A
female
age
30-35,
*arnes66
writes:One of my co worker pointed out that I had put on weight in front of other 2 co workers that she works with on her overnight shifts. Then she was like ``Canadians don't want to be told ``with smile on her face. Then she had the nerve to ask me if I was still wearing the same clothes since she thought I had put on enough weight to change sizesObviously I was offended by her comment and I told her that she should never tell anyone that they put on weight. Then she was like what?with surprised expression on her face then I told her that I was hurt by her comment. Then she was ``i`m sorry, why didn't you tell me ``?like wtf how could she not know that ? I feel like deep down she knows that its not something anyone wants to hear because right after she made that weight comment she kept looking at me like she wanted to see my facial expressionwhenever she sees me she always say good morning,hi etc and I answer back just to be polite. However, we were very friendly towards each other before the incident but after her comment I haven't felt the same way about her .I cant help it but I don't like her anymore despite her trying to be friendlyI have lost the weight I gained since. At that time I started going to the gym and watching my diet so obviously I was already aware that I had put on weight. Her insensitive comment cut the core and hurt me badly .I have lost the weight again.I go out of my way to avoid her which is easy since she works night shifts and I work days. Today when I got on the floor she worked nights, she was standing by the elevator with another co worker while me and the other co worker down the hall. She and the other girl smiled and said bye at us but I looked and looked away while my other co worker waved at both of them. I have no interest in talking to her whatsoever.I am friendly towards everyone at work since I have no reason to dislike them.Fortunately we work opposite shifts so we never work together. I would be professional and talk to her about work related things if I were to work with herIs it wrong to snub and ignore her when she says hi to me in parking lot and elevators etc
View related questions:
at work, co-worker Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2015): some africans especially nigerians can be very rude, nonetheless if she wants to live peacefully in this part of the world she needs to get some manners. This isnt about your self esteem as someone else has said, it is about being trested with respect and about (her) being professional and appropriate in the workplace
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): your reaction suggests weight is a huge part of your personal self esteem. You will be surprised to find out that to many other people it is an issue of no consequence and does not imply failure, lack of success or lack of mental discipline.
...............................
A
female
reader, Barnes66 +, writes (11 May 2015):
Barnes66 is verified as being by the original poster of the question She is African.If she was concerned about my health then she should talked to me privately not embarrassed me in front of other people like that.also how is another co worker weight your business or concern?Its not like people are not aware of it when they gained weight.Even if you don't weigh yourself,your clothes will tell you.Its not rocket sience.We don't need a co worker or anyone else to comfirn that.I don't know what places where its accepatable to insult and embarrass other peopleWhen it comes to weight gain most people are sensitive about it.It was quite hurtful what she said and unneccessary - because I know my body . In our society this is even worse - because the mass media often associate weight gain with lazyness, a lack of discipline and failure. So commenting on someone weight hurts on two levels, it shows the person that her or his attraction "decreased" but also that his mental strength and personality.Also you don't know whats going on in someone else life and And you dont know why the other person has put on weight - maybe my boyfriend broke up with me and I was depressed, Maybe was struggling with myself or and stopped caring the "usual" fitness hype anymore.They are just many reasons for people gaining weight rapidly. lack of activity from an injury is one is also another one. I usually think of medications that can do this that can be treating a serious illness (including cancers and brain tumors).Is it okay to point out when someone has bad acne?Is it okay to point out when a cancer patient is losing hair?Is it okay to point out when an older person is getting wrinkles?Let me tell you something,several years I go I gained weight when I was working for different company because I started working nigh shifts. I wasn't used to my knew schedule so all I did was sleep and eat.I stopped going to the gym.I was tired all the time so food and sleep was my comfort.As a result I gained weight in 2 months.No one said anything at work and I really appreciated it.I was aware that I gained weight since my jeans couldn't fit me anymore and my work pants was too tight.I coudnt even button pants from work anymore. I lost the weight again when I went back to day shifts. I was able to exercise and stopped eating late at night. My weight has always fluctuates depending on my activity level.Anyways back to the main topic.My co worker knew what she said was hurtful. she knew. At first I would respond when she says hi just be polite but then it really sunk in afterwards then I thought about what a jerk move on her part a) talk about my weight gain [which is shameful in our society ] and (b) do so in a public setting. I therefore decided to ignore her due to her hurtful behavior. No one in their right mind would think that they comment on someone else weight gain in front of other people without seriously offending the other person.I have decided that her lack of basic human decency she showed makes her unworthy of even the simplest interactions. I am entirely justified in my decision not to have anything to do with her. I go out of my way to avoid her and her offense comes to mind every time I see her. I will only talk to her about work related issues but thank god we never work together. I lost the weight again and I get compliments from people from work all the time. Obviously these people noticed that I had gained weight but where considerate not to point that out. I really appreciate it. No one wants to hear that.........
