A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:please bear with the length, i think this is a topic that will trigger discussion and one that many experience.I hate to "complain" as I am in a loving, faithful relationship with a stunning, great girl. she wants to marry me, we live together and have sex about 3-5 times a week. i have some issues with our sex life, though, and i know i need to communicate them to her but it is very difficult as she gets upset easily. i have told her twice in our 15 month relationship that i wished we had more sex and both times she got really sad and upset. since that 2nd time i brought it up, i've decided to shut my mouth about these things.i ask her every once in a while how she feels about our sex life, if there is anything i can do for her, any fantasies she'd like fulfilled, and it seems i am satisfying her. but she doesn't really ask me about me.i am a very willing lover to her. i spend a lot of time on foreplay, kissing her entire body, fulfilling her fantasy of being tied up/dominated and make sure to bring her to orgasm through fingering as often as she will let me (the only way she can). i give her great messages with oil and candles several times a week. i bought her her first vibrator and make more of an effort to find her g-spot than she does. also, i am always researching techniques, positions and other ways to please her.my issues are:A: her lack of adventure in bed. she only lets me change positions if she is drunk. if sober, we are always in missionary or some variance of it. she almost always refuses to let me go down on her, and I REALLY want to go down on her. we have sex at night before bed or sometimes in the morning, rarely a spur of the moment thing during the day or anywhere but the bed. sometimes she won't let me put my fingers in her to find HER g-spot. it took me forever to get her to shower with me and the few times we've done it she never wants to have sex or even just play in there - just bathe.B: her lack of attention to me. she has offered once or twice to message me but never followed through. she never kisses or caressess my body, and she never touches my penis unless i ask her to. she never takes charge, even for a minute of foreplay while on top of me. she never goes down on me (this particularly is starting to drive me nuts!). she asked me my fantasies, i told her one - nothing too outrageous (i said i'd like to wake up one morning to find her going down on me or having her way with me) and she has never done it. (yet i always fulfill hers). we kiss frequently everyday but barely make out for a while anymore - she always stops it. anytime she senses disappointment she hugs me and says "but i love you" or "cuddling with you is so nice". all great, but i need more.also: i am the best boyfriend to her outside of bed. i do all the cooking and cleaning and am basically her rock. i go above and beyond for this girl.i really don't know what to do. my good friend tells me all the details of his sex life and mine pales in comparison. i try to do everything i can for this girl sexually (and emotionally). i masturbate as much as i did when i wasn't having sex, and i shouldn't be. i'm starting to fantasize about what other girls are like in bed, and i'm desperate for a blow job.i am her third long term sex partner (she also had two one night stands) but she is my first. at the beginning of the relationship i wasn't too vocal about things because everything was so new. but now i need to explore more, and i am worried that if this is our sex life at 22 what will it be like twenty years, a coupla kids and busy jobs later??our sex life is not horrible - she doesn't just lie there, and while i think a young couple living together should have more sex than just 3-5 times a week, it could be worse.also, i have considered that maybe SHE is unhappy about our sex life, but i am constantly giving her attention in bed and she assures me that she is completely satisfied. so if i am the problem, then it's her fault for not being honest.so how can i bring this up to her sensitively? how should i word such things? should i assume that if I HAVE to bring such things up, that while it might change temporarily we'll be back to this in a couple of months?i don't want to break up with her over the sex, but i can't commit to a life of sex like this, especially since she is my first lover. i know if it continues like this it will lead me to cheating or divorce or at least an unhappy marriage. sorry if that sounds shallow, but i think it's pretty realistic.it eats me up inside, because i love this girl.thanks for the help -
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female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Sweetheart this sounds so much more positive, You are a good guy.. I truly hope everything works out for you both with love Mandy xxxxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionagain, thank you thank you thank you!! y'all are saints.
i'll continue to keep you updated on our progress or post any other questions that might come up.
take care & much love.....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2008):
 I found a link for you, I forgot to post it: http://www.mentalhelp.net/
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2008):
Thanks again for the update. I see you had some more really valuable input from other aunts and I think it's pretty clear that while you thought this question was about not getting oral sex, it's really about helping her recover from some very traumatic experiences. I think she very well could be in denial still, that she thinks she doesn't need help. I think finding the right therapy or counselor for her would be a good thing. I also really liked Smiles' prescription for improving things. And Pepper's very moving perspective of how a woman feels when something like this has happened, I just can't thank her enough for sharing that with you and with us.
I think you're a loving and caring partner to her, and now I think some more self-sacrifice is in order, so that she can start to lead a full and rich life, even more so than she's already managed on her own. If you think you can stick with her through what could be some very trying times, more power to you. If you think you might waver here and ultimately resent what you have to go through in order to get her healthy, now would be the time to make that move.
