A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a married man with 2 kids and a good person. I have been married for 9 years and love my family. I also have a great job and CANNOT lose it. I am having a real problem at work...I have a married co worker with whom I have harmlessy flirted with for about 5 years. I admit that since the first time I saw her, I found her extremely attractive, but again we don't work in the same department, and if I talked to her it was only a few times per week and they were short conversations. In the past month, the flirting got really intense and to the point where we both admitted that we were very attracted to each other and even talked about having sex. I honestly didn't mean for it to escalate to that point, it just did. Fortunately, even though it was really hard, we decided we could not take a chance and have since gone back to our "old" relationship. I know this sounds awful and selfish but I am having a hard time letting go of the intense feelings I had for her. I almost feel like we broke up and am a little bit depressed, as silly as that sounds. I want to talk to her and email her but now that is not a good idea. I think she is having the same problem too but does a good job of staying strong and does not talk about it. I guess I just needed to tell this to someone and want to know if othres go through the same thing. How do I deal with this? Thanks.
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at work, broke up, co-worker, depressed, flirt, her ex, married man Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): Not easy. The key word in your post is 'fortunately'., i.e. you're glad that you didn't act on your feelings, and you know at some level that however wistful or sad you feel now about what didn't happen, you would feel much worse if you'd acted on your desires.
You don't mention anything about your wife, or what state youre relationship is in. If it's perfectly fine and healthy, then you're blessed and you should thank your lucky stars. The fact that you felt attracted to someone else doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong. The fact that you resisted the urge is testament to your love for your wife and family.
We all get tempted. I was in a 5-yr relationship with my ex-wife, and walked away from two pretty sure-fire, ultra-tempting romantic/sexual opportunities out of loyalty. Ironically, she ended up cheating on me, and I suppose I could beat myself up for not having 'gone for it'. If I'd known then what was going to happen, I'd totally have gone for it. But, in the immortal words of Crime & the City Solution:
'But just knowing that I was right
Has helped me through night after night'.
I hope your marriage works forever. And, if it doesn't, I hope you find love elsewhere.
Best of luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): I'm going through the same experience. even worse. I couldn't resist the temptation and I had sex with the guy (we are also both married)....3 times... eventhough after the first time all I could feel was regret... I was only able to break up with him after the third time....
and now I am dealing with all kinds of feelings: regret, self hatred, loosing self respect, guilt, and trying to get over him (especially that we work together and I see him 8 hours every day , 5 days a week).... today i couldnt handle work. i left home... i am seriously contemplating quitting... so my advise to you: keep resisting the temptation.... dont fall into the trap.. it's a killer.. and what you are feeling now is way easier than what you will feel after you sleep with her... beleive me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Hi I am the person that posed the question.I would like to thank everyone for the input...it helps me understand that this happens and is not the end of the world. I am not going to beat myself up over simply having the feelings, although I do wish this never would have escalated to this point. It is really hard becasue we still both see each other at work, but I will not complain too much because I understand this problem is miniscule compared to what some people face (sick kids, death in the family, job loss, etc.)Thank you again - I hope to stay strong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Hey, i am glad you resisted temptation. Kindly allow me to share an incident that occurred today while I conducted an audit :I spoke to one of my new legal clients today and we just got chatting about him and family. He told me that he was newly divorced with kids. Me , being the intrepid investigator that i am, probed more details. Turns out, he had an affair. For 3 years his wife and him tried to work it out, they couldn't. He had left his mistress shortly after being discovered but the trust was gone. the hurt , betrayal, pain, humiliation, and the constant reminder that her hubby had an intimate relationship with the OW (I am guessing) was just too much for the wife. The result of this man's affair - divorce, an ugly, messy financial divorce settlement, being a part time dad. HE SO REGRETS IT, SAID IT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE, THE AFFAIR WAS NOT WORTH THE SHIT HE HAS TO FACE. His life is in shambles, he still loves his wife......i saw photo's of his beautiful, innocent kids. It was so sad. Believe me, I don't know who was more uncomfortable, me hearing the agony of the results of the affair or him, who had to live through it. He too is a good man, but sadly he did not resist temptation. Try going home today and give your kids a big hug. At least you get to see them daily.As for your wife, give her a bigger hug, love her and just Thank God that you have not messed up........(I don't want to say this but) YET. I have been married for 18 years and yes, the passion, that burning flame tends to fade with time. But it is up to me to remind myself why I am married to by wonderful, hard working, honest, sometimes pig headed, somewhat imperfect man. But I love him with both the ups and downs. And I wouldn’t trade him in for anything (just don’t question me the day I have a fight with him though, then with all my emotions taking hold of him I want to ship him out. No return!). Those are all of his qualities, imagine my imperfections he also has to live with. I learnt such a valuable humbling lesson today. Its not often you find a grown man cry, this client almost did. And guess what I would have cried with him.Thank you for allowing me to share this story with you. I hope it adds some sort of insight into what can happen.
