A
female
age
36-40,
*anaajb2000
writes:This is my first time to get sme advice, suggestions or ideas.I have a troubled relationship in which has a long story behind it.My boyfriend and i are deaf. I grew up with the public so i have alot of experience with hearing people and i know what is polite or what is impolite. My boyfriend grew up completely in the opposite world. He grew up with the deaf community/schools. He rather doesn't know how to be polite or is not usually aware that he is being impolite.He would disagree with me using that fact that he is blunt, egomaniac and a "redneck".I met him at RIT college my second year, in the very beginning of the year. He thought i was very idiotic when he first saw me my first year. I didn't see him my first year. I love to laugh and enjoy life. He thought i was stupid to laugh at some childish games.My second year, i went up to him and asked if he was a bodybuilder. I was attracted to the fact that he was muscular. Then he was attracted to me because i was muscular and a bodybuilder also. For a few months we never had any fights or anything against each other. I did have a hard time understanding his sign language at the time but i didn't tell him to slow down or repeat. i just tried to understand it all.When the relationship started to break apart, i made the biggest mistake of all. He heard some rumors from friends that i slept with some men at college. My biggest mistake was, i denied a few because i was not proud of what happened with them before i met my boyfriend. these relationships occurred in my first year. He was very violent for months, spoke cruel words that made my self esteem sink way below the sea. I was in the stage of deep depression and failed my last 2 quarters of my second year in college. Then we satarted to just be friends because we still cared about each other. I told him what happened with the other relationships i had previously. Unfortunately, i cannot remember anything at all. When my boyfriend talks to these men, (the deaf world is SMALL, i mean veryy small), they told him really negative things about me and he started to believe them. It hurt alot when he wouldn't believe me. I just didn't remember at all because they were awful in my past and i wanted to erase them from my memories. AND i did. But he is the type of person who must have his partner know everything and be honest to him. I understand the honesty part, i learned my lesson after i lied to him 3 times. But i just couldn't remember the stories/events that have happened in the past. IT just wasn't important to me. it was important to him.After i had lied to him 2 times, (ill explain the 3rd one later), I accepted his punishment and broke up with him again. He was furious that i dumped him immediately and he went to a party. i joined him later. That night he left me outside drunk near the woods and ran off with a girl that he tried to manipulate me into believing him that he likes the girl. i was wrong, he did like the girl. He spent the night at her dorm and had sex with her. I declared that he cheated on me, but after a while he made a point that i dumped him and he wasnt cheating. But it hurt so much that he didn't care about me and just left me outside where people could've raped me. I woke up and ran in shorts and tank top in the middle of the winter for 2 miles, i busted him with his car parked at the dorms. so i went to the dorm of the girl. He opened the door and he was filled with regret. He took me to the men's bathroom right next to her dorm. He poured his heart out and says he loves me, doesn't want anyone else. i will never forget that night!Then we tried to work things out. We had the best summer and best 4 months until I lied one more time about a rape situation with a guy. i had a bad experience with him. It wasn't rape but the guy exceptionally forced me into having sex with him and i gave in. I let him. my boyfriend was soo upset that i lied again. so he never believed me anymore or trusted my words. I flunked school for a whole year to make us work things out. over the year, things just got worse and worse. He started to hit me, verbally abuse me, make me feel inferior, worthless, like a piece of shit, etc. There are far much worse words he has used but i wont mention them. Even though things got worse, i tried my best to be sure i explained to him that he cannot expect me to be respectful completely after what we went through. I lied 3 times yes but he already punished me and i had enough! Hitting me, and making me inferior and shit like that is not right. I do blame myself all of this because I STARTED this. I lied once and it led to a whole 2 years of the relationship to abuse and despair. Now he is just confusing me and i am having anxiety attacks. Im stressed and really feel like i hate myself. i havent been to school for a year. i have no car, no job, nothing. When my boyfriend graduated, he asked me to move with him to texas. i agreed to and i did at one point felt like i shouldnt go but i went instead. Things were just worse. He started to not care about me anymore.He started to confess when he is drunk that he prefers latina girls but still loves me. He prefers to be best friends instead of gf/bf. He tells me that he is fed up with spending money on me and giving attention. I do understand that money is a common issue and i'm doing better with the money issue. however, it was a problem because i was eating his food, not cleaning up as much, etc. I was pregnant at once so i could not really have the mood to clean for 3 months. Finally i had an abortion and i was able to make things a little better. but he just believes that we are not gonna work out. He gives me kisses and wants to have sex and calls me sweetie, baby, etc. but he's confusing me.i dont want a guy who prefers latina because i am white. i feel like why is he wasting my time!? he thinks i bullshit all the time. He thinks im a waste of his time.this is only a small part of a whole long story, it's to give a idea how our relationship was. Now we are just friends but i am still living with him.now i feel like i cant succeed because i cant get a transcript to get into college. I can't get the same boyfriend i met 2 years ago. i can't find a job. I can't do this and do that. Im such a failure, that's how i feel.Should i move on? Get out and be with my family in NY? what should i do? Is he the worst kind of person to be with?