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I hated my job so I quit and now my husband is very unhappy with me

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 May 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 9 May 2015)
A female France age 26-29, *nlyU writes:

hello everyone , it's been a while since I have been here....

I have got married recently and I was so happy to finally find the man of my dreams ...

but couples' real life is a entire different thing that what I've expected... We have money difficulties, and I have been unemployed for several months now and still searching for a job; so I felt the need to accept a job far below my profile and I hated it, everyday I wake up hating that I must go to that awful job and most of the people there didn't want me to work with them and tried for the 2 passed months to get me out... so finally I got out, I quit, and my husband's reaction was uglier then what I have expected, he looks at me like I have done a very terrible and selfish thing and he's basically not talking to me and I really feel trapped and alone ....... don't know what to do

View related questions: money, trapped

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (9 May 2015):

CindyCares agony auntWell, you could not really expect that your husband would jump for joy, could you ?

You say " money difficulties ", I do not know to what extent. If you mean that without your slary you can't afford a vacation, or dining out occasionally, or saving a little money monthly- that's bad enough, but , so be it.

But if you mean that you NEED a dual income to pay your rent and bills and food .... what you did is reckless. It took you a while to get a job, and after just 2 months you quit it because you don't like it and are overqualified for it ?! The brutal truth is that in a situation of meny troubles, you just can't afford to leave the old job without having secured yourself a new one- oor at least having excelent propspects to find a new one soon. Whether you like the job or not, - you just tough it out, because any other choice is irresponsible and selfish.

If really, really you suffered SO much in that job that you risked your physical health / mental sanity ( somehow I doubt it, after just 2 months ) you should at least have talked to your husband, and explained him your reasons before quitting.

I am not surprised that he is not super happy about having to be the sole provider without having expressely agreed to do so beforehand, for the indisclosed legth of time which will take you to get your ideal job. I think that if the role were reversed, you'd be upset too.

What you do now, is to start at once looking for another job, and this time with a pinch of realism more. It sucks working below the level of what you can do, true, but , in the current economy, that's what lots of peole have to do. Particularly if they are already struggling financially. when you'll be a little more setlled and solid moneywise, THEN you can allow yourself to be finickt , and to pick and choose.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (8 May 2015):

janniepeg agony auntMost people are working a job that's below them. Believe it or not, your appearance and attitude affects the whole workplace. If you look like you hate your job, and that you are better than them then your coworkers would not want to see you there. You should keep applying to whatever's available, even babysitting for now. If your husband really needs a duo income then you can't afford to hate any job.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (8 May 2015):

YouWish agony auntSo, you've spent several months out of a job, then found one and didn't like it, so you just quit without talking to your husband about it?? He's right to be upset with you. You can't just quit a job when it suits you when you have responsibilities, and paying living expenses like food, utilities, shelter, insurance...those are all expenses. Have you been living off of your husband's income when you were out of a job, and now that you've quit, is that what you were hoping to do again for several more months?

It's not fair to him, especially if you've had financial difficulties. He's been carrying all of the load while you've been out of work, and not liking a job or not liking your co-workers is an immature reason to quit. You weren't fired or laid off, which can pay benefits to the household.

Your husband may view you as a freeloader who doesn't care about the financial well-being of the household. What if your husband just quit his job without telling you, cutting off his income? Could you survive? How would you feel? That sort of decision isn't just for one person to make when you're married.

Sorry, but your husband is in the right here. You can't just do that when you're married and you need your income to get out of financial trouble. You should have lined up another job before quitting the one you had.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015):

I've got to be honest I can feel your husbands annoyance. Life isn't always going to be exactly how you imagine it and marriage certainly isn't all roses around the door and happily ever after.

Whilst I would always advocate trying to do what makes you happy sometimes you have to put up with some crap - such as getting up and making a job work you simply don't like. Your husband did not marry you expecting to support you, while he works and you do not. You might not have liked your job but you were fortunate to have one and relationships are a lot easier when there isn't additional pressures - like money worries.

What would happen if your husband just quit his job like you did? Would you still have a roof over your head? He might despise his job but he's sticking at it to make a living and ensure you both eat etc... He is entitled to feel a bit annoyed, especially if you didn't talk to him about quitting before you did it. Or even if you did maybe he just assumed you would stick it out and found something you really wanted to be doing.

In hindsight, you should have found another job before just quitting one you don't like. But now you have to just make the best of the situation. I think you need to apologise and acknowledge you acted hastily and that you realise you should have found something else first. Show your husband you are trying your hardest to get a job. Whilst you might have felt your old job was beneath you - having a job is better than being unemployed and I think you should try and remove some of that snobbery around what job you take. I can talk from experience that I have done jobs no one would want to do but it made ends meet and enabled me to gain valuable life skills that I can credit for helping make me a more rounded individual - and definitely makes me stand out when I apply for jobs over others because it's clear you have a strong work ethic if you've taken on tougher jobs.

No one should be unhappy everyday, but now you have pressure on yourself to find something fast. Decide what job you want and apply for every single one you see advertised. Expect rejection letters or even no reply but if your genuinely given the applications your best then you will end up succeeding. Getting back into work will make you feel less alone, as you'll be getting out and socialising again.

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A female reader, MSA United States +, writes (8 May 2015):

MSA agony auntI would suggest talking or writing him a letter letting him know how unhappy you were at the job. Let him know you've tried your very best but just could not keep the job.

At the same time, look for something else. Try signing up with job agencies.

Sometimes, you just have to take on something temporarily until a better position becomes available.

Good Luck!

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A female reader, Kat_21 United States +, writes (8 May 2015):

Hi there.

It takes a brave person to quit a job they hated and start over.

I think you did the right thing by quitting as far as your husband goes he sounds pretty childish to stop talking to you. Did you explain to him how awful the job was and how unhappy you were, I'm sure he had to have seen it.

What you need to do is keep looking for another job and take whatever comes your way that way you can get of the house more and start talking to people and stat feeling like you are needed and not alone. So don't go and put yourself down kiddo. Things are going to get better :)

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (8 May 2015):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Your husband is right. I am not saying that because I am a man also...But you NEVER leave a job unless you have found another one first.

Better to have some income no matter if it's "far below my profile and I hated it," than to have no income at all.

Using emotions (hate, jealousy, anger) to make important decisions will always result in the wrong one.

When working with those emotions, it always come back to your case, your husband.

No job is below your profile if you need to eat. As long as the job is it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015):

Well,I kinda understand you and I understand him...

His reaction was not gracious, true, but, on the other hand, you've put all the worry on him (as he's still working?) to provide for everything...

You say you have money troubles? Well, MONEY can destroy even the strongest relationship, even the strongest type of love.

At least, sadly from what I've seen it can.

I understand you hated it, but sometimes we do things we hate to SURVIVE.

Can you answer this: IF you were not working and NOT married WOULD you be able to live as you live now? i.e. in the same house, with the same comforts (i.e. not worrying too much about food, bills,etc. - yes, you worry but with a wage coming in you can at least meet the essentials?)

If there's good social security in France (I have no idea if there is or not)- and you can have the same "lifestyle" till you find something "proper" that you do not hate, then ok, your husband reaction's overrated.

IF he is now WHOLLY responsible for both of you, you've put an enormous amount of strain and pressure on him.

Yes, he should take care of you when you need it (I see that as you see it I suppose) and I believe in the "In sickness and health, for poorer for richer", but you should take care of him too. If his job is not one he "loves" either (but does it anyway) do you see what position you've put him in?

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