I'm happy to hear the first discussions went well and I think you're off to a good start. Hang in there, if you can, she sounds like a very amazing and special woman.
And if you think we can help, encourage her to post a question here.
With best wishes for both of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Dear Poster
Thanks for the update. I am glad to hear you are taking our advice to heart. I wish you and this girl all the best and with loving care and lots of patience if you are both committed, you will resolve the problems. I am happy to hear you will consider counseling; I am very positive that you will both benefit from it.My "therapy" suggestions helped many couples in the past and I do hope the two of you will experience the same.
Counseling will help her to overcome and let go of the past trauma, but it will also help you to deal with your negative thoughts and images about her past that might pop up in your mind from time to time. It will help you both to communicate your feelings and to form a closer bond.
I wish you both lots of love and happiness. I am glad if we could be of assistance and please do keep us posted. We are here for both of you anytime.
Always keep smiling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow. i'm so thankful to all of you and don't even know where to begin responding.
in terms of the forced oral situation, i admit at first i did secretly blame her a little for it. she told me about that, and also that she slept with someone while we started sleeping together (but not dating), both at the same time and i got upset and had to leave the apt to take a walk by myself. i have always had issues about her past, a problem i never expected to ever have until i started having sex with her. i recognize that it is MY problem, not hers, and have done my best to make it clear that i am not upset with her about it, though at times she isn't too tactful in keeping details to a minimum. and it's not that i blamed her for the forced oral three times, i just didn't understand why she would continue to hang out with this dude, especially after time #2. but you all have helped me see how it is possible for that to happen.
and of course i wish i was getting head, but what primarily churns my stomach about it is A) that this sweet girl had to endure that B) the image of it that pops into my head once in a while C) this asshole dude. seriously, i am guy, but damn guys can be assholes.
anyways....she is NOT in counseling at the moment. despite the trauma of her life, she has matured into a remarkable, courageous, extremely independent young woman. however, as i live with her and have spent more time with her than probably anyone at this point, it is clear that she is still affected by things. and how could she not be???
she did enter counseling at 8/9 years old, the therapist said (to her grandparents) if she doesn't solve some issues now she will be screwed as an adult. so she tried it, but hated it, and cried and fought and her grandparents broke and took her out of it. flash forward to college, our school had a great counseling program and last year she met with someone for an hour once a week and then went to a group sex counseling program with the same counselor, also once a week, but left because she felt she wasn't getting anything out of it. most of the kids were victims of full on rape and incest, and i think she felt undeserving of being there. they also gave her a hard time one night when they found out she had a boyfriend (me), because none of them i did.
she is now in the process of applying to grad school to become a school counselor, to be the type of counselor for high schoolers that she wishes she had and needed when she was in HS. i think that's pretty honorable.
SMILES: I appreciate the "home therapy" suggestion, and i just might bring it up to her and try it. seems like a good idea for any couple, really.
PEPPER27: thank you for your honesty and courage to tell us about your story. it was very helpful to hear your side of such a situation, and i hope others lurking on this thread find it helpful too.
i do think this girl is making slow, positive strides in her confidence and sexuality. i have proven my loyalty and trustworthiness and love to her and i think she was not used to a guy like that, and over the course of our relationship has even been surprised by it. i don't mean to toot my own horn, but i think i am being realistic.
in little things, like: she is a gorgeous girl with a gorgeous body, but she swore she'd never buy sexy lingerie for the longest time yet a month ago surprised me with a VS garter belt & stocking outfit, and that was a big deal for her. she has even allowed me to photograph her in artistic, sexy poses. again, i never thought she'd ever allow me to do that.
the last time she went down on me (before i heard about the forced oral), she swallowed. she said it was her first time doing that and that that was a big deal for her to do, and the most intimate thing she could do. so she has made progress in that area, i think, but since she told me what happened to her neither of us have talked about it. i wonder if i should bring it up in a casual setting to break the ice? or just let it be for now? it's been about two months since she told me, so, not sure...thoughts??
UPDATE: last night we talked a little bit about sex, not the full blown conversation i vented about in my original post but we just talked casually about why she wouldn't let me put my fingers in her the other night, why we've been sticking to missionary lately, etc.... it was a really positive conversation, and she told me at the end of it that it means so much of her that she can talk to me about sex and our sex life so comfortably and positively, because she has never been able to do that. i asked her to explain more and she said she didn't want to get into anything about the past but basically that she appreciates my openness and kindness in talking about this stuff, because i don't any of her past boyfriends extended her that basic courtesy.
SO: I have a lot of great advice to talk in here. This thread has turned into so much more than what I originally set out to do, but that's great, I'm so appreciative. I'm going take stock of everything said here and rehash my personal thoughts and talk to my girl soon about anything else i feel we should talk about. i'll update here.
i do think she would benefit from going back to counseling. i will try to bring it up in a non-threatening way. thanks for the websites and such posted for me to explore.
thanks and good day!
