A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im struggling with something. After a whole day of normal communication with my gf (we are living separate during lockdown) the smallest thing can make her go into a tantrum. For example I work 6pm-2am. Therefore when I finish at 2am I will call her. I was tired by 3.30 and wanted to sleep yet she kicked up a fuss. I got extremely annoyed by this but I kept it inside because it could be my tiredness speaking. I woke up at 7am, send her few sweet messages and tried to go sleep however as usual she uses the morning to dump things into me. I said to her I’m tired I don’t want to fix petty online shopping order issues that morning and that is when she hit the roof accusing me of not being available or caring. I am finding my routine a little overwhelming and my sleeping pattern is destroyed. However what upsets me the most is she is always complaining unless I move at her will. She says she is unable to speak to me about these matters during the day. Perhaps it’s the fact that I could not give a flying horse about her nail products or specific item she bought for herself with money I make. I earn for her but please don’t force me to help you with nail products just like I don’t ask for help on “what bracket to fit my td24 exhaust manifold clamps by hi flo sensor” - because it’s my duty to find out about my own passions. Not dump it on the gf to find. I want peace, I give her everything but surely it’s not enough. So what can i do? If work problems make me delayed in me calling her I’m stressing that she will have a go. This isn’t normal and why is she not understanding? Do you think it is a bit needy? When I am tired , anyone in my life I know, from family to friends will respect that and encourage me to get some rest immediately and conversations can be resumed after. But not with the gf, she demands I drop everything. What annoys me is simple things like 14 day trial period for Netflix. She keeps asking me to cancel it, when I never signed up, I don’t understand why it’s so hard to do. Than I get blamed for not helping. I feel like sometimes lack of opening your eyes does this. Expecting your bf to do it, and when I don’t I’m apparently selfish and she is alone. (I didn’t do it perhaps because I have 50 emails to reply to when I get home because I also run an online business - which helps pay her rent and bills, as she was struggling due to job loss and I took up another job to support this). Again I’m happpy to support but shouldn’t a man who brings the bread be given some respect and space after a long day. I don’t have a problem speaking to a friend for an hour about anything because his not hounding me with some petty problem online or in life so I often call other friends to take my mind of a busy day. Sometimes I get fed up of problems and I like to have a conversation where it’s doesn’t require me to work out the problem for someone. Someone telling me about thier day without issues is lovely, if they have problems I can listen , I can offer advice because I don’t have to physically research or figure out solution like my gf expects. How do you say this to her? Without it being an argument because trust me I’ve tried.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2020): Thank you so much for the replies. I will try to merge the answers into one reply.
I understand I am coming across without a backbone but she doesn't seem to think that. For me, peace is achieved by tricking her. Not being upfront honest about it. I think her boredom can be taken out on me. I'm jealous of her friends and family who don't get any issues from her. Any slightest issue and my gf will spill it all out to certain family members and friends whereas I respect my own gf not to tell anyone in the family or friends because I do not want them to speak ill of the person I will marry one day. What happens when she speaks ill of me? they support her, give her more strength so she comes back even harder on me. You guys say shes spoilt, yet all her female aunties, friends tell her I do not do enough.
It was never like this, but I have forced her over the years to be positive which has been a challenge in itself, this is why i shared my income with her, so she would shut up. Otherwise she is troubling me 8am with bills, every single day since lockdown started. It was far easier for me to make the money than hear her complain daily which wasnt solving anything. I work hard juggling jobs because who else will buy a house for us? Who else will buy me holidays? Cars? I'm doing okay for myself but I have dreams with her. My wishes are more expensive than hers. She is okay to get a minimum wage and just about pay her rent and bills, she doesnt care. She dropped out of school at a young age, whereas I have studied with 2 university degrees, so perhaps our mentality differs. Money is nothing to me, it comes and goes. She isnt a gold digger either, she looks after my finances and doesnt spend wrong however always wants my attention.
I have been pressured to wife her from her family because it has been 5 years. Im afraid little things have still delayed this. Her attitude mainly. God forbid I say this to her, someone quite rightly said "she turns psycho" and demands explanation. the day won't finish until I have explained and mended things with her. dont get me wrong, I cant live without her either but I do feel drained. I wish she was easier, as in when i say i need to go, I wish she accepts rather than throwing a tantrum. There are days she will let it go.
