A
male
age
41-50,
*hatADeal
writes:My wife and I dated 4 years and were married 10 years and 2 months when I found out she was having an affair with the same man the entire time. We have two daughters, now 4 and 7.Turns out the other guy was married and his wife found out. Turns out they slept together once(according to her,not sure to believe or not) before she met me when she was 18. The affair continued on and off again throughout our tenure of dating and marriage. Initially she told me it was a one time thing. Unfortunately for her the other man's wife and I were talking. I kept probing and telling her she was lieing then she would tell me more details. I took 7+ weeks of lies for me to get what she claims is now the truth. She swore she planned to stop yet had plans to meet up 5 days later after getting caught.The truth as I have it now is that they slept together multiple times while we were dating including 9 weeks before we got married. They continued their affair throughout the marriage. Even one week after our 10 year anniversary that I took her to Mexico for they got together for sex. According to her they would have sex multiple times in a few weeks time frame then stop for a while. Sex was all unprotected and she admitted to having sex with me same day after being with him and not showering first. My oldest child's dna was questioned until tested(This about killed me. She also had gotten a credit card that she was using to get hotel rooms and eat on. Two years + trying now but I still can't trust her and some days can't look at her. I don't know that I will ever love or trust her again but I am staying for kids.When I think about leaving I feel horribly guilty and couldn't think about hurting or not seeing my girls every day. Financially, divorce isn't possible either for a couple more years. Has anyone been in a similar situation that can give me some advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): Your wife is the only person who should feel horribly guilty about anything. She has put you into an impossible position, you can either have your marriage or your self respect. You cannot have both because she took that possibility away. This is not your fault. Everyone has the right to self-respect above all else. If you leave your wife then you hurt your daughters in that way. But if you stay with your wife then you teach your daughters that it is okay to accept the way your wife has treated you. You teach them that this is how adult relationships are supposed to work. What about the damage THAT does?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): How likely is it that these are even your kids? Women's bodies are more likely to get pregnant from affairs than their regular "committed" partner, science has demonstrated it. And you already say she never used protection with the other guy.
You can't even look at her sometimes? Man, you REALLY need to leave this woman.
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A
female
reader, Shorty96  +, writes (9 November 2014):
There are many children that grow up without their parents being together, as long as you are still around thats the important part! You will need to explain to them that its not a bad thing that you may separate, and that you still love them the same. Its not fair on you to carry on being with her when she has been unfaithful so much, you owe yourself so much more. I hope you work it all out
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): I would have a paternity test for BOTH daughters. Your wife might claim that both are yours, but base on what YOU WROTE, you know your wife is a liar.
I would also go get tested for STDs just to be on the safe side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): Either forgive and reconcile, or forgive and divorce if you can now to unburden yourself of the pain. Unless there is severe abuse divorce isn't better for the children but it's not ideal to live this way either. You wife will have more custody with younger children unless she is unfit but you will still be a big part of their lives. For your own sake try to release the feelings if you can. So sorry you were betrayed in this manner it is not right.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 November 2014):
 Are your kids both your's????? You might want to arrange to have that confirmed......
Meanwhile, the only task that you face is how to dump this cheating, lying woman and get on with your life WITHOUT HER.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): You need to leave.
You owe it to yourself and to your children.
Children can be perfectly happy and well adjusted when their parents are no longer together. It is best for them to see you both happy as individuals than carrying on pretending. Children do sense resentment and bitterness and their parents not getting along. This is going to hurt them more in the long run. They need to grow up in a loving, healthy and nurturing environment. To see you and your wife barely tolerating one another will eat away at their self esteem, their self worth. They will not feel safe or secure. They will not build confidence from this. They will wonder whether it is their fault. Better to go through the fall out than to subject you and your kids to this slow torture which in the end, will have the same result. Your marriage is not going to last. You can end it now and salvage a piece of your soul and still have a chance to find happiness or... you can keep playing the charade and let it tear you down for years to come while knowing you have already reached the end of that road.
I left my husband with no job and no money in the bank. I had zero. But I did it. My son is better off now. Both his dad and I are happier now that we lead separate lives. And my son is happy too. He gets the best of both worlds in two happy environments not in one miserable one. And he has a disability too. Yet he is still thriving. So your kids will as well. Please never sacrifice your happiness. You have one life my friend. One day you are going to look back and have so many regrets. Do something about it now. When you still have that chance.
Marriage should not be a life sentence. But it will be if you do not find the courage to leave. You do not have to get divorced. Just separate and live in different residences. You can divorce when you are able to afford it. But at least SEPARATE and move out. Arrange a custody agreement for your children. Split assets down the middle. See a lawyer and know what your rights are under the circumstances. There is legal aid if you are unable to afford one. There are ways my friend. You are not trapped. You are not alone. You can come out of this stronger. And so can your children. So start doing your homework...
Your wife's behaviour is disgusting, unacceptable and tore your heart out. And the heart of your kids. She can never be forgiven for this. This was essentially another serious long term relationship she was having behind your back for the duration of your marriage! It wasn't a one time fling or even something she did for a month and then realized she made a mistake. You cannot forgive something like this. She never loved you. To do what she did, she never loved you. And you owe her nothing.
But what you do owe to yourself is to be happy and you owe that to your children.
They will be better off away from this situation. Trust me. It will all work out in the end. It will hard at first because you will feel like the world as you know it no longer exists. You will feel suffocated, afraid, helpless, anxious, alone, question yourself... all of that. But all these feelings will be necessary in order to change your life. You must go through the storm to get to the calm. That is just the way it is. But once you are through it, you will find a new normal. A new life. A new beginning. And eventually meet a woman who loves you and will worship you. Isn't that the way it should be? It is all how you look at it. Keep positive. Keep focused. Believe in yourself. Believe in your kids. They are stronger than you think! And try to keep your family and friends close. You will need to lean on them for support. This will mean so much to you right now.
Good luck and hugs to you for all that you are going through.
I am living proof that you do survive and I am still laughing! Some days are harder than others, but I am thankful that I made that choice. You will be too.
Take Care. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): I am so sorry for what you have been through. I agree with previous authors, your kids will be worse off sensing your unhappiness. I was raised by divorced parents and really though it wasn't ideal, I was better off than kids whose parents stayed together solely for them. In my case, they were divorced right after I was born so I never knew any different. My cousins were raised simultaneously by miserable, unhappy, married parents and they were arguably worse off. When they were older they always said "my parents should have divorced a long time ago and found other people who made them happy". You are not being selfish by giving yourself a shot at sincere love my friend. Wish I could give ya a hug. :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): to be honest , I feel it will be entirely unfair for you and the kids if you stayed with her. You will not feel like you can trust her , and you will be holding grudges in on yourself , so it could start affecting you more as you bottle it up.
And for the kids .... it will better if they got to see Dad being happy for himself rather than falsely trying to hold a marriage together .
Lots and lots of kids have single parents , and also you have got nothing to feel guilty about she was the one who was doing the wrong.
good luck
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 November 2014):
 Yes, cheated upon here.
If it has been two years and you are still not reconciled with your wife, if you still don't trust here and if there are still days you can't bear to look at her sometimes, I think you have to admit the marriage seems to be over.
I think that once you come to the realisation the marriage itself is dead in the water, that your feelings for her are never going to recover, that your trust has been shot to pieces and unlikely to be regained ... I think once that all happens your way forward will seem a lot clearer.
Accept the marriage is done, and you will be able to work out just what it is you want for your future, and for that of your kids .... living in limbo is not healthy.
Good luck!
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