A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I guess i am remaining anon because i am ashamed...Im 16 soon 17 in my first year of college studing for my A levels live a life with good people in it such as my friends and a very lovely boyfriend.Ive been with my boyfriend for a few months now and we started sleeping with each other about 6 weeks ago everything was going perfect we always used contraception apart from once we had a condom incident and the next morning got the morning after pill and i soon went on the pill which i remaned taking it correctly and on time and we dont really have sex often so how this happened i dont know.I fell pregnant.My boyfriends parents and my mother both know.I didn't feel guilty because i didnt cause this upon myself and nor did my boyfriend.What i do feel guilty for is having an abortion though i strongly feel its the right thing to do,mostly for the sake of my child i'll be brining it into pproverty and im hardworking and have potential to do something good in my life than rely on the government for the next couple of years.I wish i could make my baby happy but i know invitably the chances are very low my boyfriend who is a little older has nothing to offer a child yet ,this is also why we were extra safe with contraception we knew the consequences if anythng had happpend on top of that my mother is very ill and i just dont think it right having a child if u cant even legally buy a house drive ect ect...seems abit silly.I guess i feel bad for the baby because given i was 4 years older or in a better positon i would of had it whether i brought it upon myself or not :(For educational reasons my mother does not want me to have a kid but to be honest its down to myself and my boyfriend (of whom im lucky to still have,hopefully he'll stick around after ..)This seems like a pathetic question to ask but am i a bad person?I feel guilty even asking for advice but i have now idea how i got myself into this situation i feel angry too because hundreds of girls go about having unprotected sex and never fear the consequeces and someohow i do the opposite and end up making a decision that either way is unfair so out off tht 99% effectiveness i must of been that 1% thats a failure:(Is there any advice you can offer me?Please no abuse..i dont really need it...thank you...x
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abortion, condom, the pill, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): I am in the same position you are... just found out (dont even like saying the word). umm no one knows though. so i guess were not in exactly the same boat but neither of us knows what to do. i would hate myself if i have an abortion mabye. But, i am so afraid of pain i dont want to go throuh that pain durin the next 8 months or or after its over, i dont think i can handle that. I just turned 16, so were the same age... i would be able to support it but idk...
i guess my advice would be if you felt bad about the abortion, there are plenty of parents who would love to have a baby/parents who can afford it and stuff..so yeah... good luck
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (23 January 2009):
 Sweetheart I have to say that unfortunately no matter what you do by saying about your dilemma you have had such contradicting advice on here.
The anonymous writer who didn't even have the courage to say who they were has a lot of opinions, however, HE can never understand what it is like to experience a pregnancy and until he can he has NO idea of what you are going through.
The facts are:- you didn't plan to get pregnant - you did everything possible to prevent it and yes unfortunately you are currently pregnant.
As Icelordess states from her own experience the decision is NEVER easy and she points out that she was in a loving marriage at the time and as a Catholic her religious beliefs are the complete opposite to having an abortion, she made a very difficult decision but it was RIGHT for her at the time and she is reminding you as a lot of us are that the decision has to be RIGHT for you.
Don't upset yourself with the small minded individuals on here who are anti abortion as there is always some so unfortunately you will never get away from that. You didn't make this baby on your own and at the end of the day you cannot force your bf to be a father at such a young age as this DOES affect him to, whether he stays around or not, having the knowledge that he has a child out there is something he would have to live with to.
Get your own professional advice and decide what is best for YOU and your bf and once that is clear then carry on with the rest of your life.
There are never any guarantees in life and we have the make the most of the time we have here so don't continue to beat yourself up emotionally and now you have had the advice don't torment yourself any more by the negative comments on here. You have the support of both your own family and your bf's and that is the most important thing together with the fact that your bf is also scared of the future to.
Do what is right for YOU and shut out the other voices on how a baby forms.
Get the counselling and then take it from there OK.
Let us know how you get on as there are a lot of us here who are only here to help if we can so not all of us judge people. Those that do are not able to walk in your shoes or be able to look at a situation objectively.
Big hugs and love to you and your family right now.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
male
reader, angusforgemma +, writes (23 January 2009):
The other anonymous reader does obviously not understand that a fertilised human female egg (ova) is completely different from skin cells.