As for buying things, she asked me about this bike pump she needs for her bike. I said its expensive at £20 (i fill up air for 20p but anyway she can find a cheaper pump if she wants one), so she told me to have a look. I forgot, so she purchased the same one. When i bought it up we had a full blown argument because she said 'when i asked you, you didnt get back to me so i bought it' than she proceeds to forcing me to show her where it is cheaper, which again in the middle of the night after work isnt ideal. So I just give in.
Yesterday I was having issues myself with my car, I was late to work and I said to my gf I havent been able to make it into work, I was a little sarcastic and down because i Was fedup with the last few hours of fixing it and I still failed to make it into work as it loomed closer. I felt she raised her voice and starting telling me what to do, she just moaned why i hadnt started earlier (why didnt she just support me and say oh never mind you can have work off, she went straight to the amount i will lose by not working), so i went from 0-100 real quick and said this isnt the time right now, leave me alone, she didnt like that, so i said get lost and put the phone down. I kid you not she called me 20 times and text me saying -if you dont pick up i will keep calling you.
In this situation, I REFUSED to give in to my anger and explode, so I turned my phone off and proceeded to get back to sorting my car out. In that time I was afraid my boss will call me, but when I turn my phone on she would call, I turn it off again. I text her saying please let me fix the car. So in the next 20 mins, I was able to get the car going. (she still called so I turned it off)
I turned on my phone again, she is still calling, she doesn't give up, I reject it and quickly call my boss so it connects. I tell him the situation, he is okay with it. I manage to get myself to nearly to work, not far and my car totally breaks down. I was so stuck and upset, I didn't want to go into work, and on top of that my phone battery had been drained by all those calls. So before I made a mess I called my boss and apologized that Its best i don't come in. I never felt like that in years, I just broke down emotionally in my car, as I felt stuck and no one understands. I felt great after sitting there in silence, I locked my car and walked back home 1.5 hours, around 3 miles. Reflecting and thinking.
I have not spoken to her since yesterday when she tried calling me 20 times. I am scared of the lecture that she will have ready and it will, of course, be my fault. The mistake was I said get lost and hung up.
I have had one of the best nights sleep I ever had, I feel rested but I dont feel working today, my car is still in that location, And i just wish to have a break from her and the car. I have taken 2 days off work too. Am I crazy with what I have said above?
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (29 April 2020):
 OP, this is sad. She has your number and all she has to do is act like shes going to throw a hissy fit and you come running. She knows this and uses it to her advantage and you allow it to keep happening. You don't say how long you've been together but I think its been TOO long.
You have a spoiled brat princess on your hands. I don't know if she was that way before you met, or you made her that way..but here she is and you don't know what to do with her.
I highly recommend that you break things off. As the aunts/uncles have stated, you two are mismatched and to be honest, you are always going to be the worn out miserable one losing sleep and running around trying to make her happy. That's not what a relationship is about OP!
IF you decide to stay with her, you need to get brave, be strong and be vocal. Honeypie gave you some lovely advice. Read it again. Don't allow yourself to be walked all over like a doormat! Yes you should want to listen to your partner and care about their problems but you shouldn't be expected to do everything for them! STOP doing that!
I was married to a man that became this way over time. It is EXHAUSTING and I grew very resentful. It was like I was "mommy" and had to take care of EVERYTHING. I couldn't stomach it. Notice I said WAS married. I got out. I still recommend that is your best course of action. Sorry OP, but if you stay with this lady long term you will be MISERABLE.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (29 April 2020):
 I dated someone that demanded my attention like this and it drove me crazy. I like my space and I like a healthy amount of communication but I don't like being smothered.
