A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we have lived together for one year. He is 42 and I am 48. Before we got together he had not had a girlfriend for about 15 years. He said he had resigned himself to being single for ever. I think his confidence had taken a blow after a failed relationship. He was in a job he hated lived alone and rarely got out much. His life has changed over the months and he seems much happier. He has a new job, a passport and things are a lot brighter. I knew him before as a friend. I love him dearly - he's a kind-hearted, helpful and we get on well. As a personality he is very shy and introverted and not very verbally expressive. He never uses terms of endearment and when he occasionally texts, they are plain and factual with no lovey dovey words. This makes me feel like I have to be plain and factual too as my verbal affection is not reciprocated and I feel I have to revert to his level (effectively gagging myself). This morning I stuck my neck out and ended a text with "love you" to which he has not replied. We did have a previous issue as he never said he loved me. Now he mumbles it very occasionally and I'm wondering if this is just to placate me. I feel short changed but should I be happy with my lot? I can't imagine he would ever be looking for anything else.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 April 2011):
 He doesn't use words to express his feelings, but he expresses them in other ways. Just because he doesn't tell you often that he loves you, or is lovey dovey with you, doesn't mean he cares less. Regardless of having been single for long or not, some men (and women) aren't comfortable with being verbally expressive.
I think you will just have to look at other forms of gratification and romance than cute text, long confessions of love, poetry and the like. Perhaps you could tell him a few other simple things he can do? Like buy you flowers, without having to write a card? That could be a way to be romantic that all women appreciate, without him having to use the words.
My boyfriend is good at telling me he loves you, but even so he does express himself better through action than words. There's been times when he doesn't want to be all lovey dovey, but if I asked he'd go out in the middle of the night just to get to an open gas station and buy me whatever it was I wanted. He also does my dishes each time he visits, as his way of keeping me around he says. He wants to be useful and wants to DO things for me.
Perhaps your guy would feel better if he knew there were things he could do for you that makes you happy? Or maybe he already is doing those things, and next time he does them you can think of them as his way of showing you his love and care.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 I feel your pain my BF is 37 and he cannot say "I LOVE YOU". He told me of this before we got to the stage of our relationship where we would be saying it so I was prepared.we have actually had conversations where I say "do you mind that i tell you I love you?" and he says "no do you mind that I can't tell you I do?" and I say in all honesty NO because it' doesn't bother me. I do not know why it doesn't bother me... In past relationships it was a critical thing for me to hear that my partner loved me...The funny thing is I KNOW this man loves me whereas hearing "I love you" from my husband always had me questioning if he actually did... if he KNEW what the words meant...My BF has been known to reply to my "I love you" statement with the following (at different times)thank you (this one is funny to me)I love you too (rare very rare whch makes it all the more special)he will text me with IWU to my ILY which means I WANT YOU vs I LOVE YOU.... he once said "I l....." and I said "oh you almost said the L word.... and it was a joke for us... he really just stumbles over this word.last weekend his statement was "I l word you" I laughed..so his inability to say "I love you" is overshadowed by his actual love for me.My friends who have seen him with me all say the same thing "that man adores you, you own him"it's funny to me that actions do speak louder than words for the first time in my life.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 April 2011):
 You've been with him for two years and living together for one? He still has issues saying "I love you"?First of all, never make excuses for a man's inability to show intimacy. It doesn't matter if he hadn't had a relationship in 15 years (that would put him at 27). Sooner or later, we take ahold of our lives and move on past pain. You should not change nor gag yourself. You must be who you are, or you will be miserable and resentful.There's only one thing to do at this point. Talk to him directly about this. Don't hope he gets it or worse, stew on it. Tell him plainly that as a man needs sex, so a woman needs affection (verbal and emotional). Tell him that if he were to go without sex, it would be unbearable.Likewise, tell him that his lack of verbal and emotional intimacy is making you feel miserable. You can't exist with emotional distance, and he has to make an effort to open up around you.However, I don't know if he'll change. If he's nursed bitterness for 15 years, old habits are hard to break. Straight talk is in order here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Is this just about the fact that he doesn't say "I love you" or use terms of endearment? Some people just are not expressive like that. However, maybe you can "train" him--one of my friends was around 70 when she married a man 10 years younger than she, and she would tell him she loved him at random times, catching him by surprise. She says now it's perfectly normal for them. :)
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