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (3 December 2008):
Hi Hunny
I've read all of what has been posted and hope I can keep it all in my memory, This is going to be particularly hard for me but maybe I can shed some light on a few things here..
I was raped in my 20's and he forced himself on me, Now my reaction was to turn around and put my back to him with this he pushed my head down on to his penis, I got up again and he forced himself into my anal passage and it went on like this for awhile also getting hit as I was not doing obviously what he wanted, It was only when I calmed down did he stop being so forceful and it was then he asked me to go into another room and it was then I managed to get away...My point in telling you this is if she has been forced in anyway to do something against her will she will feel....A....Not really comfortable doing certain things again for many many years until maybe there has been counselling...B...She may feel dirty and her sexual instinct becomes better when drunk as she can at this time let go of some of that inhibition...C...She cant talk openly about it as she doesn't no what to say.
She may feel like a slut, She may feel some fear creep up on her when she is in the middle of a sexual experience with you hence why she is sometimes timid not outgoing and held back...She may feel pressured and again not no how to say these things..The one night stands may be because she felt not worthy, when drunk men can use her as that is what she was used to in the past.
Everything she has been through from an early age her mothers death in the most awful circumstances, Growing up and slowly starting to actually realise what happened to her mum ,When you are a child things can be hidden from you to a certain degree for protection. As you grow you start to understand more and more, Think more and more still trying to understand...Hunny your g/f has been through a lot and is in need of love and understanding and a lot of caring. She is still so very young and is at the age where she will be thinking about certain thing that have happened in life and trying to work them out. Her moods may change from one day to the next, I no it took me along time to deal with my issues sexually..And it had nothing to do with not liking or enjoying sex, I was very confused, The last three years have been the better for me love but I didn't have a loving husband or partner to help me not that I expected that as it was hard enough for me being with me.. You have mentioned what you want hunny and this is totally understandable, You have had great advise from Tisha so I didn't touch on anything she said as it was all very good advise. That I suggest you do try, I just wanted you to understand why she maybe the way she is sweetheart a different point of view to help you, If you need to talk again love no probs PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Dear Poster
I have read your question, your updates and the excellent advice you have been given. I do have empathy with your situation. If you love this girl and want to make this relationship work, you will have to be very patient with her. The danger when trying to sort out sex avoidance and related problems is not just to focus on the current troubles but to also take a view of the past events that contributed to the current problems. If you don't see yourself clear to give her time and be patient, you have to bail out now to avoid further hurt for both of you. I do not think you are sexually incompatible, but I do believe this girl suffered serious trauma. This is having an affect on her and explains her behavior. I suggest she needs Emotional Stress Release for Past Trauma; it will help her to release the deep rooted issues that she is dealing with. (Inclusive of unpleasant sexual experiences in the past). It will help her to let go of the feelings and emotions attached to some of her bad experiences, which now is bottled up inside her and is probably eating away at her with feelings of guilt and much more. I do suggest you have a good talk to her as Tisha suggested, no matter how painful at first; you can overcome this problem if you are both willing to make an effort. I do think you should encourage her to go for professional help. I also think that you will both benefit from couple counseling; but only once she had trauma counseling. It sounds as if she is very inhibited and bad experiences from the past can only make it worse; no wonder she finds it easier to relax after a few drinks; it is easier to let go of inhibitions and feelings of guilt etc. The fact that she prefers you to be dominant confirms to me, that she is struggling with some feelings of guilt and is having a difficulty in letting go of past bad experiences. I am convinced that her problems are psychological (psychosexual) and that with the guidance of a good counselor she will be able to overcome her issues. I also want to stress to you that often women think and believe men are the sexual aggressors and should make the first move; they think they only need to have sex to show there love to their man; often men think if the woman does not behave sexually towards him, she does not love him ; women thinks sex is dirty, sinful and unpleasant, nice women don't seduce men; but then often men so wrongly thinks, if the woman does not behave sexually towards him, she does not love him; in life this a but a few of the unconscious things that is affecting the sexual behavior of partners and is so often causing sexual complications.
I do suggest you start some home therapy; yes, it will be difficult, but try to avoid sex (intercourse) for 3 to 4 weeks. Go back to the basics of foreplay. As Fade also suggested, get a good sexual manual, read it together, explore and get to know your bodies; learn to enjoy life and sex; Lovingly, with patients, help her to overcome her inhibitions; communicate your sexual needs, desires and fantasies and you will notice the change from copulation to intercourse.
I want to suggest the following to you:
Take the pressure off; stop having intercourse and go back to courtship. (This takes the pressure off both partners to perform).
