A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Last week i went on the history tab on my computer and found a transexual dating site. As i hadn't visited it i checked my husbands emails to find that he had joined this site. I entered his password and found he was looking for a descreet relationship with 1 on 1 sex. I was devasted I had notice that our sex life wasn't as good as usual now i know why. I confronted him about the site without him knowing i had been on it. He said he was not bisexual or transexual and denied that he had feelings that way. I have now been keeping a check on him and don't think he has been on the site since, but this was only last week and i cant get it out of my head. I even sent him a email hoping that he would reply without embarrassment but he has said nothing since i dont know what to do please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for all your replies they have helped.In answer to some comments made I haven't screamed and shouted at him I was very calmed and told him i need to know what is going on. As he seemed really embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it anymore I sent him a email telling him how i felt on discovering the site and the questions i needed answering from him as i work nights i though he could read it while alone and then email me back so i fail to see how this is trying to trap him.
It has only been a week since i found out but i think you are right i will have to bring the subject up again and hit it head on.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 I consider your post on the disturbing side. It's one thing to find your husband whoring himself out for casual sex on the internet, but it's another to find out he has a secret sexual thing for transsexuals on top of it.
Has he ever told you he likes transsexuals, or is this something that he has kept a secret during the course of knowing you? People that lead secret lives are disturbing and not to be trusted.
As the two ladies have said before me, why are you delaying the inevitable when you already have the proof? Shit has already hit the fan when you discovered his account. You have already swallowed the biggest shock. Anything that will follow couldn't possibly be worse, unless he has been cheating on you with trannies this whole time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): I think you have to be honest about what you know. He may not be happy that you have discovered this information. But there is a chance that he had been tempted by the idea of this but drew back from reality. The internet gives people the opportunity to research things that they would never consider otherwise. Many people have fantasies that they have no intention of acting on. This may be very uncomfortable for you to deal with. Some relationships can overcome this if they have a strong bond. You need to decide, before you approach him, where you stand and what the outcome might be.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 March 2012):
 I agree with So very confused.
You saw that he joined the site. You saw what the site was, and you saw that he was looking for discreet sex with a transsexual.
So what is it exactly that you're waiting for, him to actually get sex and subject you to the same risks that a casual internet sexual life entails?
You have the proof you want, and you know that he's lying to you. Why are you sending more emails to him? You have what you need!
Time to drop the bomb, explain what you know and how you know, and deal with this head on. I understand that you're delaying because it's a tough confrontation, but you have the proof you need. He's on the site. He's asked for sex. Print up what you saw and have it with you when you confront him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): Hi,
I can understand that discovering that he was on the site was a shock and that had to hurt in more ways than one.
First and foremost at this time I would practice kneeology
When life gives you a punch to the stomach that leaves you winded and you don't know where to turn, get on your knees abd cry and ask God to give you strength. It does not mean you are not angry disappointed, confused. Going through the ranges of how is this happening why is this happening, trying to see if there were signs along the way etc. Yes all this is a part of unpleasant and unwanted surprises. Prayer is not a magic wand but in my personal experience it helped keep me going when I just wanted to run away and hide.
Now with regard to your husband. Realize that most human beings when confronted about embarassing things will often lie or twist the truth. When we are speaking about things of a sexual nature then multiply that X10. In psychology books and talk shows they often make it look like once you confront some one they automatically come clean and confess. No sometimes the shame /embarassment or their own confusion will have them deny it. Or they may tell you none of your business. So if you are hoping for closure and a clearing of the air and a nice happy explanation understand it may not be forthcoming.
Perhaps what you may want to do is talk with you husband and reassure him ( and stand by your word ) that you are not discussing this issue of the transsexual website and what it may or may not mean re his sexuality with your family or his family. ( Talking about it on an anonymous website is different) He would feel ultimately betrayed if you discussed with family. Because whether or not you ever get over this hurdle family and friends would perceive him differently and that could shatter his confidence which could already be shaken.
My suggestion talk to him don't accuse ask him what is going on ( I say this hoping that before the discovery you and your husband had a fairly decent relationship where you could discuss things). I would then suggest asking your husband to go to counselling with you. Again he may refuse. Not much you can do about that but then you may need to go get counselling for yourself. Again my advice keep this confidential between you and your husband. Dont't tell your family. OUt of concern family has a way of discussing personal and confidential information.
You are certainly in my thoughts and prayers. I know this is a tough road to walk. I do not believe in coincidence, we discover these types of things for a reason. You have to look at the implications of this also in terms of whether or not he has been having sex with others and any diseases etc.
Remember even though you may be angry, try and be gentle, no shouting or screaming. Your husband is already carrying around a ton of guilt over this. Sometimes people need to know that no matter what they are still lovable and precious. Wishing you the very best.
A thursday friend
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 March 2012):
 Yes, to SVC's "reply"....
All bets are "off" until you reveal to him that you've become aware of his on-line solicitation....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 March 2012):
 Why are you playing games with him?
did not tell him about the site?
sent an email trying to TRAP HIM?
you need to go to him with your PROOF and call him on it.
he will deny
he will beg
he will plead
what you decide to do is your decision.
for me the LIES are the problem.
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