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2015): Where is she from? I've lived in several places where it's common for people to comment on weight, to them it is not rude, it is them looking out for your health/appearance.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 May 2015):
 Actually I did not suggest that you should associate with this person or hang out or be buddies, just that you showed her that minimal degree of civility that's customary in a workplace. It's not about what "interests " you, it's about what's appropriate. Two wrongs do not make a right, and, if she was indelicate , by being impolite you are not taking such a great revenge - you are just acting as incorrectly as her, and giving her ammo by showing how easily she can wind you up and push your buttons.
I know perfectly that weight / looks is a sensitive issue for mostly everybody, including myself- I am only human - but I also think that we should pick our battles, and learn not to take ourselves so seriously. I don't know if you realize the kind of terms you have used in your submittal ,but.... " disdain " ? " body- SHAMED ? " "enemy " ??... If it was a newspaper headline, one should think it's some international crisis requiring an United Nations arbitrate, not a clueless colleague making a tactless comment about weight
Real fact read on yesterday's newspaper :
in Holland a political activist yelled " Fuck the King ! " right into the microphones of a Tv crew covering a parade. Now , they still have a 19th century law there about lese majesty, which in practice is never enforced. But, the dumbass shouted his "comment " right on camera, not leaving the police their usual option to turn a blind eye, so he was prosecuted and condemned to a hefty fine. Which, he refuses to pay, so the fine will have to be converted into several months of jail. At which point , all Holland is up in arms clamoring for the abolition of such an anacronistic law. King Wilhelm Alendaxer, of course, never commented , but reliable palace sources say that he shrugged it off, has no time for what some random idiot says, and if the law will be abolished - great idea, just fine with him. And, he is the KING !
Jeez, it sounds some sort of crisis
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (10 May 2015):
 OP: (Barnes): Your follow-ups "tell" me that you are spending 'way too much time and energy looking for drama.... and I wonder if that compromises the time and energy that you focus on your job.... No more from this Uncle....
...............................
A
female
reader, Barnes66 +, writes (10 May 2015):
Barnes66 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEven if she is one of those people who have no filter and say things before they think, I still woudnt want to associate myself with her or be around her because what else she is going to say again without intending to be hurtful? I don't know what nasty comment she would say againAnyways , I don't think a person could be that clueless. She is a grown woman not a naive teenager who don't know better. I know she knew what she was doing. Right after she commented on my weight, she was like"Canadians don't want to be told"with a smile on her face.She knows that no one wants to be told that they gained weight. I could also tell by her body language right after that she knew that what she said wasn't a nice thing to say because she kept looking at me afterwards at facial expression.It was more like, I noticed that you gained weight and I am going to call you out on it.I don't care if you want to hear it or not.I am going to say it.That was the vibe I got from her.Really I just have no interest talking to her.Like what I said in my ealier post, I would talk to her when its absolutely necessary. Fortunately we work opposite shifts so we don't work together. Not everyone at my work says hi to me or everyone. There are some people who don't even talk to anyone unless its necessary.It doesnt bother me.On the other hand, me and this co worker were friendly towards each other before her comment. She continues to say hi when she sees me I would prefer if says nothing. I now have zero interest in talking to her.So I am not ignoring her to punish her but I am just not interested in talking to her.If it hurts her feelings then that's just too bad.Hopefully she will learn that you can't just say what's in your mind and expect everything to be okay.I have had a situation with a guy from work who used to be friendly and he just stopped talking to me for no reason. He would respond when I say hi but I could tell he has no interest in talking to me.If I don't say hi, he won't say anything. I could also get that negetive vibe around him.I never did anything to him.My other co worker also has a situation with another with another co worker who doesn't talk to her.She even called in sick when she knew she was working with her.Thats how much she dislikes her.However, my coworker didn't do anything to her.The other co worker shows hatred towards her for no reason.In my case this co worker humiliated , insulted and body shamed me in front of other people. She deserves my disdain and I wouldn't feel bad ignoring her.I am friendly towards everyone at work but this co worker went out of her way to make an enemy out of me.What does expect
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 May 2015):
Maybe it would not be " wrong " but it would be like shooting at flies with a cannon. The punishment does not befit the crime.