I will say though, that in a relationship both parties are expected to compromise especially when it comes to hearing about the boring and uninteresting stuff. You've given her way too much rope by basically looking after her because if you're paying for everything... Even very stupid things that she not just needs, but wants and then expects you to sort out issues pertaining to her orders and stuff then I'm sorry but that's pretty insane. She's living like a queen. If she doesn't have much to do these days, I'm sure that she has enough time in her day to sort out queries and cancel memberships/trials. She's in a very comfortable position right now and with that being said, how ever will she survive without you? As a woman, that thought makes me uncomfortable. Being at the mercy of anyone makes me uncomfortable.
My opinion is that the two of you are incompatible. When I was in the relationship that was similar to this, it did not take me long to realise that I can't be with someone that is extremely clingy and needy because I doubt that I was put on this earth for the sole purpose of reassuring and validating another human being. Its emotionally draining. You seem to be drained.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2020): Typo:
"Only how you break your neck trying to please her."
Guess you can tell, I pulled a long-stretch myself today!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2020): Meant to say:
"Pouting and..."
"Pouting and always begging for attention."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2020): Maybe it's time to breakup!
When a relationship is nothing but complaining and a series of arguments over stupid and petty things; then you're beating a dead-horse. You can't resuscitate this dying relationship. You and your girlfriend are incompatible.
You can't buy anyone's affections, and you're somewhat "whipped." You get all tangled in knots when she throws a hissy-fit! You jump when she says jump, and rollover when she says roll-over; then out of the blue, you decide to be rebellious and blow your cool. There is no consistency in your behavior. She is downright-spoiled to boot!
You've turned your girlfriend into a snot-nosed little princess; and she knows how to manipulate you with her tantrums. Stomping her foot, and shrieking at the top of her lungs! Pouting and
The relationship has now reached the point that you're so frustrated with her that you're writing an advice site. You probably would breakup with her, but you're also a little afraid of her; because she might go freaking psycho, and turn the world upside-down.
Stop jumping when her royal-highness snaps her royal-fingers! Ask her if she needs a favor, or wants you to do something, just ask! At least try to be nice about it! If you're too tired to talk; tell her you're tired, and you'll get back to her. Don't say that, and then don't do it! Then you're asking for it!
Now about you! Be consistent. Don't kiss her bum 20 hours out of a day; then get irritated when she demands the remaining 4.
My opinion is that you're both mismatched. Two totally different and conflicting personality-types that don't understand each-other. You seem to think sucking-up to women and spending money on them is being a good-boyfriend. Whoever told you that you have to do that? Where'd you get that mindset? Do the other guys you know treat their girlfriends like you treat yours? Do their girlfriends behave like yours?
You have to start with someone who understands you, and you understand her. You have crappy work-hours; and not many females are going to enjoy hit or missed time with you. You're half-asleep when she wants to talk; so to make up for that you do something nice, or spend money on her. You need a break from this fractured-relationship, and need to find better work-hours. Maybe not during this pandemic, or you might end-up unemployed. If you're not a medical-professional, fireman, or a cop; you must be an essential-worker to have to show-up for work for such very long hours. It's taking a toll on you. You must not get enough time-off. It seems what free-time you do have; you're dealing with a spoiled little-girl throwing tantrums.
You two need to breakup and go your separate-ways. Never once in your long post, did you say anything kind about her; or mention anything affectionate towards her. You never said how she pleases you. Only how your break you neck trying to please her. If that's the case, why are you still with her???
Maybe you are tired and just venting; but I can tell a guy who is "whipped" and stuck in a mismatched-relationship. That's you, my friend!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 April 2020):
You give her everything and she always wants more and you don’t see where the problem is? You say you want respect but you don’t demand it and why would she respect you when you’re a doormat.
Grow a freaking spine and tell her no! If she pouts she pouts. Believe me no matter what happens you will be better off.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 April 2020):
 You got to grow a set, OP
If you are TOO tired to talk, TELL her and let her pout. If you ALWAYS give in to her whining, she will KEEP whining!
She sounds like a brat.
If she is home alone ALL day, why can't SHE cancel the Netflix if she doesn't want it?
And WHY are you paying for things she can't afford that she REALLY doesn't need? Like nail polish. Yes, I know it's nice to do a little self-care during the lock-down but her spending YOUR money and then demanding that you hear all about it too? Maybe you are just too giving.
