A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my husband, but his habits of selfishness and laziness are starting to really eat at me. While I feel he loves me, I don't feel he cares about me. He doesn't seem at all concerned with what I might need or want, and everything seems devoted to him.He will get as finicky as a spoiled toddler who doesn't wish to share his toys or food, doing things such as: Eating 80% of the meat cooked for a dinner for 2, or always demanding the biggest, best portion of anything we eat...if I sleep in (I have a sleeping disorder) and he wakes up before me and sees me using his pillow, he tells me I'm 'not allowed' and takes it from me just to set it on the bed again....gets extremely possessive over any junk food he buys, and is always buying video games he will take forever to even begin and say I'm not allowed to play them (I love playing games, too.) Dinnertime is always what he wants, and he is an incredibly fussy eater and isn't above letting me know how distasteful he may find something. (I'm not a bad cook at all, but he refuses to eat anything with vegetables, minced onion/garlic/minced anything, certain cuts of meat because they aren't completely soft and tender, etc.) He loves it when I make banana bread, but when I make it, he will say it's "Just for him" and that I don't need the calories (which is something I say myself, but he has begun to use it whenever he wants a bigger portion or wants something all to himself.)He is also very lazy in the sense that all the cooking, housework, and much of the grocery shopping is done by me, and he doesn't work. He has never really doted on me at all, but always expects me to dote on him. I don't even have a wedding ring.... It's like he is fine to buy himself things all the time but won't even scribble on a piece of paper that he loves me (which yes, to my sentimental heart, would make me smile.) He is only concerned with his wants and needs to the point I feel unimportant. My best friend dotes on me more than my own husband, and I don't feel that's right. He is also at the point now where he is denying me intimacy, saying basically "He isn't miserable without sex and he isn't gonna force himself to do anything to satiate me". I love him, but it's hard to get this stuff to sink in to him. He's not a bad guy, he's just..really selfish and lazy....and it's complicated in that he's still affectionate to me, but the "normal behavior" you exhibit with someone you love...he lacks, and it makes me feel unimportant and undervalued, and is putting me into a state of depression.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 August 2012):
 of course they've increased ten fold.... folks relax and become themselves when they get settled in a relationship.
your problem is you married a man you barely know.
I'm sorry you had 5 years of LDR with 3 months visits once a year so that's a total of 1.25 years together before you married him.....
have you told him you are not happy? have you told him that if things don't change you will have to divorce and go home? because dear that's what will happen.
I'm so sorry you already married. I would have strongly advised you to just live with him for a year or so before marrying.
LDRs are NOT easy and being apart more than together makes us look past stuff when we are together and makes our behavior when we are together not real life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): No, that isn't my same question, it's someone else's.
We've been married about 7 months. In a relationship 5 years, but most of it has been long distance, as he lives outside of the united states (as I do now too.) I would only get to be able to see him once a year for 3 months at a time.
Of course I love him. He used to be very kind and emotionally doting, and we have much in common and can and still talk for hours at a time about things. The selfish bits have always been there, yes, and I had akcnowledged when I married him that I would have to deal with them.
It's just they've increased tenfold.
And no, he is not a momma's boy. He had a fairly normal relationship with all his family.
He actually used to be more "doting" or rather, interested about what I need (I don't mean like..buying me flowers all thet ime, spoiling me. Just making sure I'm comfortable" in the first year of our relationship, but it's gradually become this.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (23 August 2012):
 This is your question too no?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-love-him-but-hes-selfish-and-lazy.html
So is it your boyfriend or your husband?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 August 2012):
Either you are going to have to upset the status quo and him and shake him up or end the marriage OR you can suffer in silence….
So if you don’t want to make him feel bad, then you have one option and that’s to just suck it up and accept that this is the man you married. I get it…. But here’s the deal, if you want him to change you are going to have to shake up his happy little world and he will be upset and angry… and hurt and it won’t be pretty.
So you decide what you want to accept and not accept.
I’m a great cook… my man does not eat fruits or veggies and thinks I’m a lousy cook. I stopped cooking for him. If there is something I want that he likes I’ll make it, other wise, we get carry out or he can nuke himself a frozen mini pizza.
As for amounts, are you actually making enough food? Men need more food than women calorie wise. A stomach can hold up to 16 cups of food… maybe you are expecting him to eat small dainty girl size portions and he wants HUNGRY MAN sizes??? In our house we eat the same thing but I use a salad plate and eat about half of what he eats on a regular size plate…
The demanding of the better and bigger portion… that’s just childish and selfish… but to me if you KNOW he’s going to do it, just prep for it in advance… after all you have to choose your battles carefully especially if you don’t want to hurt or insult this “brat” (your term not mine)
On the pillows…. Why do you use his pillow? Do you need more pillows yourself? Or are you just using this as an example to add to the laundry list of what’s wrong with this man. Last night my guy kept me up at least 2 hours past what time I wanted to go to bed, when he did come to bed the first thing he did was remove my pillow from under my head because he did not like the way I was laying… he thinks it hurts me. It doesn’t. Him pulling the pillow out from under my sleeping head hurts me… I’ve asked him not to do it, but he insists thinking he’s being helpful. One of the stupid annoying things I suck up to be with a brat myself (only I call him “shithead boy” and to his face)
The comment that you are “not allowed’ is a bit disconcerting. Is he controlling in other aspects of your life or is he somehow trying to make a joke… if you are not allowed to use his pillows, go buy more pillows. I just bought a body pillow for our bed and I love it but my fiancé cant’ stand it… he basically gets told to suck it up and deal. As for the games.. well even if he says you are not allowed, what happens if you ignore him and play them? Does he get violent? Does he sulk? BOTH are huge red flags honey… perhaps he was so spoiled as a child that he has entitlement issues or he’s not a good sharer. Perhaps he needs some therapy to learn to play nice?
