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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I have a situation and I need some advice. I have been talking to this guy on and offline. He texts me everyday and we talk on the phone also. He is the nicest guy that I have spoken to in a long time. He does live far away and wants to come and see me. He says he wants to be exclusive with me and he is hoping that I will return his feelings. He is talking about us and wanting a future with me. I really like him and care about him and he has really stepped up and shown me that he cares about me.Now there is another guy who is my friend, we went out on a date and have remained friends. We have a strong attraction to each other but he doesn't want to be exclusive. He knows that I love him and is cool with our friendship. Recently, I sent him an email telling him about this guy that I have been talking to who lives far away. When we first started talking to each other he was really jealous, and would always ask me about other guys I was talking to. I mentioned that this guy is falling for me and I want to give him a chance and go out on a date with him.He texted me back and said, "Okay cool, Hope it goes well with that guy." A few months ago when I went out with an older guy he acted like he was okay with it and then asked me if I was going to see him again, soI told him that he hasn't called me. So he made it clear that he didn't want me to date him. Now I kind of wanted to put him on the spot and I asked him a question because I think he might get jealous of this new guy. I said, "Were you telling me goodbye? Do you want me out of your life?" He just answered, "We are friends."Do you think he is hiding his jealousy by saying that he hopes it goes well with the new guy? He has tried to do that before and always gets upset with me especially if he sees me on the dating sites.I really just wanted to see where I stood with him so that I could move forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the anonymous reader I didn't give my friend an ultimatum.He knows how I feel about him and he has been very elusive and just keeping it a friendship between us. I told him that if we are friends we should be able to tell each other things. He was okay with it. There is a part of me that does want him to fight for me, but that is not the kind of guy he is. And you really don't know the whole story. I am a person who likes to get things out and talk about them so that I will know where I stand with that person. As far as the new guy he pays way more attention to me and even though things are moving quickly I am being cautious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): Testing his desire for you by bringing in another guy as though he is bull to fight for you is a wrong way to get a meaningful relationship because you are basically extorting him. Frankly, he should be suspicious of wether you are worth the hassle of the extortion. And he is right to think that if you doing it to him he will surely suspect you of doing it to other men. What you are doing is a divide and conquer strategy and the guy to whom you are giving ultimatums should walk away from you.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 You love him...that isn't really platonic...that is unrequieted. There would be only one reason you'd tell him that you want to date the other guy and we have said that already. As Tisha said, do as you like.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 You don't have to clear things with your friend if you want to go out on a date with someone. You are free, single, not committed to anyone, you may do as you like! Have fun!
One word of caution, you don't know this new interest yet, he lives far away and is already moving very fast. Take things slow, no sex for at least 90 days, get to know him off line as well, it's very easy to portray yourself as something you are not online. It's a bit of a red flag to me that he's talking so much about the future and you two haven't even met yet. Be cautious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I just wanted to mention that our friendship is platonic.
We have expressed sexual feelings quite a few times and he says he is still attracted to me and recently told me how
beautiful I am. But he is very clear about being friends.
The other guy is moving quite quickly and I just want to
see if we can meet and go on a date. Thanks for the comments.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2014):
 I agree, you are the one holding yourself back. Playing games won't make him change him mind. He already CLEARLY stated that he doesn't WANT to date you, but he still think he has some "right" to tell you what he thinks. He wants to CONTROL you, but not be with you. The jealousy you are sensing is him feeling like he is losing his control over you. HE LIKES that you "WANT" him (or love him) - it stroked his ego, so if you start dating that would stop, right? Do you think he would be happy about NO LONGER getting his ego strokes?
And YOU DO need to go slow with Mr. Charming (whom you have actually never met) He wants to build a future and yada yada. He is saying EXACTLY what he KNOWS a woman wants to hear.
Met him (no sex) and get to know him face to face, see if he matches the personality he's been "selling" you online and off line.
BUT only met up with him if you ACTUALLY want to get to know him. If you are just playing MORE games to try and get "the friend" jealous, then you need to cut Mr. Charming off.
Your "friend" is not a friend. You have romantic feelings towards him and he wants to control you. THAT IS NOT A friendship for crying out loud.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2014):
'I really just wanted to see where I stood with him so that I could move forward."
-"he doesn't want to be exclusive' - 'He knows that I love him' -'He just answered, "We are friends."'
He's made it clear. He doesn't want to date you. You are friends.
I have to ask, are you friends having sex or are you just platonic no sex involved whatsoever friends? Because if you are having sex with this friend, I expect the reason he wouldn't want you to date other guys is that his source for sex (you) will no longer be at his beck and call.
If you are friends only, well, this guy has made it very clear: he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you.
The only person holding you back from moving forward is you. You are not going to be an relationship with this guy, no matter how much you wish you could be and how you try to find the signs in his actions and words.
Again, if you are having sex with this friend, time to stop. It's giving you ideas that there could me more, and this guy has made it pretty clear this isn't going to be more.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 You stand exactly how he has told you, i.e. that he does not want an exclusive relationship with you while I suppose you want one, and that for what he is concerned you are JUST friends.
I think you are overthinking this. It's a no go.
Maybe you are reading more than there is into his curiosity about your dating life , due to your wishful thinking, or maybe he is actually piqued and peeved that you don't want to put your life on hold for him and just be content with what he could give you , i.e. inconstant, non- exclusive attention. Could be - some persons are jealous and competitive by nature.
But even if it were so, so what ? that would be his probelm, not yours . Does he want to be in a steady committed relationship with you ? he said thanks but no thanks- so whatever he thinks of your dates, whether he approves or disapproves , is really not your concern.
I guess what you are really asking is if you can use other guys to make him jealous and needle him into being with you. I'd say no, at least so far you have sort of tried and it has not worked.
I'd let go of games and strategies.. If you want to move forward, it's easy- just actually DECIDE to no ifs and buts, move forward, and keep going, or not going, on the dating sites according your own wishes and preferences . Do not feel like you have to give the running commentary of your dates to your " friend ".
As a matter of fact, perhaps I would do even better, I'd just give up, or at least freeze for the duration, this so called friendship. He's not really a friend, is he?, I mean if it only were for you he would be more than a friend, so he is actually a crush. How can people be, or pretend to be, " friends " with persons with whom they are in love , it always beats me. Friendship is not romance, the two things generally don't mix well. Plus, I think that friendship is actually about been sincere, open and totally yourself, how can that happen when one has instead romantic love feelings, which she has to hide, suppress or tune down ?.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 January 2014):
Are you hoping that by telling him that you want to date someone else that he will get jealous enough to declare his love for you and decide he does want to be exclusive with you afterall?
Let me tell you...that doesn't work.
I think you love him and are hoping that this will push him to become your partner...it won't.
I'd be wary of the other guy as well. It's very suspicious that a man will tell you he wants to be exclusive with you and want to be with you before he has even seen you. You can only know you are right for eachother by spending a good amount of time with eachother but lets not forget that you already love someone else...does the new guy know that? Would he still want to come see you if he did know?
I think you should proceed with caution because neither one of them sounds right for you.
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reader, Jaeger12 +, writes (13 January 2014):
Sounds like you really want the friend more. If a guy tells you that you are just friends he will very rarely change his mind, regardless of his feelings (if any)
However this new guy sets alarm bells ringing for me. Something about him doesn't seem right. If you like your guy friend then stop dating over dudes and show a bit of loyalty.
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