My guess is you let her shop in hopes that it will make her happy and give you peace and quiet? Correct? But it's not, so why not save your money?
Paying for everything doesn't mean you AUTOMATICALLY deserves respect. Respect is earned. What she SHOULD do in KNOW that you work EXTRA hard because SHE doesn't have a job at the moment and she SHOULD CARE that YOU make that extra effort FOR her. But she doesn't, she pouts and whines.
So maybe, SPELL it out?
If you call her to talk after work and you feel too tired to give it more than (let's say 20 minutes) tell her, I'm tired because I work 2 jobs to keep us BOTH afloat, I need to grab some sleep. Me sleeping after a long day at work doesn't mean I don't care about you or your need but I NEED the sleep and I will talk to you later. Love you, goodnight. And then you hang up. Do you email thing, and go to bed.
The reason she THINKS you are at her beck and call, is because you ARE! You don't (and this can be done nicely and politely) PUT your foot down. Stand up for yourself.
If she talks about "pretty online problems", tell her to sort them out herself, she is a grown ass woman and then switch topic. Keep the conversations sweet and light as much as you can and IF she pulls a but whaaa they sent me the wrong color or whatnot, tell her you have EVERY confidence that she can sort it out.
Being in a relationship ALSO means that sometimes you HAVE to hear about BORING things that occupy your partner's life. It's hard to do if you are tired and bored but DO take the time to ALSO listen. Even if it's boring. JUST listen to it every now and then. If it's constant, well then you might want to bring it up that you miss the days of having sweet conversations and not just sharing complains about stuff.
You can do it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2020): This happened to me too with a man whose first language was not English and so almost every night when I went to see him, I would be given jobs to do. Emails to write, phone calls to make etc etc. And he would want me to ask things of people that I didnt feel comfortable asking. And if I tried to explain why what he was asking was inappropriate, he would get angry and accuse me of not WANTING to help him. And I didn't want to help him in the end. Because unless I just buckled up and got on with what he asked me to do, there would be a row. So I understand the sinking feeling and the anger at feeling as if you're being used. I used to say to him sometimes, "I feel like I'm a secretary in a job I didn't apply for and I really don't like my boss!" Guess what? We are no longer together.
No-one minds helping others sometimes, especially their loved ones, but when the mark is overstepped then we start to feel angry, because we know we're being used.
You seem very young to me to be saddled with the responsibility of providing for another person who seems to do absolutely nothing for herself or for you.
If she was your wife, at home because she was looking after your children, then fair enough, supporting her is necessary and expected. BUT why are you enabling this woman to free load? Why are taking up the slack after she lost her job? There are benefits she can apply for during this covid time. I've had to. I had my own business and have earned nothing for over a month. The government are having to step in. You shouldn't be running yourself ragged for anyone, let alone a single woman who sounds as if she does not care for you.
But it sounds as if you want to stay with her. So, my advice would be that if you wake early in the morning, do not text her. Wait until you are up and rested before you embark on handling all her problems for her. I would obviously suggest that you don't help her in this way and allow her to fend for herself with the things she can so easily do for herself, but you don't seem to want to do that. If she accuses you of not being there for her if you don't do what she says, I would reply, "I wont be around at all if you keep asking me to do things after I've done a long shift, that you can easily do for yourself." Or reply that she isn't there for you because she wont let you rest and dumps all her problems onto you.
All you are doing is enabling her. Enabling her to continue to be a selfish pain in the backside with nothing to give. And if you want to stay with her, this is all you will have to look forward to, unless you take away the safety net and let her do her own dirty work. But I suspect that you are scared to do that. Are you scared that she will leave you if you don't do as she says? Is that why after just a few hours sleep, not only are you texting her, but you send a FEW messages? Is that to keep her happy? Or because you WANT to?
She has you running around after her, trying to keep her happy at your expense. You're tired, angry, unsupported and must feel unloved.
I think you know what you must do, but for some reason you don't want to do it. I'm sure after reading your post most people would advise you either leave or grow a backbone, but you don't seem to want to do either.
Sorry I cant be more helpful, but there are only two options available to you that I can see.
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