A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband left a week ago. We have been married just over a year and he has only been home for 3 months. I had some trust issues with him before he left, he was drunk one night and made a mistake it was nothing physical but it still hurt the same. I freaked out and would go through everything phone,email, myspace, facebook everything and then he left for his deployment. While he was gone I went out with some friends of mine and got really drunk, I stayed at my friends house in the spare bedroom and one of the guys that all so stayed there tried to make a move on me while I was sleeping in the bed he came in there and tried to lay me and touch me I came too and was like NO you need to leave. I emded up tell my husband while he was gone for the fact that I dont keep things from him. He was extremely mad at me and told me not to go out in the first place because of situations like this. I continued to out out while he was gone with mutual friends but didnt drink as much. I also became close with one of his male friends that i would talk to and text while he was gone and during my husbands return home. I know it was wrong of. I did thinks to keep my sanity of being alone with no family to support me. So since he has been back I thought things were going ok concidering everything that has happened and the fact that he said he was getting over it. Yes, we have problems like every other relationship and im not perfect by far. We argue a lot and it most due because of myself, I feel as though i need to control everything. He feels as though I really dont care about him at all because all of the issues he has we with I had with him at some point. He say he has been trying and I told him I was not, I guess its because I didnt know what need to be fixed and how to fix it. We have suggested at points we should go see a counsellor but it flip flops one does one doesnt or we dont take it seriously. He says He doesnt care about anything any more and when we fight it doesnt phase him. He left last week and is staying at a friends house on the base said he was confused and needed space. I really didnt give it to him because i was scared. I changed the locks because he would go to the house when i wasnt there and go through things and just be there like he missed being home. He said I was making things worse by doing that. he constantly brings up the past and how things were when we dated and he should have saw the signs of how i was when it came to drinking and other men. I didnt grow up with a father and i feel that plays into it. He told me it was over and it was too late to fix things, he just repeats it over and over. When I tell him we can he says he doesnt belive me that I will try and feels he can never trust me again because I didnt try get win back his trust while he was deployed.He calls me when he is drunk to talk about things and just says the same thing over and over. I have told him how right he has been about everything and how wrong I was. he has taken off his band and says is mind is made up for right now.What doest that mean?? I asked what he wants me to do because i will do what ever it takes and he said to me that it is up to me to figure that out. I want my husband back so badly. I guess there right whoever they are when they say -you never know what you have until its gone. I have been beating myself up day after day on how i was such a fool. I have suggested going to see a counsellor, since I already am of all of this when he returns back from his trip to his hometown. He says no. I dont know what to do and peolpe keeping filling our heads with this crap like take this as a learning experience your too young you can bounce back. The thing is I know I wont I know it sound cheesy but were meant to be and will never love anyone like this ever again if it doesnt work. I want him back i want, to work out our marriage and I dont know what to do anymore its only been two weeks but thought that he is really gone will kill me. what do i do?
View related questions:
drunk, facebook, move on, myspace, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (7 August 2009):
 I think it would be a good idea to go to counseling by yourself. Maybe there you can work on your own personal issues and how they play into the arguments you two have. Also, you can learn how to manage conflict and let go of your control issues.
Right now, be patient with him while you do your own work. Keep the lines of communication open. He sounds like he needs time to figure out things on his own too, so let him be for a while.
Good luck with everything.
A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (7 August 2009):
If he has been deployed overseas (?) in the military, then it must have been extremely hard emotionally, psychologically and physically on him, and
if you love him as deeply as you seem to, then you have been feeling it, too.
I am proud of you that you want to work on this marriage and pull it back on his feet! I hope this doesn't sound cliche, but I think couples counseling may help you!
You forgave him for his "mistake" as you say, and, for your part, you didn't actually sleep with the man you were texting and close to, so eventually, he may realize that you reached out to others because you were lonely and scared and needed friendship.
For myself, I have many girlfriends to turn to, but sometimes I have gotten
emotional support and hugs from male friends when things were awful, and it helped.
If your man said his mind is made up "for right now," then that gives you
some hope, I should think for the future. I would advise you to work on yourself, your own life - work, any neglected female friendships, possible church (if you go) etc. When he sees that you are more like the original girl he thinks of you as, then I think (hope) he will return and your marriage can flower again!
Hang in there,
Love,
Manya
...............................
|
