A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi there,I am feeling extremely down right now. I found out my bf has been looking at porn again even though he promised me he wouldn't so i kicked him out this time had enough of him making me feel like crap. Yeah i know what your gonna say porn's not that bad, all men do it, it's a man thing, bit extreme to kick him out i've heard it all before but that doesn't change the way i feel about it. Thats what makes us individuals right?Basically i just can't live like this anymore my trust in him has gone not to mention how uncomfortable he now makes me feel. Why do men do it when they no how upsetting it can be for their partners and i can assure you when the shoe is on the other foot they don't like it, so why? Doesn't make any sense to me anymore...relationships just aren't worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): If you don't like porn, do not stay with a man that feels he has to have it! It is not an essential part of life and his 'habit' will not go away, he will only become better at hiding it, I am speaking from experience. When two partners disagree on porn use in their relationship, it destroys trust, your ability to feel sexy, and a healthy sex life is an essential ingredient in a relationship. Find yourself a man that does not need porn, they are out there and they are so much better in many ways than men who do watch it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): My b/f dosen't watch porn, don't put all blokes in the same box.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): i think its a good thing that you dumped your bf...i wish i was more secure with myself and could get rid of my husband to be b.c of his porn addiction...but i gave him so many chances to stop that now i'm so insecure about myself that i cant leave him in fear of never finding anyone else...i've been with him for 3 years and i love everything about him except for the fact that hes addicted to porn...i try to pretend that it doesnt bother me b.c he gets so angry when i bring it up...but pretending i dont care just hurts me worse...i feel worthless, insecure, and so depressed that i cant eat, sleep or even function anymore...i just had a baby a month ago and on top of all the stress i cant even take care of my newborn...once again, i'm glad you got rid of the porn addicted bf and hopefully it was early enough so that your selfesteem isnt destroyed and you can go out and find the perfect guy who will respect you and not watch porn if you dont like it
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (12 October 2007):
 If you don't like porn, don't watch it. If your significant other likes it, and you can't stand it, do what you did. Kick them out. End of story.
Maybe you should have potential boyfriends fill out a questionaire before you date them.
Do you like me? ____ yes ____no
Do you like anal sex? ____yes ____no
Do you like porn? ____yes ____no
Do you like peach cobler? ____yes ____no
There you go. All nice and neat.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): You know hun, I have to say this. I was in a porn-free marriage for almost 25 years. So when I hear, the old saying 'that all men do it', I say that's a crock of BS. I know many, many males who don't watch it and are very committed to their wives and families. Like anything in life..watching porn it's a choice, isn't it. I give you credit for standing by your values and kicking his butt to the curb. You set a boundary in your relationship and he failed to respect that. If your bf was diverting himself into pornography, while having a intimate relationship with you...those are sometimes good indicators that he had a problem that he was mismanaging. The compulsion males feel to still watch porn while in love relationships, is the reason why a lot of women refuse to date men who use porn.
Relationships, however, are worth it when it's with the right person. He wasn't the right one for you. This is why I have stated in the past that dating is a selection process and a gal takes her time choosing who is best for her life. Dating is conditional, by definition. It is about dating and rejecting a lot of different people until you find one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. Take your time. You have an opportunity after you heal from this to find someone who is compatible with you. And he's out there,hun...give yourself time and always, always use your head when making decisions about who is good for your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): You're generalizing too much here.
First of all, porn is bad if you think it's bad. Whatever other people say, is there own view.
Second, not all men look at porn. Then again, is porn limited to nudity, sex, and masturbation?
Third, not all porn are about guys spraying their love juices on women's faces or making women gag on giant penises. Not all porn are about 'degrading' women or men - eg: dominatrix. Though I am sure a lot of anti-porn advocates would love to believe that porn objectifies and degrades women regardless.
Lastly, relationships are worth it. Dating is trial and error. Don't go into a relationship expecting that love and trust automatically happens. It's a process of time, effort, and experiences.
Some people I know, married their first love. Some people I know, went through 3 to 4 partners before finding someone most compatible. Some people I know have gone through HUNDREDS, yes, literally hundreds of 'dates', flings, and girlfriends and are still 'dating'.
