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I feel put off by the way he lost his virginity!

Tagged as: Health, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 December 2016) 21 Answers - (Newest, 18 December 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I just found out my boyfriend lost his virginity to a prostitute, it wasnt on a lads holiday or anything he did it to lose his virginity. Is it wrong that i feel put off by this?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (18 December 2016):

chigirl agony auntYou still don't get it?

Im not talking dangerous jobs, Im talking consent to sex. Do explain how deep sea fishing is related.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016):

Prostitution is a financial necessity for some.

So is deep sea fishing, which has a severe injury & death rate. Guess what? That is almost exclusively male.

Most dangerous jobs are exclusively male. Financial necessity is a big component for many of the people in them. Do you protest any of this like you protest prostitution?

The world is full of professions that are dangerous and/or morally compromising. The world is full of people who engage in them by choice, with some having more alternate options than others. Why is prostitution treated as a non-choice but not the other things?

There are literal sex slaves in the world. That is a terrible thing. There are also forced-labor slaves. That is terrible too. But nobody equates hiring cheaply-paid labor with hiring literal slave labor. But people equate hiring paid sex workers with hiring sex slaves.

Why are sex workers different from other types of workers? Is this because they are mostly female? Is hurting women worse than hurting men just on principle? I struggle to see any other reasoning for the difference.

There is the lack of respect that comes with being a sex worker but that is true of many other professions too. Try being a lawyer defending an unpopular criminal. Or a repo man. Etc. Prostitution is not the only profession that people find themselves embarrassed to admit.

The moral side of sex is a non-argument unless you are willing to grant that anyone having promiscuous sex is equally bad or oppressed.

What's really going on here is that people want to have it both ways. They want the option of cheapening sex down to nothing when it suits them. But they won't give up the option of decrying that kind of cheapening when the wrong people do it for unpopular reasons.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (18 December 2016):

chigirl agony auntOh, sorry, I realize now that I read your post wrong, but I think it was a reasonable mistake for me to assume you meant that male person in your story was the "prostitute" since he was the one sleeping around.

To set the record straight, those women in your story didn't cheapen themselves or act like prostitutes, it was the MAN who did that. The women enjoyed their sexual freedom, and it was consensual. Yes, that money transaction does make all the difference, because it draws the line between what is consensual and what isn't.

If you still need to know the difference, lets take money out of the equation and talk about what defines consensual. Lets say a person who takes money for sex is asleep, unable to say no. A person who does not take money for sex is awake, and able to say no or yes.

When you have sex with a girl, and she's asleep, is it consensual? No, that's called raped. Because she wasn't in a position to give concent.

When a prostitute gets paid for sex, can she say no? I guess in you mind she can, but in reality she can not. There is a reason she is in this profession, to support herself. She needs the money. Would she have sex with you for free? No? Then it's not consensual. It crosses into the gray area of taking advantage of someone. That is why it is ILLEGAL in many countries, because allowing prostitution so often equals supporting a system that enslaves people, and rapes people.

Women and men both can have all the free and consensual sex they want, there should be no double standard. But you can not compare consensual sex with paying for a prostitute. That is about as good a comparison as comparing a hug to a slap across the cheek. Yes, it's both physical contact, but one is good, the other hurts.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (18 December 2016):

chigirl agony aunt" Those girls were no better."

Yes, they were better. Because they weren't trading another human like a commodity and paying for sex.

I think you are confusing consensual sex with sex as a service being paid to perform. That's not consensual sex, that is the difference.

If you think that women who get paid for sex would be having sex anyway, and that they do it because they enjoy it and would like some extra cash, then I will give you half a point, that no, that's not much different from, say, a woman who marries an old man because of his money. It's something you choose to do because money is good and you would enjoy that life style.

But do not get stupid and think that this is how real life looks for the majority of sex workers. They're there because they have no other choice. And when you have no other choice, it's not consensual, even if you get paid for it.

Lets use the guy from your example and put it in context. For it to be the same as buying sex from a prostitute, that hot model looking man would have to be.. well, a prostitute. Getting paid through sex would have to be his only way of getting an income. He wouldn't be able to treat the ladies that came to him in any other fashion than politely and obediently, because they were paying for his body, not his words or brain.

Paying for someones body is another form of slavery. Did those girls pay for the mans body, even though he was hot and had sex with them?

