A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think I'm over thinking this but I need another view point on this one. What would you think if your boyfriend came home after a stag party, and then the next morning you found an empty condom wrapper in his pocket along with a phone number written on the back of a scrap piece of paper in another piece of clothing? I'm driving myself mad with possible thoughts but I'm scared to face him! Maybe because I fear he has cheated but also because I know I wouldn't be able to stop myself from screaming at him even if he tells me it's not true.He has always been faithful, his parents divorced due to one of them having an affair so he has always made his views on that clear. He does however watch porn but I don't view that as cheating or lying at I'm aware of this. What happened was, he came back home drunk, took his clothes off in the kitchen (which leads to our downstairs bathroom) and had a shower. I know he was drunk while he had a shower because of the mess he made in the bathroom! Then he came up to bed and feel asleep. I was already sleeping. I woke up and found the mess, cleared it up and went to put the washing machine on. I always check his pockets, force of habit and found the wrapper. In another pocket, his jacket, I found the number. I did look in the jacket pocket after finding the wrapper because I thought it might be a bad joke or something, maybe I was thinking I might find something else too but whatever reason, I found them both. I rang the number and a female picked up, and I ended the call and sat for ages thinking of how to ask him what the hell was going on. I couldn't think of anything to say! It's been three weeks, and I keep avoiding his touches, or being around him. I know I have to face him about this but what do I say? I know his mates are jokers but I don't know what to think.
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female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (20 June 2014):
It would be nice o know what happened after you had our advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): I'm sorry but I think the answer is so obvious but you just don't want to face up to it.People so very often have strong opinions about something and seem against it, because they actually long to do precisely that thing.I think you are scared to face up to the truth and I don't blame you, I do understand. But if you 'let this go' or even talk to him about it, he will basically try to convince you that nothing happened and because you want that to be true, you will try to persuade yourself that it really is true.But maybe another way to think about it is this: what would have happened if YOU had come home stone drunk, made a mess, he'd found a condom wrapper and a 'phone number in your pocket? It seems inconceivable to you that you would ever do that doesn't it? Because YOU wouldn't be unfaithful. And so you don't want to believe that he is different to you and is capable of being unfaithful. But the evidence is staring you in the face and right now, all that's happening is that you are praying that it's not true and that you don't have to deal with the consequences.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (24 May 2014):
Actually I did mention forgiveness. However I don't think it is possible to think that far ahead. You can't know what you will do until the truth is there. Then, if he does confess what would you make of his silly friends and the forthcoming wedding? What a secret to keep.
Still, if it were me I would want to know and I would then break up. It would be one of my rules from then on, not to date someone who would go on a traditional stag do, because they are all seedy.
You may be able to forgive him if he got you trusting again, but really can't see how he could ever do enough. He really has made a mess. I am sorry, he may have wrecked your relationship. It is not your fault.
My kind of man just would not be interested in going!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): Well, as expected; everyone says go after the cheating bastard! What they don't tell you is what to do if you get the truth.
What are you planning to do if it is confirmed he cheated?
Dump him, because he cheated.
That will never sit well with you. After the advice you've been given, forgiveness was not once mentioned. There has to be a consequence. You want a confession? Then also know what to do about it, once you get it. My advice is long; because I don't give half-assed advice. I think it out first.
So, prepare to breakup.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (24 May 2014):
 Does your boyfriend usually come home from nights out and instantly jump in a shower like that? That's my first thought. Usually if I'm drunk and coming home from a night of partying, I just crash; the shower comes when I wake up. I don't hop straight in a shower. He may have been trying to wash the evidence (scent) off.
Honestly, if I saw something like that, I'd feel certain my partner cheated. Why else would he have a girls phone number in his pocket and an empty condom wrapper? How can you possibly explain away the wrapper? Why would he have another dudes condom wrapper in his pocket? The number and the wrapper together are pretty damning evidence. You need to talk to him about this. I have no clue how you've sat on this for three whole weeks!
I know you say that if you confronted him, you wouldn't be able to prevent yourself from screaming, but can you at least try to remain calm and just discuss it with him? I always think that's the best thing to do. You don't have to accuse him. Just ask him about it and let him talk. See what he has to say. If you don't talk to him about it and either clear the air or find out he cheated, it's just going to drive you mad. You need to know the truth about it in order to move on one way or another.