Junk food? Buy you own and put it in a locked box and tell him “MINE” and just don’t sweat the small stuff…
Dinner time is always what my guy wants too… he’s a picky eater… and he tells me over and over what a lousy cook I am… my kids, friends and ex-husbands are all in shock that this man thinks I can’t cook. But I can’t cook to please him, so I DON’T! He can cook, I’ll heat something up but I’d say 80% of the time we get carry out… it’s lousy for my figure but it’s peace of mind for my soul….
IF you have complained about your weight and the calories you ingest, then he is just giving you back what you already told him… Many folks don’t get that we vent and rant about wanting to lose weight but we don’t often do it…. He’s just trying to be helpful there.
When you bake the banana bread either make two and give him one and put the other in your lock box or give him half and tell him, “this is for you the rest for me and folks that appreciate it and if you don’t like it you can bake your own banana bread”
Stop doing all the cooking, housework and shopping… I do most of it too but I don’t complain about it… if I need him to do something I ask. It’s EASIER for me to do it and as an older woman I am rooted in the traditional roles… Even though he is much younger he was raised that way as well and we seem comfortable with it. IF you want him to do more… TELL HIM that you want him to do more and then DON’T do the things you want him to do. YOU may end up with no food in the house, or dirty clothes… but you will have to show him that he’s not rowing the relationship boat enough to make you want to stay. And honey your resentment about these things will continue to grow… and eventually you will blow up and leave. This I PROMISE.
He’s NEVER doted on you… so you knew this going in… but now you want to change the rules?
He expects you to dote on him? In what way? What happens when you don’t?
As for a wedding ring…. Why did you marry a man who gave you no ring? Does he know you WANT a ring? Why don’t you go out and buy yourself a wedding ring… you can get a plain gold band at Walmart for $50.
If his only concerns are his wants and needs, then make your only concerns YOUR wants and needs.
As for the sex… if he doesn’t want it, there is not much you can do… we don’t have sex often but we cuddle and kiss daily… and that’s good for me….
You love this guy (so you say) tell me WHY you love him… you say he’s not a bad guy… well how is he a good guy
He’s not having sex with you
He’s not sharing with you
He’s not working or contributing to the household
He does not make you feel loved or cherished.
WHAT about this man DO you love?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 August 2012):
 You don't want to insult or make him feel bad, Hummm? Well then Honey, you are going to be living your life this same way next year and the year after that. If that isn't acceptable then you will have to sit him down and tell him exactly what you just told us. If the truth of his behavior insults him or makes him mad so be it. If he doesn't straighten up and fly right after you guys have this chat, then use the door.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 August 2012):
 Stop catering to him.
I also think you have some totally unrealistic idea of who your husband is compared to who you think he SHOULD be. And that, I can imagine must be depressing.
All the things you mention, are they NEW behaviors or are you just discovering them now? one by one?
Is he by any chance a "momma's boy"? Someone who got spoiled rotten by his mom and other females of the family? Because it almost sounds like he is action like a child.
And last but not least how long have you been married? Was he like this when you two dated? Did you two live together while dating?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): Thanks for your advice but I'd appreciate you not calling him names. I still love the man, regardless if he's a brat. I'm more after best way to approach him about it rather than insult or making him feel bad.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (23 August 2012):
I assume you have talked to him about it and if you havent do so asap. If he cannot change i would get a divorce because that is not a husband. You may as well get paid for what your doing. I had a boyfriend that was very much like your husband and i was the one that suffered. He made my life hell yet i loved him, but he couldnt stop. He only cared for himself and i paid the price. Thats exactly whats happening to you and i suggest if he cant get his butt in gear then you need to reevaluate your life unless you want this to be the rest of your life. I hope it works out and that he can man up because you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 August 2012):
Umm...WOW. Depressed? That's an understatement.
Sorry dear, but your hubby is acting like a total piece of shit and he needs a reality check.
1. Stop making your man-child-husband dinner. If he doesn't like anything you cook then you can cook what you like for yourself and he can cook the Cup O' Noodles he probably only knows how to make.
2. Next time he says something about his pillow tell him you'll be glad to hold it firmly over his face.
3. Sit around in your pajamas and play all of his video games all day.
4. Make a loaf of banana bread but tell him it's for your friend that actually appreciates you and give it to him/her instead.
5. Write on a piece of paper "I love you (insert your name)" and put it on your refrigerator. When he asks why that's up there, tell him that someone at least loves you even if it isn't him.
6. Call his mother and tell him what a piece of shit son she raised and she needs to straighten him out or you're sending him back home so she can do all his cooking and cleaning.
In all seriousness, was he this way BEFORE you married him? Because if he was, marriage certainly wasn't going to change him and he sounds like a nightmare. You sound like a really sweet girl that deserves so much more. Get couple's counseling ASAP or be prepared to live your life in misery!
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (23 August 2012):
Im sorry because it sounds like you are making excuses for him. Stop. People who love someone care about them and he doesnt care. Period. If you are supporting him and working cooking cleaning etc and hes just taking and taking then stop giving. You said hes like a toddler. If a toddler throws a fit do you keep giving them their way in hopes they will appreciate and love you more? Heck no! Its called tough love. My two year old is more gracious and helps me more than your hubby helps you. He says thankyou he shares and he cleans up his spills puts his dishes in the sink throws his diapers away etc. Stop cooking for your husband. He can learn especially when he takes advantage. Go out to eat or only make things he hates and make only enough for you. And when he says theres no food in the fridge tell him he needs to go buy more with his own money. Dont have sex with him if he doesnt satisfy you first get a vibrator or dildo. And when he wants it tell him exactly what he told you. Dont wash his clothes.
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