A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have this friend who's really shy and awkward, she never had a boy interested in her and she's feeling pretty insecure because of it. Besides telling me all these things, she claims she doesn't want a relationshipI used to be exactly like that and we were pretty close, until I started liking this boy and dating him a couple of months agoNow she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore and I think it's because of him, but what should I do? I really like him and my friendShe was telling me how much she wanted to go out of her house and do stuff for once, and I told her our mutual friends wanted to go to a restaurant, but she said she doesn't want to go with us if my boyfriend is coming along. What should I do about this? I really like them both, it's not fair to have to choose between them, I'm doing my best to divide my time between them, but she's not seeing this. I feel like she wants all of my time and that won't happen.What should I do? How can I help her and why is she behaving like this?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Read this post for a bit of insight into how she may be feeing. I know this is a boyfriend situation and not just girl friends, but it still may help you think about what she's experiencing: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-like-my-friend-of-11-years.html
She may not like your boyfriend for some reason and doesn't want to tell you why. She may feel like extra baggage, useless and unwanted in the company of a boyfriend/girlfriend couple and just avoids that situation. She may feel comfortable with you but in larger groups, she feels really uncertain.
I would invite her to join you in larger groups, if she has done that in the past, perhaps set aside some time to spend with her each week. Keep inviting her to join you and your boyfriend and accept that she just doesn't feel comfortable yet. Eventually, she'll get used to the new 'normal' and will come around, I expect.
Good luck!
Give her time, she may come around. Just
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): She is feeling like this because she is shy and awkwark socially, and is feeling like the ugly duckling. She is jealous of your boyfriend, because before you and her were the same and now she is feeling that she is losing you to him. So in a way she is thinking she is protecting herself from feeling rejected by you replacing her (which you are not doing), when really what she is doing is creating the situation where that is going to happen. It is a hard situation for you to be in because you do feel that you always have to chose between the boyfriend you love and the friend you love. No one wants to feel like the third wheel, and maybe that is how she feels when she is with you and your boyfriend, especially if you are showing each other affection in public when she is around. Whenever my best friend or myself had a boyfriend, we made a deal to be respectful of the person who was there and single and kept our affectionate displays to a bare minimum, to avoid anyone feeling uncomfortable. It worked well for us. Talk to her and let her know that is hurting you to have to chose between spending time with her or your boyfriend and that sometimes you would like to spend time with both together, that it is important to you. Just try to not make it every time you are with her (which I am sure you wouldn't do as you are a very considerate person from your post). Other than that I can't really say why, but I do think the most likely reason maybe what I stated above. Good Luck, your a wonderful friend to this girl I hope she realises it.
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