Just to keep you in perspective. If your current porn-stricken boyfriend isn't the type of guy you want, then find another.
It's just like a job or a career. If being a paramedic isn't the right thing for you, try being a nurse. A nurse not good? How about a doctor? No medical field? How about a mime, a musician, or maybe even a sculptor?
Trial and error.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): I feel the same way you do, yet I still long to be in a relationship.. You have to admit when relationships are going good, there is no feeling like it in the world. Oh back to your extreme attitude, I think that was a bit much, I was an extremist like you before I came to love myslef and know who and what I wanted out of life, relationships, ect.....So I believe that you don't love your boyfriend any more, and the porn things was just an excuse for you to kick him out, (bben there, done that) I hope he goes on to find a real woman who will accept him for who he is.... Oh and I think you are down because now you are alone. Your friend, lover, is gone... pitiful you..Why do us women complain so much... from being on this site for months now going on a year, I am so tired of the whining, I am strating to see what men are talking about. Women just want everything to be perfect...And Yes I am a woman.... You dump him, but now you are so misreable, you made your own bed my dear... If you relly loved him, you would have talked it out, not been irrational
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (12 October 2007):
 Well
I honestly don't have problem w porn at all. I watch it myself ... and I would not be upset if my BF did .. because its just TV .. its not real pepole doing it infront of him on the floor in our living room .. its still only a MOVIE ... I can handle that ... for me this is better than haveing my man going into strip clubs or haveing privat parties w his budies... thats what I cant stand ...
Anyway ... I understand you are hurt especially cause he lied to you about it ... but than think about what does bother you so much about this whole porn situation ... does it make you feel like you are not enough or that you are doing something wrong and thats why he does it?? Becaue if thats it ... than don't worry about it! Guys are like that. They like to see other people doing it or naked woman and stuff ... they dont have such a great imagination like we do .. they need to see it to believe it ... its not YOU!
Maybe you should go and see one of those movies yourself.. and maybe you would feel different about it. But I am not talking about one of those disgusting ones .. just something nice and clean ... and maybe you will change the way you look at this and you will enjoy it yourself ...
ANd if not .. than go out there and find a man, that doesnt need to do this and watch porn. It will be hard .. but there are some out there - so go and get them
GOod luck to you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): 1. Not all men look at porn. I don't. Some of my friends don't. (Some do, but that's beside the point)
2. He's being insensitive to your wishes and you have every right to get rid of the bloke who can't step up and behave like a man. Porn isn't essential to living, it's not essential to having a good sex life, and it's not essential to masturbation. He doesn't need it, he chooses to watch it and ignore how it makes you feel. More power to you for not putting up with it.
3. Many men feel that they DO need porn. They feel that they shouldn't have to sacrifice it to please their lady. That's usually not the case, most women are not pleased with the porn watching. The level of discomfort ranges from extreme rage/jealousy to mild irritation. Some women are okay with it. Hell, lots of women watch it themselves. That said, men often lack the ability to empathize with their partners feelings. They just can't see why it bothers women. That, or they don't care. Anyway, it's a glitch in some men that I can't explain. IMO, if a man is with a woman who doesn't want him to watch porn because it makes her feel betrayed/jealous/uncomfortable, then he should respect that wish.
4. If it's a porn addiction (increasingly common these days) then he should go into counseling.
I am mostly here to reassure you that there are good guys out there who aren't obsessed with pornography! I went through a phase when I was 16 where I looked it up on the internet, got it out of my system and now I don't have an interest in it at all. I'd much rather use my imagination when it comes to fantasizing... of course, the real thing trumps all.
Good luck, sorry your man ended up being a boy.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (12 October 2007):
You can find another bf who isn't into porn. Next time look for a guy who is more self supporting.
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A
female
reader, Titania70 +, writes (12 October 2007):
A high percentage of men, as you are already aware yourself, use porn. It's a relief more than a way to be unfaithful. However, it makes you uncomfortable so you should try and find a man that does not use it. Good luck!!!
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