choose to "omit" something as major as another relationship, probably, no strike that, always, will lie again. They justify to themselves, so to them, it's not really "wrong".
I'm sorry if you have feelings for him, but tell him to get lost NOW, and you can find a man who respects you. Avoid Losers altogether. A great web page - www.drjoecarver.com - lists all the traits of men to steer clear from. At the very least, take a break, see how he reacts. He should respect your boundaries; if he doesn't, drop him and move on.
When I tried to buy time w/my lying, crazy bf before making the major mistake of moving in together, he actually said, "Well, if you aren't looking for a serious relationship, then I can't wait forever. I'm not getting any younger. And I really want to be with you, all the time." For some idiotic reason, I answered, "OK". Disaster!
I hope some of this helps. You deserve better. Really. Not this b.s.
Best of luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your advice, it was very helpful but it's just really hard to just finish with like that. i know i'm probably wrong and somewhere down the line i'll get hurt again, just don't know what to do at the moment.
he got home last night and we had a long chat, so i thought i'd give u an update to see what u think...
i told him all of my fears and what i believed he'd lied to me about and finally he was truthful with me.. he told me he decided two weeks after meeting me that it was really over with her and was going to finish it with her, but he wasn't the type of guy to dump her over txt/phone and wanted to do it in person. so he saw her in mid november and told her it was over. this does correspond with what i knew already.
he said they didn't really have a massive fall out and split up they grew apart and he didn't love her anymore and meeting me made him realise what he was missing out with with her.
he also said he'd already bought her a christmas present and she'd bought him one so they met over christmas to sort things out they hadn't already and give eachother their presents; but even then they fell out and brought up the time he finished with her again. so then it was definately final and they've not really spoken since
I've told him to be honest with me from now on or that's it. So what do you think? i'm still a bit confused?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2006): I am writing because I recently finished one relationship for another and it took me some time to do my "housework" as well. The reason was that I was genuinely fond of the first boyfriend and found facing hurting him very difficult. I knew that he was not right for me though. The delay in telling him I felt was a reflection of my own weaknesses, I hate confronting difficult emotional issues. I made myself a bit ill still seeing him, which was stupid. The person that I am with now was abroad at the time and making plans to leave and come back. I was in a state of shock at having met him again and evaluating things. I did not sleep with them both at the same time though! Now that I am with my dear man I will always be faithful. By nature I am a faithful person, despite hanging in the balance there for a while. I can not say whether your man will be faithful to you or how your relationship will go. I do know that it is not always easy to be perfect and maybe it will be worth seeing how it goes for a while and whether he is worthy. He has battered your confidence a little early in the relationship, which is very unfortunate. Imagine how many relationships must have started this way and become good ones. There must be millions of them. People meeting other people while unhappily married, separation and divorce followed by the new relationship. Sounds awful but it is life. New partners living with each other's baggage, knowing their partner can be unfaithful because after all he or she was, with them! I think he needs to put in some extra effort and build up your trust. Talk to him and don't rush this. Loving is always a risky business and I am sure that you will evaluate everything in the end and do the best thing for yourself. I certainly know that my partner will benefit from all my love for all of his life, exclusively, despite my having behaved like a rabbit in the headlights at first! Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, StarNews +, writes (29 March 2006):
 If you are in a good, trusting relationship, you will have no doubts or fears about his love for you. You will not get that "weird" feeling, or feel paranoid or insecure.
Your letter describes a man who is insecure, and full of lies and deceit. Im sure he knew it was over with the ex, but he went back a few times purely for his own sexual gratification, and then dumped her. These type of men never see anything wrong with what they have done, and somehow seem to justify it in their own mind.
You can keep forgiving him, but believe me one day you will get tired of his lies.
When you are in love, you sometimes choose to ignore your gut instinct and intuition, and go with your heart. But trust me, one day you will be thankful that you saw him for what he is, and that you went on with your life without him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sexybum  +, writes (29 March 2006):
 To tell you the truth honey I don't think you should trust him at all, It is only 6 or as you say 3 months into your relationship and you already have problems this big!! Not a good sign, get out now! I know that is not what you want to hear, but really really please take it from me, once a liar always a liar. YOU don't trust him and YOU won't ever trust him. If you stay with him your anxieties will grow, this will make you ill, you will loose your confidence, then hey presto before you can IT, you will be dependant on him for security which he won't give you.
When he goes out you will be biting your nails wonderring where he is and who he is with. Is he with girls??? Is he cheating? And the truth is he probably will be... You will want to check his phone and emails etc. If this is what you want out of a relationship then give him the benefit of doubt (each and every time you do you just let your respect for yourself drop a little more).
This advice sounds horrible and you will probably give me a poor ranking, but do you know how I know its the right advice... Because I have just been in a long relationship with Prince Charming, the Love of my Life. It has ended sourly, because you know what he wasn't just my Prince Charming, he was many other girls as well. When I read your letter it dug up memories that I'd forgotton and I look back now and see the give away signs that you are seeing now and I even had them at 3 months into my relationship just like you. NOW its all so clear to me cause I've been there done it got the heartache got the shirt! When I was in the situation I couldn't see it and I refused to see it, beleived I was paranoid and everyone was ganging up on us, and I'm telling you that is what you are doing now. It doesn't matter what advice we give you you will probably take him back and let him keep hurting you, I did and I've lived to regret it.
My advice- Leave now with your head held high. Deal with the pain of leaving him it will only last a little while. Whereas if you stay the pain will last longer and cut a lot deeper.
...............................
|
