A
male
age
30-35,
*GP 88
writes:Okay... so this is a really embarrassing question for me, but It's been bothering me for a long time.Here's the story... I was with a girl, who I fell in love with. She told me how her ex boyfriend had sexually abused her, and I respected that. We had sex for a year (the amount gradually decreasing), and then after that we just stopped because it hurt her (I know this sounds a little weird but it is a relevant part of the story). Anyway, we were together for 3 and a half years altogether, so that was 2 and a half years without sex, and I was fine with that because I understood it. For some reason though, I never questioned why she never seeked medical help until two years of no sex. When I did confront her, she seeked it, and was given advice etc, but was told she would't be ok for a long time. Six months later we ended up splitting and going our separate ways (I want to make this clear that this is not because of the lack of sex). Around two months later she gets with this guy from her workplace. I receive a phone call from her one day. She was crying and told me she has chlamydia and that I may have it too, as her new boyfriend says that he never had it so it must be me. I told her I'd get a test, but didn't, as I knew I didn't have it, as she was my first and my only. She contacted her doctors surgery the next day and found out that a test from when she was with me showed that she didn't have it. She called me to tell me the good news, but then I asked the question "have you had sex with your new boyfriend then?" and she replied "yes". I was heartbroken. If she had problems down there due to her traumatic experience, which a doctor even said it would take a long long time to recover from, then how could she do it with this guy?! Especially after not doing it with me for two years!! This girl was very controlling and shattered my confidence, but this topped it all off and I literally have no self confidence! I've been on a couple of dates since breaking up with her well over a year ago and I failed miserably on both of them because of my lack in confidence. I've put a lot of weight too because of it and I just feel like I'm a bit stuck.I know this is an unbelievably hard question to answer, but is there any advice anybody can give me to lift myself up? And does anybody else think it was out of order what she did? Or do some people understand? Different points of view are appreciated. I also appreciate anybody who has taken the time to read this, as I realise it is huuuuge!! x
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broke up, confidence, fell in love, heartbroken, her ex, workplace Reply to this Question
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male
reader, BGP 88 +, writes (29 May 2010):
BGP 88 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sorry it took so long to reply. Thanks for the advice everyone! All helpful in different ways :)
In response to the first ladt to write, I've decided to help my mum out around the house. as she doesn't have too much time.
To Laura1318, I agree, I have learnt a valuable lesson from this.
Tasmanian Devil, thanks for the advice... I've always been trying that but I dunno, it's hard! I do go out to clubs n stuff all the time though (am a student :D), which is partly why I gained so much weight lol.
cassanra, I'm certain she wasn't with anyone else whilst I was with her... we were around each other too often (that was part of the whole controlling thing). Your point that "you was born into this world by yourself" properly means something to me though so thank you :) x
and to the final lady who commented... I do get what you're saying but it's hard for me, I know this sounds kinda pathetic but I just can't get over it yet. I've got great friends and everything but religion can't help me (I was born a Christian, but don't really follow a religion). But now its summer, I have plenty of free time (university has finished for the year :D) and I just need to get fit and enjoy life!
So anyway, thanks so much to everyone who took the time to read my question and to reply to it! Means a lot! Also, I've noticed that everyone who did reply was female! Which speaks volumes to me. Anyway thanks again :) xxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Have you ever read anything on Buddhism. I know this is not what you'd probably like to hear right now, but just wait a minte...and keep reading. Buddhism is the 4th largest religion in the world (over 350 million followers) In Buddhism you learn that suffering arises from attachment, desires and worrying about what others think of you. Perhaps you might benefit from this enlightened state of mind called Buddhism. Detach from her (your former girlfriend). Perhaps she just didn't care for you so much anymore...that doesn't mean you are bad!... or that others won't care for you or even love you. I'm sure they will when you get your original self back. You are perfect just the way you are. I mean, I've dated guys that I cared for and even thought I was 'in love' with them. Perhaps I WAS. I've dated men that 'loved' me, but they just weren't my type or what I wanted. Please don't allow what others (especially just one person) feels or felt about you get you feeling bad about yourself. Please! Desire is not a bad thing, but look up the basics of Buddhism. I personally was raised a Catholic and abandoned all organized religion in my late teens, but this whole 'enlightenment' movement makes very, very good sense. Please forget about her. You'll look back on this period of your life one day and say "Jeese, why'd I let her rob me of my self esteem like that?" Go get happy and just "let go". I'm practicing 'letting go" and it is sooo freeing! Best wishes to you!!
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A
female
reader, cassanra")  +, writes (27 March 2010):
 Wow. I agree with one read.. You do have a good heart.
Now as for the advice.. Karma is a bitch. sorry for the language but its true. I'm pretty sure during those 2 years you guys wasn't having sex she was having sex with other people. A women needs sex just as a man does. I understand your upset about the whole situation but there's nothing you can do for her wrong being. She made a mistake now its on her to make it better for herself and if she wants to continue being with you she has to work at that too. Don't let this female bring you down. Something i always tell myself is "you was born into this world by yourself" so you don't need no one to bring you down you can rise yourself up from this and you will you just have to believe in yourself. You have a good heart and you'll find someone just don't rush it.
Good luck. I really do mean it.
-Cassandra
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A
female
reader, Tasmanian devil +, writes (27 March 2010):
 Controlling people don't really see the effect of their work but see what they want, you should just forget about her. As for lifting yourself up, try talking to girls when you go out to a club with friends or something it might not lift you up but im sure it will help build up your confidence. Do things that make you happy/smile (and i dont mean comfort eat) try something new, im sure it will be a laugh if not interesting and don't forget nt all women are like that.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 March 2010):
 We should not judge others and let them be because they will reaped what they sowed .
We can only bless them and forgive them for the wrongs and move on.
Whatever happened cannot be undone and we can only learn from our mistakes.
We should not blame her for the ills or what you are going through now.Get out of your self pity and learn to walk again .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): You sound like you have such a good heart! You're ex had a lot of problems, but unfortunately it seems like she took advantage of you and it shattered your confidence.
You deserve to be treated better.
The best way I've found to help me out of life's misery is to do something for someone else. Doing little things for other people will build your self respect.Some suggestions: do some lawn work for an elderly neighbor, pick up trash at your local park, fix a friend's computer problem, etc. Pick something you enjoy and do it for someone else.
Believe me, you'll feel better. You'll be satisfying your own caring nature, plus you'll have the joy of helping others.
Sounds corny, but it truly works!
Best of luck to you.
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