Start with romantic games; show your love to each other in non-genital ways; increase your physical closeness (non-genital); kiss more; do things together (share in each others hobbies and interests); phone up for no reason but just to say “I love You”; leave little notes around the house where they will be found; go out with each other as if you were on an date; all this might sound stupid to you but it works well in practice.( Too often we short-circuit the courtship; go back to this even if just as a “game” and learn the value of it from the results it can bring)
A period of banned intercourse is a good time to:
Massage each other; read a good book with sexual guidance; teach each other what you like; share your fantasies and communicate. Learn to value the pleasures of companionship.
During this period of no intercourse at about week two, start masturbating in front of each other; this will helps to overcome lots of inhibitions and fears; take note of how the partner is doing it and learn from it; in the 4week you can proceed to masturbating each other but still no intercourse; after week 4 you should both be ready to proceed to intercourse.
I do hope the two of you can work things out and have these problems resolved.
Best wishes; oh and always keep SMILING.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2008):
When you have this talk, ask her why she said she wants to wait until marriage to have sex. What is it that would change for her?
And my dear, she has some serious unresolved issues, based on what you've told us about her. Did she ever get therapy when she was 8? Good grief, that alone could set you back for 20 years!!!
That incongruent behavior of conservative and shy when sober yet risque and wilder when drunk--hon, she's conflicted within herself....
And I know it's hard for guys to understand how a girl could put herself in the position of being forced to do oral not just once but what, three times? But there's a certain helplessness that women can sometimes feel that I don't think men can understand, and it's especially so when you're young and vulnerable and not as experienced in the world. Don't blame her for it, if you can manage. I think secretly you still do, because the outcome is that you don't get head.
There is nothing worse than feeling a hand on the back of your head, pushing down, when you really don't want to do oral. It IS a rape, I think, you're right there. So she blames herself, and atones by being a 'good girl' and not doing it anymore. Then see, it really wasn't her, it was all his fault and then she's not responsible for letting it happen more than once. (I think that may be how she's perceiving this.)
Wow. So this talk about how you're unhappy with the current state of your sex life, is going to morph into what it is she needs to get over some of this trauma she's experienced in her life.
So say hello to Rosie, ("you wear my ring") and fantasize until you have a roadmap for helping her through this.
I'm going to ask another aunt to post here; I hope she does.
Have you done any research about how to help victims of rape cope with things? I think there's one at rainn.org. (Rape and Incest Network or something like that.) I'll see if I can find the link.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi again - you are amazing.in terms of that orgasm, it was from behind but i was on my knees and she was lying on her side, and i penetrated her at like a 90 degree angle. get it? that position seems to have achieved the most feeling for her, and sometimes even too much and she asks to stop. it all depends. she has shown me how she likes to be touched, and to her credit was very patient with me as i learned how to give her an orgasm. to this day, if i stray from the spot she will guide my hand back. which i appreciate, though i wish i never strayed, but it happens, especially if she's wearing pants.i agree, i think the domination fantasy/alcohol thing is the key here.i think part of it is her upbringing - she's had a difficult past. she found her mom murdered when she was 8 and had to move across country to live and be raised to this day by her grandparents, who never talked to her about sex and kind of spoiled her. i think most of her girlfriends are virgins and she can only really talk about sex with guy friends, which kind of bothers me but i don't make a big deal about it cause i think we all need people like that. i think that the mom thing has undoubtedly affected all aspects of her life, how specifically it's affected her sexually, i'm not too sure yet.in terms of her sexual past, she said she was forced to go down on a guy over two years ago. i felt horrible hearing this, but then she said it happened twice more. i have found this very confusing and frankly it has upset me a bit. aside from now having that image of my love being forced to do that stuck in my head, i am angry at the guy and confused on why after the first time it happened twice more. why the hell did she even see this guy again, let alone have it happen two more times?? still though, i am sympathetic to her about it and feel horrible she had to go through with it. SO - that for sure is probably the reason towards her disinterest in giving me head. the thing is, she would do it once in a while or sometimes if i asked for the first year of our relationship, but since she told me what happened she hasn't initiated it and i haven't brought it up. i told her i would never force her to do anything, and i know she trusts me and loves me. i guess i have to just give this one patience, but i'm dying for head!another thing, a few months before we started dating, she met a guy at a bar (she went to the bar with me, by the way, as friends). she ended leaving the bar with this guy and sleeping with him. she was very drunk, barely remembered it, and never saw him again. she considers this borderline rape (i think the forced oral was rape, but she doesn't). during our relationship she went to a sex counseling group thing a few times. there were a couple times during our relationship she said she was thinking about stopping having sex until marriage and would i stay with her without the sex. a lot of time has past since those days, and as far as i know she doesn't want to stop sex altogether, and i think she is over that one night stand.(but again - a couple months after that one night stand, when she and i started sleeping together but not dating, she went on a date with a different guy and slept with him on the first date. she was drunk, and never saw him again).she is like this enigma. her actions sometimes contradict herself: sometimes, of course when drunk, she exhibits traits that one might call her a "slut", yet when sober she is very conservative and shy. when she is drunk, she talks dirty and is more open, though still never quite takes charge. i hope i don't sound selfish - obviously she has gone through some things. but i repeat - i have been so generous and not getting the same in return for so long is starting to take its toll on me. she loves me to death and wants to marry me, but i'm not sure if in our entire relationship i have ever felt truly, utterly wanted by her so much that she couldn't stand it, like the ways i've wanted to her. i even had to ask her to have sex sober because in the first few months of our relationship we only ever had sex while we drank. you have been really helpful tisha, can't thank you enough!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2008):
Hi back, that was a great follow up, thanks. Okay. Let's run through this...
