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I like him but he doesn't stimulate me. Should I try again?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 March 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, *rincessjasmine writes:

Hi,

I am under a lot of pressure by parents to get married, culturally, I'm old, 30. And my parents really care about whay others think.

Anyways, I met a guy online. Sweet, untrustworthy guy, which is hard to find in a world full of untrustworthy people that you might click with and might be attracted to but they lie and cheat (that recently took place too.) Anyways. This gut took me out for Valentine's, spent money on me, told me I look beautiful, did all the things girl's like. But he's also from my country and moved really fast! He kissed me on the second date, i wasnt ready, on the third i let him kuss me because he paid for am expensive meal. Anyways, he and I went to a museum, and he wasnt until it at all. I was so into it. I could tell he was just trying to please me and do whatever to make me happy but we have nothing in common. He talks about his little bubble, with his nice car and good job, but i want to talk about the world and all that surrounds us. We're not intellectually at the same level. In fact, him trying so hard, and lying about watching game of thrones just to please me pisses me off so much that i want to slap him. I have no respect for him at all because he's trying so hard. He wanted me to only date him after the fifth date. I told him I don't see this going far and he still tried. He comes running from one call. He's so easy to control. I can get anything from him, his money, his help. But I just don't feel it. I simply don't feel like we're on the same page. I don't want to use a guy! I dont respect guys that i know i can just use when I need them. I want someone who stimulates my brain. I want some commonalities. But my father thinks I'm being naive because he's innocent, good hearted, good job, can take care of me. Im just thinking, am I being too picky? Am I not being rational? There are so many guys I don't trust but i trust him. Should I try again? Is this what i should be with? My annoyance towards him is driving me crazy. I really don't like him but should I like him because he's so nice to me and trustworthy, loyal? I wanted much more in my love but maybe that's not how life works and i should be practical. What's the happy balance? How do you know its right?? My mom thinks I should do what makes me happy. Idk I'm so conflicted and confused.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (29 July 2017):

GET AWAY FROM HIM, NOW.

YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM

I've known guys that try TOOOOOO HARD to "MATCH" and find compatibility with a girl. But you know what? Girls are smart, and they know right a way when a man is trying too hard, and is doing things he does not like, and being and acting as a person that he is not.

I personally would stay away from a person that didn't acted as he truly is, and tried to fake liking stuff and all that kind of lies. He is not an assertive person. An assertive person expresses clearly what he likes and what he doesn't likes.

Regarding:

"on the third i let him kuss me because he paid for am expensive meal."

I wouldn't kiss a 102 year old girl if she bought me an expensive Ferrari. Just because he bought you something it doesn't means you have a legal contract to kiss him. DON'T DO THAT!

Regarding: "I don't want to use a guy! "

Please, don't do that. When a guy realizes he is being used, he is going to hate you. It's better to cut things now before it's too late.

"I really don't like him but should I like him because he's so nice to me and trustworthy, loyal?"

You answered your question: you don't like him.

There are many people that are nice and trustworthy, but that doesn't make them marriage material.

Attraction is something that it's required for a relationship to hold, at least on the early years. It could be physical attraction, intellectual attraction, or any other kind of attribute it attracts you.

I personally couldn't be with a girl that I'm not attracted in some way, even if she is nice and trustworthy, or even if she it's extremely hot (I know it sounds incredible, but it's true).

Just imagine, marrying a dude, that likes you and is obsessed with you, but you don't feel anything for him.

THAT IS A RECIPE FOR A FAILED MARRIAGE AND EARLY DIVORCE.

Save yourself a lawyer, save yourself the money and trouble. Move on.

Regarding: "My mom thinks I should do what makes me happy."

YOUR MOM IS A VERY WISE WOMAN. It's your life, and you get to live it how you like it, with who you want.

BEST LUCK!

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A female reader, princessjasmine United States +, writes (30 March 2017):

princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes, but he's not arrogant, he's kind, he can take care of me financially, trustworthy. I just think he's trying to.o hard to be liked by me. Yesterday he wrote something about global warming that like like he copied and pasted it from the news to sound like he can talk about the world because I told him that he doesn't talk about the world. It annoyed me again. But he's driving me crazy because my father thinks I'm making a mistake. And also because my girl friends that are single are always complaining about arrogant, untrustworthy men who ghost and I don't want that in my life. I don't want to be ghosted or ignored. This guy listens and I don't feel judged at all by him. The only thing that is lacking is that we are so different. I don't think we're mentally on the same page but maybe if he doesn't try so hard and isn't so up my ads, he'll be himself more and then I can see him for what he is? He has great qualities. I just don't know how important intellectual connection is. I'm even physically attracted to him. He's cute. Idk.

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A female reader, This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal United States +, writes (28 March 2017):

This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal agony auntConfused about what? You don't like him--period end of story. Bye bye wrong guy.

Decide if you're living your life or your parents life. Then go from there.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017):

You are currently feeling like a piece of bait on a string and you despise his efforts to please you because you feel it isnt an act of love but an act of procurement.

