A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 23 year old virgin and I'm dating a 24 year old guy,the reason I stressed on being a virgin is that I've waited for the right man to come along and I think he has, and I know it will happen soon.. but now I think he's not the one, cuz he took offence to something I said.. now here's the problem please do tell me if I am right or wrong!I asked my boyfriend to get himself tested for std's before we do it, just cuz I know he has had partners before me, and now I'm ready, I just want to stay safe.. he took offence to this and said 'what do you think I am a man whore'? yess I did have partners but I'm not going to give you an STD!! I will get my self tested.. he agreed but he really took offence..Was I wrong to ask? I don't know I kinda feel guilty at times? I asked him in the most polite way possible, I never ordered him to go get tested.. do let me know? when you guys have sex for the first time weren't you scared you could contact something? if so how did you ask the person to get tested?
View related questions:
std Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): Yeah- no sure if he's the one for you. Your request wad vet polite and reasonable, actually very very smart! Yet he reacted in a very defensive and rude way. What does this say about his personality? He obviously has not been asked before & has not played it safe in the past, he doesn't care about your health enough to agree right away and he reacted in a very defensive manner. There is something off with his reaction, your gut tells you so doesn't it? He's using swears, he got upset over Something so important, his reaction was not warranted. I think this is a red flag.
I was in your position only 4 years ago. My now husband right away agreed and had himself checked. No fuss, no weird defensi
ve reaction, no calling himself a man whore, no taking offense. He lived
me and wanted to be with me forever- this was a small step towards forever.
I Think honestly this guy just doesn't care enough. Red flag. Tread with caution. He might not end up being the guy you marry.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): When I lost my virginity, to my bf, I got tested after and he had given me an std. I was shocked, livid, even depressed. It was treatable but gave me a secondary infection that I ended up being hospitalized for. So my advice, you did the right thing. So he got offended, he needs to understand you are being safe and you would do the same for him. When we were dating my now husband did the same for me and so did I. We did it together. Just give him a little time, maybe hell realize you didnt mean anything by it.
...............................
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Luckily when i first had sex we were both virgins, so a test wasn't needed.
However i have always prided myself on trying my best to stay safe, and i had already decided that before i lost my virginity if a man came along who wasn't a virgin, i would want him to get tested straight away, or we would use a condom and only take it off once i was 100% he was safe.
Your not wrong for asking him, infact its the sensible and safe thing to do! Your not just keeping yourself safe but your keeping him safe aswell!
If you have a couple of sexual partners, alot of people like to keep themselfs safe anyway and check every now and then to make sure they are in the clear, he should be the same.
If he took offence to it, then maybe he just took the wrong way, if its early in your relationship, he could of thought you were saying that he was "dirty", as alot of people who have STD's are steroytyped as dirty or players tbh.
So maybe try and gently explain that its just because your worried and you want to be safe.
But on the bright side, atleast hes agreed to have one, alot of men and women can sometimes straight up refuse when they are asked to have a test, so it does show he has nothing to hide which is a good start.
Just try telling him you want to be 100% safe before you move any further.
Good Luck
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 November 2012):
My girlfriend and I both got tested when we got serious too. In this world, it's just common sense to be honest. As the others have said - don't ask - TELL.
You did the right thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Oh yeah, even my (then) virgin boyfriend offered to get tested when we first started dating! So this has NOTHING to do with how many previous partners you've had.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Yeah- no sure if he's the one for you. Your request wad vet polite and reasonable, actually very very smart! Yet he reacted in a very defensive and rude way. What does this say about his personality? He obviously has not been asked before & has not played it safe in the past, he doesn't care about your health enough to agree right away and he reacted in a very defensive manner. There is something off with his reaction, your gut tells you so doesn't it? He's using swears, he got upset over Something so important, his reaction was not warranted. I think this is a red flag.