And yes actually, by this stage in the pregnancy the baby will have started to form, you obviously have no understanding of the human reproduction system because to compare an embryo to a skin cell is absolutely idiotic.
A skin cell is actually a dead cell as well for your info, it is a keratinocyte that has been apoptosed as it came towards the surface, or stratum corneum of the skin.
An embryo is a collection of stem cells that leads to the formation and differentitation of these cells to form a living human being.
If you dont like the facts, research them, and you will find they are indeed facts.
Are you willing to lose what you could have gained?
Remember, having a child does not mean you cant have a job/career, you will always have the opportunity to do what you want, if the child is put in care, it will make practically no difference to you anyway.
Life is there whether you like it or not, it is a fact, and unless the other anonymous reader has a degree showing his knowledge in this then i seriously doubt that he knows what he is talking about.
In any case, you can look up everything i have said, it is all true.
Please do not have an abortion, it is your mistake to get pregnant, as much as you might not think it is, but it is not the childs fault you got pregnant, so why destroy their life?
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female
reader, HonestyAunt +, writes (23 January 2009):
You are not a bad person.
You are a good person, one day you will be able to offer a child everything you wrote of, but as you say, it would just not be possible now. You have been through such a hard time and you have tried your best to do the right thing, and I hope you can one day feel assured that you did your very best in such a difficult decision at such a young age. Try not to take on board what people say if they judge you harshly...sometimes people have been through things that affect their responses - this is not down to you but to their own experiences. Maybe they were forced to have an abortion they did not want, you don't know their circumstances just as they don't know yours.
You, you are not a bad person and you have done nothing wrong.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): Again that idiot no-gender anonymous reader is trying to emotionally blackmail you with his/her crap. Don't pay any attention to it, there's plenty of great advice from other people here, professional advice would be better for you though, because you can sit down and weigh all your options and you can fully explain your entire life situation to them.
Contrary to what anon reader says it's no more a life than the eggs women excrete when they have their periods, or the millions of sperm ejected during ejaculation, it's a potential life that if allowed to grow will eventually become a human. But right now it's just a bunch of cells.
Anon readers views are idotic antiquated crap. By anon readers philosophy if a small few bunch of cells constitute a human then I've killed millions everytime I bite my lip, human skin cells are alive too.
My point is don't listen to fools that try to convince you that your taking a human life if you do decide to go ahead with it, because at the moment it is no more a human life than what is left behind in a used condom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to inform you i have not yet had my abortion.x
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (23 January 2009):
 No you are not a bad person at all. In fact you are behaving like any normal girl would and you are making some very big decisions you are obviously not taking lightly. This is your decision and you are making the right one for you. Dont take notice of what the people around you are going to think of you because ultimately you are the only one who is going to be living your life, not them.
You were being responsible by using protection, but sadly you are one of the few percentage that become pregnant dispite precaution. No one can fault you for not wanting to continue a prenancy that is unplanned for and if they do it is because they are on the outside of the situation. They arent you and they aren't dealing with your situation. Fuck them. They aren't going to pay for your baby if it was born. They aren't goin to help you take care of the child to let you go to school. They only offer judgments and people like that will always judge you anyways for being pregnant. You wont be able to win with those types of people. Don't let it get to you and Do not blame yourself.
I would recomend you visit some women or visit websites where you can get in contact with women who have had abortions though to make 100% sure this is what you want. They above all people will be the ones to best counsel you on this matter. What ever your choice do not worry about what other people will think of you and just learn from this experience and live life that bit wiser.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Sorry, but one thing i should point out is that the life is already there, now you can either take it away, killing that life, or you can give birth to the child, and have it adopted fostered, or even care for it yourself.To kill or not to kill, that is the question you must ask yourself.This baby is already alive, its limbs are forming, its brain and personality are already developing, its heart is beating, the same as yours, you are already feeding it, it has no protection other than the protection from you, its mother, and yet you are still questioning whether you should kill it?I know what decision i would make, life should not be given and then destroyed, if life is created, on purpose or by mistake, it should be given the chance to prosper, by all means put the child in care, that way it will know no different and will have a good quality of life.Do not let yourself kill another human being.
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female
reader, didda123 +, writes (22 January 2009):
 I agree with Country Woman that to go through with the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption will be a very heavy burden to bear especially for a girl of your age.