In a way you feel as if you are part of a bargain and you are wondering if you could be just as easily won as a poker game!

I think it endearing that he denied he likes playing game of thrones because he sees it as non cultural and non romantic.

You felt like slapping him because it was the lead in you needed to being closer to reality and less ideology!

From this you may surmise that he secretly smokes, likes a drop of beer and wine, watches rugby, cricket and football and desparetly wants to portay a goodboy image for society and parents.

Dont despise him for dropping everything and running to you on the click of a finger.

Many men would.

He's showing he's keen but you know he is also portaying the goodboy image.

Check him out more.

Suggest some more mundane outings, events ,celebrations that are universally but not cultrally approved of.

He doesnt want you discarding him and telling the world "All he did was sit on his ass and play games of thrones!"

Ditto ,watch it if its a tv programme!

Invest in playstation or get him playing candy c

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHe isn't for you. And he is "making" you into a person you won't like if you keep seeing him. The whole " he is so easy to control" is not really a "Bad" trait in him but IN YOU because YOU are the one doing it. He ANNOYS you. IMAGINE being married to him?

You can like some but not want be with them. The thing is, you don't even LIKE the guy. You like that he is from your cultural background and that he is trustworthy. IS that really enough to marry on?

You parents want you to marry, don't they also want you to be happy? And I don't think YOU would be happy with this guy long term (no short term)

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (28 March 2017):

chigirl agony auntNo, this is not who you should be with. But you would benefit from looking at yourself and finding out what you actually want. It could be marriage is not for you. Are you brave enough to tell your parents this?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (28 March 2017):

Above your post is an American flag; which sometimes gives us some idea of your country of origin or residence. It doesn't expose your exact location; but it does give more of a feel of what your culture is like knowing where you're from. Some OP's post flags of a different country to throw-off detection. That's fine.

You're a 30 year-old female; and still worried about what your parents think. Just for ya-ya's, I will guess you're Asian. You feel pressured to get married, and you're asking for our permission to date and use a man you admit you can't stand.

I will most emphatically advise that you don't do such a thing! Not even under the pressure of your parents!

It's your life!

Your parents do not have any right to make any decision what you should do at 30. You're living in the 21st-century, and regardless of your culture; you are an adult. They will meddle in your life, dangle the purse-strings (if they support you financially); and ultimately drive you crazy.

You will be thrust into a marriage where you're totally unhappy. Then they will use tradition to avert and overrule your decision to divorce. They will pressure you to bring children into an unhappy marriage. Where will it end?

Unless you're from a foreign nation where females are totally oppressed or beaten if they aren't obedient; I don't know why you can't decide who you want to date, and not to marry someone you don't love.

If you still live at home, that is your problem. They will still treat you as a child. If you have brothers; they will treat you like a burden, being a female. Rushing to marry you off.

Living in your own place, gives you the independence to make your own decisions. Seek their advice and blessing once you make your own choices. I by no means would suggest that you rebel against your parents; if it will bring you harm or estrange you from your family. If you live in a liberated society, then assert your women's rights. Don't live under oppressive out-dated double-standards if you don't have to.

There's a difference between being practical and just submitting to their pressure to make your parents happy. They have their lives, they can't live yours too!

Unless you live with your father, and he is your sole financial-support; you can respectfully ignore him. Humor him and show him all the respect a father deserves; but conduct your own life as you see fit. He doesn't have to live with some irritating man who will drive you crazy.

All he's concerned about is how it looks to everybody else. Public-image and appearances to others is more important than your happiness. I mean no disrespect to either of your parents. I simply tell it like it is.

Don't see the guy if you no longer want to. Don't date men you don't like. Most importantly, do no marry a man unless you love him.

Life in a miserable marriage; while your parents sit feeling content and in full-charge, is simply hell on earth. Chances are, they were not so obedient to their own parents; but they will lead you to believe they were. How else will they maintain control over you? Just because you were born female. Show them you are a woman now.

Grow up!

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom +, writes (28 March 2017):

malvern agony auntGo with your instincts. If you don't feel right about this man then nothing is going to change. There are lots of nice pleasant people in the world but we don't necessarily have to fancy them. He clearly is not the one for you despite what your parents say. They will see him in a different way to you and they are not the ones who are spending time with him like you. Thirty is not old but your parents are obviously keen to see you settled. Do not be pushed into anything you regret or you will have a whole lifetime of unhappiness. Unfortunately he's not the one for you and you need to move on and search for somebody new.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017):

You're not right for each other. Do not continue to see him. Tell him that you can see he says things just to please you and it doesn't work, that you are both too different for a relationship. Thank him for the nice times you've had together.

He sounds a bit desperate and could be quite a creepy guy. Also, do not kiss someone if you don't want to and DO NOT KISS SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY PAID FOR AN EXPENSIVE MEAL! That is like you saying you're only worth the value of what he has spent. You decide if you want to kiss. If someone goes to kiss you then you turn away and say it is too soon.

Your mum wants you to put your happiness first, do not settle for this man who offers nothing meaningful to you.

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