A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So i have a friend who ive known since i was 9 we are now 40. We do not live near each other about a 2 hour drive away. Its not that i do not want her in my life as she is a nice person and we are there for each other. She has lots of issues (which we all i know even myself). However she is really stuck in them and has been for years. We usually text everyday and i am starting to feel its too much. Its usually all about negative stuff and everything that is going wrong, i feel i end up talking about negative stuff also. She has alot of issues which i try to offer help with but i know its up to individuals to make their own changes. I think i am the type of person who likes to take control of my stuff and take ownership. I don't want to stop being friends but i think i need to step back from the constant texting morning till night. I work and have a toddler and husband and she is on her own at her mums all day so i understand she doesn't have much else. But there is only so much we can talk about and its always the same stuff.I know i am answering my own question as i know i just maybe need to step back gently. Any advice is welcome
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your replies. I think as someone has mention below i am seeing that it give me an outlet to bring out the negative in me also and whilst yes life gets crappy i myself am more the type that wants to take control. I have had mental health issues myself and have done intense work on that but I do understand that her mental health doesn't allow her to do that at this time and it doesn't make me better.
I think its just the all day everyday texts that's a bit too much. I think i just need a day or two rest from it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2018): Sorry about that - I would just set aside how many texts a day you do . My friends and I normally do around 6 or 7 a day or sometimes just three depending .
I think you need to try and steer her away from negative issues into more positive ones - you could look at the book the master key .. or suggest counselling seeing her gp . If you feel she very down . Don’t be frightened to say hey are you okay as you topics sound real down at the moment .
Then Figure out how many texts your willing to do. If your busy text hey I’m busy till such and such but I will text for bit then . And give yourself some space . You’ve been nice and let her know your not available but your still saying hey we are important as well . If she can’t accept that then come back and let us know .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous sorry I haven't posted about this before
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2018): You’ve been on before regarding this friend.. your last post though didn’t sit very well with the aunts and uncles and you have now reposted but differently .
Why keep complaining. She a friend . Talk with her and explain you can do x y z amount of text a day. That you will make time for her and set one night where you call her for 30 mins this may help the limit on the texting .
I think texting takes less than a min to do .. I mean how would you feel if people on here thought you weren’t even worthy of that, so no one posted back and we aren’t your friend are we.
She down and needs a friend .. so be one .. or let her go and find a friend that will value her .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2018): I agree with TylerSage. Step back if you need to, but if she's helped you through tough times, is it fair to distance yourself now?
Also sometimes we don't realise we're being negative anyway. For example my friend occasionally mentioned that things were usually negative for me and it was bringing her down even if it wasn't my fault that the negative things were happening. What she could never seem to recognise was that she often had a negative attitude anyway because we were both growing through individual crap.
I accepted her low moods because I cared about her and knew we all need a safe person to vent to. She'd be supportive most of the time then every once in a while she'd complain a little that it was 'always' negative. Unfortunately most of my life was negative and I shared that because we were supposed to be close and honest. I wanted her to share too and she did most of the time. I had to tell her once or twice that she was often negative without me being negative so it wasn't fair to think my negative issues were bringing her down when she was already down regardless. It was easier for her to think my negative struggles were bringing her down than to realise she was struggling too and that was the root of her negative mood.
Are you sure her negativity is making you negative or could it be that you open up to her about negative things you're dealing with and don't realise that's just life being crappy not her making you negative?
You say you support each other. Does she still support you whenever you need to vent? Do you frequently share positive things with her or not?
Have you ever been more than friends or has it always just been friendship for both of you? Has she made any progress over the years?
We can generally only feel negatively if there is something negative going on. There are obviously times when being surrounded by negativity brings us down but you say you support each other and you seem to have a good life with your family?
Does she work? When did you last visit her or vice versa? How often do you visit one another? How do you try to help her? Is your friendship only over text or do you talk some other ways too?
It seems like there may be a lot more to this and that it either hasn't occurred to you or you didn't feel it was relevant to add?
...............................
