A
male
age
30-35,
*ax1r
writes:This is the backstory to the question. My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost 2 years. We love each other very much. We have a stunning amount in common and a very powerful connection ie ( knowing what each other is thinking) calling at the same times etc.) We both agree that there is no one more physically appealing to us than each other. I think it is important to state not nearly out of arrogance but as context, that I am an attractive and intelligent 20 year old. I have many friends and many girls want to be with me. Despite these things I love this girl with all my heart and have stuck by her. PainfullyWe are and have been in a long distance relationship since the beginning of the relationship. We met when I was home for a monthlong break from college, while she was still in her last year of high school, and it was love at first sight. In the beginning the relationship was both very physical and very emotional. I was her first btw. The longer it went on however the less physical it got. Part of the problem is that I have a large one, and she is small. We can do it every time, but it is just a bit painful for her sometimes. Anyway. Getting close to the actual questionOver the course of our relationship we have had a wide array of problems in what was otherwise a paradise. One of these issues stemmed from her upbringing. We are both very intelligent people. I attended the best specialized public schools, while she attended one of the best private schools in manhattan. This first issue was purely cultural. She had a great many friends that helped to make up this fassad of a person. She wanted to appear "good" whatever that means. These people, many of them friends from early childhood were prejudiced against public schools. something minor such as me swearing or telling the truth in a supposedly unorthodox fashion would become a large issue. We almost broke up over this, but she came to her senses of what was real and what wasn't. She remembered that she loved me and after graduating high school, had no real connection to those people of her past. It was a very disconcerting time nonetheless.The second issue was sexual. I was completely faithful to her in my 5 1/2 months at school. Therefore my only sexual activity was limited to the 2 short breaks that we had before the summer. After the second break, (a very difficult separation) there was a problem. She believed she was pregnant. She is on the pill and consistently gets her period once a month. The earliest day is thursday the latest is tuesday. On friday she told me she was worried. I told her It would be ok, and that i was with her. No to worry until it was actually a problem, she had a few days to go. On saturday she had still not gotten her period( remember tuesday is the latest) She started to get very upset and say drastic things. I told her not to get excited until tuesday. That it wasnt worth getting upset over until she was sure ot would be a problem. I also told her truthfully that I would be there with her no matter what, That I loved her and We could tackle any problem :together. She got extremely upset and told me that I didnt understand. The next day , sunday she told me that if she was preg. she would never be able to see me again.interjection:Before this it was a fairy tale. We had talked before about getting married , and it was perfect. I was so in love that i hadnt so much as looked at another girl, a first for me. and nothing was unconquerable. We were invincible.back to the story. I implored her. I brought up that i thought we would always be together. That i loved her more than anything. That to lose her would be to lose my life. That we could do it together no matter what. We could make it. She refused. breaking my heart in the process.the next day (monday) she got her period. just as I had expected. We use condoms and birth control. The odds were near impossible.This was a month before I got back to see her. over that month we basically made up.When i got home. I was so overjoyed to see her that i could have died.I jhad not had sex for 5 weeks. Unfortunately she had her period when I got back. so 6 weeks. hen it was over. She would not have sex with me. everything else was normal, but she just wouldnt. week 7 LIstarted getting desperate. I started initiating a lot, asking about it. She just would do it. Finally week 8 she sort of gave in and we had sex. We saw each other every day that summer. On average we had sex on 2 once every other week. The real problem started towards the end of the summer. We were in her room fooling around one night. It had been about 2 weeks. We had been drinking wine and I was incredibly horny. Everything that usually happened before we had sex had happened. and she was acting like it was going to go down. We fooled around a bit but then she said that that was all she wanted. I couldnt believe it. I had taken her out to a $60 dollar dinner. done whatever she had wanted to do thatnight. bought us a $20 dollar bottle of wine and here we were. after 8 months not going to have sex in her room at 11pm on a saturday. I basically begged. We started doing it and it hurt