The BIG difference here is that the man in your example had sex because he wanted to, not because he had to. The prostitute has sex not because she wants to, but because she is being paid to. This is such an extreme difference that I am baffled you do not know it, and hope this has cleared it up for you, mister male anon.

BTW your post reeks of jealousy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2016):

A guy at my college was the classic stereotype male slut. He looked like a model, came from some money, etc. He screwed dozens of girls at least.

Those girls mostly knew what they were doing. His sluttiness was well known. They weren't doing it expecting a relationship with him. He didn't even treat them very well. He was about as selfish as it gets and he talked crap about some of them later. Whatever those girls were getting out the experience, it wasn't respect or a relationship. Maybe not even a very polite encounter. I doubt he was a very generous lover. But he looked like a model.

Just for the sake of argument, if I ran into one of those girls today, and had to listen to her judging her boyfriend because he slept with a prostitute one time years ago, I would be trying not to laugh. Those girls were no better. What was the male slut doing for them? He won the genetic lottery instead of the money lottery.

Not every guy would be that slut if he could. Not every girl would hook up with him. But almost everyone will defend other people's right to do it. Especially if it was "mistakes in their youth."

What makes it so different to hire a prostitute? The OP's boyfriend didn't have the good looks & charisma & attitude to get a casual hookup so he traded some money for it. Did that male slut from my college show his girls any more respect than a person hiring a prostitute?

What makes it so different for the prostitute to accept money instead of a sexy score of a guy? Do people have a God-given right to cheapen themselves all they want without judgment later on, as long as their form of payment was not cash money?

Prostitution is an ugly thing. There are practical reasons not to like it. But most people have no business getting on a high horse about the morality side of it. People expect the right to cheapen & commodify sex all they want, without judgment, if the circumstances are a just a little different.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 December 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly it would put me off as well. Most prostitutes are trafficked in the UK. My bet is he didn't enjoy it he just wanted it over and done with. If you can over come this then first off get down to the STI clinic as not all are clean. Then secondly talk to him about why and tell him how you feel and work out if you can both get passed this.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (16 December 2016):

chigirl agony auntMale anon, what a load of crap. Women/girls aren't mind readers, we never get interested in a man based on his "number". It's not like he has it written on his forehead, in which case I think you'd see that most people tend to run away from those with high numbers as it's seen as a negative as well. You just can't beat the game, lol, you're either a spinster or a slut. Anyway. No, the number of sexual encounters is completely irrelevant.

But the thing you're failing to see is that in order to get a girl to bed, a man needs charm. Women fall for charm. If a man has charm, it doesn't matter if he's a virgin, we honestly don't care.

I have a friend that was a virgin until he was 24. He was full of charm too, but was extremely insecure. But very charming none the less, and he acquired multiple female friends. All who undoubtedly wanted to be more with him, as I observed myself. They would flat out make moves on him, and he was blind to it all. I even tried myself! I would flirt extensively, and he barely noticed I was there. Everyone knew he was a virgin, didn't seem to bother anyone at all.

I was the lucky girl who grabbed him, but it was a tough job! I had to tell him flat out that I liked him and wanted to be his girlfriend, he didn't pick up on any of my hints. And boy did I get a lot of jealous looks afterwards from all the other ladies in his circle.

Charm, dear male anon. That is what women want. Not sexual experience.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (16 December 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntPressure from society is different to pressure from individuals. Society pushes the thin ideals, but most individuals don't, even when asked. Those who do should be ignored as shallow people. This is the same. Individuals who say they want experienced bad boys are shallow, immature and should be ignored. Ignoring it is difficult, but it's more of a choice to ignore shallow individuals, than to try to ignore society's pressure to be thin.

OP, it is up to you if you can move past this or not. He wasn't an "old" virgin and he paid to use someone's body for sex (a profession they may or may not have willingly gone into). The only way I could potentially move past it is if he genuinely regrets it and wishes he'd never paid for sex or used someone else's body for his own pleasure. That said, it'll be hard to see if he feels that way without you prompting him and him just telling you what you want to hear.

Regardless of your decision, please do thank him for being honest because that took guts.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016):

Agreed. Some young girls are not attracted to guys who have slept around.

Some young guys prefer overweight girls. Does that invalidate a heavy girl's complaint that she feels social pressure to be thin?

