A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I am a 39 year old man from Ireland.4 years ago I started seeing a single mum who has three kids. The lady is 8 years older than me and had just come out of a bad relationship.Things were fine in the beginning and we managed to open up to eachother quite a bit. In fact we told eachother quite a lot of provate details about eachothers lives and for a while things were going well.She was VERY generous with her time and attention (and still is) and in fact we have had quite a passionate and intense 4 years.The lady want's me to marry her and relocate her family to where I work, or to move in with her permanently where she lives.I have reservations as I am not sure if I love her enough and also because I would maybe like to see someone younger. It will be difficult for us to have children together - but she has offered this.My parents are pretty against this and she hasn't told anyone in her family that she is willing to try to have another child.I am really stressed and confused about this. I love the lady and we support each other a lot, but there have also been some bad arguements and some really questionable behaviour (from both of us to be fair).I don't want to get rid of her out of my life but at the same time I have big reservations about marriage. She just keeps on pushing and pushing and getting very emotional when she doesn't know whats going to happen.To make matters worse I have moved away for work in the past 2 months.There have been miscarraiges and all sorts over the past year. My head is frazzled. Can anyone help?Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (4 January 2014):
Wow! Thank God for those miscarriages. You have no idea what you want. And that's ok....but in fairness to this lady you need to let her go. If she is not ALL you want then why are you wasting her (and your) time.
She is trying to have a baby with you! Stop this emotional train wreck. You are going to hurt her and you deeply.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (4 January 2014):
After 4 years together she's not exactly out of line in asking for commitment from you. It's a long time to spend with someone, and naturally she assumes your relationship has been moving forward towards that point.
The problem is, from your post it's clear that you don't. If you wanted to marry her you would know by now and it's clear that's not the case with you. You might not want to break up, but at the moment you are stringing her along (albeit unintentionally) and it's not fair on her. She deserves someone who is desperate to marry her just like you deserve someone you are desperate to marry, so the only choice is to end things and allow you both to find that with other people.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 If you would like to see somebody younger and maybe have children you need to end your relationship with this lady NOW. Time is on your side if you want to have a younger wife and babies, but it is not on her side.
Stop being an arse and hedging your bets. Man up and break up! After four years your lady is looking for commitment from you, if you have no intentions of making or giving that commitment the longer you stay with her the more painful it will be for her and also the less chance she has of finding somebody to be in a long term relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): Do not marry anyone when you have any reservations about it.
I don't give a rat's bare butt what age he or she is!
Marriage is not a step you take unless your heart is in it 100%. You don't leave her standing at the alter when you change your mind at the last minute, and you can't just walk away once you have been pronounced husband and wife.
Now let us face the harsh realities. You state hesitation.
That sends off alarms, buzzers, and red-flags for me.
She already has kids, she has already been through a divorce, and the last thing she needs is a guy to marry her under pressure. Only to divorce her shortly thereafter.
Another divorce will not only devastate her, it will hurt the kids as well. They will have to relive that hell with their mom once more.
Even worse, you'll start eyeballing younger women to only make her feel insecure and jealous. You're a guy, and you won't be able to help it.
She is aging. It will become more noticeable in two or three years. You will not age at the same rate. It would be horrid for her to experience your loss of physical attraction for her when she does. If you hadn't said you may want someone younger, or want your own child; I would not have made these remarks. I am a mature person, but I have to be brutally honest. I have responded to far too many broken-hearted women to overlook this.
She would be taking great risks having children over the age of 45. She would be doing it only for your sake. Honestly, I really don't think she wants to put her body through pregnancy at 47; or risk mongolism in her newborn.
When in doubt, go without. She wants a man in her life, she has three kids she's raising alone; and she will overlook all the other details that could be heartbreak down the road. I don't know her financial status. Strained, if she has kids starting or attending college. If her ex doesn't handle his end.
As a lady ages, she sees all her prospects and opportunities starting to dwindle. Sometimes desperation sets in, and overrides her better judgment. I wish she was the one who wrote this post.
The fact you wrote the post is an indication to me you really don't want to; and just don't know how to bow out without hurting her feelings. Divorce in the next two years would hurt her more. Then she'll be a single mom with four kids to raise, pushing 50. Facing even less prospects of remarrying. Hopefully; the kids are teens to twenties now.
I'm not going to paint rosy pictures to make older ladies feel good. I'm going to tell it like it is, and save some broken hearts. I'm with your parents on this.
Be honest and let her know the probability of marriage is out. Allow her the option to move on, if she wants to.
Sorry ladies. You may not agree.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 January 2014):
 You say you don't think you love her enough. THAT right there means you need to end it, or you are JUST using her til you find your "younger and greener grass".
I don't think it's too much to expect marriage after 4 years together. However since you are not on the same page as her, it's a "shit or get of the pot" kind of moment for you.
You might not want to let her go, just yet - but is it FAIR for her to wait around even longer for you to decide?
As for her having a baby at 47? Well, it can happen with fertility treatments maybe, though at 47 it's kind of pushing it on her health and body to carry another baby.
So you need to REALLY decide what you want. If you want to be with her you KNOW that she expects marriage. What is her attitude about you two NOT getting married but keeping it going as it is? My guess is, that is not what she wants.
I don't really think you are being fair keeping her around waiting to find your "younger future wife"...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 January 2014):
You, and you alone need to make a decision here. You can't expect this women to continue to push and wait for your answer. And I think, deep down, you know the answer. You don't want to marry her, and you don't love her enough. It would be very cruel of you to continue to see her and leave her in this position.
Unless you want to be with this women, you need to end it and let her go. And, from what you're written, I think that's what you need to do.
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