her a bit. Because Im big, and because she wasn't that horny. We were going for about 2 minutes and it was feeling so amazing when she said she wanted to stop. I knew she wasnt going ot finish me off, and I had a 20 min walk and hour train ride ahead of me at 12 30 pm. So i asked if we could just go a bit more I was almost done. She said ok. I kept going. about a minute later she said whe wanted to stop. Reluctantly i agreed. I apologized deeply as well right afterWe had a similar situation about 2 weeks later when I basically begged again and we did it. She wasnt into it, and I felt sick for it, but I couldnt help it. I was sex starved, and she was leading me on. Fast forward. she had her first year of college. I t was taxing. she payed hardly any attention to me. we exchanged letters, but I was extremely paranoid. I had also started to cheat on her. I couldnt handle it anymore, and I didnt want to hurt her. I love her So much. I thought that if i fucked other girls I wouldnt bother her, and maybe we could fix our issues in the future. We had a lot of problems that year , and finally in april 2009 I suedo broke up with her, on the premise that we might get back together in the summer. Here is the final specific issue. When we started talking again in the summer things went well. We had good conversations and fun times. One night we were in her room,l; the same room. and she broke down crying. She told me that i had hurt her. She said that the times i described were rape. That they were unconsentual and that i had deeply hurt her. I tried to explain that she had consented and in fact led me on. that it is very fucked up to expect a guy to stop if you wont do anything about it. She wouldnt budge. again. I really love this girl, and I couldnt beleive what I was hearing. I am not a rapist. I think rape is pathetic and horrid concept . She said the only way to move past was for me to admit it and try to work through it. I admitted it like signing a false confession, and attempted to move on. the summer was ok but I still had a lot of trouble falling back in love with her. and she was having trouble moving past the issue. We went back to school this fall. We have been having the same issues. She has time to eat lunch with a friend for an hour, but at the ned of the day she seldom has 5 or ten minutes to talk to me. The one to whom she is supposedly committed. When i visited in october we had issues and she said that when i got upset it reminded her of the "rape". She is capable of extreme manipulation and Im sure whether or not she is using this as a control tactic. In any case, I cant stand to write any more. Here are my questions.1) Any thoughts on the situation?2)Is that rape?3) Am I in the wrong for wanted to talk to my beloved who i see a week at month at best everyday for 5-10 minutes?4) Why am i so inlove with this person, am I a subconscious masochist or something. 5) finally. are we we just having stupid issues because we're going about this all wrong, or are we fundamentally flawed?6 ) anything i didnt think of please . Im so desperate. I feel that my world is crumbling here, and I dont know what to do. I feel that i cant live without her. But I can no longer live with her. I feel that she is a constant tease before my eyes. Like the sex issue for everything. Im so lost. Thank you to all who read this.
View related questions:
broke up, condom, get back together, her past, horny, long distance, move on, period, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ravenxx91  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 Ok here comes the answer from the rather blunt 18 year old who acts like shes 40.
Ok im simple terms. Your in love with her. She knows that, so she uses that. She also gained ammo when you falsy admitted. (That was a mistake wasn't it)
Its hard, when you love someone, to leave them. But now its time to think outside the box.
Why didnt she like sex? Could it be past problems (if you dont know are you so sure about that amazing connection?)
Or maybe (and this is a common sign) she was cheating while you were away. Just think about that.
Look at this relationship 5 years down the line, when college is over and you both decide/she manipulates you to move in together. Everything has to go her way, you may get a suggestion in but from what you have desribed, what has happened can get risky...What if she just gets in a mood, everytime it would be like "remember what you ADMITTED to five years ago" She can use that against you forever.
Basically. I cant see a future here, too much has passed under the bridge, you've cheated on here, shes possibly cheated on you, this cant be going anywhere, seriously...
Anyway thats my advice. Leave her and get the word "DOORMAT" ironed out from your forhead. If you think it will hurt now imagine how hurt you would be in a prison cell just because of an arguement over something like peanut butter. (seriously it could get to that)
Goodluck anyway, im here for an honest chat if you need me x
Raven x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I have to stand up for her a little bit. I'm not agreeing with what she has done, but i can sort of see her point of view.
