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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Me and my bf have been together for almost two years. In the beginning it seemed as if we were perfect for each other; I could be myself around him, I let him be, and everything went great. From the beginning I knew he was jealous (asked me not to talk about my past, for that reason), and that he's one of those people that get angry and hurt easily and take their time to forgive (if he forgives...). Well, but it went along great, I was his world, he put me high in this pedestal...The problems started when he asked about my past, that involved some guys he knew... I never had a bf so the nature of my past relationships was casual, which he doesn't like. I was a virgin though, but it still made him upset that I "gave myself" so easily to others. Plus my numbers weren't so high, but it was more of a moral thing I guess.The problem is not that, it's that I lied about it a few times, because he has such a bad temper, so I feared his reactions. So I lied, then came clean, he'd break up, we'd get back together... this happened like 3 times. I find it extremely hard to be completely honest with him, and he doesn't trust me and it's always throwing it in my face, either the lying, or the things in my past that he dissaproves of. He has called me names, but then asks me to be patient and forgive him... So I forgive him and am patient, because I feel like I owe it to him.Now, my problem is, there are two things that I'm still hiding from him. I feel awful, guilty, stupid, like a coward and selfish person, because I feel like I'm fooling him when he's trying to rebuild his trust.I'm coming clean, and I know this time he'll break up with me for good. I know I deserve it... I was stupid and a coward. Trying to protect myself from the thing I feared the most is going to actually bring it in the worst scenario possible... thinking about it, it'd been better if he had broken up with me because of the things I did rather than the things I did AND the dishonesty.So my question is, how is the best way to tell him all this? (It really doesn't matter WHAT I'm hiding, what matters is that I'm STILL HIDING IT!) What should I say, how should I react, and how should I cope after this? I feel like an awful person and I'm not expecting forgiveness, so I'm just telling him everything, straight forward. He did hurt me because he was so restrictive of me, and called me names and never really encouraged me to be honest, and asked me to stop doing things because of his jealousy, but I shouldn't have been such a coward and idiot... I know I'll lose him for good, even though I love him deeply, endlessly... but I know I hurt him more, so I have to pay for my mistakes.How can I get through this the best way possible?
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male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 You have entered a bad cycle- lying is something you should never start because once you've told that first little lie you've begun the gradual process of destroying your connection with your partner. Trust me, I have lied to plenty of gfs... they all eventually found out... they could tell I wasn't being honest with them. He can probably tell that you're not being honest with him. He's hurting right now because of this, so don't worry about hurting him "more"- you probably couldn't. Just come clean, just say "I have you tell you something" and then just tell him. Be prepared for him to leave you, but don't assume that he will. He will probably get very angry, he might call you more names, he might threaten to leave... but he might eventually calm down and decide you stay with you. Don't try to justify your lying, don't try to defend yourself if he gets angry or pretend that you were lying for a justifiable reason. That will make things worse. Face the music, be patient with him, let him decide which way the relationship will go. Good luck.
A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 I'm having a hard time imagining what you did to be so sure this is your swan song and end of your relationship...
In any case - and I usually never suggest this but - if you are attempting to preserve what you have with your boyfriend, why are you feeling so compelled to "come clean" and risk it all? I mean, if you are trying to rebuild trust, it seems like doing a "tell all" would be the total end of the trust you've gained back. So, what I never recommend to anyone is that you keep this to yourself and don't confess anything. Like I said, I'm a big advocate for open communication so it's odd for me to say that. I also suppose that it's a balance between coming clean (and clearing your conscience?) or maintaining a relationship while hiding an explosive topic.
Of course, you could hold onto it a bit longer and sometime down the road when you're a little more sure of your solidarity together, you could confess then. But overall, it's that jealousy issue he's got that makes me wonder if he's worth it at all. I mean, do you really want to spend the rest of your relationship walking on egg shells because something you once said is/might come back to haunt you? I've been there - it sucks! I don't recommend it to anyone.
Good luck...
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