A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for two years.At first, my husband couldnt keep his hands off me, but then life changed. Reality if you like. Work, baby, health etc.I work in a high powered, stressful job. Out early. Get home very late. My husband got made redundant 6 months ago, and he decided this was the sign, and to get away from the stress and to work from home. Now he enjoys his life. Advertises in the news paper and gets the odd job.But life is so much more peaceful for him, and to tell the truth, I am a bit jealous of his new relaxed life. He has taken over a lot of my duties with the children and house, because he has the time now. Financially he gets a quarter of what he used to, and the bulk of the breadwinning now lays squarely on my shoulders...(I earned more than him even before)He takes my son (from prev relationship) to school and he looks after the baby (6m old) and cooks food etc.It is good for the children to be looked after by a parent.The thing is... I wanted to be that parent (said with tears in eyes)The children progressively turns to him now for their needs.I get home at night and they are playing on the living room floor and everyone is so happy. And he gets up and says: lets all say hi to mummy!But I am filled with sadness. I wanted to be home with my children. Not the other way round. But what can i do. WE need the money. And I am the only one loosing out on the deal.The other 3 are happy.And now my husband has lost sexual interest in me as well.If I initiate, he is happy to, but he never initiates himself anymore.When I tell him, he apologises and says he will do better. But he never does...I now feel like i am only needed for my ability to earn money.I feel disconnected.At work I only think about the children, and when I get home, they dont want me as they used to anyway. And my husband doesnt want me either.I feel like the man in the relationship. And I hate it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): Hi
Thanks for all the responses.
I am working in a training job. If I stop now, I will have lost all the studying I have done.
I finish in 2010. Then I can continue to work as I do, or dictate my hours and lower salary as needed.
I just have to last until then.
But the children will be 3 years older then...
I have tried to talk to hubby.
He says he cant support us now, but as his working from home picks up, maybe he will...
Then I can do what I want. But he knows how long I've pushed to get this job and how much competition I had to eliminate to get where i am.
The sex thing is harder.
He seems to have lost all desire it since he became "mummy".
Last week he even suggested that he sleeps in spare room so my sleep would not be interupted (since I am so stressed)by his snoring.
Does he not know that there are men at my work, that will disrespect the fact that i am married?
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Anon poster, if you wish to hear from someone who is in a similar situation, send me a PM.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (29 July 2008):
Let's clear the decks of the soapboxes and shine that uncomfortable spotlight on you for the length of this reply...
According to you, your hubby is happy and you are not. If it's evident to any reader of your post that you are not happy I can only imagine what is going through your husband's mind.
There's only one person who can change this view on your life and your world and she stares back at you all the time in your mirror. Yes, there are barriers to change that we all fabricate in our minds. But they are only in our minds. Can you imagine what life would be like if you were part of your happy family? If yes, then there is hope!
It's a tired refrain, but communication with your hubby and your kids will save you from the miserable life you believe you have. Your family is your support system - never forget that. They have found peace in their situations and I am sure that they desperately want the same peace for you.
Your children will probably teach you all you need to know to move forward with the change you desire. They are very good at listening to their inner voice and acting upon what it says. That is probably why they seem so content. Your hubby is taking his cue from your kids as well and he is content.
Your inner voice is the only thing that counts right now. Everything else is noise. Ask your kids to help you listen to your inner voice. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Sorry, I meant to answer this question yesterday.
Your frustration and unhappiness comes through loud and clear, and I know it's difficult to be in this situation. You sound stressed from work as well.
I think that you need to step waaay back from your situation and try to look at this objectively. You and your husband should be a team, working together toward the goals you set for yourself, and balancing the demands that life in the form of children, work and marriage make on you both. Try to go back to what you discussed even before you got married--what did you want from life?
Sometimes I think that people live lop-sided lives, rather than balanced ones, and it's often just slowly evolved into that imbalance, it doesn't happen overnight. You find yourself in a high-powered, high-stress (hopefully well-paying) career for a reason. SOMEthing about it appealed to you, at least at the start. But now it sounds like it is taking way too much of your time and your energy.
Maybe it's time to find another job that isn't so high-stress and requires such long hours. Maybe the simple solution is to downsize your expectations of how much money you really need to live a balanced, happier life.
And you need to tell your husband how your feeling, as calmly and as lovingly as you can, about this stress level you're experiencing, and the jealousy as well.
You've also built up some resentment toward him for not pulling his financial weight, and for not being sexual and intimate with you any more. Maybe it's a catch-22; he feels your buried anger and resentment and rather than making him feel loving and desiring you, it pushes him away. The cycle continues.
You AND he need to find a way to break this cycle. It's going to take communication, effort, compromise, sacrifice, probably a fair amount of fights before you two, AS A TEAM, work out what is best for your family and all of the members therein.
Time to talk with him, calm, loving, receptive, listening, willing to compromise. Get back to that team feeling, that 'two of us against the world'. You HAVE to communicate with each other. You don't know, he may have built up a fair amount of resentment toward you too. Take your feelings, your goals, examine them with him, and find the balanced, common ground that will make both of you as happy as possible.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 As a man, THOUGH SHIT!
Basically you are saying that men should have the high stress job and barely get to see the kids while the women can stay at home, have a relaxed life and play with the kids.
Oh dear, feminism is having a dark day today.
Maybe you two can meet in the middle with part-time jobs?
But right now you are saying "I hate my part in the relationship, he should have it so I can enjoy the good part".
On behalf of every male who worked himself to death in a bad job to provide for an ungrateful wife. HOW DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOOT!
Vengance is a dish best served cold and to a complete stranger.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife +, writes (28 July 2008):
 "Where there's a will, there's a way"
"When the going get tough, the tough get going"
In my opinion, you're totally right. It should be the other way around. (That's the kind of family I grew up in.)
I like to be in charge of things and to come home greeted by my girl and a hot meal. I feel as if I deserve it, I feel good. I feel like a man. Because of that, I treat my woman good. I want to give her pleasure because I feel like it.
You say you feel like a man. How do you think he feels? I think he's aware of whats going on. His pride is probably hurt, he doesn't feel as if he's making love to "HIS woman" but "HIS man" instead. That's not a nice feeling to have.
It's a primitive thinking, I know, but that's how most parents raise their kids to think.
Albert Einstein said "We are born geniuses and thought how to be idiots."
Hope this help.
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