I was in a similar situation where he thought it was fine to shove it in me while i was sleeping. I'm ok with that as long as he uses protection, but he didn't. So i was terrified of being pregnant. I love him more than anything in the world, but while i was having that fear i didn't feel close to him, i didn't want sex and after when i found it was fine, i didn't want sex for a good few weeks or month after. It was the fright of the consequence. It could be the same with her. Although i think it was selfish of her not to talk to you about it and play games as she did.
There have also been times where he has wanted it badly and i would let him and it would hurt painfully also and ask him to stop and let him go back (although he would never beg, but i know what it must be like for a guy). I would never ever call this rape. But there have been times where i've just had to talk to him about how it genuinely hurts when he does it and try to help me a bit. He bought lubricant which helped for a bit. I seemed to have a dry spell as far as my sexual appitite went. We got past that also and everything is fine now. But what i'm trying to say is maybe she needs to open up to you more. You need to talk about feelings first. (not you, you seem to do just fine, she is a problem).
IF it IS JUST a lack of communication then your relationship MAY be saved. but if she is intentionally playing games with you, then yes you should leave her. It is all in your personal judgement. I wouldn't take everything so seriously to what people answer here. Just because the majority think something doesn't mean it's right. We all thought the world was flat once didn't we?
I'm just saying, you know her best and should be able to judge her character better than any of us could. There are always two sides to a story.
I hope this helps.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/question/boyfriend-raping-girlfriend
You may find this little article about a scenario interesting.
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (23 October 2009):
 Once again if you actually read my response you would know I am in agreement with you as far as this toxic woman.I questioned the poster's intellect in acceptance to admitting in principle to her that he raped her when clearly he didn't. That could come back to haunt him if in fact he does not leave her now and continues this relationship. Nothing is so bad than to have someone who is upset over something decide to go to the cops for something they didn't do. It may happen in any case, but it is not in this guy's best interest to still see her and then go out with other women. especially with the frame of mind this female acts withinWould any of you admit to something like that? Under any circumstance? I would have left immediately. My problem with this is anyone who would say go out and cheat. He should have nothing to do with her and then do whatever he wants. To remain in a relationship with her and then cheat on her is only going to fuel her desire for some sort of revenge if she finds out. And this whole thing that happened in the hotel room is a real good way for this guy to get in trouble for nothing.That was my point.The only thing I proclaim is to tell it straight, and not bullshit people or sugarcoat answers around here which you know I will never do and I have no regrets about speaking my mind. If you want to proclaim me a punisher of cheaters go ahead. I am consistent in my opinions regardless. He can do whatever he wants but if he continues in the relationship and screws around he is making it harder on himself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): Long distance relationships do not work and this has always been a long distance relationship.
You described it as a fairytale and I would have to agree.
You describe an incredible connection as one in which you called each other at the same time of day as if you were somehow of one mind. What a bunch of horse apples (manure).
There is a danger in believing you have this type of strong connection because what it indicates is you have some strong emotions that are clouding your view of reality. You are projecting your own desires and putting this girl up on a pedestal and ignoring the glaring red flags in this relationship and of who she is.
You think she thinks she is too good for you and she is not interested in having sex with you, you can say it is because of your size, but a vagina accommodates to fit whatever is inserted in there unless your length and girth far exceed hers you were able to have sex without her agonizing in pain. She simply did not want to be intimate with you.
I agree this relationship is over. She has accused you of raping her. What normal woman believing that would ever want to have anything to do with you again? She wouldn't. She either doesn't understand what rape is or she is putting herself back up on that pedestal of yours and intends to hold onto her position forever to have power over you and this relationship.
Get out now. Don't let your love goggles fool you any longer. This was never a relationship of equals or of two connected people, it was all mere fairytale and she has called the troll out from under the bridge.