Guys do get tons of pressure to be sexually active. Girls are responsible for that pressure just as much as other guys are, if not more. Girls don't literally do the finger-pointing at male virgins but they don't have to. Their influence is already enormous just from which guys they are attracted to.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (15 December 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntMale anon, associating yourself with shallow girls will always give you the "we want an experienced bad boy" response.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016):

Young guys might not feel so much pressure to lose their virginity if it weren't for so many young girls wanting "experienced" guys.

Girls tell male virgins that there is nothing wrong with a guy being a virgin. They may even say its cute or they admire his morals. But actions speak louder than words. Which guy do more young girls get interested in: a cute moral virgin, or a male slut with a string of other girls always trying to jump him?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (15 December 2016):

chigirl agony auntNot, not at all. It'd put me off too. This is why when guys come to this site ans ask about going to a prostitute to lose their virginity, we advice them not to do it. Because it ISN'T seen as a good thing in the eyes of a woman. It's a big turn off. Never mind the fact that it's illegal in several countries, it is morally questionable, and as a woman, we want to feel respected. We do not feel respected as a gender when our boyfriends have gone out and paid for another womans body. Like a commodity, a cattle, a toy in the store. It's just morally wrong.

But from his point of view, men think that being a virgin is a terrible thing, and that women do not want male virgins, or that we laugh at them, or that we are turned off by them. They honestly think that losing virginity to a prostitute is better than being a virgin.

The few guys that come on this site get corrected, but who knows if they listen.

How long have you been with him? Did he lie to you about this, or did you ask and he answered honestly? How does he feel about it himself, does he regret it? Is he proud of it? Has he gone to see a prostitute several times? Has he ever been tested for STD's?

This, to me, would be reason enough to end the relationship, actually. But you need to think about how much this matters to you, and if this is something you can accept in a partner or not.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016):

Not all prostitution is the same. Some people are trapped in that industry because of hard life circumstances. Others are doing it quite voluntarily. Some people hire prostitutes and treat them like crap. Others treat them like human beings.

I am not saying you have to like that industry. I don't. Most people don't.

But your BF's experience may not have been so ugly as you imagine it to be. Would he like to hire a prostitute while knowing that she is trapped in the industry and hating every second of it? Would he do that without any remorse? Does he seem like the type of guy to treat a prostitute like crap and see her as a piece of trash just for sleeping with him? I doubt he is that kind of guy or you would not be with him.

If your BF's experience was not so ugly then I think you should let it go. The fact is guys are under HUGE pressure to lose their virginity and 3 quarters of guys do not have the kind of access to easy casual sex that 3 quarters of women do. Women don't always accept this when they hear it but its the truth. Any guy (from any of the quarters) will agree with this.

Women can get casual sex with a hottie easily. The challenge is getting a guy in a committed relationship. But that is all reversed for men. Men can get a committed relationship easily. Getting casual sex with a hottie is the big challenge for us.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (14 December 2016):

Caring Aunty A agony auntFact and point of the matter is he did not bother to wait or value keeping his virginity for someone special as I believe it’s meant to be. He did exploit and pay another human being for sex which is not considered an honourable personal accomplishment.

Pending on your values and principles; what quality of character do you want in a man as your BF, who later may become your future Husband and Father of your children? The way in which he chose to lose his virginity shows you his principles and standards are weak... His attitude towards some women deservedly or not is questionable?

Personally I loathe sexual-exploitation period, I was soooo put off by a BF for having been with a Prostitute, prior to me in his stupid days; I COULD NOT RESPECT HIM! He did regret his mistake; I thanked him for his honesty which ultimately allowed me to make my decision to leave. I hope you do the same.

For me I give no latitude for; this type of stupidity; succumbing to Peer pressure or rite of passage as there all EXCUSES, as no-one held a gun to his head!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016):

I agree with male anon. I applaud your guy for telling you the truth, however if it is a deal breaker for you then you should break up with him. However if you decide to move past this, truly let go and do not use this fact as a weapon in any arguments you might have.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016):

Ok so he might have decided this was the quickest easiest way to lose his virginity without the pressure or commitment. However I would personally see this as a deal breaker and not get beyond it. If I found out my boyfriend had slept with a prostitute it would not matter when it was we'd be over. It's a matter of principle.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (13 December 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntFirst off, don't engage in any sexual activity before you both get tested for STDs - if you have had sexual contact already, still both get tested!

