A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am ABSOLUTELY head over heals in love with my boyfriend. He is perfect in every way: he listens to me, hes educated, romantic, caring, thoughtful. all of that. this is my longest relationship and it seems like the stars aligned for us to be together..we're perfect.except for the fact that i might of ruined it. My boyfriend took my virginity and I have a very liberal view of sex. I always heard that it is best to have sex w/ at least one other partner before you settle down. For some reason, at some point my mindset allowed me to have sex with someone else. Now as the relationship is gettng stronger, and even more intense, each day i feel guiltier and guilter. I can't go a couple of hours without thinking about it.but i cannot tell him ( i almost have a couple of times), because not only woulod it ruin everything, but it would break his heart.I dont know what to do. should i tell him? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): I am in the position your boyfriend is, my fiance doesnt know i know, but i know. You have to tell him. Please for the sake of his sanity and your love. If my partner had told me then i wouldnt be wondering how i am going to break up with her. I implore you to tell him. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (23 May 2007):
 If there is even the slighest chance that he will find out through other means, it is best that he hears it from you. If he hears it from someone else, he will never be able to trust you again. If it is from you, you have one shot at earning his trust back.
Otherwise, keep your mouth shut. It is your guilt, your burden, and you must live with it. It would be selfish to burden him with it too. Chances are your relationship will not last anyways. You are conflicted by your own beleifs.
Eitehr you are liberal about sex, or you are not. You cannot have it both ways. Obviously, you did not feel you could be honest with him about your beleifs. I think you have some growing up to do in order to learn about who you really are, and THAT is going to spell the end of this relationship at some later date.
-FBK
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A
male
reader, agony_uncle_r +, writes (22 May 2007):
can i just ask what your idea of love is? you say your head over heals in it yet you've lied,cheated and broken the bond of trust with the man you say is so special to you.
theres no way on earth a loving, honest relationship can be built on lies and deceipt. if you in any way value this man then you'll tell him the truth of what you've done behind his back. if he loves you theres a chance he'll forgive you, but as a cheat you reep what you sow!!
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (22 May 2007):
For some reason, i think you should just keep it to yourself. In time you will get over it, and although you may be racked with guilt, you would probly feel even worse when you told him and saw how hurt he was. Just keep it to yourself, and give him a get out of jail free card. If he ever does it, or something really bad...forgive him for it and call it evens. You were just curious, everyone is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): Whether or not you tell him is up to you and there is no right or wrong answer. Some people would suggest you don't tell him, others would say you should.
Personally I try and look at all moral questions this way. If your boyfriend cheated on you, would you want to know about it? Or would you prefer to continue believing everything was the way you saw it? That is an important question for me, and it comes before not wanting to "ruin" things or hurt someone I love.
No doubt your boyfriend will be incredibly hurt, but it doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Some relationships get through things like this and they become incredibly strong because of it.
I think you'll feel miles better as soon as you can commit yourself to a decision either way. But until then, all the best with whatever happens.
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A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (22 May 2007):
 You need to tell him. You made your choice to betray his trust. You should have realized that there would consequences from your actions. The longer you wait to tell him, the more damage it's going to do to his heart. The longer you wait, the less the possibility of him ever being able to trust you again. If you care about him, you'll break his heart a little bit now, instead of breaking it a little bit later.
DV1
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): altho I dont agree with wot u did - in this case I wud say nothing, 4get it, put it down to experience and get on with ur life.Y hurt him for no reason - he prob dusnt want or need to know.If u feel he will find out anyway from elsewhere the that is different and maybe best come clean - but apart from that - NO
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): sometimes its best to put your mistakes behind u, forget them and get on with life. U have nothing to gain by telling him now and maybe everything to lose. I would only tell him if u think a good chance he will find out anyway.we all have secrets. I'm not endorsing wot u did - but if it isn't broken don't try to fix it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): Consider the discomfort your punishment if it makes you feel better. Don't offload your guilt by telling him because it will spoil the relationship. It is possible that you appreciate him more than you would have, exactly because of your mistake. You have had to consider whether you would want to be without him, or how you would feel if you lost him and it has been a huge shock. This feeling that you have brought upon yourself may well protect you from risking the relationship ever again and if it does it will be worth it. You will have to live with the tinge of guilt, but you are only human and I bet you don't do it again. If he ever does it to you, you will have some understanding for him too. That may be useful, but again, if he ever did that in future you would have no right to be upset would you? That is another part of the punishment and it is quite enough. Be grateful for the extra edge this has given your relationship and for the appreciation you feel which you may not quite have had otherwise.
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