A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for just over two years, during the last few months our relationship has become - to my mind - quite strained. Our sex life is actually non existent, we had sex about a week before our second aniversery, prior to that there had been a period of some 350 days of next to no contact and certainly not sex. Now in the early days of our relationship we couldn't keep our hands off each other and were at it several times a day sometimes. Apparently she's always had issues with sexuality, which I'd come to accept and was willing to compromise on, so our sexlife ebbed, slowed and then stopped outright. Anytime I've made overtures of a sexual kind or seemed interested I'm rebuffed as she now seems disgusted by the act. Addionally we've stopped seeing so much of each other because she needs her space,initially we lived in each others pockets but now I only see her once or twice a week during these times she's often distant and shys away from affection. Even more recently she's started going clubing with one of her male friends (I'm not suspicious of him or anything like that), he actually invited me to go out with them, but later she uninvited me saying that I wouldn't enoy myself and she just wants to be with her friends and (oddly) doesn't understand my objection to her being flirted with by other men, "don't I trust her"? she asks. then again the space thing came up. What I can't understand is how I can be crowding her when I barely see her? She says she loves me but to be honest I don't think she's in love with me. I love her passionately, I think she's beautiful, but my self respect is begining to feel the strain, I don't know how much more rejection and being kept on a string I'm willing to take.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've had a talk since I wrote this. I've told her how I felt and that I wanted to know whats going on, not about the sex thing, about her being so distant when we're together and quite often treating me like a sack of shit.
The upshot is this, we got together within about six whichs of her breaking up with her ex, as a result she didn't have any time to be single or to be in her own headspace. She wants to be single or to have been single for longer, she says that I'm the one she could settle down with but that because of that she feels trapped, like her life has been mapped out already. I know that some of this is my my fault, I took my persuit of her to quickly to the catch and made myself a rebound, albeit one that lasted for two years.
We're going away for two weeks in a few days, the holiday was booked ages ago so we thought it'd be a good test to see if being in each others company for two weeks is going to make a difference, or just see what happens. The conversation we had was quite frank and emotional, so I think this might well be our last gasp. I probably haven't expressed myself very well here, I do feel hurt by how this has happened, but I don't blame her. I've seen how much this is hurting both of us and that can't be faked. Anyway I'll be closer to a resolution in a few weeks, either way I'll regret nothing.
A
female
reader, Wise Woman of the Forest +, writes (27 June 2010):
 I wouldn't suggest cutting down all communication, but maybe give her this "space" she needs and when you do see her, perhaps bring her flowers or take her for a romantic meal. Make her want to see you again, remember what you used to do at the start that made her so crazy about you, maybe bring that up the next time you see her. The "remember when we did this..." proves very effective.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): It sounds like she isn't admitting to what's really brought her behaviour on, she is hiding what's wrong perhaps because she doesn't know how to tell you. It could be a deep psycological problem, a bad past experience or something thjat's happened during your relationship that she is hiding, or it could be a simple thing that is turning her off the idea of sex. I once had a boyfriend who looked at a lot of naked women on the internet, and porn and so on. I told him to stop because it was upsetting me, and he did for a while, but then I found out he was looking at it again, but he didn't know I knew. I kept quiet because I felt I couldn't stop him and what use would it be trying. But I gradually became not only turned off by sex with him, but repulsed by the idea, and our sex life also became non existent. Sorry to go off on my ramble, but I'm just mebtioning that, because if the problem with your girlfriends lack of sexual interest is only a simple one that could be solved, it could be something along those lines. Either way, you should sit down with her and tell her that you can't hold on to your patients any longer, it's your right to know what's causing her to act that way, she may not even realise the damage she's doing to the relationship by hiding whatever it is that she's hiding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): you were so close to her in the beginning of your relationship that maybe she needs space from you.she may feel that because you and her spent so much time together that she was missing out on her social life and lossing friends, and this may be a reason why she is going out clubbing with friends and spending time with them a lot as she is trying to make up for lost time.don't be jealous of this male friend she has, you should trust her and if he invited you out then there isn't much reason why you shouldn't even though she uninvited you. however she could have done that because she wants to be with her friends or maybe she feels that you may take over and become close friends with her friends. when boyfriends befriend your friends it can feel daunting and even controlling in some ways, like you don't want anyone to have you or maybe she thinks by you becoming friends with them you can check up on if you get suspicious.just be romantic, take her for dinner or even cook her a meal, you don't have to be sexually intimate with her for your relationship to stay alive.she might feel that your relationship revolves around sex and other intimate actions so is trying to change that because she wants something more.be understanding and don't give up just yet.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Something is upsetting her and there is a shut down in communication. What happened after the second anniversary that made her fall out of love? "Don't I trust her?" Nice try. Unless there is no heavy smooching, genital contact, they are just having fun with friends. Like flirting with guys is going to solve whatever psychological blocks she is having. She prefers to sneak out to get her selfish needs met than talk to you and solve problems. She doesn't want to admit she has a problem and seek help for herself. There is nothing you can do. You have done enough being patient and understanding. Sometimes it's not your job to be her savior. Know that deep down inside she's hurting much more than you are. She's not really having much fun clubbing.
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