I wish you well and hope that your turmoil is short lived i know it is a torturous time xx
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female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (22 January 2009):
i think it is your choice if you want to abort the pregnancy. but i do think you should seek help from a family planning clinic. they will advise you to speak to a therapist before the procedure is arranged.
my friend had an abortion when she was 15, now she is 22 and has a lovely baby boy. even though at the time she was unsure and had mixed emotions i think she is glad of the choice she made as she went on to meet her current boyfriend and get a great job and then have her little boy. what i'm trying to say is that if you do not feel ready for a child then maybe abortion or even adoption will be the right thing for you. but before you do anything, speak to someone professional at a clinic who can help and guide you. good luck.
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (22 January 2009):
Personally I think that both Didda123 and Honeypie have said what I would have said and that is to go and get some counselling before you make any FINAL decision.
All of us have our own opinions on what is right and wrong in life but at the end of the day the choice ultimately has to be YOURS, it is YOUR body and I really do feel so sorry that this has happened after you tried to protect yourselves from having an unwanted pregnancy.
The added pressure of your mum's illness is something I can totally relate to and right now your emotions and hormones are raging and so perspective is somewhat confusing.
I can talk from two sides of the fence really, I personally have never had an abortion and that is not to say I don't agree that it is right for many women but I had problems from an early age of 15 with ovarian cysts so thought my chances of having children were somewhat remote, I had cysts on my second ovary 8 years later and nearly lost that one to but I have a gorgeous almost 8 year old daughter as she is the apple of my eye. I didn't have her until I was 35 and that wasn't because I didn't want to but it came down to timing and the fear of losing my dad from cancer at the time, it just sped up the process I guess.
My sister though did have an abortion and I felt it was so easy for her at the time whilst I was in hospital after my second op but we each have to make the right decision for us and every one of us is an individual and NO one has the right to tell you what is right or wrong for you.
Yes there are many options open to you i.e. adoption but to carry a baby for 9 months and then give it up must be the second hardest thing to do as well as having an abortion is not an easy decision for anyone to make so you have given it a great deal of thought already.
Talk to a professional person i.e. a doctor or counsellor of some sort, anti and pro abortion if you want to or someone who can advise you of the options open to you OK, in that way if you need help if you finally decide on the abortion then you are not alone with any feelings you may have and which you may feel you cannot discuss with the people closest to you. You are not alone and that is the important thing to realise.
Don't expect to much of yourself either and don't try to shut out your emotions, it is very natural to let whatever emotions you have out as it is NEVER good to bottle them up whether that is relief, grief or sadness. Don't let them fester just talk things through now and after you decide ultimately what to do. If it is abortion then allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you have. Just give yourself time and realise that fear of falling pregnant again will be very natural and normal.
I am thinking of you right now and this difficult time for you. I hope your mum gets the best possible care and you get the support you deserve.
Keep us posted eh, don't feel like you cannot come back to the site at any time. Nobody should judge you either.
BFN
Country Woman
x and a big hug to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): I think that it is great that you are seeking outside advise however it might do you better to seek professional help. No one on here can tell you what to do. I understand your position and really the choice is yours. Either way you will do fine you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Just a note from a young mother of two myself...It is amazing what you can accomplish when you truly believe you can....becoming a mother makes you realize a lot of different things. Good luck to you!
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 January 2009):
 I would honestly advice you to seek counseling. If you go ahead and have the abortion you will feel so many emotions (some due to pregnancy hormones and some due to what you hear/see from peoples reactions, and ofcourse from your own set of morals and ideals.
I think if it not right for you to raise a child right now, then do what is right for you.
And yes, depression can happen afterwards. So please get some counseling.
Good luck.
*hug* I'm sorry you are having to make this choice at such a young age.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): That last anonymous reader is entitled to their opinion, but is trying to make you feel guilty about what is your decision and yours alone so don't feel bad. You know your own circumstances and only you know if they're condusive to the raising of a child. Too many fools bring children into this world in situations where they can't take care of them, and while there are people that will adopt children most get left in care and are raised without love.
Life is precious it's true and it's too precious to bring into a situation where it can't have every chance at having a long, loving, prosperous life.
The fact that you have thought this through shows you to be a considerate, kind person and if you are not ready then so be it, it's your body.