Most intense orgasm. Was it by chance in doggy style? That can really push some buttons. As for the crying, yes, that can happen and it's nothing to worry about, in fact I think it's a sign that she can let go completely.
So she does masturbate and isn't hung up about talking about it. I think that's good. Has she shown you how she touches herself?
If I were in your shoes, I'd stop worrying about the G-spot. It is more important to you than it is to her. Trust me on this one, you're probably wasting your energy on it right at this point in your relationship.
Okay, the really interesting thing to me is that she has a domination fantasy and that she only gets uninhibited when she's drunk. I think that points to a woman who is afraid of letting go.
Pay attention here, this is really the crux of it, I think: The domination fantasy isn't about you doing all the work. The fantasy is about being given permission to let go. By being immobilized, she cannot 'fight back' and has no choice but to succumb to her feelings and sensations. By getting drunk, she also gives herself permission to let go, because she can't be held responsible for her actions and feelings then.
So somewhere along the line, your love has gotten into her head the notion that sex is not 'okay', that it's something she should be trying to avoid and if she's having it, it's only because she had no choice.
One thing I need to say, keep in mind that I am a complete amateur here--I'm not a trained psychologist or sex therapist or anything like that. I'm like the friend who is offering up opinions on why she's acting the way she is, and I'm doing it from my female perspective. Clear? Good.
Now that being said, there's something that has made her be rigid and controlling of her sexual response. I don't really care about her previous sexual partners. They probably haven't taken nearly the care and attention that you've done with her. I want you to shift your focus from "I'm not getting enough/It's not interesting/I'm frustrated" to "Why is it that she resists sexual activity unless it's forced on her through domination or drunkeness?"
I go back to that domination fantasy. She has that because in her mind, being tied up and forced to do things against her will means that she can just let go and not have to apologize for enjoying sexual stimulation. But when you actually do try it and she's sober, it's a bit of a shock and she resists and gets angry because the reality doesn't match the fantasy. She's resisting that because if she's sober and she lets you be dominant and make the moves, she's actually consenting. And for some reason, she doesn't feel that it's okay to consent to wild and wanton sex. Missionary is okay and no touchee or kissee the penis or vulva. And anything else is bad...
You have the task of finding out why anything other than straight missionary is bad. Overly strict parents, conservative, rigid upbringing, previous bad sexual experience. Or it may be that she simply isn't interested and doesn't really have much of a sex drive. It can happen.
So when you do talk to her, you have got to get your attitude just right. It's not just about you being frustrated with the status quo, it's really about HER. And you need to be loving and caring and gentle and accepting of what she tells you, even if it pisses you off. You're a detective trying to understand her. You are not an overly horny, frustrated sex fiend, right? Approach it this way and you may find something out. It may not be what you want to hear but keep an open mind.
Now it is up to you to have this talk. And for heaven's sake, do not do it in bed. Snuggled on the couch, with a glass of wine and some nice, soft music on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi Tisha - thanks again.
to be clear, she has never had a g-spot orgasm, not with me nor with any other partner. she has said that the most intense intercourse she has had was with me, in a couple of instances in a certain position that hit her "spot" area. she doesn't think it was a full on orgasm, but then again she doesn't know what one feels like. her reactions were VASTLY different than any other sex or orgasm i've seen her have. she even cried (a good cry) she was so overwhelmed by it.
she masturbates and is comfortable about talking about it. i finger her to orgasm each time before we make love, if i don't it's because she asked me not to because she was too sensitive at the moment, or wants to skip straight to sex.
i bought her her first vibrator recently and we use it fairly often now. it is a g-spot vibe but we haven't gotten her to have a g-spot orgasm with it yet (any advice on this?)
i really don't put too much pressure on the g-spot. once in a while i'll bring it up and try to find it but really - not that often anymore. it seemed it was a bigger deal to me than to her so i've let back on it a bit. i'm not the only one who has tried to find it with her, so i think a lot of it has to do with her and her mentality/state of mind/willingness to let it happen.
she is my first partner, and her past has kind of intimidated me a bit. the boyfriend before me was eight years older than us and it took some time for me to get over that. i have certainly taken into account my lack of experience might make me not as great a lover, that is why i have constantly made an effort to be open and communicative with her about our sex life and done quite a bit of research and tried to learn from her. it is VERY important to me to be a good lover for her...
