A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:i was in a relationship(long distance) for 3 yrs everything was fine and then there came a hard time for me..i really didn't had any idea how to cope with the things that were going around..but it started to affect my relationship also, i barely talked to her, i was gone for like 3 months with only a little communication between us, i didn't called her not even a text..she needed me at that time but she didn't asked because she knew i was upto something..In the meanwhile when i was gone from her life, she got very close with a friend and when i was not there he used to make her smile and take care of her etc.when the things started going better with me then i realised while coping with other things how i had ignored her and i was a fool back then for behaving like this, now it really hurts to even think about the way i treated her..so i apologised but she i said i don't know what was happening back then and i never wanted this, and i really want us to be back together now but she refused. she said its impossible because she have moved on and she have already made up her mind, so its not possible now, not after what i have done.i know that i have hurted her and don't deserve her now but i cant just move on after giving her such bad memories, so i somehow convinced her to be just friends because i need her, and she agreed but also reminded me that its impossible for us to be back together. ( i don't know why) Few days back she told me that she have feelings for him but its true that she don't feel as much as she felt for me but still there is something..It hurts a lot now, and i really want us to be back together..sorry if i sound selfish but i don't want to regret later for because for now somehow i'll move..but later its gonna hurt real bad and the worst part is that i won't be able to do anything then..i don't want this, actually i never wanted this..it was my situation back then which made me to behave like that..Some good news that we are just friends and we have taken a fresh start, i want to show her that i have realised and i am changed now i have learned a lot from the past and i don't wanna loose her, i know i have already but i don't wanna make it worse..i know what she felt fr me, it was too deep to b fade away like this, i know their is something still inside for me, i hope i am not wrong..please help me.. i really want us to be back together..
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (14 April 2015):
 She turned to you when she was upset. She liked your song. Please do not give up on her. If he is controlling then hopefully she will see through him in time.
He does not control the relationship memories you had in the past. If they are arguing and she is turning to you because she was upset then you are having some effect on the situation.
I vote that you do not give up on her. The song would have delighted her. She will remember that you were kind the next time he is mean to her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd one thing more, her friend told we that the guy is just attached to her he don't love her..but he is trying to control her I mean he have asked her not to even like the profile picture of other guy on, a social site..He have asked her not to reply to my any messages and she doesn't ..He call her girlfriend I mean everyone thinks that she is because they are too close and she its totally OK with it..I have told her that it doesn't matter what others think..I really don't care, I have already asked, "what he is for you?" and the answer was right now he is everythng for me and right now he is the only,one in my life..but he is not my bf..And we know she have some feelings for himI think right now her feelings for him are quite strong, i feel like that..I don't know if am right or wrong..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe was upset last night ,because they had a fight earlier that day so I asked can I call her because I can't see her like this.. She said she will get better only if he responds to her text but if I want to try I can..
So I called and sang a song fr her nd she said thanks I m sure she liked it
Den we talked for like an hour and here he was calling her..so she hung up..
I knew she wouldn't call back but still I waited for a little while and I slept..
In morning I Checked out my inbox and found out a late night text of her.
She said srry for the interruption and thanked me and also mentioned that there are several things which only I can do..and I am still the same as I was..means perfect
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 April 2015):
Excellent sign that she called you. That is great.
you must have felt good about that.
Do you have enough good memories to sustain one message a week or one a fortnight or one a month?
Be consistent.
If she does not say "stop" then continue.
If she reacts favourably then once a week.
If her reaction is just so so then once a fortnight.
But proceed cautiously.
"read" her mood by any feedback from her.
And of course Respect a "STOP" immediately.
But if she later says she liked it then tell her you have so much more to say, so can you please resume?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi
ok i'll keep it slow, and i know i can do this..
yeah i was willing to ask from u that what should b the time span between every note am going to send her?
and she just called me last night, i don't know the reason
i asked her is everything alright she just said yeah..
i was shocked at first because she usually don't stay awake that late in the night, but i was happy that i was there for her..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 April 2015):
Hi
Not so good for you, sadly. That is a brush off.
However you do say that you do have qualities that surpass him.
The only thing is to stay a gentleman with her. Anything that looks like you are withdrawing from her will make the other guy seem like the reliable guy.
Send her the nice email. Don't stress if she does not respond.
If she says ''stop'' then yes do stop. And take it graciously.
But if you don't get a ''stop'' message (even though no reply) then send another one.
If over a six month period you send her six messages of love and she does not respond at all in any way, and she never tries to contact you at all then she is either punishing you a lot or her feeling for the other guy have proved stronger.
But any time she responds (where it is not a ''stop this'' message then make sure the next note tells her how your heart sang with joy on hearing from her.
Patience. That she responds at all (and does not say ''stop this'' and that she has said she'll still be friends are good signs. She has not yet shut the door.
