A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I need some help. Me and my boyfriend have been having sex for the past 4 months, we're both 17 and consenting so there really isnt a problem. But my parents found a condom wrapper on the floor of their room (the only double bed in the house) and now they're really really mad at me. Im SO embaressed and I feel really disgusting cause we did it in their room. Im so ashamed of myself I literally can't face them. What should I do?!
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (4 November 2012):
"Young and in Love" gave you great advice. If you have any sense, you follow his suggestions. And some flowers and a freshly changed bed can do no harm to add on to that.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (3 November 2012):
For "Young and in Love":
You gave an EXCELLENT reply! If you understand the situation correctly, I hope the original poster puts a lot of thought and consideration into your suggestions. I suspect her most significant obstacle will be finding the "sincerity" to back up the actions you suggest, but if she CAN - it would be awesome.
I'd like to comment on your statement that ". . . every good parent wishes, prays, and hopes that their daughter will never ever have sex with anyone...ever . . . ". Some parents DO feel this way - my daughter's husband (father of my 3 granddaughters) is one! However, that's not my position - and not just because it's obvious that she and my son-in-law have had sex at least 3 times. Her mother and I have had a LOT of physically pleasurable, emotionally fulfilling and intimate, sex since our double-virgin wedding night. We truly want our kids to have that same kind of experience with their own life partners. By the same token we really want to help them avoid sexual relationships that are inappropriate, disrespectful, demeaning or abusive.
Yes, if the original poster was MY daughter I would say that her activities were inappropriate - but I would DEFINITELY admire her and respect her if she followed your suggestions.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (3 November 2012):
Ummm . . . am I too dumb to understand this situation, or are some of the other responses jumping to premature conclusions? Your question isn't very specific - exactly what is the conflict between you and your parents?
Is it really the fact (as most responses assume) that you are sexually active? Young lady, if you were my 17-year old daughter (or 17-year old son) I don't think you should be having sex, and we would have a discussion about this. BUT . . . I know other parents who approve, or at least tolerate, responsible sexual activity by their 17-year old children. Since you said, ". . . we're both 17 and consenting so there really isnt a problem . . . " it sounds like your parents may be in this group.
Or is it that your parents FOUND OUT you are sexually active? Even parents who tacitly permit their teen kids to be sexually active prefer to have a "don't ask - don't tell" attitude on the subject. I know that doesn't seem rational, and it's essentially contradictory to say "I expect and assume you will be sexually active but I don't want to know about it.". This isn't a topic where either parents, or teens, are always rational. Even so, you should respect your parents' wishes.
Is the real issue the fact that you had sex in your parents' house after they prohibited such activity? It is, after all, your parents' house and they have a wide latitude for making the rules. Again, this is something you should respect - if for no other reason than they are supporting you and allowing you to live there. This is another one of those areas where you may have to make allowances for your parents' inconsistent (but not unreasonable) attitudes. Based on second-hand reports there are some parents who actually prefer that their sexually active teens do their lovemaking in the house, rather than other less-than-safe places and less-than-private situations where teens may do it.
(A somewhat related question is whether your parents' house rules include "No visitors in the house when we aren't at home.".)
Or is the objection the fact that you used your parents' bedroom and bed for your tryst? This is an area where it can get REALLY personal. As long as I can remember, my parents' bedroom was essentially off-limits except by invitation. This continues even though I am now old and (VERY!) married. In all the times my wife and I have been my parents' houseguest, we were always put up in spare bedrooms, on the floor in the family room, etc. - never in my parents' bedroom, even after my dad's death. My in-laws, on the other hand, have often taken other beds so my wife and I could be accommodated in their bedroom. (The first few times it actually felt a little creepy to be making love with their daughter in the very bed where she was probably conceived but it eventually became a somewhat erotic turn-on to think that I was inseminating her in the very same place where her mother got pregnant. On the other end - the evening after our daughter was married, my wife and I slept and made love in our daughter's bed, knowing that we were almost certainly experiencing much better sex, but much less emotional satisfaction, on our zillionth coupling than our daughter was experiencing on her very first.)
For more insight on this topic, see the thread "What is right? My wife is saying she has no problem if one of our unmarried daughters chooses to have sex in our home with a Bf. The thought bothers me." at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-right-my-wife-is-saying-she.html .
(By the way - some of the responses that assume your parents are totally opposed to your having sex, gave some excellent advice & I rated them accordingly.)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): "we're both 17 and consenting so there really isnt a problem"
Yes, there is. Your parents are far too young to be grandparents and far too old to raise another infant, the
same one whom you are not remotely ready, prepared or capable of raising and the same one with whom boyfriend can potentially knock you up every time he bangs you, condom or not (no birth control other than abstinence is 100% effective, condoms can break, they can be defective, they can be improperly applied, they can be improperly removed).
"What should I do?!"
Say "I'm sorry. I bleeped up." And mean it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): Yeah, I think writing a letter and buying the sheets is a good one. And some flowers. And just saying sorry like every day for the next year or so.