...but it's not returned, there's no curiosity really on her part to try new things. we might be in a book store and there's a book on sex positions and i say we should get it and she says "no" and walks away.
honestly, i think the bulk of the issue is that she can be shy. we like to drink several times a week, but it's mostly on her initiative. when we drink the sex is hotter because she is less inhibited. when sober, i'll start off sex with the same intensity as when we drink (cause i never really get "drunk") but then simmer down cause her timidness in turns affects me.
her number one fantasy is domination. she wants me to take charge and "get what i want out of her". she likes to be tied up and blindfolded too. this makes perfects sense when you take into consideration HER aggressiveness, or lack of it, in bed. i think she is someone that really just wants to be with someone willing to do all the work. and while i love dominating her, it'd be nice to have a little more initiative on her part.
also, what makes her fantasy so difficult for me is she wants me to make moves and be aggressive, but any time i do she shuts me down. then she thinks i'm upset, and gets sad.
98% of the time we have sex it is when:
A. when we drink
B. after I message her, which leads to sex
C. on a weekend morning, usually only if we didn't have sex the night before.
...and rarely two days/nights in a row.
it's just starting to get....repetitive.
again, i have certainly considered i could be the problem but i have done everything i can to overcome that. i have been so open, so willing, so interested to her. if i'm not doing something to her liking, she's not telling me.
i just think sex is less important to her in a relationship than it is to me. is this something that can be truly fixed by talking about it? or is it part of our personalities, and they really can't be changed?
sorry this ended up being so long, it's just helpful to get out.
and thanks again tish for your time and help!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2008):
Hey, you're welcome. Look, I had a few more thoughts for you, and please do not take them as a criticism of your lovemaking techniques; I'm not suggesting you're a bad lover, I just want you to really THINK like she might be thinking. Okay?
So, hard as it may be for a guy to understand or even believe, some women simply do not understand their own sexual response. No, seriously. I think it's really easy for men for the most part. Grasp penis, stroke until done. Insert penis, stroke until done. (Obviously, I'm exaggerating for effect.) It doesn't necessarily work that way for women.
It's quite possible that your love has never actually had an orgasm. Do you know what a woman's orgasm looks and feels like? Are you sure? What women do in porno doesn't necessarily have anything to do with real sexual response in women. Does she ever masturbate? Has she ever shown you how she touches herself if she does?
Some women who don't actually know what an orgasm feels like or how to get one still enjoy the physical closeness and the cuddling, but have no earthly idea why they're not responding like he's expecting. Even if they have had multiple sex partners, that is no guarantee that they know how their own bodies work. Strange, but true.
So it's possible that she doesn't really know what to do, and as a result, she figures it's all in your hands, so to speak. That's kind of the expectation, that the guy is supposed to magically know what to do. And that penile penetration is enough for a woman to reach orgasm. The majority of women do not reach orgasm through intercourse alone, there generally has to be stimulation of the clitoris. You're very focused on her G-spot. Well, honey, I hate to burst your bubble, but that kind of digital exploration of her vagina, searching for that "magic button" inside her, might actually be doing zero for her. It's not to say that it's not enjoyable, but it's not something that's going to help her reach orgasm. So if I were you, I'd lay off the search for the G-spot. There's some discussion in sex research that the G-spot doesn't really exist as a separate entity. That the G-spot is actually the area in the vagina that is closest to the base of the clitoris, and THAT'S the key to the "G-spot orgasm." There certainly isn't any physiological sign of a discrete area in anatomical studies. So go figure.
Society puts all this pressure on women to have vaginal orgasms, that the vagina is the source of her sexual pleasure. BBBBZZZZZZZ. Wrong. It's about the clitoris, okay? Even the vaginal orgasms (if they truly exist, which is in doubt) perhaps stem from the stimulation of the root of the clitoris. And even more than the clitoris, is the woman's brain. And the brain can really geto in the way of just relaxing and feeling sensations.
Right, so here's an example of a woman's interior monologue.
