A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was married to my wife for over 20 years. She walked out on me 4 years ago.We haven't divorced and we have 2 college daughters. After she walked out we didn't talk for over 2 years.I started forcing divorce on her, she's been a liar and a cheater so I was done, but my feelings really never died for her. We started talking last year mostly over our kids and buying her half of the house from her which I did. She's been coming over to my house often. She has a whole new group of friends, mostly all men and like her their all drama filled. She can't seem to keep any women as friends. We went out for a meal to dicuss college expenses for the girls. As we sat side by side she pulled my arm around her and kissed me, she's been showing me some affection lately. I don't know if she want's me back. She's complained that there isn't anyone out there for her. Of course not she hangs out in dive bars with fat ugly unemployed drama queen men. I've never been without a good paying job. I don't know how to handle this. I'd like her to come home and back to me but she did some really low things to me and said lies about me to justify her acts. I am quite passive, I never abused or hit her ever. I may have neglected her emotional needs in the past creating this but for what I did she was 100 times worse with deception, lies and cheating and she's been a very selfish woman. Last year I asked her if she would consider coming back and she said of all things, "I don't know if I can trust you" this coming out of a liars mouth. I am confused and not sure of her real intentions. I decided to sit back and let her ask me to come home, but I'm not sure,that if I don't ask her, she won't ask me. Id hate to lose it all over our stupid pride and yet don't really know if her heart is in another go at it or if I should just let go of it all and move on. So should I ask her to come back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): She lacks the class you want in a woman. You are worlds apart. Let go of any idea of taking her back. It wont last. She disgusts you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): "[I] don't really know if her heart is in another go at it or if I should just let go of it all and move on."
Her heart isn't in it; that would require her to have a heart in the first place. You can tell who she really is by the company she keeps (fat ugly unemployed drama queen men, probably all gay guys who couldn't get laid to save their lives) and where she keeps it (dive bars).
Whatever her motives are, they are not altruistic. The question you should be asking is "what's in it for HER?"
"So should I ask her to come back?"
No. You should never ask her anything ever again, and you should never tell her anything either. For your daughters' sake you must do your best to maintain a civil and surface-cordial relationship as co-parents but do NOT let your defenses down, then you'll be playing right into her grubby little drama queen hands.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (3 November 2012):
 I appreciate your honesty and understand that there is an understandable deal of resentment and bitterness but I would caution you about how you view your wife, in terms of, did you set out to marry a liar and a cheat, or did she develop these "qualities" over time? some people cheat for excitement, to chase a spark, some cheat because their married lives are unfulfilling sexually, emotionally or intellectually, some cheat for attention or to realize/appreciate what they have in their own partners, but the point is that unless they're psychopathic or pathological about their lies, they generally have their reasons for committing the acts to begin with, and those reasons come from the home.
Likewise, there's a reason she has lost trust in you. Very good, you've been stable and breadwinner, and I'm sure you didn't lose her trust in you over finances, but what has she wanted in her life? Have you emotionally and otherwise been supportive of her in all that? Would you consider yourself having been an equal partner in raising your children?
Just because she has done bad in the marriage doesn't mean that she's just projecting blame on you for her bad acts. I think her saying that she's not sure she can trust you is a powerful statement, and it may mean that she doesn't trust you to love her the same way before all these secrets were revealed, before she left (it's possible she senses/is aware of/ understands your bitterness or has even internalized blame towards herself for her actions), or it could reflect a deeper flaw in the relationship.
What is significant is the lack of communication you two have had-even people who think they want a divorce or someone 'leaves' the other, will still ask if counseling is an option or why they're leaving to begin with. Maybe you had some conversations, or maybe you were too angry with her to deal with her and you were actually relieved she left at the time, but my point is, none of the problems that led up to that point were adequately addressed, none of the problems have since been addressed, and so you're left confused on why she's showing you affection now because you two haven't really talked bout it. so i agree with others that if you want to consider rekindling something, you need to finish the conversation you had with her the other day. Be willing to hear criticism and don't give in to twisting the problem at her (ex: "says the person that left me").
If you want to work out you need to be willing to change also. Couples counseling sounds like a good way, safe space for you two to air your laundry, get your feelings out and really determine whether you want to move forward with this woman or you're not doing it for yourself, but the wrong reasons (your kids, loneliness, missing her or idealizing her from the good times). I would not make any other move other than counseling or talking through everything before you consider one of you moving back into the bedroom, going on dates, etc. etc. I guess I should also mention she also might not be that willing to get rid of her trashy man-friends, they're a part of her new support network, and they may be a package deal that she may not be willing to let go, so keep that in mind.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Why in this world would you want her back? For someone who see`s himself as above "hanging out in dive bars with fat ugly unemployed drama queen men," well, where will that put you, if you take her back? Are you having problems finding a partner since she left you? It sounds like you are. No don`t take her back. She is not very good.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Okay, here goes. She walked out, that means there was something wrong with the marriage, wrong enough for her to walk.
So take a minute to hear me out, you say when you asked her to come back she said she didnt know if she could trust you. I can see you are confused by this, but did you think to ask he what she meant? Maybe here lies the reasons for her behaviour 4 years ago.
If you are she are going to consider getting back together I would strongly suggest some couple counselling BEFORE that happens to make sure there are no elephants in the room and all issues between the two of you have been discussed at length and an understanding reached. If this doesnt happen you will just be rehashing over old ground again, with probably the same result some years, or even mere months, down the track.
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A
male
reader, tamperingtampaguy +, writes (3 November 2012):
First of all, I really feel for your plight . That said, My suggestion would be to communicate how you feel and try to establish at the very least a cordial relationship, which you seem to have. Do this for the sake of your children. If you establish she is interested in rekindling your marriage, I think that she should agree to joint counseling. If she does not , I would say that things are better left as is and that you move on with your life and try to find a good lady that would appreciate and respect a man like yourself, providing what you told me is accurate. Good luck.
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