A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi aunts and uncles, hope you can shed some lignt on my situation please. I met my partner 4 years ago, it was long distant at first but i moved in with him 2 years ago, left all my family and friends cause i wanted to be with him, he has children from his first marraige which we have often. He was leaving the forces when i moved in and was seeking employment. To cut a long story short, he took a job that is 200 miles away so takes him away during the week. Im left here with no friends and feel vey lonely. I have asked him to look for other employment but he seems happy althouh he knows im not.I always wanted another child but he cannot have any more so i had to come to terms with that. We have also spoke about buying a house together as the house we live in belonged to him and his ex wife. He said he wasnt against the idea but wanted to save more money for the future while he was in this job which is very well paid. although i can understand that jobs dont come easy in this current climate, i wonder what is more important to him. He has a good pension and a good sum of money in savings. I do work full time and contribute to all the household bills and also own my own home which i rent out at the moment so i am independant or shall i say i used to be.I have asked him about how he feels about marraige and he said he never wants to get married again as his ex wife ended up with a hefty payout from him so he does not want to go through that again. I am at a point now where i have been unwell for some time and have to have an operation where i will not be able to have any more kids. I told him this was a big decision for me to make seeing as he will not make a commitment to me. He just said it was my body and i should make that decision on my own. He said anything can happen in the future so he is too scared to make any commitments. I dont think i should go ahead and have this operation if he is not certain about us, I dont think its fair as i could meet someone else who may want a child. He seems to be very selfish and set in his ways. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, so i am a little confused. I have given up everything for him and do a lot for him and his children but he cannot give anything back. I dont know weather to cut my losses and move on. please advise, thankyou
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 why doesn't he move to where his job is? why don't you go with him? sounds to me like he has the job he has to keep the distance between you both figuratively and literally.if you want marriage and another child then it's probably time to end it... since he's not receptive to these options.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): Hello. When you have been with someone for 4 years. Wanting marriage and a home of your own together are perfectly normal things. So no...you aren't asking too much. Just too much of this man.
Your boyfriend sounds stuck in the past, still living in his marital home and feeling wounded from his divorce. He doesn't want to move on. He is happy with just a girlfriend. One who keeps an eye on the place for him while hes away, helps financially, doesn't mind being alone all week and makes no demands. Hes happy with that type of undemanding relationship
If you really love him and can cope with that, that's fair enough. But if you want a more grown up commitment and he is refusing to give any, then you might be better off cutting your losses and moving back home as soon as your tenants vacate.
Definitely find out whats happening with him before you commit to any drastic surgery. Even his response to that dilemma sounds distant and noncommittal. Not at all reassuring! Cut your losses. It might feel you've wasted 4 years but that's better than wasting 5.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): I think he can't possibly be more clear about not wanting to marry you. I'm not sure why you would leave your home and move to be with him and live with him when your goals are so different. If you are really honest with yourself, you probably thought you could change his mind after living with him and giving up everything even though he told you different. Now you are back to square one and even though you chose to make all these sacrifices, your relationship has not progressed to engagement and he probably told you it wouldn't!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): thankyou for your replies and deep down, i know you are right. I do already have 2 children but they are grown up now as i had them very young. I also got divorced when i was young so i pretty much brought the them up on my own. I always wanted another child but never met the right person. I fell in love with this guy even knowing he had a vesectomy after his last child was born. I was willing to sacrifice not having any more just to be with him but when he tells me he is not sure about us being together in the future and that he is scared of commitment it just makes me feel like crap to be honest after everything i have given up for him. He wont even buy a house together which for me would be the commitment . I dont think i am asking too much.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (16 October 2011):
 You have given up a lot and are not happy. Things are not smooth with him. You are mainly alone in the house all week and this is no life for you. Also, you are suffering for his own mistakes with his E~x. Although, the hefty pay out business is purely an excuse. I would cut your losses and move to an area where you will feel happy again.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 October 2011):
 CUT YOUR LOSSES AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE.
Really. Seriously. The joy of having children is so wonderful, and it is your ticket to a long and happy life. The misery of being without a child, especially for a woman, is terrible.
Somewhere you have an unborn child or children who just need you to figure out how to help them come into being. Trust in that. The first step is leaving this guy. Sorry, but he won't commit, he won't give you a child and he won't even support you in this life-changing decision. Find someone else and have a real life. You can. Start right now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 October 2011):
 Honestly, I'd cut mny loses, seems like you make all the sacrifices and he none, that ends up with a very uneven relationship.
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