A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi well I’m 14 going on 15 and I’m very insecure I’ve always been overweight but not that much overweight. I’m 165 pounds I gained 30+ pounds in a year. I’ve been trying to lose but no success. I’m also very much unattractive. I feel very much useless. I’ve been told I was ugly and looked like a man. I’m black and mostly attracted to white guys and most white guys aren't really attracted to black girls, which is also another reason my self esteem is so low. I can’t help but put myself down and isolate myself from the few friends I do have. I can’t stop comparing myself to other prettier girls than me and I hate seeing them happy with their boyfriends or whatever. I kind of have a very noticeable mustache and I wear glasses. My skin is very uneven and untoned. I try to boost my self esteem but it always ends up being in the negatives. I try to blame my low self esteem on psychological problems but that’s not it. I keep getting annoyed by it. I don’t know what to do! Please help me!
View related questions:
insecure, overweight, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LustyLisa +, writes (1 March 2011):
You really need a GYN and Endocrinology workup and the sooner the better. Everything you've discribed sounds like PCOS-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and the sooner you receive treatment, the better. If left untreated, can lead to not only infertility but more unwanted facial hair, weight gain, etc. There may even be a pituitary and thyroid gland involvement with PCOS which has other health consequences as well.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Another, totally free, option for the mustache is to pick the hairs one by one.
The hairs when you shave them won't grow out thicker. That's a common thing to say, but what actually happens is you cut the hair in the middle, meaning when they grow out you get the hard stubbles from where the hair was cut. The tip of the hair is often thinner and finer. But a normal hair on the body, except for hair under your arms (often), crotch and head, live for about 4 weeks, and then it drops off. Then a new hair grows. So within 4 weeks-6 weeks after shaving the mustache it'd be back to how it originally was. But I understand the argument for not shaving it, perhaps that was bad advice, I don't have first hand experience with removal of facial hairs.
The mustache wont necessarily grow at the speed of the mustache of a man, but depending on how fast it grows you wont have to use so much money on waxing it either. And there are home waxes available. But like mentioned, make sure it's for SENSITIVE skin, or for removing facial hair.
Picking out the hairs one by one is the longest taking option, but actually the very best one. Because then you wont irritate the skin, you don't get the stubbles, and it's better than a wax because you get ALL the hairs.
People pick their eyebrows into shape all the time, it's no different. After a short time you get used to the sting. If you stretch the skin while picking it doesn't hurt, and you get a better grip at the hairs.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): Hi there,
Okay, I'll cut straight to the chase - if you're overweight, do not try crash dieting. My sister and bestfriend both did and they both piled on more weight and became grouchy and depressed in the process. I'm not friends with that girl anymore. Her dieting became her obsession and she pushed me away despite trying to help her. You have to eat exactly the same amount, and slowly replace the unhealthy foods with nutrious foods. Crisps are really fatty and oily, stick away from them. Do not cut down completely on sugar or fat, you need them to survive. You also need a good combination of exercise to lose weight and become toned. You don't want to be skinny because it implies you have no muscle. You want a good proportion of muscle. Sit-ups are really effective. Try twisting from side to side when you sit up. Join the gym, a dance class, anything that motivates you. If your skin isn't great, drink lots and lots of water. Actually, most products for faces don't work for example - 'cleansers' and 'toners'. I'm really fortunate and have great skin, but i find if i use either of those, it brings me out in spots straight away. Use facewipes to remove make up and then a lightweight moisturiser that doesn't have too many oils in it. Nuts are good for skin, even though they're fatty. You are not ugly. No one is ugly. Do not shave that moustache.It will become stubbly. Everyone has facial hair, it's just that some people's is darker and thicker. Good Luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Just to point out on what chigirl said about the hair on your top lip, whatever you do, DON'T shave it!!! It'll just grow back thicker and darker, like a mans beard!!! Waxing can be painful, and if it needs doing often, can be pretty costly (especially if you don't have a lot of money to hand) An advantage is that the hair grows back thinner and finer, therefore less noticable, and you do get used to the pain after a while.
Another option is to buy a facial hair removal cream from a known beauty store (don't know what the american equivalent of Boots is) Make sure it is a FACIAL hair removal cream, as this will be for sensitive skin, any other kind could be too strong and damage the skin on your face. You apply the cream, leave it on for a short amount of time - 5 maybe 10 mins maximum - then wash it off and the hair is gone.
I love the idea about getting some new glasses, the right style can really make you stand out from the crowd!!! People are so cruel these days, don't let them beat you down. Get plenty of exercise, get out more, walking if you can to start with. As chigirl says, watch what you eat, plenty of fruit and veg to keep you going. Carrot sticks, apple slices, grapes, cherries etc are all great snacks to have during the day and they are good for you too!!!
All the best hun, take care of yourself :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): agree with that "youwish" just be open with the issues u have with the family or friends keeping things inside isnt healthy, wax the mustache, and with the help of your doctor you can make the hair stop growing, glasses arent a big deal some guys find that attractive i dont wear glasses but i do wear fake ones every now and then for my bf he finds them attractive, being over weight.. not easy to do but u can lose it or u can just accept urself the way u are and the once people c that u have they will accept u too, i am a bit overweight i askd my bf would u love me if i was bigger he said " id love u more" i personally found it cute, and u too can find someone who will love u no matter what.... best of luck [:
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 February 2011):
Im going to give you practical advice. Although you also need a lot of prep talk and self esteem boosters, and mental work on your own part. The only way to get a good self esteem is to believe in yourself. But you can read up on strategies for that online, or read other questions about that on this site. There are plenty who struggle with self esteem issues.