Catch him off guard. Sit down one night at the end of the night and just flat out tell him what you saw and ask him to explain it. This way, he won't have time to think up a lie (if he hasn't already come up with one). And even if he has thought one up, he will most likely not have suspected the conversation, so he will be thrown off. This is key for finding out if he's telling the truth or not. If he studders or fidgets or won't make eye contact, he likely is lying.
I think you've tortured yourself long enough. It's time to speak up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 May 2014):
 If you kept the number and the wrapper I suggest you ask him to sit down a minute because you have something to talk about.
Pull out the wrapper and phone number and ask him, what happened Stag Night that led you to having a girl's number and condom wrapper in your pocket?
If he says I can't remember or I was too drunk, tell him you don't buy it and for him to just ell the truth. Keep your voice calm, no crying no screaming.
If he keeps denying or won't look you in the face I suggest you whip out your cell phone and say, well WHY don't we CALL this girl and ask her? MY bet is.. he will fess up.
I DO think he did something he shouldn't have, if they had been making "balloon animals" out of condoms he wouldn't have tucked the wrapper in his pocket.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (24 May 2014):
Not over thinking, perhaps trying to explain away,avoid or go into denial. All understandable. It's as obvious as the nose on your face. Not only that your instincts are telling you it is true by making you feel you don't want him to touch you.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (24 May 2014):
The reason the wrapper is in his pocket is because he was too drunk to be careful about it. Nobody planted it there, they would all have been too drunk to plan such meticulous sneakery.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): Until you talk to him, you will never get to the bottom of things. Not touching him and going through all the motions you've described so far, is a passive-aggressive way of handling it. It's ineffective and somewhat cowardly. He has to face the music, my dear.
If you aren't going to dismiss it as a possible joke, then I guess you have to grow the nuggets to address the issue head-on.
Take a few slow deep breaths, and slowly exhale; then tell him that you found a condom wrapper in his pocket, when you cleaned up his mess after the stag party. You also found a woman's number. I suggest you be honest and tell him you called it to confirm if it was real, and a woman answered.
You must be a woman about it, and not freakout like a weepy schoolgirl. You want answers. Dramatizing will only give him an excuse to attempt an escape, and blame it on your highly emotional reaction. Being drunk is no excuse. He at least had the cognizance to wear a condom.
As stag parties go, under the "Guy Code of Silence;" all in attendance will pressure full participation in all party activities. You know exactly what stag parties are. Under the Code of Silence, all the guys guilty of violations of their relationships are at the mercy of those who didn't do anything. None of the guys at the party, including the groom, are going to want to let-on what happened. Most may not even remember. There is a lot of alcohol consumption,
sometimes drugs, and usually porn and/or strippers.
I do find it suspect that he would keep the wrapper in his pocket. Don't you? Knowing you usually go through his pockets when you do the laundry. Uh-huh!!! Yeh!
The woman you called could have slipped that wrapper and her number in his pocket. To set him up. Even his friends would set him up; to be sure he couldn't rat on the rest.
They knew for certain you (and all the other the other females) were going to have a reason to go through pockets and underwear; which I don't by a long shot believe you just happened to go homeland security just to be doing his laundry. You could have made him clean up his own mess. You had every intention of doing your forensic search no matter what. He went to a stag party. You admitted you'd freakout if you thought he cheated. Dead-giveaway. I'm not stupid, my dear.
You got your evidence for snooping, so now you have a decision to make.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (24 May 2014):
Stag nights are occasions when anything can happen and from what you found I would say it did. You need the truth and you must talk to him. The fact that he showered makes me think that he felt dirty, possibly. Despite the best intentions, naked girls at certain clubs combined with drink is a dangerous combination. He owes you the truth. I am sure he would want your forgiveness, in which case stag nights and those friends would be off the menu forever. What about the bride as well? You could be reasonably sure they were all doing the same. Although it happens all the time, I sure would not marry anyone who wanted to go on a do like that. Look, The evidence is there. You are right about your suspicions and he needs to come clean or this will be forever doubting him. You need the chance to decide whether you want to forgive him. There is no point in him denying this, he has made a mistake, stupid boy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): call the number, see who answers!!
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