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male
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*nglish Prince
writes: I am writing with reference something that has been playing on my mind day and night for a few weeks.Before Christmas I was in a pub with a friend and did something I never have the courage to do.......I chatted to a really pretty blonde haired, blue eyed young lady (aged 26). (I am 29).She was with her friends and texting someone really fast, so I commented on her texting skills and thus struck up a conversation.One thing led to another and I ended up with her work email address. I started sending her daily funny emails that I get forwarded and also included little quizzes/questionnaires that I had answered about my likes and dislikes etc..Turns out that we have allot in common and come from similar backgrounds although I went to University and she didn't. (Not that this matters, but thought it worth mentioning because sometimes these things matter when it comes to having things in common?).After a few months of chatting she gave me her mobile number and told me that it would be okay if I text her.We then texted each other up to 35 times in an evening......Nothing dirty, just friendly chat and stuff.....and continue to do so.We are both very shy people with low self esteem or a lack of confidence. She was in a relationship for many years with a bloke who eventually owned up to cheating on her whilst they were engaged and about to be married. She forgave him once but he did it again. This really hurt her and damaged her trust in men, so she says.I lived with a girl I didnt really love for about 6 years (from 21 years old) and eventually managed to pluck up the courage to tell her that I wanted to leave. I cared too much for her feelings and didnt want her to be upset. Since then I have been single and to be honest....since 17 years old I have NEVER been on a proper date!!!! (Although I have had 2 no-strings attached girlfriends that I slept with..)My sisters ( I have 2 sisters, no brothers) say that I am a very nice guy......my friends also say that I am very rare and a really good catch.........I am highly sensitive and always putting others before me. I am confident AFTER I get to know someone but that takes a little time.I am successful (an international Headhunter in the I.T. industry) polite with a desire for romance...etc...She is a P.A. to a lawyer in London.So far "K" and I have been on 4 dates.........I took her to the Sanderson Hotel's Purple bar (where she met Pink - the singer), Bar Red (Soho), to dinner in my home town, and to the cinema to see a film.She said that she has really enjoyed these dates...(and so have I).....We kissed 'properly' after the second date.I paid for them all......about £500 in total..........although she did offer to pay some of the bills but I said I had it covered. The money does not bother me..... But maybe she is using me?!?Oh yeah.....and she mentioned that she really dislikes PDA (public displays of affection).....Just generally she mentioned she hates seeing people making out when they should, in fact, get a room!! She is reluctant to give compliments AND whenever I have said something really nice about her appearance, or my feelings to her, she calls for a "bucket".....in a comedy manner.....Which I find annoying!!.A female friend (aged 27) said...."Perhaps she lacks confidence and is not forthcoming in expressing her feelings. She is desperately waiting for you to make a move because she is frightened. She seems like she doesn’t want to commit to anything. If you are up for a bit of fun then I guess that’s fine.. what I’m worried about is that she might be using you to get over her old relationship.. you take her out, make her feel good, spend money on her etc etc. You are literally her Knight in shining armour. What she is doing seems selfish to me, I don’t want you to get hurt."............"K" has not asked me out or suggested a date.........It's always me who has to ask her out.....and she always says yes......She even cancelled dinner 2 weeks ago because she didn't have enough money.......and we went to the cinema instead. (Thus proving that she is not a "gold digger"???) I got back from an 8 day holiday in New York last Monday and have been home for 7 days....She has not asked to meet up with me! But we still text and email daily.Is she waiting for me to ask again???...Is she that shy? I think maybe she wants me to ask her again....but maybe I should wait???...Play a game or something??...Like my younger sister said I should do......Maybe she wants to take this relationship really slowly?????? My younger sister (aged 26, married at 19) and her friend said that Kelly is not good enough for me and playing games........They said I should end it with her now before I get hurt. But they do not know her like I do.I am sooo ready to give my heart and soul to this girl........BUT, is she leading me up the path?.....Is she just doing as my mum says and........playing me along to see if anyone else comes along she prefers.....and if not then she will take me!??Maybe she is unsure of what she wants???...Maybe she wants me to take control???When I am out with her...I feel good........and all negative thoughts kind of disappear.......although I would like to have more "lovey-dovey" stuff.What can I do to find out where I am with her??..I have thought about what to ask her.....But I really do not know where to start.....or how to say that I really like her but do not know where I stand.Should I send her flowers??......I was told not to take her to a musical........(I really wanted to treat her to Phantom of the Opera but was told by friends it is only our 4th date and I should not try so hard).Please help me!!!....I just wanna know whether I should be doing the game playing or just remain honest and carry on chasing her!??From you experience is she just shy....or manipulative......???? (She is a Scorpio, I am cancerian - If you think that's worth saying.)Thank you and kindest regardsG
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2006): Hi G,
Well as brutal as that seems, she was honest and she told you she was not ready. Perhaps she is carrying too much baggage from a prior relationship. I am sorry...I know my words may not be of comfort to you but we need to put this in perspective. This young woman was not your exclusive, committed love, she was a woman you dated 4 times. As far as I am concerned, dating is a way of shopping around for a potential partner. And, sadly sometimes people get hurt. One has to always use their head and protect themselves, especially in the beginning phases. Learn from this experience and take comfort in knowing, we have all been there and it does hurt like hell. What will make you stand out, is how you internalize this rejection. Rejection is definitely not fun, but this rejection was 'only' her action. (and she misses out on getting to know how truly terrific you are) Rejection means that when one person says no, not everyone will. Rejection can be the beginning of opportunity. I do believe that a true mark of maturity is the ability to accept rejection graciously, as well as honestly. She did nothing wrong and neither did you. It just didn't work. If you're afraid of rejection, you may miss out on a lot in this life, which is pretty darned short as it is. The other thing you need to realize is that is nothing in dating rejection that can really hurt you. You may be disappointed, but when one path closes other paths open up. This is over...you have nothing to fear anymore. See if you can put that angst away, get over this, get out there and go for it! I wish you the best G..and don't give up. Dating and love are huge risks..but well worth it when the right girl comes along. Remember, life's trials keep us strong,
sorrow keep us human, failures keep us humble....and we grow from that. Hang in there and good luck, dear.