But it does suggest the she suffered shockingly and grieved for you a lot when you abandoned her. During the time you did not contact her she probably went through the pain of first wondering if you were unwell or were not able to respond through to feeling that you had found someone else and that you no longer cared for her. If you can imagine the pain of her grief at the time it must have really hurt her such a lot.
Yet she is still willing to be friends with you. That is a generous offer from her, in the circumstances.
So if you cannot get her out of your mind, and she is prepared to still remain friends with you and communicate with you sometimes there is still a glimmer of hope.
Do not demand that she respond. Just keep on being reliable and not impatient with her.
Your long absence convinced her, at the time, that your were unreliable, did not love her anymore, and that she could not trust you to consider her feelings.
It is a huge mountain that you need to overcome in her mind of doubt about you.
If she is so very very important to you, and remembering the pain you put her through in the past, then you will need to remain calm.
And demonstrate your commitment and reliability. Let her know, briefly, in your cover note how and in what ways, you are keeping yourself busy. And how you think of her often and that you continue to miss her so much.
Your love notes can touch on your good memories of things you love about her that you now miss so much.
Is there no chance that you could get to see her in person? Is meeting her in person out of the question due to the travel logistics, the time involved and the cost of reaching her destination and then returning to where you are now?
In the meantime work on staying fit and keeping healthy. Also keep on reading to improve your mind and maybe find an absorbing hobby that occupies your leisure time so that you remain focused on more than just her, when you have time on your hands. So that when she finally does see you in person you are positive and a picture of good health.
Always remember that you have so much more ''history'' with her and a stored bank of so many more shared good memories of time spent with her. Use those memories in your love notes to ignite those good memories in her mind.
Where would you take her and how would you attempt to charm her if you could see her in person again?
Share some of those thoughts for the future while relating your joyful memories of her in the past.
If you are ever to regain what you once had with this lady she is not going to make it easy. But if you are able to convince her, over time, then the reunion, when it happens, will be all the sweeter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah actually every time she comes up with a reason that she was outside or she was with the guy or she was busy in other stuff..
and the guy is in the same place..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Hi, some people don't respond all the time anyway - it's just their communication style. I know couples, both LDRs and non LDRs who, if for various reasons they're apart/in different parts of the country, don't text each other every day. Some do some don't. Also, at this point, she is with the other guy and you are just friends, so she may or may not respond, depending on what she is doing at the time ie working, talking to family etc .. It's good that she doesn't respond all the time as it shows she values herself and is being careful, so I would respect her for that and just let her do things at her own pace, within this new friendship. You are in a slightly tricky situation and you have to handle it strategically (I only know this from personal experience). It is hard but just follow your head and your instincts as well as your heart and don't expect too much from her at this stage - let it breathe and develop naturally. If possible, try to distract yourself a bit. There is a balance between letting her know how you feel without applying pressure and I know it's hard to achieve but it can be done. On the positive side, you are back in her life, you have her number and you have some communique with her as friends. I guess if she saw you as just 'friends' only you might only hear from her at Christmas or so?? It's hard to say without knowing her and her general style/communication techniques/how she communicates with friends etc .. Good luck anyway :) x
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 April 2015):
hi
if she is not yet responding?
of course she does have a right to not respond.
you cannot make her respond.
but you can remain hopeful and courteous.
let's see how she reacts to a light and sweet short note (the .pdf) before I say more.
has she given you any reason for the no response?
is the other guy also a LDR ?
or is he in the same place as her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, i will do it myself..
now please help with her no responses..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 April 2015):
Do not get a third party to do it for you. That will ruin the connection completely.
Do you have her email?
Then write the letter in your own handwriting. sign it.
Scan it as a .pdf
Attach it to an email.
Her email ONLY.
Then send her a covering note and ask her to open the attachment, please.
It must come directly from you. not through someone else.
I would be insulted to receive such an important note through a third party.
Regards
Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah thanx a lot, but I have already mentioned in my question is that the relationship was a long distance relationship, and still we are like 1000kms apart from each other, so I can't figure out what to do..
Because I can't just post it on her address.. She will be going college but after 2-3 months so I can send her on the college address but still it have 2-3 months..
I think right now what I can do, is text the content to her best friend and she will prepare the letter.. I know it will end up all the charm but its long distance I'll have to compromise somewhere..
And one more thing she doesn't seems much interested because she usually don't respond to my texts or calls ya she responds but not evrytime..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 April 2015):
Hi,
OK, trust your gut on this one.
Definitely do some test runs.
Definitely write out something and re-read it the next day. Sleep on it. Then decide.
And so perhaps test the water with something charming that was special and made her very happy and made you feel like she was the one.