Secondly, I couldn't be with anyone that thought that *paying* for sex was okay. I wouldn't be compatible with someone who can hook up with people, as it's really important to me that intimacy is only shared when there's a strong emotional connection and, luckily, I'm with someone who feels the same. However, I do see hooking up randomly as different to buying someone's body for their sexual pleasure.

I admire him for being honest, but I'm not sure I could stay with him - especially as he'd hardly been an "old" virgin. Can you look past this or will it continue to bother you?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 December 2016):

From any perspective, the exploitation and objectification of a human being by soliciting and purchasing sex is unacceptable. Unfortunately, it is a fact of life. Perhaps he over-shared, but I think his heart was in the right place. He wanted to be honest and candid with you; and awkward as it may be, he is attempting to earn your trust.

Sexual-exploitation and unlawful sexual-solicitation is a crime; although, it is quite a lucrative trade all over the world. As Honeypie mentioned in her post, many prostitutes (male, female, even children) are victims of human trafficking. So even though some guys think these unfortunate people are plying the trade for their own profit, that may be far from the truth. This is not said to increase your trepidation my dear, it's a matter of fact.

I advocate being tested for STDs for straight and gay couples just becoming a committed-couple and sexually-active. I also advocate that you be tested every 90 days, if you are sexually-active; even with a regular committed partner, but taking the risk of not using condoms. Birth-control does not prevent the risk of infection. No condom, no sex.

Unbelievably, many straight-couples take it for granted that only gays get STDs. HIV infection, to be more specific.

Please try to be understanding; and judge your young man by his personality and values. This is probably the traditional male right-of-passage practiced by his clan; or something recommended by some older moronic male-figure in his life. Many young men get frustrated with wanting to try sex for the first time. Often under peer-pressure for being a virgin, gay accusations; and/or some would prefer by-passing the fall-in-love first option. Men just don't think like women. That's a fact.

Peer-pressure, or even ostracism from their own fathers or brothers; guys will often submit to using a prostitute. When there is no willing and accessible female; who will submit to sex only for the purpose of taking some guy's virginity, at no benefit to herself. Not many women want to be used and just put aside once the deed is done. To some knuckle-headed misguided young men, sexual prowess and proof you've lost your virginity is more important than good character as a man. They usually have a knuckle-dragging neanderthal for a father posing as a man; or no positive male role-models to properly guide them to manhood. It's far worse for male virgins than female-virgins, my dear! Not excusing the use of prostitutes by any means!

Try not to let that incident in his past bother you too much. Focus on the more important attributes needed for a lasting and healthy relationship: Trust-worthiness, strong character, tenderness, patience, affectionate, loyalty, respectfulness, generosity, kindness, and the capacity to love.

What do you have in your past that you're not too willing to share? Only because you don't wish him to judge you or be put-off by it? We all do.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (13 December 2016):

Fatherly Advice agony auntI think you should think about the whys behind your feelings. Honey proposed one, let me propose another.

Perhaps you feel that if he was more attractive or interesting then he would have had lots of opportunities to lose his virginity without a financial transaction. This could make you feel like you are settling for an unattractive guy and you should be able to do better.

I won't say that your feelings are wrong, but you should put in the work to understand them before dismissing or accepting them.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016):

Flip the question around. A guy says he is put-off by the way a girl lost her virginity. What do you think of him?

As for the prostitution part, I could explain why that is not as different from girls casually sleeping around as it might seem. But when men try to say anything like this we usually get attacked and/or comments deleted. Its one of those times when people demand an answer but they reject any answer they get.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 December 2016):

Honeypie agony auntYou are not alone.

I think MOST women (actually) would feel it's a little icky for a man to BUY sex from a prostitute. And most of us have this notion that prostitutes are walking STD factories. Which may or may not be true.

For a guy in the UK to have lost his virginity to a prostitute it was an illegal trade, which means the woman could have been trafficked, could have been a drug addict or someone in a "massage parlor".

Men on the other hand, may not look at it in the same way. There is a HUGE stigma for (some) men to NOT be a virgin for long. It's like a guy in his 20's must be a "loser" to be a virgin still (it's OK for women though, because that just means they are more "pure.. right?!)

The thing is, OP, HE can't change the fact or the past and you might not be able to change how you feel about it. SO... take some time to figure out if you can reconcile the idea of him having paid for sex or not and act accordingly.

OH and DO get "mutual" STD check ups. While I don't think ALL prostitutes are full of STD's I do think MANY of the ones who doing it don't really care.

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