Having said that, if my daughter did that, I would just sit her down and explain why I didn't like the idea, and that would no doubt freak her and she wouldn't do it again. And I would go on about how your bed is the one place you really really don't want anyone apart from you and yr whoever, and about respect.
Alternatively, I would have sex in your bed and leave a full condom on the top of your Hello Kitty duvet - I think you would get the idea then ... ; )
No, but, seriously: just say sorry in a big way, and wait. In 10 yrs time this won't matter so much.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Attach the letter to a new set of sheets, really, really nice ones.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): that is a very disrespectful thing to do and hopefully you have learned from your mistake, all you can do is apologise and let them calm down as they will in time get over it but you have probably lost some of their trust in you which you will need to earn bck over time
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A
male
reader, Young and in Love +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Oh, the joys of young love, and the crushing pain of needing your parents. Sorry, but I had to say that. With that out of the way, I do have some honest, true, earnest advice for you, though.
You've been caught. It's as simple as that. Don't lie. Don't deny. I'm sure you've fessed up already anyway. What you need to do now is first remove yourself from the situation and imagine being your parents and knowing your daughter or son had sex in your bed, who knows how many times (trust me, they will not think it is only once). It's like finding out your parents have been having sex in your room. It's gross, and you'd feel uncomfortable in your most personal space in the home: your room. You probably wouldn't want to sleep on your own bed, either.
Once you've taken the time to put yourself in your parents position, sit down, and write a letter explaining yourself. If you want it to work, follow this EXACT FORMAT.
Paragraph 1: You bring up the incident.
Example. "Yesterday (or whenever), you both came across a condom on the floor and found out that [insert bf's name] and I have had sex in your room." You should go on to explain in more detail about where and how many times. BE HONEST if you want this to work. It will be uncomfortable, but once it's over, you'll be in a better position than you have been.
Paragraph 2: Explain your actions.
Example: "We've been dating for a very long time, and I truly feel a strong bond with him, and he feels that same way for me. We've been dating for [insert number of months/years (I hope it's a high number)], and we recently (feel free to tell them how long this has been going on. The more you tell them, the more respect you will regain for having been honest with them) felt that we were ready to take our relationship to a deeper, and more intimate level, and while I know this is not something I can fairly expect for both of you to fully understand, as I am your little girl, I just want to explain how and why it came to happen." You can then mention things like why you chose their bed, and that you "DEEPLY AND SINCERELY REGRET DOING SO", and so on and so forth.
Paragraph 3: APOLOGIZE then Defend yourself, but do not grant yourself innocence.
Example: This is the MOST difficult part of the letter. You have to be ready and willing to pull on their heartstrings as well as your own. If you get emotional here (DO NOT fake it, but if it happens, don't fight it), it will be very helpful. You can say: "I am deeply sorry for betraying the trust that you have both shown in me over the years, as well as damaging the image that I believe you once had, and it is one that I hope to earn back. After all, I am your daughter, the same girl that dad/you once [insert a very memorable (from their point of view) and cherished moment that you shared with them no matter how long ago or recent it may have been]. The same girl who used to [insert something you and your mother once did together on a regular basis. Women, especially mom's love routines that they share with someone they care for. Did you and your mom bake together? Did she teach you to sew? Play guitar? Take you to the park every Friday? etc. FIND SOMETHING! It will help. The purpose of this paragraph is to remind them that you're not some slut (no offense, I'm sure you aren't), but that you're their daughter, and that there have been great times, and that you want that again.
Paragraph 4: Apologize some more! and admit guilt.
Example: After you've apologized, then defended yourself with heartfelt memories, sandwich that image of you with the other half of the apology. Say something like, "The reason I'm writing this is because, I know what I did was wrong, and I know that I can never truly make up for it completely, and will accept whatever punishment/further punishment (I'm sure they've already punished you a bit by now) that you set out for me. I am very sorry. What I did was unacceptable, and I had no right to do what I did behind your back." This should go on for a while. And try to be as heartfelt and honest as possible. The purpose is to make them believe your apology. Lots of people apologize and you can never be sure they mean it. MAKE SURE they know you mean it.
Paragraph 5: Ask them if it's okay to still have sex.
You read that right. And no, I'm not crazy, so put your eyes back into position if they popped or rolled out of their sockets. I'm not saying premarital sex or teens having sex is okay, but I'm not gonna pretend that after 4 months of happy humping (I should trademark that), that you're going to stop...forever. You'll have sex again, maybe even with him. But here's how to do it: with their consent, or at least with their knowledge of it (not as gross as it sounds).
Here's how to word this: "Now, I know that what I'm about to say to you is not what you want to hear, nor is it something I want, nor ever pictured myself saying to my parents. The fact of the matter is that I am a young adult, and a growing woman, and as such, I am going to experience the full spectrum of emotions and urges that all women face, and that includes the desire to be 'intimate' with my boyfriend whom I feel a strong emotional connection with" (from here on out the word "sex" is utterly taboo. You should use it in the earlier paragraphs, but for the rest of the letter, it is OFF LIMITS young lady. The word has an underlying meaning that will put them off. Instead say intimate of make love, etc).
