A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for 18 months with a great guy.This is an intensely passionate but in my opinion emotionally healthy relationship.We have hurdles but we have overcome them.Apart from one massive issue which is my fears of abandonment .Recently we agreed that we would not see each other on Saturday eve .We briefly chatted in the day .My partner said he needed some time to relax and chill .Normally we chat every eve for at least half an hour.This Saturday he didn't text but responded with a pic and said he was having a beer and alone and then watching football at a restraunt. I became completely erratic I text him and called him once by he wouldn't answer his phone.He said he would talk to me tomorrow.We continued to chat via text but by this point I was in tears.He text me back goodnight and good morning at 9am.We spoke on Sunday and he said that he just needed a bit of space and that he chose not to speak to me on Saturday because of this.He said I need to trust him and that he has not ever cheated. I feel confused and anxious.Is his behaviour odd or am l completely overreacting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2019): I know my response is delayed. You probably have all the answers you need; but here's just one more. If it doesn't help you, maybe another reader in the same predicament.
Trust is what feeds and energizes our love for someone. You have to learn to keep each and every relationship separate. You also have to let-go of the past. The past is a time-period of gaining experience and knowledge to be applied in the future. The past is our accumulation of lessons, challenges, growth, and development.
We shouldn't allow ourselves to remain lifelong victims of those who have hurt or disappointed us in the past. We live in the present. We have a choice to forget, or to hold-on to memories.
We can't live in both the past and the present at the same time. We can't punish people currently in our lives; with crimes perpetrated by other people from the past. Exes who have absolutely nothing to do with whom we are with currently. In no-way, shape, or form do you have a right to make your current boyfriend responsible for your past injuries and old wounds. He deserves better than that. He should be judged on his own merit. Responsible for only what he does to you. Getting space and enjoying me-time is not abandonment. Guess what smothering is?
If you are not healthy enough to allow him space; you will sabotage the relationship, and you might hurt yourself. You will hurt him too.
You're not a perfect person. Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes; and sometimes they will hurt you by mistake, or on purpose. We live-on regardless. It's called perseverance. It's resilience. It's determination. It's life.
You have a lifetime to live; and you'll find the world doesn't revolve around your fears and insecurities. At some point, you have to join the rest of humanity; and deal with us, and our shortcomings. If you were ever abandoned by anyone before; lo and behold, you're still here. The good news is that they're gone! They can't hurt you anymore.
You can cling to the past as long as you want.
All the drama with the tears and demanding of around-the-clock attention is expected of infants and small children. As adults, we learn how to control our impulses, subdue erratic behavior, and we have to learn not to just give-in to them. With the deliberate intent to manipulate; or to project guilt, and the undue responsibility on people to cater to our weaknesses. We have to grow-up, and outgrow hurt leftover from times-past. Get over it, or stay out of relationships! They're risky!
Disappointment and rejection are not lethal diseases; and love is not enslavement. Your present boyfriend is not responsible for what other men (your previous choices I should add) did to you. You have to forgive people and move on. Distrust is a choice. It can be a symptom of trauma; but sometimes people cling to it. Not always due to mental-disorder or PTSD; but because they are so self-centered. Anything that causes them discomfort turns them into victims; and anybody who wants to try and love them are also charged with the responsibility of catering to their unrelenting ever-present insecurities.
Insecurity kills relationships.
If you want love, you've got to trust. Even if you might get disappointed again. God forgives us, because He knows humans have weaknesses. We sometimes repeat mistakes. He'll forgive us anyway. You want love from another human being. It means you have to take risks, maybe something could go wrong; but that is how life goes. You have now planted in his head you don't trust him; now you have to make sure that you don't sabotage your relationship by throwing fertilizer on it.
As excruciatingly difficult as that might be; you can make yourself behave and trust him. If you don't, fault yourself for the outcome. The relationship isn't just about you and your feelings; he has feelings too. People need air and space; and no one is in charge of reassuring you, because you can't control your own fears. It may be better to seek professional-help; before placing yourself in relationships that end due to badly-managed insecurities/anxiety. Another failed-relationship may traumatize you all the more. It doesn't have to be all his fault.
I wish you the very best. I hope our advice will be beneficial; and this will be the best relationship you've ever had. Even if it isn't, you will survive. You have survived the others, that means you're strong.
God bless you!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 March 2019):
 If you don't heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn't cut you. Get help to learn how to cope with your issues before your fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Don't make HIM suffer for something others have done to you. Learn to be strong and rise above what happened in the past. You CAN do it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 March 2019):
 Wow, OP
He can't even take a day off to chill without you falling apart?
You are in the AGE group who gr up WITHOUT having a cell phone attached to you and should remember what it was like when people would BE BUSY with life and not constantly near a phone!
YOU need to deal with your abandonment issues and NOT by bombarding him with calls because he take a day out of the calendar to just chill. OBVIOUSLY it's a bit too much for him to constantly deal with your need for reassurance all the time. Having abandonment issues doesn't GIVE you the right to try and control him.
HE CAN NOT FIX your abandonment issues. And if you KEEP that needy and clingy behavior up, HE will decide that HE needs to walk away permanently.
OP, these issues you have ARE YOURS. YOURS to deal with and YOURS to work on and YOURS to fix.
Do it.
I don't find his behavior odd at all. I think he is really trying to set up boundaries in a really mature way. And yes, people in relationships and marriages CAN have healthy boundaries.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much.I totally agree with all the comments.l know it's my problem and not his .I have taken a step back and know that if I continue this behaviour I will lose him .My heart tells me he's a good guy but my head goes into overdrive as I've had some very toxic relationships in the past and due to other issues trusting someone is very hard for me.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 March 2019):
 Erratic over what?
I’m completely lost here. He didn’t respond? He sent you a picture. That’s a response in my book. Your fear of abandonment will become a reality if you continue behaving like this. I’m really struggling to see what you flipped out over. He said he needed some time on his own to relax, what’s wrong with that? Everyone needs a bit of me time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): His behaviour is not the problem. The problem lies with you. I can understand your guy wanting some space from your anxiety and to be honest, he's done it in the most understanding way and also not to feed into your anxiety also. He is entitled to alone time like everyone, including yourself. It's important that what you do as individuals contributes to the realtionship.
You need to seek help to deal with your anxiety, maybe try CBT training. If you don't deal with these issues now then you will lose your man completely.
I wish you the best of luck hon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): To me it sounds like you are a bit overreacting. If you speak everyday for half an hour, on top of your usual dates, then it sounds like you have a close relationship, and also like it might do good for the both of you to "have a night off" once in a while.
However, if you really feel this anxious about it, you should confide your partner in this - just tell him what you feel in a sensible manner. It's important to have this kind of communication in a relationship, and 18 months is long enough to share these kinds of thoughts and feelings.
If you were thinking that he was with someone else (in a romantic situation) then there is no reason to think this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): Your fears of abandonment are causing him to set up boundaries. These are normally much more organic and less solid in relationships but perhaps you have a habit of calling and texting until you get a response? This is controlling behaviour and he is right not to react to it. It's not the norm to do this so his requests have to be extraordinary. Accept his boundaries and seek help for your abandonment issues. Good luck
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