A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (20 March 2018):
 I think one of the best ways to solve your issue is to turn the tables on yourself. If you were down in the dumps, depressed, in need of a shoulder to cry on and just unable to see positivity in the world anymore would you want you friend to bail on you? Friendship is like a marriage, it shouldn't be something you just shake off for when things get rough not to mention you've known each other since you were children. You can't guarantee you'll find another friend like her in your lifetime.
You've noted that her energy is starting to rub off on you and it is affecting your actions. I understand that this can be very dangerous for you and you need to protect your state of mind. However, you haven't mentioned however exactly you've attempted to help her. What exactly have you done to help get her out of this hole she has dug herself in?
As a friend of over 30 years I would expect you would feel comfortable enough to at least point out the bad route your friend is taking, call her out on her negativity, let her know that she's doing something that can be of great harm to her, suggest she get some help, introduce her to new activities to take her mind of her stress. Sometimes being a friend means being vulnerable and going out on a limb for the ones you love, if you aren't willing to do that the she wasn't much of a friend to you to begin with.
Depression is as serious illness that can be expressed in rage and irritation, not just sadness and moping. She may need professional help.
Communication is key. Let you friend know the her negativity is not good for you or her and it's becoming overwhelming and she needs to change. That's what a friend does. However, we both know you can't make her do any of it, she has to want it for herself. If trying and trying and trying fails each time then it seems she doesn't want to help herself and you will have no choice but to save yourself and keep your distance. Nobody is is perfect and friendships aren't easy to come by. Just make sure if you walk away you gave it your all and have no regrets as you move on with your life.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (19 March 2018):
 In your shoes I would gradually build up the time between receiving her text and replying. If you reply, this only encourages her to text even more, so leave it a while before you reply.
Perhaps, instead of getting in too deep, you could just text something like "So sorry to hear that. Thinking of you. Hugs." And then leave it?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2018): Sometimes, one of the hardest things to do is to hurt the feelings of people we care about. As a true-friend; we are trusted and relied upon for our honesty. That's why they might become too dependent on us. You are like a sounding-board and her main source of empathy.
Dancing around her feelings has been your practice for many many years. You might have wanted her to feel she can count on you and may have even inadvertently given her the impression you've got all the answers. You walk the talk. She can see it in-action; and set by your example, by the fact you have your own life together. Of course, we all have our problems; but we take them on, and we overcome them for the most part. Now she is wearing you down and zapping your spirit with her perpetual-negativity and depressing tales of woe.
Some people hate life, and only see the bad side of it. They don't really have it that bad; they just look at only the worst things that happen to them. They have some stupid notion you're supposed to be happy and carefree 24/7! These people spit in God's face for blessing them; and never once do they brighten your day! They hover over you like an ominous cloud before a downpour.
I am a person who feels you need to tell the truth, because it sets you free. There is always a mature, diplomatic, and honest way to deliver the facts. That's called tact. You tell people what's what. You can be considerate, or sometimes you just have to be blunt. Set some boundaries. You can't always get their approval or make everybody like you all the time. You can't always cheer them up. That's unrealistic. People can find a way to make even God Himself a disappointment or failure at helping them.
Stop responding to each and every text or call with urgency. You know she is always in a state of emergency; but your time is not always at her disposal. That's your mistake for trying too hard to prove what a great friend you are. You got carried away with it. That's not entirely her fault.
Learn how to politely change the subject of a conversation.
You're a grown-woman and a wife; and I'm sure you've practiced this on your own husband a time or two! If you've got kids, them too! You're allowed to use it whenever necessary!
Stop letting her dominate the conversation with her problems and complaints. Ask her straight-out, "can we change the subject?"
You're inviting her to use you as a venting-depot and dumping-ground for all of her sorrows and problems. You're her favorite guest at her pity-parties. Admit sometimes you have no advice or solution; and encourage her to seek professional-counseling. That is, unless you are a licensed mental-health professional; then you might start charging her for your services. If you're a licensed life-coach, you should be seeking fair compensation for your continuing life-long and committed assistance. Just joking here!