I was in your position only 4 years ago. My now husband right away agreed and had himself checked. No fuss, no weird defensive reaction, no calling himself a man whore, no taking offense. He lived me and wanted to be with me forever- this was a small step towards forever.
I Think honestly this guy just doesn't care enough. Red flag. Tread with caution. He might not end up being the guy you marry.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 November 2012):
If he took offence then he's really immature. When a man loves you he will want you to feel safe and secure, and if an STD test is what will make you feel safe then he will happily take one (or actually, take several, as each STD needs to be tested separately).
Just because he doesn't think he has any doesn't mean he doesn't have any. For men, many of the STD's are without symptoms, and often, without consequence. But for women, these STD's can cause infertility, and in some cases cancer (HPV virus, which he most definitely has a strand of, as every sexually active human being has it. But, not to scare you, HPV lives in symbiosis with your body, and there is only one strand of the millions of strands that can cause cancer).
You were not wrong to ask. In fact, it shows that you love him and care for him as well, because you want him to be safe. It is a smart thing to get tested, and common curtesy to get tested before each new partner.
Do not feel guilty. But before you move things along with this man, I think you should have a real talk about this and hear his thoughts about the test, and why he took offence. If he truly is offended, and resents you for this, then I wouldn't advice you to continue seeing him, as it is a lack of respect to you to not get tested (or protest against it). Him not wanting to get tested shows he does not care for your health or safety, and is ignorant about his own health. Having had several sexual partners he should have already tested himself several times before he even met you! If he hasn't, then that is a red flag as it says something about his attitude towards sex and health.
...............................
A
male
reader, Htsn47  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 You weren't wrong, he was wrong to react that way. Sadly, it's not that uncommon, however - we need to do a lot more education. I asked my GF if she had been tested before we had sex, and I went to get tested myself, even though I was a virgin, because I thought it was the right thing to do.
So bottom line... you should not feel bad or worry that you asked him to do something you shouldn't have. On the other hand, I will say that his reaction is not that uncommon so I wouldn't necessarily dump him over it either! It's just disappointing that more men can't act like adults and show how much they care by getting tested without having to be asked.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): No you were 100% right to ask, and he should be happy to get tested to make sure he's not putting you or himself at risk. You could maybe point out to him that you don't have to be a 'man whore' to catch something either. It only takes once and since so many STIs don't have symptoms anyone can pass them on/catch them these days. Good for you for putting your sexual health first :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): I've made it a habit of having virgins and I got lucky the other times. I don't think it was wrong to ask but it's not like he would be happy or excited about the idea of having a long q-tip inserted into his penis. I'm sure he feels fine so he is just doing it to appease you. Be glad he's doing it for you and tell him that your planning to make it worth his while. You should get tested too because you can get them even if your a virgin.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2012):
 you were not wrong at all.
My husband and I when we STARTED dating... both had blood work and STD testing... we did it again after 6 months when we got serious...because things can take a while to show up.
I think it's very prudent for folks who have had ANY sexual relations have STD work ups on a regular basis... my doctor supports this belief and gladly orders them.
BTW I didn't ASK... I mandated... I TOLD HIM... "I"m getting tested for STDs you need to as well" since we both had many previous partners it was a no brainer for us.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2012):
 Nope, you weren't' wrong to ask. He can still b a carrier for STD's that won't show up in testing HPV for one, but generally I think it is the SMART move to ask & get tested.
My husband and I BOTH did the whole STD/HIV/AIDS test before having sex. It made sense to both of us, but then again my husband was a bit of a man-whore before me. lol
Better safe then sorry.
...............................
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (7 November 2012):
You didn't do anything wrong, that was an awful reaction from your boyfriend. He had no right to be that offended. He knows you are a virgin, and are STD free. Even if he has been careful, there is a risk that he could be harboring something with no visible signs - such as HPV. The responsible thing to do, especially if you are considering sex without a condom at some point, is to have him go for a test. If he has been careful and doesn't have any STD's, he has nothing to worry about.Best of luck!
...............................
|