Ok, obviously your colleague had a foot-in-mouth moment while she should have known better. Then again, why are you so sure she had bad intentions ? maybe she is just one of those airheaded types who talk with no filter ; maybe she overrated your degree of intimacy and allowed herself the kind of benevolent ribbing which is tolerated among close friends. After all she did not call you a rub of lard !, she just noticed that you had gained some weight . Yes, weight is a sensitive issue for most people- and still ,what she said does not exactly qualifies ,IMO, as lese majesty.
Now, being that a " hi " or " hallo " does not mean " we are friend forever " , but just : I aknowledge your existence in my social landscape , - so normally it is not denied to anybody - denying it to a work colleague is like ... declaring war. Saying : I am erasing you. You don't even exist in my eyes. A very aggressive move, and generally not the smartest one in ANY work environment.
So, back to the intentions : if she did not have bad intentions when she made that comment, she'll be unjustly mortified.
If she DID have the intent to hurt you and humiliate you- your reaction will show her clear as daylight that she SUCCEEDED- that she cut deep into your self esteem , and that her words had power over you.
Either way , isn't just better to show some class and nonchalance , and let drop a " hi " when you cross paths ?
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (10 May 2015):
you dont owe her anything, so if you dont wish to speak to her then dont.... Unless it is absolutely necessary (something work related). Apart from that ignore her existance. She knew what she was doing, she deliberately tried to embarrass you and she had no business making personal comments about your appearance, let alone in front of others. Totally blank her and dont let losers like her make you feel bad about yourself. I have been in similar situations so I know how hurtful and unnecessary those jibes can be.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
 EDIT...
I would like a person like that or want to BE around her, but..
Should have read...
I wouldn't like a person like that or want to BE around her, but..
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
I don't think either of us said you had to GO OUT of your way to talk to her. But you are at work, so private dislikes doesn't (or shouldn't) interfere with your PROFESSIONAL job.
And I DO think if you start to ignore her, she will up the ante. Find other ways to either poke fun of you or bully you.
This is why I would stick to saying hi & bye - NO MORE. IF she tries to chat, I'd walk away pretending to be OH SO busy elsewhere.
I would like a person like that or want to BE around her, but.. I was raised to have manners. Saying hi & bye (no more then that) will SHOW her that she can't phase you. (even if her words hurt) YOU know she said what she said ON PURPOSE. Even if she has NO social skills, EVERYONE knows you don't go around calling others fat or whatever.
But it is up to you. I just think (personally) that ignoring her is childish and petty. Refusing to be her friend, now THAT I get.
Do what you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, Barnes66 +, writes (9 May 2015):
Barnes66 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response but why would I go out of my way to talk to someone who publicly embarrassed me and insulted me? That's not the kind of friend I want.Its a good thing we work opposite shifts but if I were to work with her I would only talk to her when its necessary.
I just have no interest in talking to her.If she cares about me then why would she go out of her way to be hurtful? We were always friendly towards each other before the incident. I never did anything to her.
I just don't like her anymore.it is what it is
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
I agree with Sage, don't use "ignore" with her - that would be passive-aggressive.. Instead say hi, be polite, don't stop and talk, if she tries to chat just say sorry busy and walk away, KEEP doing that while SEEMINGLY professional and MAYBE she will learn that she can't AFFECT you at all.
SHE knew what she was doing. She knew what she was saying wasn't a nice thing to say. Either she was testing her limits with you or testing you to see if you are someone easy to bully...
DO NOT stoop to her level of bad manners and crude behavior.
So remain professional and polite. BUT no one says you have to have ANY conversations beyond hi and bye with her.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2015):
You ask: "Is it wrong to snub and ignore her when she says hi to me in parking lot and elevators etc..."
No... it's not "wrong".... but it IS unnecessary.... You MUST be polite.... because THAT is "right."
Choose the battles you want to fight, in life... and this doesn't sound like one that's worth your time and/or energy.
How about being even a little "nicer" than is necessary.... and re-kindle the friendship that you and this woman used to have. It only takes a "let's go get a cup of coffee..." to have an opportunity to (re-) open what's gone on between the two of you... to give her an opportunity to apologize for hurting your feelings.... AND then re-start whatever you and she had....
Good luck...
...............................
|