However I will give you some practical advice. Things you can actually do something about. First off: you are only a teenager. You are developing. It sounds lame, but many who are ugly ducklings in their teenage years turn into gorgeous and beautiful women once fully matured. Thinking you are ugly now does not mean you will always look the way you do. Your weight can change, your glasses will, your body type will change, and your hairstyle, and your clothes, and your style. And what else will change is your social status: you'll most likely find a wonderful man who will look at pictures of you when you were a teenager and think you looked absolutely gorgeous.
That was just the starter. You'll not always look like this. So just keep that in mind.
Second, you said you tried to loose weight. Black women, to my knowledge please don't take offense anyone, have a different body type than the typical white girls. They gain weight on their bums, and thighs. Not sure if that's your case, but do consider that where you gain the weight is due to genetics! Some gain it on their hips, some on the thighs, some on their breasts (lucky women) and some on their bellies etc. That part you can not change, and if you want to make one part of you skinnier you have to loose weight overall. You live in the USA. The USA is on top in struggling with overweight. I've been there, and lived there for a while, and I know that the foods and culture you have there doesn't really promote anything but weight gain. For one it was impossible to find any dish in a restaurant without cheese in it!
Second, diet coke doesn't work. Don't drink coke at all. Don't eat snacks, not even light snack, or diet snacks, or whatever they call it. A snack is a snack, and if you're on a diet you need to cut it all out no matter if it says "low fat" on the package or not. It's a sales trick, it's not for real. Be aware of what you eat! Home cooked meals are the best way to control what you actually get into your system. You could also look up recipes for food from Europe, we have a slimmer diet than the Americans. No offense, again, but I've seen what's in the food stores over there. Pancakes are desert, not breakfast, and especially not when drowned in syrup. Not saying that you are, but I've seen American breakfasts and that seems to be the way many go about it.
Watch what you eat! If not for loosing weight then at least you will control your weight and not gain more. Don't just eat anything you find in the store, check what you eat, and don't buy into the "diet-coke" version of a diet. Drinking coke, or any soda, is a no-no if you want to drop the pounds.
Third, your glasses. Have you considered getting new glasses, some that fit your face in a nice way? Some that make you look good, and that you feel comfortable wearing? Glasses can be a great accessory, they're not a bad thing. Many people look great with glasses on. You just need to find the pair that is right for you! The option is also there to get contacts instead of glasses. It's practical and will make you feel better if you absolutely hate your glasses. Once you get older, get a good income and can afford it, there is laser surgery available to correct poor eyesight. Then you won't have to ever wear glasses again.
Fourth, the mustache. Shave it. Or better yet wax it, or even better: get it waxed at a salon. You're not the only woman in the world with a mustache, it's quite common to have the upper lip waxed. Again, once you get old enough and can afford it there is laser treatment for this too! If you feel it's becoming unbearable.
Fifth, your skin. Do you wear make-up? Does your parents approve of you wearing make-up? Does your mother wear it, can she show you how to use it? A good foundation will cover up unevenness or bumps, or colour differences. It will make your skin even and flawless. You can go to a beauty salon, or store, and ask if they do make-overs. Most nicer stores give you a make-over for a price, or a free makeover if you buy some of their products. Just check with them first to see if they have it available, the nicer stores would be the better option. Go with a friend and get one together for example, it could be fun. They will teach you how to use make-up, and what make-up would be good for your skin-type and facial structure.
Sixth, you didn't mention it as a problem, but have you looked into hair styles? A bad hairstyle will hide your best features, a good one will make you look like a model. A good hairdresser will be able to tell you what suits your facial structure, but the best thing is to look into this yourself. Google it, or cut out a picture of your face and place it on different pictures with hairstyles to see what would look nice on you.
Seven.. this might be un-relevant, but do you wear bra's? The correct bra makes the world of the difference for how you feel. It's like getting a new set of breasts once you find the perfect bra. Figure out your right size by measuring yourself. There's online charts for this, google it! Then go to a nice store where they sell good bra's, not some cheap stuff on sale, but the good stuff! I know it might be expensive, but in round one you're just there to try it out and feel the difference. Most women wear the wrong bra size! Most women wear them too large around, and one cup size too small. If you're in a good store they should be able to help you with finding the right size for you.
Getting clothes that actually fit you and look good on you helps a lot. But starting with finding a good bra makes all the difference. Read this site on finding the perfect bra, and what signs the bra you are currently wearing isn't your correct size: http://www.epigee.org/bra.html
Good luck! Remember you won't look like what you do now forever, you change, and people around you change as well. Within a few years you might find yourself surrounded by great friends who think you are absolutely fantastic, and perhaps a great guy in your life as well. Just hold on tight to the good friends you already have! Don't push people away!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Actually, I have an idea you might not have thought about. If you're having a noticeable mustache, and you've suddenly started gaining weight (and you're not eating nasty high-fat, high-grease, sugar-binge food), you might want to ask your mom to have you looked at at the doctor. A hormone imbalance could very well explain everything, including the mustache, weight gain, and even the depression issues.
No matter what though, you have to take care of yourself, and to do that, you must love yourself. While you're at the doctor, see if you can get him or her to refer you to a diatition and some ideas for a good healthy exercise regimen, because good eating and good moving will really REALLY boost your mood and make you feel incredible.
Good luck!
...............................
|
