A
male
age
41-50,
*ermyt
writes:Recently I have been the one having the affair and it lasted 2 and a half years. The person in question is 15 years younger than me. She asked me so many times to leave my partner and child. I was unhappy at home but found it very difficult to leave because of my child.Eventually I did. Now the affair woman (lets call her ELF) has decided she no longer wants it. She has been having doubts in the last month, not two and half years, about having a relationship with a older man, doubts about a relationship with someone who has a child. She has met my child on numerous occasions, my little one is now actually saying her name. So I gave her everything and she has thrown it back in my face.She will not reply to calls, emails, texts. I have received calls of her family members (father) telling me to stay away. She was always afraid of telling her parents as she thought they would be disappointed, she is early 20's. We had planned marriage, children, living together everything. Even a month before it ended she was telling me how excited she was about it all. Now she has gone all cold turkey and will not speak to me leaving me alone with the mess to clean up which she helped create.What to do???????????!!!!!!!!!
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male
reader, Kermyt +, writes (16 June 2011):
Kermyt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys are right, Kharma swings in roundabouts.
But in my small little betrayal world of defence, i did leave my girlfriend 2 1/2 years ago i only returned hom 2 weeks later when she phoned to say she was pregnant.
I should have killed the affair their and then. But me and ELF were so good together. It tore my heart out to leave my little girl but home wasn't a happy place. Yes i suggested counselling for me and my gf but she didnt want to air her private life to a stranger. She even said many times you only came back because of the little one. I didnt want to raise a child with bickering parents.
I told gf everything, by the way, before leaving her as this is what ELF always wanted. So going back grovelling with tail between the legs is out the question.
I see my little girl 2-3 times a week and i have a good relationship with the ex but ELF has just deleted me from her life. ELF constantly asked when are we going to be together. It was what we both wanted.
You learn by these mistakes. My little girl hasnt noticed much as i tend to stay at work 3-4 (genuine work stuff, hotelier) nights a week anyhow so it hasnt affected her. She is a little joy, words are now coming out of her mouth. She's a true blessing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): I am 21 so I can tell you she got a thrill out of having control of you, out of being able to steal a man from his wife and child. Now the real truth has hit, she realises you done it and she has to have a proper relationship with you and I bet she is thinking"At my age should I really have to deal with an older man baggage. With an ex wife and child?" She got freaked and so ran. I wouldn't blame her as if it wasn't her you had the affair with, would been someone else so don't feel bad for leaving your wife, you did the right thing by her. Your ex deserves a man who really loves her.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 i'm not trying to be an asshole, but karma's a bitch. you cheated on your wife for that long and now it came back and kicked you in the ass when you least expected it.
my advice to you is to learn from this awful mistake. learn to be a better person.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 June 2011):
 Like I always say, Karma's a high riding bitch and she just took you for a ride Buddy. What to do??? Get on with your life and try to be a great father and role model to/for your little one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): I'd say it's a simple case of being careful what you wish for. She may have wanted you to leave your partner and child for her but once you did realisation must have dawned on her. A man that can leave his partner and child for another woman regardless of the hurt he's causing is simply not worth giving your heart to... if you've done it once what's to say you won't do it again?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 June 2011):
 Wait, let me get this straight. You are upset at someone who made a pseudo committment to you, made plans for the future...because they had second thoughts and left you?
Kettle meet Pot. Pot meet Kettle. I believe you have the same surname of BLACK.
Usually in the case of a younger woman backing out of a relationship with an older man, I might comment that she lacks maturity (to be expected with someone in their early 20's! They have not fully "become" yet.)
In your case, I would say that SHE showed maturity and saw who you were. If you could leave your marriage and child-then you could do it to anyone if you were unhappy.
If you could cheat WITH her, you could cheat ON her.
Sorry, no sympathy here. Run Elf RUN!