So break the letter into a series of letters. Each easily read. That way she will end up with an enduring legacy of tributes to here.
So instead of one big waterfall on one day - instead you willl wear away the determination of a stony rock with regular applications a little water to wear away the stone with one of your imspirational letters.
Keep all the drafts. So you have a record of what you said.
But you will not get confused about what you said if you write chronologically about from the first time - step by step to the time you knew she was the one. And anything that's delighted you since.
So settle on one small page for a few lines addressed to her and send it - in your own hand writing.
One small letter on what made you notice her of be aware of her and a look or a place the two of you shared that was special.
Check her reaction. If she is touched, does not mind, then a few days later she can be sent instalment two - same size, same paper - hand written on the next thing you want her to see that it is a tribute to her.
Once again this gives you a chance to check her reaction and see if she is thawing just a tiny bit, or is seen with a tiny smile and is shy and touched and a little amazed. Then on with instalment three. And so on.
At least this way she will also be reminded regularly of many wonderful memories.
And you will be demonstrating that you can be relied to stick around, come what ,may. Plus that you are not giving up on her.
And rarely to people write by hand in a letter today.
So who knows? Maybe one day your grand children will find the letters and marvel at what a loving gentleman you were as a young man as you wooed their grandmother all over again before you recaptured her love on the second round.
I am hopeful that the letters will touch her heart strings to help her remember the love you shared earlier and out weigh the hurt of your long separation.
'' faint heart never won a lady'' is a very old expression.
This situation calls for you to stand out from the crowd as unique to her.
And you do have the added advantage that she has already shared so much happiness with you in the past.
I hope she can see your passion for her through these (always respectful, always readable by her family) letters to help her to see that you are ''the one''.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): I would not worry about the other guy or try to compete with him ie who is better you or him etc ..as she might just feel she needs to defend himI would focus on what you can offer her. Maybe you can remember what made her laugh, what made her happy, what she was passionate about, what interested her, what made her feel safe and you can send a few short texts to reflect those things.I think it's a good idea to write the letter but yes you need to get the timing right. Receiving genuine letter is nice, in this day of texts! I remember getting a proper love letter from a man, via email but done as a letter, a few years ago and it was very nice really.One thing I would say is to check with yourself that you are 100% certain and being genuine. When you went MIA on her before, she must have been hurt yet she left you alone. She may be worried you'll do it again.I have been in this same situation with a man and I sense him kind of wanting to come back around me and I am really nervous and wary (I am a woman in her 40's) because I remember how painful it was when he backed off suddenly just as we were getting close. Your ex girlfriend may feel that the new guy is the safer more reliable option - ok he may not make her heart race as much as you did and he may not have as good a job but she may feel safe? There is a bit of a double standard too with men and women - it seems ok for men to say 'oh please stay with me don't leave me' etc etc but when we do it we're classed as clingy and insecure so we have to bite our tongue and just take it.All you can do is be genuine and honest, respect her and her space and try to make her feel good - make her laugh, feel safe, happy, interested, motivated - make her feel good but only do it if you mean it as it would be unfair on her.I do feel for you as you sound genuine but think how she felt after 3 years you just disappearing - trust me that feels harsh (I know it from personal experience). Anyway I wish you luck. Maybe write the letter out on a piece of paper and keep it then read it back in a few days and see what you think and then write the real thing on some nice paper. In the meantime, you can keep in touch carefully by text. Personally I prefer to talk in person than by text but if the situation is a bit delicate best not to push it whilst at the same time not just ignoring it.Good luck :) x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince we have taken a fresh start as friends so i am little nervous, for this letter thing..
i don't want to screw it more now
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok thank you very much i will do it.
but you sure that its right time for this, i don't wanna freak her out..
ya she will feel good i can bet that, but still..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 April 2015):
Think about writing her a beautiful letter (or poem if you are especially gifted).
Create it yourself - don't get a slick professional writer to do it for you.
Write from the heart.
But include nothing that would be too much, if read by her grandmother or her father.
Recall the first time you met her. What stood out or what were your memories.
Did others notice before she noticed that you were fascinated by her.
Think if it slowly dawned on you, or was it like a lightening strike when she first came to your notice.
Think about her hair, what do you like about it.
Does she wear a perfume that reminds you of her if you ever smell it.
Think of the first time you walked and talked her.
What was it that made her special.
Think of especially happy times together.
Weave it all into a loving and respectful letter that even her grandmother or her father could read and know how much you adore her.
Think about how you want the best for her. How you would be lost without her in your life and try to include that gently but not in an overtly demanding way.
But just because she Lights up your day just seeing her or hearing her speak.
Try to incorporate her best qualities - how respectful she is to others. How kindly she treats younger and elderly menbers of the family.
