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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Is it weird that I don't want children? Sometimes I feel like a freak. All the women in my family are VERY fertile, they all have kids and most started at young ages. Even all the men in my family have or want children. So when I tell my mother and sisters that I don't want children it's like a sin to them, they find it very strange and look at me like I'm a horrible person and tell me I will change my mind one day. I'm only 20 so I know I'm still very young anyway. But EVERY girl I know from my school now have children. My boyfriend of 3 years says he'd like kids one day also. I don't know why I don't, I just don't like kids and I guess you could call me selfish as I know I'd always want my own life and spend my own money on myself. Is this weird and will this effect being with my boyfriend? We plan on marrying when we're older.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): The poster who commented "It frightens me how one's identity gets reduced to only that of a mother."
I agree. And I think it's unhealthy when people tie up their entire self worth in their kids and families. The thing is, I really think this is only happening recently.
people have been having children since the beginning of civilization (obviously) yet I don't think they made such a big deal out of Parenthood. I think it's only in our society now that people glorify Parenthood so much and elevate it practically to the level of sainthood. The baby-products industry only became this multibillion dollar industry in recent years, it wasn't always!
People did not use to be so entire focused on their children as the be-all and end-all as now. People did not use to revolve their entire lives and identities around reproducing themselves as they do now. It used to be that the adults in the family came first, then the children so the children grew up respecting their elders rather than thinking the world revolves around them (and being unable to handle the real world as adults). It used to be that families included children, now families are all about the children and the adults are secondary. It used to be that children were a part of your life not your entire life, and that it was OK for it to be that way. Now it's no longer OK for children to be part of your life, people are pressured that they are 'bad parents' (i.e. Bad People) if they are not centering their lives around their children and smothering them with attention and resources.
Studies have shown that parents spend more time with their children now than in previous generations. This is not necessarily a bad thing by itself, except that it often goes hand in hand with the parents over investing themselves emotionally into their children to the point it's unhealthy.
most of my friends, once they had kids, no longer were interested in anything except their kids. They became very selfish and narcissistic thinking the whole world revolves around their household. They have no interest in what's going on in other people's lives, but they expect you to show unlimited interest in their kids. I can understand this happening initially the first time you become a new parent. But no, they have become like that permanently. And with each new kid they have, they become even more wrapped up in themselves.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 I'm 28 and I don't want children either. It's probably because I fear the monotony of a conventional family life...having to schedule my life around their lives. I wouldn't be able to go off somewhere impulsively (like I tend to do often) and it seems like a gigantic responsibility. I see how my sister's life revolves entirely around her children. She doesn't go to parties because she has to help the children do homework. She won't go on trips because the children have school. She doesn't drink because she has to get up early to get them ready for school and then go to work. She's never on the phone for more than a minute because otherwise the children kick up a fuss. It frightens me how one's identity gets reduced to only that of a mother. Yes, I know Indian mothers tend to overdo things and I don't want to be like that. I also think I'd end up being too much of a disciplinarian and not be a good, patient mother.
I also don't appreciate how my father's life revolves entirely around mine. He has nothing personal, his children are everything. This entire thing is too frightening for me.
I'm sharing my fears with you because yours might be somewhat identical. You're not a freak. Lots of women don't want children for a multitude of reasons. You're just one of them. Have a child only when you really want to because a child deserves to born only to a family where it's truly wanted.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 I don't want kids either and I'm 29 now, so I'm pretty sure I know what I want and what I don't want! Sure I get the occasional "we have to talk" session with my mom, where she sits me down and tries to convince me to get married and have a baby so that I'll have someone to call my own. I don't necessarily agree, I am not someone who's ever liked kids or wanted one of my own.
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female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 I don't want kids either. I'm only 16, but the thought of being responsible for and raising one scares me. Especially raising a teenager, I'd probably be too overbearing, or always wondering if I'm raising them right. I love newborns and 1 yr olds but I'm not crazy about kids older than that and my opinion probably won't change. You have a right to an opinion and how you want to live your life. Don't let your family tell you otherwise. My parents say the same, but only I truly know how I want to live my life, so it doesn't bother me, and I'll worry about that issue when the time comes because I'm still just a teen. If your boyfriend may want kids one day, then you really need to talk and come up with a solution, whether it's adoption or waiting 10 more years or another option. Don't wait until this becomes an issue and may ruin your relationship. You both deserve to be happy, so try to come up with a compromise so one or both of you don't feel shortchanged.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): you're not weird nor selfish at all. in fact if you stick to your convictions and dont' have kids (unless you genuinely change your mind) you're to be admired. I mean look, lots of people who have children do so BECAUSE they are selfish. They had kids because they want to pass on their genes, or to look normal and fit in because that's what's expected of them, or so they won't feel weird because everyone else is doing it, or because they are afraid of ending up alone in their old age. These are all selfish reasons to have kids, and are common, and yet no one questions it. But say honestly you don't want children and people feel the need to make negative judgments on your character.