"Oh lord, he's going to want sex. When did I shower last? Am I clean enough for this? I wish my thighs didn't look like cottage cheese, and my boobs aren't really that hot. Man, I wish he wouldn't squeeze my breasts so hard, they're NOT squishy toys. And he's touching me too hard again. I wish he would just gently stroke me for a while. I know he wants to go down on me, but I don't feel clean, and I'm way too embarassed for that. I know I should be enjoying this. So try to relax, try to relax, RELAX, DAMMIT!!!! Now I'm tense, I wish he would just finish up and let me go to sleep. I really don't know what he wants from me. I'm here, aren't I? Penises are funny looking things; I'm actually a little scared of the thing. He's so sensitive there and I know I should be touching him but I don't really want to. Sometimes he smells funky, like I do too and I don't want to put my mouth there, let alone get my nose near it. I know he wants a blow job but I don't know how it'll taste and I'm not sure I want to find out. And what if he wants to cum in my mouth? EEEWWWW, that's just gross!!! EWWW Eww ewww. Okay, I should be paying attention, he's touching me and stroking and I should be feeling something. It does feel a bit nice, but I just want to get this over with. Let me show him that I'm satisfied, sigh heavily, shake my body. Okay he's getting excited and hopefully this will be over soon. I wish wish wish I had a better body."
My point is that her brain may be engaged and this internal monologue is killing her desire, her sex drive. I think you might find that she does have a problem reaching orgasm, and it's possible that she says she's satisfied, and you take it to mean that she's reached orgasm, and she means that she's had whatever physical pleasure she's going to get from it, even though it's not orgasm, because she doesn't know what one feels like.
I say this because you said she's your first sex partner, and you might be a bit new to a woman's body and may not understand that a woman's sexual response is a bit different than a man's.
I had this problem, and it took me until my 20s to figure out how to have an orgasm. No, seriously. Really. I used a vibrator and whoa nelly! so THAT'S what an orgasm feels like. Okay, now I get what the fuss is about. Okay, now how do I do this without the vibrator. Okay, now let me show HIM.
You might try one, don't get all defensive about it, it's just a toy, it's not a replacement for you.
You could also just lie in bed and simply stroke her. I expect you've done this, but I think you need to just explore her body without urgency or pressure or expectations.
I wrote an article a while back called 'advice to young men about young women.' It's in my profile page. Click on my little picture and I think it's the first article down the page a bit. Have a read of that too. I expect I've repeated myself a bit but hey, every little helps, right?
So welcome to the weird wacky world of woman's brain.... I'll bet you're sorry you asked, aren't you?
Good luck, and I really do want to know how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow. thanks so much Tisha for the thoughtful and extremely detailed response. i will take your advice to heart and respond back here with how everything goes.thanks!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2008):
I'm going to suggest that you try to be happy with the frequency of sex you're getting. The thing is that you're trying to improve its quality, for yourself. She may be perfectly happy with what you're giving her and simply cannot see that it should be more reciprocal. Or at least she's simply not that interested in sex.
Maybe you two are sexually incompatible and I think you've got every right to question the viability of a long-term relationship if it is going to be one slowly growing resentment in you. That will lead to anger and bitterness, and I think that you're there already. And that's not a criticism, that's just my observation. I don't think it's out of line at all to ask for some variety or reciprocity in the bedroom, I just think that it's pretty clear you're not going to get it from this particular woman. I don't think that cheating is going to make you feel any better about it and will lead to major problems if you're ever discovered. That and the risk of being exposed to something outside and bringing it home to her. Not good.
So how do you approach this? You know, I don't think you're going to be able to have this conversation without some crying or upset from her. The thing you have to do is be completely calm and loving even while she's having a meltdown. That is the only way you'll get through it to the outcome, whatever it may be.
She may be a very conservative person, either having been brought up in a strict household that never talked about sex or one that treated it as 'dirty' and that any variation from strict missionary was completely verboten. That might be fixable, if she's willing, but she has to want to work on it.
She may have had some kind of trauma that has taken the pleasure out of physical intimacy. Abuse, attempted rape or actual rape, a sexual assault of some kind. The thing that I've gleaned about this is that you cannot pressure her into talking about it if it has happened. She has to open up to you. But I would ask her that question during this difficult discussion you're going to have.
I'd plan to have the talk after dinner one night when you're both at home and not stressed on any of the day's events or work. Have some water and tissues ready, just in case.
Tell her that you need to talk with her about something that is really difficult for you to bring up, but you feel it's important. It's possible that it will damage your relationship with her and you want to try to get it resolved or at least out in the open for further discussion. [you have to come up with your own words here, I'm just giving you your talking points] Don't say, 'you make me feel...' say 'I feel....' Don't use any blame words or superlatives, like 'you never' or 'you always' or words along those lines.
So you need to get across:
You love her
You really want to work this out with her
You desire her and find her sexy and beautiful
You're not interested in another woman, you're interested in HER
You feel rejected by her apparent lack of interest in sex (but 3-5 times a week shows she's not unwilling, so it's not that, is it? never mind that)
You feel rejected by her not ever touching you spontaneously or ever initiating or taking charge (again, watch the never/always words, if she has done it once or twice, tone it down)
You feel that you are doing most of the work and wonder what would happen if you didn't
Ask her what she likes about your lovemaking, then LISTEN
Ask her what she doesn't like about your lovemaking, then really LISTEN
Rephrase her words back to her to check that you understand what she's trying to say
If you go into this with a head of steam and anger and resentment burning out of you, you're going to get nowhere. You need to approach this with some humility and gentleness, tenderness and concern.