Don't be stupid, end things with her without explanation, you do not owe her one.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): OP...In no way shape or form am I about to call you a rapist. If her accusation is totally unfounded, then everything Gerta and Oldersister have said about her is spot-on. So let's deal with the facts as you've presented them... 'I jhad not had sex for 5 weeks. Unfortunately she had her period when I got back. so 6 weeks. hen it was over. She would not have sex with me. everything else was normal, but she just wouldnt. week 7 LIstarted getting desperate. I started initiating a lot, asking about it. She just would do it. Finally week 8 she sort of gave in and we had sex.' Not trying to cross-examine you, but 'she sort of gave in' sounds sufficiently ambiguous to be seized on by a skilled lawyer if this girl was ever inclined to actually file rape charges. I am NOT trying to scare you or imply that anything occurred that could remotely be described as rape. I'm just curious as to what you meant by 'sort of'. As a prosecution lawyer would be. This is what you MAY find yourself up against. The hypothetical lawyer in question would also have a field day with your written testimony that:- 'We had been drinking wine and I was incredibly horny. Everything that usually happened before we had sex had happened. and she was acting like it was going to go down. We fooled around a bit but then she said that that was all she wanted. I couldnt believe it. I had taken her out to a $60 dollar dinner. done whatever she had wanted to do thatnight. bought us a $20 dollar bottle of wine and here we were. after 8 months not going to have sex in her room at 11pm on a saturday. I basically begged. We started doing it and it hurt her a bit. Because Im big, and because she wasn't that horny. We were going for about 2 minutes and it was feeling so amazing when she said she wanted to stop. I knew she wasnt going ot finish me off, and I had a 20 min walk and hour train ride ahead of me at 12 30 pm. So i asked if we could just go a bit more I was almost done. She said ok. I kept going. about a minute later she said whe wanted to stop. Reluctantly i agreed.' If she wasn't horny and didn't want sex, you had zero right to demand it, no matter how horny you were or how much money you'd spent on the dinner and the wine. This woman isn't/wasn't your property or your sex slave. The words 'she was leading me on' have almost certainly sealed the judicial fate of many defendants in the past. It may indeed be that Oldersister's 'You demonstrated a lot of self control while she teased you and pulled the plug last minute' is an entirely accurate account of what went on, but the question of what happened after she 'pulled the plug' is the one that the jury would be chiefly interested in. Again, I'm NOT alleging that you raped her, and I have no doubts that there are people out there who would be prepared to make false allegations. So, either you did or you didn't. Assuming as we must that you didn't, and that this was in no way a rape, it means that you have a 'girlfriend' who's not into having sex with you, who is prepared to falsely accuse you of the most serious criminal offence in the book short of murder, and who you state is 'capable of extreme manipulation'. In either case, the relationship is VERY DANGEROUS for one party or the other, and should be ended.
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (23 October 2009):
Well all I can say is that No means no. That being said you were man enough to stop.However....Yes she is pulling your strings like a puppet masterBut you know, you cheated on her too, because you weren't getting sex. You should have broken up with her if that was the case.What strikes me more than that is how you have to pile on and describe things like the amount of money you spent on her. Is that a pre requisite for sex in your book? Regardless, I think you yourself have some arrogance issues you need to deal with.and frankly, regardless of how good a school you went to, you need to spell "Facade" correctly.You may be lost, but if you were so intelligent why would you agree to admit even if she pigeonholed you that you raped her?I don't care who you are, you just don't admit to something like that and expect to continue a relationship with someone. I don't care whether she is manipulative or not, that is admitting to a felony that can get you in trouble big time if she chose to use it against you. You need to grow a pair of balls and not see her again.And you need to grow up and not be in any kind of relationship with anyone. It's obvious you are too immature to handle an adult relationship in any event.JUST LEAVE HER...AND DON'T DO ANY MORE CHEATING IF YOU ARE STILL IN THIS RELATIONSHIP! JESUS THAT WILL JUST GIVE HER FUEL TO TRY TO CHARGE YOU WITH SOMETHING! AND YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE!Older Sister...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Why you would ever condone cheating IN ANY FORM IS ABSURD! It will make it harder for this guy to get out of this situation and give her an excuse to get him busted. If she is this manipulative I don't put anything past her.
...............................
|