IF you should change your mind in the future, then you can have kids or adopt if and when that ever happens. And as long you dont' change your mind, then there's nothing wrong with never having kids.
However, if you're in a relationship then you need to be with a partner who shares your view or who doesn't care one way or the other.
These formulas can work out:
a) both partners want kids
b) both partners do not want kids
c) one partner wants kids, the other is OK either way
d) one partner does not want kids, the other is OK either way
Most relationships fall into one of the above categories and thus don't end over this issue (but can end for a million other reasons!!).
However, if you have:
d) one partner really wants kids, the other really does not
this is a recipe for disaster and where I think the relationship should be ended because there's no way to compromise so no matter what happens one partner "wins" and the other "loses", and it's forever. this can create a deep resentment in the relationship that lasts a lifetime: Such as:
if you end up never having kids but your partner wants them, he may forever feel unfulfilled and blame you. He may put up with his unhappiness for years and then finally leave you for a younger woman so he can have kids. (remember: men can still have kids no matter how old they get...so a man may feel it's never too late for him to leave a relationship if he really can't handle not having kids, and go in search of a woman who's still young and fertile to bear his children)
If you end up having kids just to please your partner and keep him, you may honestly love and bond with your kids but still feel an unhappiness in living a life that you don't want, and feeling underlying resentment toward your partner for it, and on top of that, feeling guilty since it's not politically correct to say that having kids wasn't the best thing that's ever happened to you even though deep down it really wasn't. it can lead to a lifetime of mixed-feelings about how satisfied you are with your life and relationship/marriage, you may feel that you're a phony living someone else's life and get burned out.
If you're talking about marriage some day (even if it's supposed to be 10 years in the future) then absolutely you need to talk with your bf about this. he may need to examine whether he really wants kids, or if he's just going along blindly following the herd without questioning what he actually wants. Even if he doesnt' want kids now but is SURE that he does in the far out future, well, that future will arrive eventually and then what? If the writing is already on the wall, why waste more time when you could both be finding more compatible life partners.
You may decide now to continue the relationship for now but with the agreement that if, say, in 5-10 years' time you're still together (haven't broken up for other reasons) AND neither of you has changed their minds about kids, THEN you will part ways.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): It's not weird or out of the ordinary not to want children, but you WILL have to go through the rest of your life having people like your family tell you that you're weird or selfish for not wanting kids.
I find it ironic that people think that those of us who all my friends who have kids, do it because they feel this need to reproduce themselves (i.e. they would not want to adopt, they only want their own flesh and blood children). How egotistical and selfish is that?
I have friends who were not in dire need of kids and ended up having them and then were happy they did it. I have friends who were sitting on the fence, and ended up having kids purely because they were afraid of not fitting in with the rest of society, and ended up feeling happy because to them it was really important to fit in with society so they got what they wanted.
I also have other friends who really, really, did not want kids but ended up having them because the spouse insisted or due to peer pressure and family pressure. in the end the need to fit in with the masses trumped being true to themselves. They do love their children, but I think they feel a terrible ambivalence about their marriages and lives overall, and a terrible shame and guilt for feeling that way because it's not "allowed" to admit to anyone that you regret having kids, it's practically blasphemous in our kid-centric society. One of my friends did admit to me that he regretted having kids, and he was overcome with guilt and shame as he said it, and no his wife and family do not know he feels this way. It's a horrible psychological place to be in - feeling love and attachment to your kid because it's your kid so you now have an emotional investment in them, and yet also regretting it at the same time. I pity him and others like him.
that said I also have friends who are single or married but childless by choice, and they are much more balanced, sane and drama-free than those who had kids but didn't want them.
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female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (13 April 2012):
 That's actually kind of how I am too! I really do not like children. I don't really care for changing some smelly thing's diapers, or carrying ANYTHING in my womb for nine months, or anything to do with babies.
My whole family is highly family-friendly, and both my mom and grandmother say my opinion will change in time, but I don't think so!
Ironically, my boyfriend also wants a kid, but I'm trying to sell him on the idea of fostering or adopting a slightly older kid. Perhaps you could do research on fostering or adopting? And maybe you're like me, it's just young children and babies you don't like. If that's the case, then fostering 6+ year olds, or something, might not be a bad idea for you.
But if you just don't like the idea of raising anyone or anything, then you need to tell your boyfriend, and hopefully he'll understand :)
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 April 2012):
 I never wanted children til my late 20's. And honestly, I only had my first because my husband really wanted one. I figured why not, just one. I now have 3 and would do that again.