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A
female
reader, cutiepye +, writes (16 April 2009):
 Hi im kind of in the same situation but mine is in the beginning stages of the crush and im the female both married with children we have worked together one year and have flirted off and on and have become good friends. At my weakest and down times im ready to make a move but im trying my best to be strong only advice I can give is just think about your family and job im sure both are very important to u and you know deep down if u had an affair it would be over soon enough or just cause drama and stress u do not need and then you would have lost your friend and the thrill of the crush stay strong!!! I feel you will get through this just fine. I have accepted it myself and just stick with fantasies lol good luck!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): First thing I would say is do not beat yourself up about what you did (UNLESS YOUR NAME IS JESUS CHRIST, BUDDAH, OR ANY OTHER RELIGIOUS ICON/GOD); YOU are just a man (human) like anyone else.
I too (while married) found a coworker so beautiful and attractive (which is one thing) but when that feeling is one which is being reciprocated back it is quite a temptation. I too found myself taking it where being together was discussed/broached, but never did b/c I could not do that to my (then wife/mother of my kids - though our relationship was always so difficult).
If you are happy with your wife and life I would just look at it as something special (in its own way) and accept it for what it is. MUTUAL INFATUATION/ATTRACTION. That and a cup of coffee will pretty much get you a cup of coffee in the gigantic big picture of life. Let it go and just know in your heart you are with whom you are supposed to be with for today.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Been there, done that. I think of it as a Jimmy Carter moment -- he described 'lust in your heart' as a form of infidelity. Sometimes I wonder if it's a worse form than a purely physical dalliance.
You're exactly right, it is just like a break up. Except that you can't let it show at home, which is intensely difficult. I mean, normally when you break up with a girl, you talk about it with your friends and stuff. Now the most important person in your life is your wife, and at all costs you have to keep this hurt away from her.
The only thing that helped me was time. Once I was over the high of a new relationship, I could get some objectivity back and see how she was a bad match, how I disliked her mother, etc.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (14 April 2009):
 I respect your restraint, you have done the right thing, unfortunately as with all break ups and this technically is just that, only time can heal your wounds.
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A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother +, writes (14 April 2009):
 I think you have shown great strength in the face of great temptation and I believe you are doing absolutely the right thing in not pursuing this relationship any further. It sounds very hard for you, particularly as you see this woman regularly and cannot sever the ties. I know it's corny to say this but these things happen because they fulfill a need we all have for attention, excitement, and to feel attractive. Firstly you must recognise that you are only human and not punish yourself for your feelings - you have a good strong pulse! I think you need to be kind to yourself now. Do some things that make you feel good about yourself - and also take the time to work out what is missing in your marriage and how you can restablish that. By investing time, effort, love and care in your marriage you stand a very good chance of getting exactly what you need but from the proper source. We all get bogged down with the tedium of life - the responsibilities of being a good husband/wife, a good parent, a good employee - you need to get some fun back. This will take time to get over, so take one day at a time and don't look too far ahead. I send you my best wishes that you will find the happiness and fulfilment you long for and deserve.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): I don't know much about marriage, but trust me - I know A LOT about crushes. And yes, that's all this actually is - a CRUSH! You are lusting after a woman you don't actually know. The feelings can be very intense...for a while. Eventually, the thrill wears off however. I'm sure that after 9 yrs of marriage it's fun to feel that rush of fresh sexual fervour again, but don't let this emotional joy-ride get the better of you and ruin your marriage. I can guarantee you that if you were to do anything sexual with this woman, you would both end up feeling nothing but emptiness and guilt. You don't love this woman, you're just infatuated with her. Cut all contact - and I do mean ALL contact - with this woman and remember that passion fades, whereas true love (that which you share with your wife) can last a lifetime.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): you just have to remember the terrible consequences of sleeping with her. you could lose your job, your family, financial stability..etc. there is just too much a stake here. although i do understand that the fantasies are so hard to ignore. I would def not act on this.
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