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I need to find the courage to get out but I'm at a loss for what to do!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2010) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2011)
A female United States age 51-59, *aylrlr writes:

We have been married for 11 years and have been together for 13. Things were fine until my husband got arrested for driving under the influence and I had to ask my mother for 2000.00 to get my vehicle out of hock. My mother got very angry at my husband and after that things got worse. We live in Michigan and both were automotive and lost our jobs. After the arrest, my mother refused to help us money wise so his mom started supplementing our house.(I was already into my mom for 13000.00). Since then, I am now a greedy golddigging,drug addict,whore in my mother in laws eyes. This from a women who was very good to me up until this. We filed for divorce and I moved out and left every piece of furniture,I just took 1 (out of 4) TV's and the dishes.

One month later, he loves me cant live without me blah blah blah. So I am back in the same shape. Now I can't even say I live in our marital house, cuz his mom might cut him off. His brother came to stay and I had to find somewhere to stay for the week. Needless to say, I find this all unreal. For starters, I don't have a drug problem, but he had to make me look worse than him, I guess. Now, I don't know what to do. I have a fear of my own decisions, due to the fact that apparently I always make the wrong one. How do I get him to understand this is not fair to me. I wish he would have just left me alone. He tells everyone we know I begged him to come back. Not true at all. I even got humiliated at the bank. He went on a tirade and cut me to shreds in our bank. But he tells me he didn't say anything duragatory to mommie. Come on.

I need to find the courage again to get out, but really at a loss for what to do. Would like some tips on how to make him realize I am a person also.

View related questions: divorce, money, moved out

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011):

contact Alcoholics Anonymous. Even if you are not drinking now the pressure on you is intolerable. And right now you have no support and you need support immediately.

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A female reader, taylrlr United States +, writes (11 January 2011):

taylrlr is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well nothing is getting any better. I can't find a job and my unemployment has ran out and my husband has his own bank account and I have no access to money. When we got together, we are both recovering alcoholics and after our seperation I asked him if he was drinking and he told me no. 2 weeks after my return, he got a bottle and then blamed me for him falling off the wagon, which I found out thru mutual friends that was not true.Now he drinks every Saturday night and I choose not to have that in my face and instead of him looking at it like I am concerned, I am just lecturing him. He has 4 DUI's, 1 of which is a felony, and then with the pill arrest he is now a felon 2 times over. One more strike and he is going to prison.I thought this would show a person that I truly do care, but apparently not. While I was gone for the month, one of his friends moved in and now I am just the maid/chambermaid. We have been married and I did every domestic chore,worked,gave sex whenever wanted (these actions have no $ value) That was one of our precious bonds. The house we live in is in his name only and since he always made more money than me, everything is his. I think I finally got him to let me go so he can do whatever he wants, when he wants and with who. His mother hates me and thinks I am the addict, and that to me is just a scream. He still tells everyone he is sober.(another lie). I don't think I am wrong here, but anyone else who has had this happen to them I would like some support from them.

Lost in Macomb, MI

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

It was not good on your part to leave your husband, just because your MIL was not good to you. why to punish your DH, for your MIL? come on... you need to come out of this. Your this veru thinking has brought to you on this jucture where you are on the verge of you leaving all that u had.

Above divorce and t hen your DH's call for you.. i think he did a better job among you and him? you brought the egoes b/n you and your husband.

So my take is t hat you need to stand by your husband in-spite of your MIL. that would have been a better choice for you. i know human loose rationality in anger and ego-battling mind set that goes on among these situations.

but if he was in trouble, you were to act mature.

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A female reader, Catflap1 United Kingdom +, writes (8 November 2010):

This is a real storm, which probably grew over years? He must be beholden to his mother in some way and trying to please her. I would say to him that if you are going to be together he must bat on your side and be completely firm on that – even if his mother does threaten to cut him off.

You will need to see for yourself that he will stick up for you and silence his mother, stop trying to please all by giving different stories to each. You need him to be giving a consistent message and offering a plan of a way forward.

If it were me I would consider moving away and tell him that you may consider him joining you if he fulfils these obligations. Start to refuse to join in the mud slinging. Just say things like, “I hear that your mother has said this about me. I will watch with interest to see how you sort that out but I am no longer willing to receive or give vile insults”. Or “I am sad that this has all gone wrong and I will do my part to make them right but this will not involve you being inconsistent to playing games. If you can come up with a plan to get through this I am willing to listen, but that is all”.

Most of all, rise above this and greet rudeness or aggression with calm words and say what you want to happen firmly but quietly. The most powerful weapon against childish behaviour is calm reason. It is difficult to do, but very powerful.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

Your biggest and most pressing problem is to get a job and start getting your finances in order. Is that all your debts or are there more? Was the marriage in trouble before you lost your jobs and then this set back has exposed how vulnerable you both are financially - and is this crisis has now exposed the shortcomings in your marriage? Do you or your husband have unpaid warrants outstanding? If so deal with yours asap. Do you and your husband drink alcohol to the point you get abusive to each other? If so that drinking has to stop, besides you cant afford it. Ditto cigarettes or any drugs (illicit) your husband cant afford it. I am not convinced your marriage is salvageable. But you need to inject stability and better financial nest egg building into your life and pay off your debts quickly. In a dispute where your mother in law is involved your husband should support you. Where your mother is unhappy with your husband you have gone out of your way to support your husband, even though doing so has hurt you. Your husband is behaving in an abusive way towards you. That is disrespectful of him. Humiliating you in public or slandering you to family and others behind closed doors is not OK. Your Mom for a start is owed 13000 or is it plus another 2000 for the car money she lent you? What an amazing mother. you need to reconnect with your Mom. Would your Mom forgive you if you left your husband and went to live with your Mom? And show responsibility by developing a regular repayment plan to repay your Mom?

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

rcn agony auntSo, his claims he didn't say anything to mommy, is that to say he's admitting to saying things to all these other people? Why would you need to find a place to stay for a week when company comes? That's just not right at all.

You need to decide that you are worth being treated better, and demand that those you are around do so. If you don't want to be treated bad, then expect and demand the opposite. Demand your husband stick up for you and your marriage. If you chose to stay, I'd tell him 1 chance, 1 thing rumored about you that you are not, 0 chances left, and you're gone. I'd also require that he correct what he has already said to relatives, or to those in places that you frequent.

Personally, I believe your husband is still way too connected to his mama's boob, and isn't going to change. What he's dong to you is not a small issue. His being derogatory toward you to make himself feel better and look better is deliberate, manipulative and extremely vindictive. If he truly loved you, he'd stick up for you, and protect you from others who may treat you less than you deserve.

I hope this helps.

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