"I understand that their is a time and a place for everything, and I know that neither of you would ever want me to engage in that level of romanticism at this point in my life, but I can not promise you that it will never happen again. You have both been wonderful parents, ones I have taken for granted for a long time. You've helped me to grow into what I consider a more mature, balanced young woman, which I hope can be seen in the fact that we both took protective measures, as you found out in an unfortunate way. Which brings me to ask that you please consider accepting and allowing [insert bf's name here] to continue to date and to find ourselves in a safe manner. I don't want to, in the moment, find myself betraying you again, and I truly hope that you will allow us to be together and make love, as I know I won't be able to forego being close to him forever. So, I ask that you grant us permission, on whatever terms you feel comfortable with as my parents, to live our lives without the pressure of being vilified as careless or reckless children, making mistakes." Feel free to add more to this, but remember, you are asking permission to have sex with your boyfriend. You might also want to mention that you will abstain from having sex during this time, and hope they will make a fair decision, not just based on the fact that you are their daughter, but that you are a young woman with desires just as they were once in a similar position. You may want to mention that as well, but in a very tactful way that doesn't simply say "you were once just like me". Keep in mind that every good parent wishes, prays, and hopes that their daughter will never ever have sex with anyone...ever, which is unrealistic, but it's the truth.
Paragraph 6: Wrap it up and leave it on a good note.
Example: At this age, I'm sure you've written a term paper, thesis, or essay before, and if you've gotten so much as a B on average, you should know how to conclude this. Just be sure to end this paragraph on something like "Once again, I know that what I did was wrong, and that it both hurt and angered you, but above all else, I just want you to forgive me and trust me again. I also, hope you will consider my request, which was very difficult for me to write down and even more difficult to read to you. I love you both so much, and I really hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive me and understand my emotions. Thank you. I love you both.
At this point you will hug them in turn, and hand them the letter. Oh, did I forget to mentioned, you'd be reading this letter out loud to them? Silly me. But seriously, you have to. Sending a letter is fine and dandy, but reading it to them is far more important and effective. The subtle sounds of your voice and the look of sincerity in your eyes work wonders in getting your point across. You MUST read this to them. When you have a chance, gather them in the living room, sit them down, and begin reading. If they say they don't want to talk to you about it, tell them that you need them to please let them talk to them and that it is important. Don't sound angry if they say not now. Try to convince them, but if they say they don't want to talk to you right now, then say "okay." and wait til later. Actions speak louder than words. If you seem aggressive, it doesn't matter what your letter says. Once you've read them the letter and given it to them. Hug them and go to your room. Find something wholesome to do, like reading or listen to music that's about anything positive (not sex at all, but relationships are okay). Be smart about this, and you'll be set, even if your parents are usually unreasonable, the maturity you'd be showing my writing a letter that open, honest, and serious. Be sure not to lie, and to give them details about how long it's been happening and how many times in their bed etc.; trust me it will only serve to show them that there's no secrets anymore. It's been said that the best lie still gets you in trouble (since it's more believable as the truth), but you know what, it still pales in comparison to the actual truth. You seem like a great young girl. I wish you, your boyfriend, and your family a happy and welcome reconciliation.
P.S. Once they've had time to think about it and they come to you with their decision about your punishment, accept it with grace no matter how tough. You can appear sad over it, it's realistic, but don't try to fight it AT ALL. It could be a test, it could be legit, but it will eventually be overturned. And when they mention whether or not you can have sex with your bf (hopefully they'll say yes with restrictions), accept it if they say no, but once you have a chance, try to ask if speaking with your bf and/or his parents would help. And if they say yes, (first off, thank God after this) smile, cry, etc. if that's how you feel from the news, and hug them and tell them that you're happy they're treating you with so much trust and respect, and that you love them (you can't say this enough). Apologize again, and offer to have your bf come by (you better force him if they allow this) to come by and talk to them and apologize. You may even want to offer to let them talk with his parents also. Then thank them again and apologize once more about the incident. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): Double bed or not, you don't need a double bed to have sex - especially your parents that is gross and very disrespectful! Can't turn back time now but surely you could have just done it somewhere else.
Writing a letter is probably the best option you have and you can put down exactly how sorry you are and that you realise it was completely out of order.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): Yeah OP it's possibly the worst kind of disrespect a daughter can do to her parents, I mean can you imagine the idea of sleeping in your daughters sex juices? Not a nice idea at all.
OP if you're mature enough to have sex then you're mature enough to go to them, own up to having done a very stupid thing, apologise and promise never to do anything like that again. Tell them how ashamed you are face the music like a woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): An apology and a promise never to do it again in their bed is really all you can do. They won't hold this against you forever, they will get over it and things will get back to normal.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Grovel. And then grovel some more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): same thing happened to me when i was 17! it is a really disrespectful thing to do. i wrote a letter of apology to my parents, including saying i realised how disrespectful my behaviour was&i'd never do it again, as i couldn't face them to talk about it, and it cleared the air tho i felt ashamed for ages! you just need to be brave&find a way to apologise in order to move on:)
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