A
male
reader, English Prince +, writes (4 April 2006):
English Prince is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should have talked to her more on the phone....We texted far too much. It hurts ALOT, but I have to move on....Mr Sensitive loses again!........ :-(
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A
male
reader, English Prince +, writes (4 April 2006):
English Prince is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe dumped me by text last night. OUCH!!!K said::::I need to tell you something, I have been thinking while you have been away and decided that for now I am just not ready and dont want to mess you around or lead you into thinking there could be more. U are a great guy and good fun and company, I am just not ready.I replied:::::Ouch. Well thanks for being honest. I wont lie and say it doesnt hurt. So, we are done? Or when you say you are not ready do you mean that you just need time? Sorry to question this but I just wanna know. Wow, this is kinda unexpected.K said:::::Sorry it was done over the phone. I will say that I feel really horrible, I would say we are done, thats a horrible way to put it! I cant say I need time, I am just not ready.I replied::::I wish I could understand what you mean by not being ready, I think you mean you are not over your EX? But if its I am not your type then I would prefer the truth. Yeah, texting this is not thenicest thing I have experienced!She said::::Its neither of those, my heart is not in it, I thought I was ready to get involved but I am not and its not fair on you. I am sorry.I replied::::You are a lovely girl and I enjoyed our time together. Its a shame you are still not ready. I guess its just not meant to be. Good Luck with your heart issue, you almost captured mine and it hurts to say it, but I am glad you gave it back before it was crushed. Goodnight and I guess, Good bye.I feel so lousy!!!.......She didnt even have the decency to do it on the phone or in person!!!......OUCH!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2006): She was very vulnerable in her last relationship, so I think she's letting you chase her, to ensure that you really like her. I think you, being the man, should go ahead and take the initiative in asking her out. Also, it may ease the tension/shyness a bit if you actually talked on the phone instead of texting so much...just a suggestion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2006): Firstly, if you think she is only being a gold digger then do some really low budget activities - suggest going for a walk, for a picnic, that sort of thing. If she cares for you that much, she won't mind what you do. If she's a gold digger, then she'll probably run. Also, with regards to her not suggesting places to go, I am quite shy and the only time I suggested going somewhere with this male friend of mine, he wouldn't go! As a result I felt rejected (and that he is trying to control the relationship), so it could be that she has encountered this feeling of rejection before and if she is shy anyway it maybe making it doubly difficult for her to suggest something for fear of it happening again. I now find that I don't suggest places to go with my male friend but wait for him to make a move (to which I always say yes because otherwise I'd never see him!) which I realise is not ideal or a balanced relationship. The inability to take compliments is a sure sign that she has low self esteem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2006): First of all G, you've only dated this woman 4 times and there is NO exclusive committment...yet. Don't jump the gun. You're in an information-gathering time and so is she. This is the time to for both of you to ask questions about family, childhoods, past relationships, goals, aspirations, interests and values. Then you both base whether or not you could be a good couple based on this information. One never commits their heart and emotions until you have a deep, working knowledge of the person at hand. It sounds like you both are keeping your emotions and wits about you. This is a good thing. No she's not playing you. No she is not manipulative. No she's not a gold digger. And YES, she's going slow. She's protecting herself and her emotions until she's certain you are a good potential...she's being smart and more women should do this instead of allowing their heart get the better of them after the first date. Stop listening to what others are telling you about what you should do and should not do. Think for yourself. Just relax and go with the flow. An enormous amount of time and energy goes into new relationships. Make sure it counts. And make darn sure you have the strength, the common sense, the maturity and perseverence to handle this. Good luck, G and I wish you both the best.
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