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): a few issues here.firstly, the physical abuse has to stop. his mental and emotional abuse has to stop. NOW. move out and on with your life. you deserve better. nobody deserves to be abused. lets look at the other issues. your bf is wrong to abuse you for your lies. but lets unpack thise lies. i think you realised when you started going out with him that HONESTY AND HE TRUTH was of paramount importance to him. you betrayed this trust and you lied continously. you also humiliated him ( or those other guys you slept with did) by not telling the entire truth. he had to find out things about your past from your ex lovers. this is unforgiveable. the other things you could not remember come on - you may have deliberately blocked them out but by choosing not to come clean with him, you just compunded your lies in the forst place. it meant that you were untrustworty. you may no see these half truths as important in your lives but we owe our partners honesty and complete stories, not sections of the truth. by him finding out in the manner that he did, it meant that you were a liar and that you could not be trusted. how was he before he "discovered" the truth. affectionate towards you, perhaps even loving. you see the half truths (lies actually) is something that he just cannot get over. yes he "loves" you but because he is hurt and humiliated himself, he wants to do the same to you. he will not get over your lies. he will not be able to trust you. you see you betrayed his trust and he will not forgive you. men are indeed strange creatures. they do not forgive easily. they actually remember everything, and they throw it in your face all the time. this is exactly what he is doing. you stayed with him and did not clean the house for 3 months. a bit extreme isn't it. pregnancy is a condition, not a sickness. perhaps you had gotten to a stage where you just did not care anymore therefore you decided to be sloppy. this was wrong. the least you could do is provide a homely home when he came back from work. instead he came back to a pigsty? he is the only one working so it is expected that the partner at home will be somewhat considerate of his feelings. he may have felt that you took him for granted. this man does love you, he took you in even when you have not contributed a cent to your welfare. but this love is destructive. he just cannot and will not forget your betrayal/lies. therefore he demeans you and he devalues you. this "love" for you is all consuming, he wants to get back at you for hurting him. yes leave him but try to understand why his behaviour has amounted to this. advise him to seek counselling to get our the rage and the hurt and anything else he is feeling towards you. i think he too needs to move on and to heal. yes, you both need to heal. him as the abuser and you as the abused. regarding your education- please do not blame anyone for this. i am hard i know. you need to take sole responsibility for this. you need to re prioritise your life and studies and start working towards a better life. so you have wasted some time but get back into it. stop procrastinating and stop looking for excuses. in the end you can have your studies to fall back on. you need to work towards becoming financially stable as well. i am not condoning your bf's behaviour. it is totally wrong. but all i am saying is this, how have you contributed to all this. you need to find it in yourself to end this relationship. it is destructive. but learn one thing going forward. you need to start speaking the thuth. your lies and half truths must stop. honesty and the truth is the core of every relationship. if you are not honest how the hell do you expect to have a sustainable relationship. your next relationship should not have these elements of distrust. the "events" that you have not disclosed has damaged your bf. this nondisclosure has also damaged you. you see in the end you both lost out on what could have been a good relationship. you both demeaned each other and you both need to slowly heal. this healing can only take place once you both go your seperate ways. then you both can become the people you aspire to be. you both have hurt each other too much and there is no going back. finanlly, i just want to say this- no one has the right to treat us like dirt. our low self esteem and our insecurities only add to fuel a situation. so, hepl yourself, and become the person yuo aspire to be. just without the drama and without the lies.
A
female
reader, Manaajb2000 +, writes (11 August 2009):
Manaajb2000 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, this sounds exactly what i thought and should've done a long time ago. Thanks
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 August 2009):
 GO be with your parents please. Youve wasted to mutch time with this guy you need to get your life back on track and hes not going to help you. your with him becuse you want sense of purpose not becuse he makes you happy.
Your a young woman you still have time to turn your life around go be with people that care for you and will support you emotionally. This man has been hitting you and your still with him even if you love him hes not good for you.
You have just this one life to make your dreams come true im sure this isnt apart of your plan.
This guy will not change most people dont even if he doers its to late you need look out for your self now.
I hope you go to ny be with your family and go finish school.
follow up so I kno how things are working out
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