Just tell her when you're busy or just not ready to hear any problems before she starts. Take charge sometimes. Tell her you're in a great mood and can't talk about problems today.
Or, just don't pickup the phone!!! Delete messages without even opening them. It's not rude or mean. It's necessary!
Take over the conversation and share your own victories and good news. Stop reading each and every text message on the spot. Let her call the emergency-call number if she needs the police or the fire department. Your number is not her emergency hot-line!
Sometimes when a friend calls me and tells me some good news it just lifts my spirit. In the far-off future (after your break), do that for her! Then excuse yourself because you gotta run! "Just wanted to share!" Injecting some positivity in her life helps. It gives hope. It doesn't always have to happen to her to be something to celebrate! She should be glad for you. It's not rubbing it in, it's sharing your joy! Making her a part of it!
She is a selfish person and all that matters is her life. You've allowed her to center everything around herself. You have to quit being this permissive or passive person in your friendship; while being a captive-audience and member of her woe-is-me fan-club.
Tell her you're taking a little time-off for refreshment and some fresh air. These calls and text messages are taking a toll on you; because you are finding it difficult to keep up with so many problems she brings before you. Let her know you care so dearly for her that it is becoming too much. You can't be this honest with someone you have known for so many years?!!
I guarantee you that she's not so fragile she'll implode; or melt into the floor like the witch after Dorothy tossed a bucket of water on her.(Wizard of Oz reference) She is a grown-woman.
You need to make some new friends! Expand your social-circle for the sake of your own support-system; while slowly pushing her to the outer-edge. She'll survive. You're not the reason she lives. You've assumed far too much responsibility for her. She has a mother. If nothing has changed, maybe your advice is ineffective. She needs a new source for counseling. Sometimes you have to change your doctor or therapist. Even friends!
She has no other friends; because you took that job and voided and/or fended-off all other contenders. You've owned her for all these years; as the one person who made your own life look like total heaven. Now it's starting to become heavy and toxic. She's snuffing-out the light in your soul. I mean no offense, but I have to be straight with you.
You and I both know that nobody's life is a total poop-storm; unless they hate life and do nothing to make it better. They never say a prayer, or do good by others. Misery is often the fruit from the sour seeds we sow. She likely suffers clinical depression; and people often try, to no avail, to help these people. She may require therapy.
Wish her well, take yourself a break, and check on her when you feel like it. Cut her off when the complaints become the topic of conversations.
Feel no guilt. Give the relationship an over-due rest; until you have recovered from the poisoning.
You're the best kind of friend there is; but you deserve a break. She needs to pull herself out of her own rut; and decide life is worth living. Life is a gift from God. It's not just the time we're spending on earth to complain and fuss until we die.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 March 2018):
 If your phone allows it, MUTE her number.
When you feel like you CAN handle a conversation BE aware of STAYING positive.
Wean her off from talking so much with you, through out the day. I CERTAINLY understand that we can only have the "same" conversations so many times and so much negativity.
Just know that you CAN NOT change her life or her. SHE has to do that. And for now she ins't willing or ready for changes.
IT IS OK to slowly step back.
Now if she asks I would be honest (not too blunt, but honest) that you have MUCH to do with the little one, hubby, life and you feel you need more positivity around you. She might not like hearing that, she might get mad. But maybe she needs a little wake up call?
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (19 March 2018):
As you stated...you need to stand back from your friend.I understand your situation and the history with your friend,
so it is difficult for you.Yes you do need to step back from your friend....not alone for yourself...but also for your friend.While you have a job,husband,toddler....she seems to have nothing going for her at all..So suggest in a gentle way..for her to join different groups...sometime you know she might be interested in....Maybe you do not need to have your phone on all the time......instead of answering all her texts.....answer only a few .She has to take ownership of her own life and problems..and not to overload you with them.....you have your own life to deal with....but sometimes friends only think of their own needs...So in a gentle way...stand back...Kind regards NORA B.
...............................
|