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A
female
reader, Little Miss Love +, writes (15 June 2011):
 she is probably just realized what she has got herself into, most people will want what they cant have it but once they have it they dont want it any more. your best to leave her for a bit and if you do get intouch with her just give her reason to like you back again. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Theres not alot you can do - maybe this young lady just liked the excitement and challenge of nicking somebodys husband - who knows, she has clearly changed her mind so forget her
Yes she did help create the mess your in but ultimately its your mess and theres a child involved - and I cant believe you introduced your child to this other woman/girl
All you can do is learn from this, help your child through the break up of their parents and get on with life as a single man - older n wiser.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): 'The mess that she helped to create'??! First of all, you can't blame this woman for the mess you've made of your own life. You chose to have an affair, you chose to leave your wife for her. You need to take sole responsibility for those actions. I do feel for you, because it sounds like you left the relationship in good faith. However, there is never any guarantee that a new relationship will work. Just because you left your wife for this woman does not mean that she owes you any more than an ordinary girlfriend would, and she absolutely still has the right to make a unilateral decision to end things if she doesn't think they are working. Having an affair is very different from living with someone. You say you gave this woman everything - but what it sounds like you've really done is to lumber here with a load of responsibility - for you and your kid - that she didn't have previously. Have you thought that maybe she doesn't feel ready to be a stepmother to your child? She is 15 years younger than you - which makes her really very young to make a commitment like marriage, let alone parenthood! Honestly, it sounds to me as though you've wandered into an absolute cliche: you're the bored, mid 30s guy who abandons his wife for the young secretary, who seems just so vibrant and full of life... but is actually still just a kid herself. It sounds as though she's gone beyond having doubts and made a decision. If her family are having to tell you to back off, I guarantee you that you have gone too far and are in stalker territory. You need to respect her wishes: if she wants to be left alone, you need to stop emailing and calling. At the bottom of that, you need to face the fact that there's a real cowardice and immaturity on your part too: instead of talking through issues with your wife, and either ending things or going into couples therapy, you chose to go behind her back and screw someone else. I'm sorry if I do you an injustice, but you sound like the kind of man for whom it's always the woman's fault. How did you rationalize the affair? Your wife wasn't hot enough in bed, didn't want sex often enough, didn't flatter your ego enough - I'm sure you found a way of making it her fault! Similarly, now your mistress has rejected you, you're acting hard done by, and asking how dare she treat you like this! It sounds like you're always the victim, never the perpetrator. Look at it through another lens: you cheated on one woman and are stalking another woman and making demands that she gives up her youth to take care of your kid!
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A
female
reader, belize +, writes (15 June 2011):
 The best thing to do is give her some space... It wont be easy but I think now that you have finally left your partner, and everything is out in 'open'. The penny has dropped.
Her family might be telling her that 15 years is a big age difference, and now is unsure of the relationship.
I think if she really loves you, she will come back to you. She may need time to work things out for herself.
I know it sounds hard, but at this stage if she's not talking to you, you best step back for a while. I hope you find peace of mind in the mean time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Well at least your wife has a chance to finally get on with her life.As for you, isn't it funny when a mistress pressurizes a married man to leave his wife and when he finally does, she ducks!Your mistress is 15 years younger, why would she want to be saddled with a much older man? Not a good reception to your new status, but at least now you know u left your wife and kid for nothing.Sometimes women love married men bec of the excitement, they don't have to work the relationship like normal couples and they still get to lead "full" lives. The moment the affair tries to become somewhat more, these women panic and then realise that the illicitness and excitement was slowly changing to "normal" and some cannot handle normal. Your lover just proved to be one of them!LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Its simple. She wanted what she couldnt have and now that she can have you its no longer thrilling. But what did you expect shes half your age. Shes just a kid. Plenty of young girls do this they think its what they want it becomes a reality and bam they r gone. I think you need to move on. I think your wife is better off without you if thats the kind of person you are. And how dare u accuse your mistriss of helping to create this mess. You are the adult. You got ur self into this mess. You made your bed now you have to lie in it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): This girl isn't mature enough to handle a relationship, she has played a game with you without thinking about the consequences. What a selfish nasty homewrecker she is!
Give up on her, she isn't worth it and shouldn't have been worth losing your wife and child for. Is there anyway you can make one last go of it with your wife? Grovel, send flowers, tell her you were unhappy and youde like to fix things for the sake of your child.
Best not to tell her what happened with your lover though. Learn from this- you played with fire and got burnt. Its not too late to fix things, make things right for your wife and daughter aswell as yourself.
Give up altogether on the younger partner, she shouldn't be under dadys thumb at her age! Kalma will hit her at some point.
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