And wish her well in the future.
us nice paper as it may be shared with her Aunties. Marvelling at how respectfully the letter presented .
Best Wishes with this.
Many girls would be very flattered to receive such a declaration of love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell yeah i really was looking forward to marry this girl, actually we both wanted that.because we knew that there is a very strong possibility for our future.yeah my family knows her and her family knows me too,even both families know each other too but in his case there is nothing like that,and she is not going to introduce him to her family, i am pretty sure that am much better in terms of academics, family, career than him..i don't have any issues with my financial status, and i am a non-alcoholic, i am not involved in any gambling also..the only issue i am facing right now is her resistance, i mean i can't force her to talk to me, so i am trying to talk more about the things she is interested in, but still after a little while she stops responding to my texts, we have taken a fresh start as friends 3-4 days ago..and i am really thankfull for your kind words, i know we have a future together that's why i am trying this hard for her, i really want us to be back together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah.. you are righti really wanted to marry this girl, actually we both wanted to.yes we have good family terms, both of our families know each other well.And that guy haven't met her family yet, and i am damn sure she will never introduce him.no i am not an alcoholic, neither i have any have any financial issues , and yeah i don't gamble either.and i am far better from the guy in terms of education, career and family.that's why i am trying hard for this girl because i know that there is a possibility of our future together..as you mentioned above that relationship is like a garden it needs tender and care, if you'll not then certainly the garden is going to die.after that it will be hard to blossom that garden again but with the same care and love it can relive..so still there is a possibility?and thank you for your kind words, the only issue i am facing is her resistance..we are friends now and we have started it just 3-4 days ago, she doesn't responds to my texts fully, i mean after a little while she don't responds without even saying goodbye or see you later..and i can't just force her to talk to me, because its the only way i can win her back..so please give me something about it..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 April 2015):
As a Post script you can remind her that you were a youth when this relationship started but you are now a man. That you can improve even further.
But still remain respectful of the fact that she has advised that she does have feelings for the other guy.
You must not embarass her nor humiliate her in any way by confronting the other guy.
This situation is between you and her only.
And perhaps you don't have marriage in mind for her and you - so please forgive me if I assumed too much on that subject.
It was your own heartfelt sincerity that led me to think that perhaps you wanted marriage with this girl.
If I jumped in to assume you wanted to eventually marry this girl and I am wrong then i hope you will now understand why i said those things.
.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 April 2015):
You are still relatively young and you sound very sincere. Her family no doubt knew that she suffered from your carelessness in not keeping her informed.
I am answering this question while keeping in mind your culture. I know that in Indian culture the family have a very important role in needing to feel that any relationship consider what us in the best interests. Yes there are often love marriages. But arranged marriages or even love marriages where the parents and families opinions are considered remain very important in that culture, even if the persons involved no longer live in India.
Have you met her family? Do your family know her family. If yes to both you could also build some bridges there and apologise to her face to face on how
much it hurt your ex that you did not keep her informed. She might have been able to comfort you and give you support at the time.
If the new guy has already met her family and his family vice a versa then things are moving along briskly. That may not be in your favour.
Does he have a stronger position as far as his studies, his career and his family?
If yes that weakens your position a little also.
But if he is slow to voice his wish to commit to this girl then that may explain why she is still willing to be your friend.
Keep on being very respectful towards her. Remember her birthday and on special celebration days send her your greetings.
If you attend the Temple can you do so at the same one her family attend? That you certainly help you, if that is possible.
Do you have any issues that could hinder progress with her?
Do you have a poor record with money? Find it difficult to save? Have large debts?
Or a gambling problem? Or drink alcohol regularly to the point of being drunk?
Any of those issues in your culture would weaken your position considerably.
And so should be addressed so that you can appear to be a better prospect for marriage at some time in the future.
Try to be patient. Put your best foot forward and hope that she can learn to trust you again
But if you do lose her please face this reality: if ONE girl can come to love you so very much then there is a very strong possibility that another girl will feel just as strongly, if not even more so, that you are the most special man in the universe.
A woman who will adore you just as much as this girl you are pining for right now.
IF you have lost this one then grieve for her, but then move on. Do NOT bore any future girlfriends with a whole lot of words about why this relationship floundered and was lost,
Instead remind your next love interest that she is your whole focus and the only girl who matters. And demonstrate that by your actions. You need to nurture a love interest and tend to the relationship daily. It needs to become as natural as cleaning your teeth, so you never miss out on an opportunity to be kind or thoughtful or caring to them every day.
That's what keeps a relationship growing.
Think of it as if a relationship is a garden. It will not bloom and grow unless it is tended to regularly with tender loving care.
I do hope think things work out well for you. But even if this relationship does not redevelop the way you want, then it is still possible for you to go on to others things and you can find love again in the future.
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