We women are funny, we want our men to desire us, but then we want to decide when and where and how he gets to show us that desire. Sometimes, animal sex is just great, but often we don't want to be pawed or treated like some receptacle. Dirty talk can sound funny and strange and may put us right off, or it can be so ridiculous that it kills the mood for us. We can feel like our private parts are ugly or strange or smelly and cannot relax enough to simply feel that he's not judging everything. We are so judgemental of our own physical appearance that we focus on the flaws. You have to get across that you ADORE her body and all its individuality. She may be severely self-conscious about her body and her sexual response. Some women do not like letting go, losing control, just FEELING everything with trying to think or overthink things.
The no-massage from her, my guess is that she thinks its going to lead to sex and she simply doesn't want to start it. She might be willing to give you a massage if she knows it'll just be that, a massage. I'll bet you're sitting there thinking, well, of course that's the point of the massage, to get her wanting me! And she's thinking, oh, lord, if I start rubbing his back he's going to want me to rub his front and I simply am not interested.
So you have a lot to discuss and you need to realize that this conversation is a two-way discussion. You obviously have some points to get across to her, and you need to really pay attention to what she's saying to you.
Don't fight about it, it's not going to help. Stay calm, no matter how provoking she might get about this. Don't let the discussion end without an embrace and gently hold her if needed.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the response FADE
i'm not saying i'm good, i'm saying i try to be as good for her as i can, and she says she is satisfied.
i think you are on the right track about the confidence thing, but she has had way way more experience than me. she is my first and only lover and before me she had plenty of sex, among other things. that's why i am confused. if confidence about sex was a problem for her, then being with me should have helped that, liberated that, right?? i dunno, i could be off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the first female anonymous poster: you are ridiculous. i shouldn't have to defend myself to you, but i will. i do love her, and i am the most amazing boyfriend to her. i think for two young (22) people who are in love and who LIVE TOGETHER, we could be having more sex, though if you read my post you'd know the amount of sex we have wasn't exactly the issue. and my friend tells me about HIS sex life, I don't tell him about mine. and if you think guys stop talking about sex, women, and their sex lives with women at 14 you are sadly, sadly mistaken. it seems like you are taking the bitterness of some part of your own life out on me.
to the other two responders: thank you for your thoughtful answers, and i appreciate to get such mature comments about a guy's issues from females. i do think, Aunt Nicky, all men need a blow job now and then, and i'm glad you recognize that. just like all women (or i guess not mine) need some good head too.
but again, my point is that i give so much for her sexually but don't get the same effort back. the love you take is equal to the love you make, right? i guess i need to give this one last conversation and see what happens, and then if not much changes start winding things down. in my opinion, sex IS a very important part of a loving relationship. we are both still young, and it won't be fair to either of us to settle for what we have (in the bedroom) for forever.
but any specific advice on how to bring this sort of conversation up? on how to talk about it sensitively?
thanks -
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (1 December 2008):
You have brought this up before so she knows you are not happy.
She just seems to not be the type of girl who is into sex that much.
Stop putting so much pressure on her and chill out about everything else.
I think in the long run you are going to have to break up because you can't stay in a relationship with someone who is sexually compatible. But stop putting in all the effort hoping that she will pay you back for it.
This is a horrible problem and I'm sorry not to be able to help you more but it seems you have tried everything you can.
Don't lead her on and talk about marriage or anything and wind things down.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, Aunt Nicky +, writes (1 December 2008):
 Hi, you obviously love this girl very much and are clearly
giving her your whole heart. If she won't talk about sex then you are in a very difficult situation. I have just came out of a 21 year relaitionship and the reason it failed was because my partner refused to talk openly about issues which resulted in them piling up and never getting resolved, eventually leading to the break up...This is similar, either she is selfish or she doesn't realise how much this is affecting you. Sex is a very important part of a loving relationship, you are just going to have to sit her down at a time not just after sex and tell her how much this is bothering you.... If she is unwilling to listen to you and try some new things and be more openly loving to you then maybe she is not the one for you....Hope this helps. Whatever you do don't just accept it, all men need a blow job, it's standard...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): you are shocking. it is a wonder that you even have a girl at all. you say you love her???? all you have done is moan and run the girl down. you have sex 3-5 times a week and its not enough? you sound sex obsessed mate. but meanwhile you big yourself up about what a great boyfriend you are,you cant be serious? the most worrying thing is you say your mate discusses the details of his sex life? what age are you, 14? get a grip. if your girl knew you done this she would be devastated not to mention disgusted. with your sex obsession you'd be better paying to go to a brothel, where women are just sex objects. you ought to grow up.
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