However, I ENTERED the marriage telling my husband I was unsure, and he left the decision up to me.
In relationships always be sore you are on the same page as your partner. If having kids is an absolute NO for you, be sure your partner knows, accepts and support that choice.
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female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 Whether or not this has an effect on your relationship with your boyfriend, you are not horrible, or a freak or weird.
Just remember, that you can always change your mind in years to come. But then again, why should you?
I have a couple of friends who never wanted children. They always said they wouldn't have children and now they're older, guess what? They don't have children. One is single and the other married and as far as I'm concerned, they're just my friends, same as they always were.
You can take what you want from what other people think. But it's your life, and only you know how to live it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): I don't want children either, nothing wrong or unusual with that.
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female
reader, Tez7  +, writes (13 April 2012):
Hello,Dont let yourself feel this way, there are plenty of women just like you. Im the same. My family all look at me strangely when i say i dont want children, my dad especially cant believe it because he loves children so much, they all do! so dont think your a freak.true you might change your mind, ive heard that too from my family but you never know.you are definitely not selfish, just different. why should'nt you enjoy the life you have going on holiday, spending money on yourself, all the perks that come without children. theres nothing wrong with enjoying your life the way you want to.there is nothing weird about it at all, maybe one day you will have children, maybe you wont. as long as your happy it doesnt matter.if you are both planning to marry soon then you should both talk about this, especially if you have different views.good luck, i wish you all the best!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I don't think you should call it selfish to not want children. Maaaany choose to have children for selfish reasons! I don't know how many teenagers decide they want a cute, little baby even without having any means to care for it. Now if you ask me THAT is selfish. You not wanting children doesn't at all make you selfish.
Children is something people either want or don't want, you know? It's not a sin either way. If you don't feel it in you then that's fine. But yes, given that everyone around you are popping them out (excuse the expression) it will cause people to raise an eyebrow when you say you aren't into it.
You might change your mind later on. You never know. Some people are dead sure, others just don't "feel" the mother-instinct in them at the moment, but could picture kids later on. It variates. Some want kids early on and then change their minds and end up adopting instead when they are in their 40's, or having kids in their 40's. It's becoming more and more common to wait with having children.
Anyway, the most important thing here is that if you KNOW you do not, EVER, want children, then you need to let your boyfriend know. If he wants kids then he needs to know that you do not want kids. You have to tell him.
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A
male
reader, tottenhamhotspur  +, writes (13 April 2012):
Nope!
I don't want children either and would only date a girl who doesn't. My current girlfriend doesn't want kids. She is still loving and caring. Nothing wrong what so ever.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 April 2012):
 No, it's not weird that you don't want children. It's perfectly common. The thing for you is to not make a big deal about it. You don't need to bring it up with your family, just live your life. They'll eventually come around and when you move out, it won't be as big an issue for you.
As for your boyfriend and marriage, well, yes, that WILL be an issue, if he wants children and you don't. You have to decide what works for you and he will have to decide what works for him. For some people, not having children would be a deal-breaker. We can't speak for your boyfriend, he has to determine that for himself. If he feels strongly that he wants children, then you two are not compatible life partners and you may as well face that now.
There are those who will get upset that you aren't living life as they think it should be laid out. You will have to learn to ignore them. It's part of making decisions for yourself and being comfortable in your own skin. You'll get there. For now, though, lay off on having discussions about your decision, it's no one's business but your own (and your boyfriend's, but that's a private matter), so there's no need to create drama about it. It's not your job to change their minds, just as it is not their job to change yours.
You'll be fine, just be sure to marry a man who is with you on the no-children decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): I knew that I didn't want children when I was 19. I had a partner that didn't respect that choice, at the time, and lots of people told me that I would change my mind. I am 26 now and I still don't have children.
While you may change your mind it doesn't mean that you will. If your partner wants children in some years to come and you still don't... don't give them to him. Children are a make and break issue, it's true, but you shouldn't have to risk not liking a child to save a relationship where your common goals are not the same.
You're not a freak. There's a forum called the childfree life... you can talk to people there and they will tell you the same.
Also... all of your friends are far to young to have children...!
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I don't want children, at least not until my early 30's. I'm good with kids, but I only like them in small doses. My parents look at me like I'm an alien when I say I'm not sure I want them too.
To be fair, I'm sure if you had kids of your own, you'd want to spend money on them and become invested in their lives. But there's nothing wrong with you at all. There's no way we can tell how this will affect your boyfriend, just like you don't want kids while some of your friends do, your boyfriend will have his own opinion. You'll have to talk to him about it.
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