Don't listen to that "unwanted unloved, throwing a life away" emotional blackmail crap. That's not the reality of the situation and you know it. That person is trying to make you feel bad for not having the same opinion as them, don't fall for it, you know you're a good person that has a tonne of love to give a child when you are ready to have one. It is up to you to decide whether that time is now or not.
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reader, didda123 +, writes (22 January 2009):
You are very young and i understand everything you have said. This is an unfortunate situation you have found yourself in but life is full of them and we have to learn to deal with them.
I myself had an abortion when i was 18 i knew instantly that it was the right thing to do, i was still studying and had no income to support a child nor did the father so it was definately my best option.
I known a young girl who has gone ahead with her pregnancy it is very difficult bringing a child up on your own especially with no money but i know she wouldn't change things for the world now she has her son and loves him dearly but she has said if she could turn the clock back she may have made a different choice knowing how she has struggled and she has split up with the baby's father so is on her own now which is a thing that must be considered as your life would become much more complicated a baby, the baby's father and a new boyfriend could you deal with it?
It is not an easy decision to make i know and you are bound to feel a certain amount of guilt but your family are behind you so you have their support and will do no matter what choice you make i am sure.
I never really regretted my abortion as i know some people do but i still from time to time wonder about the baby how old it would be, what it would be doing etc but this is just a passing thought.
You have to make the final decision to suit you not your family or anyone else. Maybe you should speak to your doctor who will be able to put you in touch with someone about your choices before you make the final decision and they along with family will help you get things into perspective.
I hope that everything works out for the best and you are relaxed about your decision. Good Luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Think of it this way, from the age of 20 weeks after conception, a child can survive outside of the womb, and i am sure even earlier has happened, and will continue to happen.Are you willing to get rid of this life? Just throw it away? unwanted, unloved, but ultimately a helpless child that cannot affect the outcome.If you have sex there are NO guarantees that you will not become pregnant, if you are old and (mature!!!) enough to have sex, then you should be mature enough to deal with the consequences.This is why people should think before they act, sex is sex, whether it is safe sex or not, and sex makes children.Sure, you may not feel that you can care for that child, but why not put it into care once it is born if you know you cannot look after it.If you feel after 2/3 tears that you could cope with a child you could go about getting the child back into your care.Life is a precious gift that should not be thrown away, it should be treasured.At the end of the day, it is your choice, i can only try and help you make the proper decision for you and your child.You never know, something may happen in the future that makes you infertile, how much would you regret it if you knew you had this chance to have a child then threw it away?Also, in terms of mental health, depression is actually higher in those that abort than those that go through with the birth.Now, i respect that this is an extremely difficult decision for you to make, and by no means should you take a decision either way lightly, just try and think of the advantages for and against both options, weigh them up in your head and then make a logical and informed decision.Neither decision will make you a better or worse person, it will merely shape your life.Best of luck with whatever you decide.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (22 January 2009):
 I think you feel guilty because this is (or was) a life in your hands. I wasnt clear on wether or not you actually went through with the abortion or not, I think not, right? Anyway, You do know that this isnt your only option, right? There are so many ready willing people out there that would give anyting to raise your child. After all, this little person did not ask to be concieved (not saying you made a mistake, but you aside...). You have the option on giving tis child a wonderful life, at the same time, giving the greatest gift of all to someone who really deserves it. I don't think you are a bad person, I think you are a smart person, and when I speak for myself I am incapable emotionally, and faithfully to take the life of a child I produced, however, I understand and agree when a female chooses to, due to health reasons, or unsafe enviornmental reasons. My heart goes out to you. All I ask is for you to explore the option of adoption. It is a beautiful thing, and probably the most self less thing you will ever do in your whole life.
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reader, didda123 +, writes (22 January 2009):
You are very young and i understand everything you have said. This is an unfortunate situation you have found yourself in but life is full of them and we have to learn to deal with them.
I myself had an abortion when i was 18 i knew instantly that it was the right thing to do i
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Whats done is done love. Dont fret over it you are young you have the rest of you'r life a head of you now the only thing you can do is move on. Its YOUR body not your mums YOU can do what you want with it + the legal age for sex is 16 in England so your not doing anything wrong, its a shame you were that 1% but your rite its NOT your fault. It'l be hard but moving on is for the best.
All the best xx
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