A
female
age
41-50,
*inkerbell8231975
writes:Ive been married for 11 years and it hasn't been a perfect marriage by no means. He has been abusive and neglected me. He always did things with his friends and never with me and it got very lonely. I meet a man at work and felt an instant connection with him. He and I began talking and flirting with one another which eventually progressed to a sexual relationship. He lived in another city a d would stay late everyday to spend time with me. I would stay with him on the nights he was in town for call. He would talk to me every chance he could. I remember the day he told me he was in love with me. I loved him too! We made plans to be together. In december 2009 both of our spouses found out about our relationship. He ended it which only lasted a week. He called me telling me that he loves me and doesn't want to be without me. Our relationship continued. He said he couldn't leave bc of the kids. His wife is very overbearing and controlling. She was this way before. My husband and I have separated and he actually started dating someone else. My husband has threatened divorce but hasn't done anything. Me and my boyfriend have been caught multiple times over the past 3year years but he refuses to let me go. He said he loves me and wants to be with me. He said he is happiest when he is with me. I love him with all my heart! I know he feels the same and it's not just a sexual relationship. We are happy just talking and holding each other. We talk about everything. What do I do? I want to be able to openly be with him. How can I make this happen? I know the fact we are both married isn't right but you can't tell your heart who to love.
View related questions:
at work, divorce, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (7 July 2011):
So_Very_Confused is exactly right. If this guy was going to leave his wife for you he would have done it already. He hasn't, and he's never going to. If he were truly as in love as you believe, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from divorcing his wife just to be with you.
Put simply, actions speak louder than words. You have to look at this man's actions - or more specifically the LACK of action - to see his true intention. He's still living with his wife, and seeing you on the side. That says it all.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 July 2011):
 I left my husband for another man and it had NOTHING TO do with sex.... in fact, sex with my husband was better than sex with my current partner on some levels...
relationships are not all about sex... it's part of a relationship but not the reason for it.
why did i seek a relationship outside of my marriage? (with my husband's knowledge btw) because I needed that mental stimulation... my man was the brain candy I needed... and yet I still ended a marriage for it less than 6 months into the affair... I just knew that being with my "man on the side" was what i wanted full time....
all I'm saying is that do not live your life waiting for a man to leave his wife... if he was leaving he would have done it within the first year...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): All he has to do is pack his bags and walk, his wife can't be home 24/7 surely.
Then he can start divorce proceedings and access re his children.
He hasn't done this has he?
Your ex probably thinks you will return home as your lover isn't with you.He's just waiting for you to come to your senses.
Stop deluding yourself before you waste more prescious years - before you cause more heartbreak for everyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, tinkerbell8231975 +, writes (7 July 2011):
tinkerbell8231975 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all for ur advice. I understand what everyone is saying. I know it seems like im just his piece on the side but I don't feel its that way. He is happy to just be with me without sex. We can talk about anything with each other. I don't believe things because he says it either. I know the wife is controlling bc I have heard it myself before we ever got busted. I think the wife stays with him just so he doesn't come to me. She knows he loves me. She has said it. I've told him it can't continue like this forever. He truly is the love of my life. I filed for divorce but my husband keeps blocking everything and I don't know why. He tells me to move on but then he goes off when he finds out anything about and my lover. Im confused.
...............................
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (6 July 2011):
To answer your questions:
"How do I make this happen?" You CANNOT! Period. End of story. Nobody can make someone else do ANYTHING. If this guy is going to leave his wife for you, he will have to make that decision on his own. The absolute most you can do is make the ultimatum - her or me - and break contact with him. That will force the issue.
Be forewarned, though. If this guy was going to leave his wife, he would have already done it! My ex-wife has a similar story to yours. Her and her lover (who she also met at work) got busted having an affair. I divorced her, so now she's single and wants to be with the other guy. You know what? He didn't divorce his wife, she forgave him. Years later my ex is now his mistress... being fed the same line you are. It'll never change.
"What do I do?" - move on. Seriously. You've already destroyed one marriage. Do the right thing now, file for a divorce. Your husband is obviously ready to move on since he's out dating. You should begin to clean up this mess, let it go through the court system and get a formal custody arrangement for the sake of your children.
After that, cut ties with your married coworker. Then take some time for yourself, to rediscover who you are... what you want. Then you'll be ready to date again and can begin a new relationship on the right foot.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 July 2011):
I agree with everyone else.. sadly for you he's not going to leave his wife. IF was has he would have already.
You need to get on with your divorce and your life and meeting someone who is actually available to you on on levels that you can trust... I mean how can you trust a man that cheats on his wife?
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 You cant force him to leave his wife I'm afraid, and the line "I cant leave because of the kids" is the oldest in the book. If he was really so unhappy with his wife, or loved you that much - he would leave, simple as that. There are millions of people with kids who get divorced, yes it is not ideal for the kids but they cope, and he will be well aware of this - saying he cant leave because of the kids is just a simple excuse to keep you sweet while he gets to stay at home with the wife.
I'm not trying to say that he is using you for sex, and I'm not trying to say that he doesnt love you - he might love you in some way - but that love is not strong enough to make him leave, which shows that the love you have for him is far stronger than his feelings for you.
I think all you can do now unfortunately is issue him an ultimatum - tell him you held up your end of the bargain and you left your husband, now he has to leave his wife for good otherwise you are gone for good. At the moment he thinks he can be with you, keeping you sweet by telling you what you want to hear, all the while probably telling his wife at home that he is going to end it with you and he loves her, and wants to be a family. He is playing both of you - so he needs to make his choice once and for all.
If he says he will leave her but doesnt follow through again, then you have to walk away. I know it will be hard, but you cannot waste your time with a man that has no intention of leaving his wife. Otherwise this affair will just go on and on for years, and you will never have him all to yourself like you want. It will just end up hurting you in the long run, so you need to be prepared to call it a day if he wont leave his wife for you. Surely you dont want to be the other woman forever, so you are going to have to be prepared to walk away from him.
And try and start divorce proceedings with your husband, it is not good to stay married when both of you are with other people. Finalise your seperation and then you can move on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): No you can't tell your heart who to love, but you both went into this knowing you were married - you weren't in love then, just lonely or unhappy and he made the most of that.
When your marriage is unhappy you try to sort it out - if you can't you leave and start a new life alone - you thought you had found an escape route - another man to go to. You haven't
Your just his bit on the side - his long suffering wife is the one I don't understand!
To me he is never going to leave her, why would he, he's got you both on a string, 2 women mad enough to let him do as he pleases.
Personally I wouldn't even want a man who behaves this way, who cannot be trusted.
He isn't thinking of his children - only his own selfish needs.
...............................
|
