A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had a dream where my boyfriend told me "I'll always be your friend" and it was basically a break up. Lately, things have felt different and I do suspect another woman is in the picture. His behavior has changed and I found lipgloss in his car he tried to hide from me. He's always texting and private on his phone. Less calls and he's become very concerned about his appearance. We rarely go anywhere together, but when he's off he drives almost an hour away to be with "friends" I'm never invited or told. He'll just say he has things to do and then if I ask, shortly tell me he was in the city with friends. Anyway, I don't want to wait for a blow-up and I was thinking of just telling him that we obviously are not in sync anymore and should part ways. I love him, it's been five years and no lie, it's been difficult but there have been good moments. I have this intuition and with this dream now and all the other signs, I'm ready to go and avoid a mess. Worst part is, he refuses to talk me. He rarely communicates. Sitting down with him and talking yields no results. He's 14 years older and set in his ways. Maybe he's found someone he can better relate to. Should I?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): Don't rely on dreams and intuition as any evidence of anything. I'd say a lip gloss might be circumstantial, but not totally incriminating; because it could have been left in his car by a friend's girlfriend, or a female family-member. He'd still might hide it; because it still looks suspicious if it's totally innocent. He probably has the guiltiest conscience on the planet.
Assess all the solid facts. Such as the lack of communication within the relationship, he doesn't take you anywhere, the relationship is stagnant, and you get no feedback when you try to communicate. These are clearer indications; the relationship is on life-support. Waiting for either of you to finally pull the plug.
I don't think your relationship is progressing; when your man doesn't even want to talk to you. He spends more time out with friends, and doesn't even invite you. Looking back in retrospect; how long has this been going on? Add that to your list of things to be considered.
Don't fault the man entirely. Maybe you should have let go a long-time ago. He just figured you'll dry-up and fall-off; if he ignored you long enough. People try to avoid dramatic and emotional situations resulting from a breakup; by hoping and wishing a clinging gf or bf would just grow unattached and make the first-move. They just want a trouble-free or drama-free breakup; so they patiently wait you out. Until you finally just give-up; then he doesn't have to look like the bad-guy.
Hypothetically speaking; perhaps he may think if the breakup is your idea, there will be less hassle. You'd be more emotionally-prepared for it. Seems he's had a head-start, and he's just biding his time. Slowly pulling away, and weaning you off. I would even speculate he'll seem shocked, aghast, and surprised; when you tell him go take a hike. It would be well-rehearsed by then. You really want to shake him up? Do it without any tears or visible emotion. It will be in his memory for years to come. So you'll have to get your cry on; before you make the speech.
The only problem with cowards like that is; suddenly you don't seem so bad, when they don't find a replacement for you right-away. Maybe some plan they had on the back-burner falls through. All of a sudden your value to him goes up; just when you happen to find someone better than he is. Then come calls out of the blue. All the stuff sad love-songs are made of. It's all bullsh*t.
Don't place too much stock in dream-visions or count on your intuition. That's all imaginary.
As opposed to gut-feelings and hunches. They are instincts, and usually come from the subconscious-mind; where your brain has been analyzing the facts all along. While the truth got held-up in denial. You seem to have enough solid facts before you, to make a sound decision. In any case, do what's best for you. You've invested too many years for such small dividends. Since you were around 16? The age group given above your post is between 22-25. I did the math.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): I don't think any one specific thing you mentioned on it's own would mean he is cheating, but take them all together like you have, and I believe you have a very good reason to be suspicious.
I think because of the fact he refuses to talk with you after repeated attempts, and him marginalizing you from his life bit by bit, that you will be better off without this guy.
You are young, and will find many other men with more in common with you to date. I think you are free to start looking.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2015):
 The dream is your subconscious telling you to listen to your gut
the lip gloss alone means NOTHING
but the hiding of the phone
the traveling an hour
and other things... yep
give the man his walking papers.
easiest thing to do... stop rowing the relationship boat and see what happens. DO not call him, do not text him, do not ask to see him. just sit back and watch what he does to nurture your relationship. it will be eye opening.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): Dream is not reality so it isn't evidence. Lip gloss maybe evidence but it does not mean it is cheating. If you think he is cheating then follow him secretly for few days where he goes and see if he actually cheats.
Do I think that you have some major irrational insecurity issues? Yes I do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 February 2015):
 I don't think you can go by a dream alone.
Dreams are not reality, they are not forewarning or truths. They are your brains way of making sense of things you saw, heard, smelled and somehow dreams process these things and come up with some variation of what you are currently occupied with or something that seems TOTALLY random. Personally, I have most of the "random" category then anything else.
Your INTUITION however, I DO think you can go by. We sense things about people around us. We pick up little clues. The fact that he NEVER takes you out? He doesn't introduce you to "new" or "old" friends? Less contact than before? He refuses to talk?
THESE things I would trust. I think you are right. I think he has "mentally" (at least) left the relationship, but because you have been together for 5 years he might not be so hasty in giving up. Except, he isn't making sure the relationship is still STRONG. Familiarity is what he is holding on to.
Wanting privacy on his phone doesn't mean he is cheating. He has EVERY right to be private with his phone.
Having lip-gloss in the car doesn't mean he is cheating, he could have given a co-worker or friend a ride. (trying to HIDE the lip gloss, however, makes it a tad more suspect).
All of a sudden being more interested in his appearance doesn't mean he is cheating. He is 14 years your senior, so maybe he doesn't WANT to look his age? Maybe someone commented on his age/looks and he felt he needed to spruce up a bit.
The thing (for me) is that you don't really feel loved or wanted by him any more. So what is IN it for you? Seems less and less. And I don't think you should settle for that.
If you have stuff at his place next time you are there pack them up and bring them home. Get a box, walk around your place and find ALL his stuff, put it in the box and then talk to him. THAT way with all "stuff" being where it SHOULD be (your stuff at yours, and his at his) it will be "easier" to cut the contact. I would suggest NOT to go the "friends" route the first 6-12 months, if at all.
There is no need to wait for the "death rattle" of a relationship or to "catch" him at cheating, you can end it any time you think it's no longer working.
Chin up and good luck.
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