A
male
age
36-40,
*otepadcaps
writes:My ex-girlfriend and i were broken up this summer. this was our 3rd break up in 1.5 yrs. We decided to get back together before the summer ended. When we officially got back together, i went to Europe just after and had kissed 2 girls in that time... i felt shitty. When i came back she asked me if i had cheated and i said 'no'. I mean i loved this girl and had just had a weak moment in Europe i guess... i was 23 and just living... but i did love her... anyway we broke up again last month. We hadn't talked until tonight when she asked again for me to be truthful about what happened in europe(she had always been skeptical and i always denied because i didn't want to ruin things)...i told her the truth... and she flipped... i feel sooooooooo guilty because she is so hurt right now...i am a mess...i feel sooooo bad because i hurt someone who i love so much... i never wanted to hurt her...i feel as if i am such a horrible person... i know in many ways i am... could someone please tell me what they think and how i should move forward...
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, get back together, got back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): I don't think there is much you can do. I really beleive that love means never having to say you're sorry. So you have to face the fact that your actions are a true indicator of how you really feel about her. If I was truly inlove I would NOT cheat on that person for any reason. When you love someone you think about them all the time and have so much respect and admiration for them and you cannot fathom in your heart hurting them in any way shape or form.
So you love her alot in the sense that you care for her but you didn't love her enough to prevent yourself from doing this. I think either you are not mature enough to be in a serious relationship or you just didn't love her enough. It's one or the other. So just apologize to her for deveiving her and just move on and let her move on too.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Tell her that you are sorry for what you did and sorry for lying to her all this time. Don't make excuses for what you did- ie "I was in a weak moment." And next time when you are in a relationship with someone, try to avoid temptation altogether. As for the guilt, this too shall pass, and I recommend doing what the first person said, using this guilt to make you never want to do this again.
...............................
A
female
reader, BellyDance +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Ok, so you JUST kissed these two girls? In my opinion I think its been blown up way out of proportion. You and her where on again, off again, on again, off again. You have feelings too and the whole "off again on again" takes a toll on people. It changes the way you see your partner. You most likely were very confused. Who can blame you.It sucks that you did it when you two were "on again". Explain to her how insecure you were, that maybe you acted out that way because you have been hurt from the whole rollercoaster of emotions. However I do think she should maybe lighten up a bit. Just because the situation has been rocky for some time now. It's not like you slept with anyone. For the fact that you feel so guilty really says how much you love and care about her. I wonder though, who broke up with who? Is she so insecure about something in particular that she continuously breaks it off and then a week later you are back together? Did you ask her what she has done while you two where broken up. Or does that just not count? I have to say the situation seems a little bit deeper than your two kisses.
...............................
A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 I think you need to think about why you are together/keep getting back together. I always say, if you break up, it is for a reason.
Sometimes people can learn from their mistakes and move on, and become stringer. Most of the time people don't learn, they get back together, carry on the routine of breaking up and getting back together, which is not a relationship.
Do you think you might be continually getting back together because you are used to each other, it is comforting and routine?
Do you think you kissed these other girls because you weren't happy with your ex girlfriend? Because people happy and satisfied in a relationship don't kiss other people.
It sounds like your ex already knew about the kisses in Europe - female intuition is a great and usually accurate thing! Therefore she has probably been hurting since you got back, but only now is she able to let that hurt out. She probably also wants to punish you for kissing these girls, knowing that by her being devastated and causing a fuss will hurt you, as you quite clearly feel horrible for upsetting her.
I think you both need to sit down and talk, about whether you want to try again at the relationship, with the terms that the past is now the past - you DON'T bring it up again. You have a fresh, new start. You don't break-up-get-back-together-break-up etc. You start as a new relationsip, you go on dates, you woo each other, buy her flowers etc.
Or the other option is to decide that no, you can't do the above, no, there is no point in carrying on because you will only end up causing each other more upset and heartache, and you cut your ties, get your closure on the relationsip, and move on.
Good luck, let us know what happens...x
...............................
A
female
reader, bVs +, writes (12 December 2007):
because you lie to her at first, pretty much, the fact that you werent honest to her from the beginning makes it harder for us, as woman, to trust their man, its hard I believe, you are in a tough situation, if you really loved that girl, 1st of all, you wouldnt done that, maybe you are just used to her, because yall been toqether for more than a year now...I mean, yall might be atracted to each other, but maybe she aint the woman the you trully love yet, she might end up beign that woman, I mean...but again, you are only 23 and you are probably still finding yourself...hehe, if you feel like you are going to hurt her even more, you feel like you cant control yourself for now around others, then just brake up with her, because now, she might not stay all serious with you, who knows, she might even go and kiss some other dude, you know...but then I dont know her that well...next time, when you know you can be in a serious relationship, you can start dating, or else, just stay with some fun...good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 To me, the first step is to accept that you hurt her. She didn't do anything to deserve that, and you did it. It's your fault, with no extenuating circumstances. After that, apologize to her.
And then, use this feeling of guilt you have to convince yourself that you should never do this again.
I doubt that this girl will ever come back to you. If she did, don't hurt her again.
Also, I see that you've broken up three times in one year and a half. Think very carefully whether this relationship would make sense. If it doesn't, then don't re-start it, no matter what. And bear in mind that the fact the relationship was not quite what you wanted does not mean you didn't hurt her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): It will take time for you to move forward due to the guilt that you may have. IF you care for her and you dont want to hurt her anymore, then maybe its best to just move on for the sake of her happiness. Face the consequence of your actions. It seems that you both just need time for yourselves to live a little. You were confused so thats why you did what you did. Your not a horrible person, we just tend to make mistakes sometimes. You know what you did was wrong and you admitt it. Whats important is that you learned from your mistakes and try not to make the same mistakes twice. Maybe what the both of you may have would never be a relationship again, but try to end things on a friendlier note. Good luck!
...............................
|
