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I feel guilty I cheated on my boyfriend with his boss

Tagged as: Cheating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 12 December 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I’m 20 and my boyfriend is 22. We’ve been together for about 2 1/2 years and I’m beyond happy with him. The other night, we were fighting and I ended up leaving our apartment and just going for a drive when I stopped at the gas station and saw his boss. He’s very close to his boss and sees him almost as a father.

His boss is 42 and married and I’m friendly with his wife too. We’ve all gone out on double dates before. So I was at the gas station and we were talking (we were both alone) and he asked if I wanted to get a drink with him at the bar next door and I said yes. It seemed harmless and I wasn’t doing anything.

So we get to the bar and we were talking about what happened and basically, we were fighting because I said that I want to have kids eventually and he said he doesn’t. It was just a little argument and I got really upset and left. We would have gotten over it quickly.

After a few shots, we started to get really tipsy and the talking turned into flirting which turned into, “Let’s go back in the truck.” So I was outside his truck smoking a cigarette and he grabbed me from behind and we started kissing, went back into his truck, and u guys know what went on after that.

I feel SO guilty, it’s been almost a week and I haven’t heard anything from the boss and my boyfriend told me that he hasn’t been into the store lately and I feel so stupid.

How do I tell my boyfriend? I definitely just ruined my relationship over something so stupid.

View related questions: cheated on my boyfriend, flirt, kissing

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (12 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou wanting children and him not is enough to break up a relationship because you both want different thing.

Honestly I am not sure how you are going to tell him but you need to do it soon. I hope when you see the look on his face it will make you realize how damaging cheating is and how it destroys someone.

You just need to be honest with him about it. He looks at his boss like a father figure but sure his boss is sleazy and took advantage off a young upset girl. He should be old enough to know better and I think his wife deserves to know the truth as well. Be the better person and tell the truth.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2017):

What you did here really puts you in a tough position. There are really only two reasonable options. If you plan to try to salvage the relationship, you’ll have to tell him the truth about your infidelity. He has a right to know (I’m sure you’d want to know if the situation was reversed) and his boss may tell him what happened someday anyway. He needs to hear it from you if there’s a chance at reconciliation. If you think the relationship is likely finished for other reasons, then I would break it off and not mention the indiscretion with his boss. No need to complicate things at that point. Life is sometimes complicated and we have to own our mistakes and live with the consequences.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (8 December 2017):

Garbo agony auntSo imagine your BF talking to his boss, and the boss brims in satisfaction that he banged his GF. This being a close circuit, at some point, that creepy boss will dump subtle hints that he has had his woman and all of this will be exposed... while you keep denying.

It is also very apparent what that boss thinks of you, which is that you are nothing, or just a free sex that he can have so he can brim with joy that he banged his employees wife. Lot of men are like that and that boss being a creep, he is is no different.

Another scenario that can also ensue, and I've seen it happen, is that the boss sees that you haven't told your BF, so he figures he'll bang you more because you won't say anything anyway. He can threaten with telling him or threaten with firing your BF if you don't give him sex. Creeps operate like that.

So not telling your BF carries really nasty consequences which can open doors for more extortion from you. I also bet that boss will come for more from you.

I'm just being realistic here because "banging" is the way creeps think and they want to make it easy for them.

Now, had you had sex with some stranger, I could see little to no risk of you saying nothing. You'd get STD check and move on, and hope that somewhere, years from now, guilt does not overtakes you and you have to confess, in which case you would ruin even more of your boyfriends life.

Finally, what you did is a cliche - upset drunk girl blames alcohol for a random sex she had so now feels regret for missing her moral purity. It happens so much that I think it is done on purpose in order to have a tangible reason to break up with the BF. I think you've gotten that tangible reason, so I'd suggest you break up with him so that telling him that you had sex with his boss is optional.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2017):

This is the ugly honesty part coming out of me, but I probably wouldn't tell him. If you and the boss know for sure it was a mistake and can keep it a secret, then do that. If he doesn't want kids and you absolutely do, break up with him because thats too big of a factor and ignoring it will do nothing but make it worse down the line. Either you'll have kids and he wont be into it, or you wont have kids and be unsatisfied.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with N91, you need to own your actions and accept the consequences.

Which means you NEED to tell your BF that you cheated.

Having had a fight is no excuse neither is drinking. While I do think you got carried away with the idea that this older guy seemed attracted to you and sympathetic to your "plight" - you could have said no this isn't a good idea a couple of times. Like, not get into his truck... WHY would you need to sit and "talk" in his truck? And when he kissed you or suggested the backseat...

And yes, I will say I find the actions of your BF's boss disgusting. What a creep sleaze.

If you want kids and your BF doesn't. Maybe you also need to consider that long-term... he might not BE the right guy for you. But that is beside the point.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (6 December 2017):

N91 agony auntI have to disagree with wiseoldmans advice.

I think you have lost the right to decide what happens here by betraying your BF. Don't use drinking as an excuse, you still know the difference between right and wrong when you're drunk and if you get into states where you can't mentally make a decision and stop something from happening then you shouldn't be drinking.

This isn't something you can beat around the bush with. Sit him down and tell him what you did, it's now up to HIM, the outcome of this relationship. You are upset that he doesn't want kids and you had a decision to make regarding the relationshi's future. You then made a decision to sleep with his boss , meaning now it's only fair that he gets to chose whether he stays with you, just like you would of with the children thing.

I really disagree with people who say to hide cheating, if you're low enough to betray someone you're supposed to love and you can go on acting like nothing happened then you've got some nerve.

Own what you did and then let your BF decide what happens from here.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2017):

This could ruin more than your relationship but also his working life will be awful, he will want a different job and in this current age jobs are hard to come by.

What you did was awful and you know that, but drinking is no excuse. The boss has shown he is a dishonest and untrustworthy man, being 20 years older than you he should've done the decent thing and got you a lift back home so you were safe jot take advantage of the fact you'd had an argument and were drunk.

Your relationship though really needs looking at. You wanting kids, and your partner not wanting kids, is a massive deal and even if the argument calmed down after a few days that issue will still be there. You can't stay with someone thinking they will change their king about having children because often they do not.

Your boyfriend deserves to make the decision as to whether he wants to stay with you, if you still want to be together then you can spend your life lying. If. You decide that perhaps the relationship is not great, and that issue of having kids is quite a big deal then it is easier to break up and not tell him, to save the heartache finding out you cheated.

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A male reader, wiseoldman United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2017):

I'm not going to judge you, but rather the older man who slept with an employees's girlfriend in the back of a truck. Very classy on his part on both counts; you were regrettably swept along.

You'll only ruin things if you can't keep it a secret, so do that. It's better than upsetting your boyfriend, and I assure you he'll be very upset indeed.

Youth is a time for experimenting and it's just as well you got this one out of the way. I doubt you'll do the same thing again so it was a valuable albeit nasty learning experience for this or any subsequent relationship.

There's earnest innocence and there's practicality. Sometimes discretion is best. Be discrete, say nothing, deny everything if it comes to that, and don't do anything of that nature again. The lesson you've learned is both your punishment and your atonement.

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