A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been using a popular dating app and marchebwkth a guy who also put that he was looking for a relationship on his profile. He asked me out and we had a great date this Friday . Lots of laughs, chemistry, etc. I was careful to keep things light and casual; I didn’t want to come on too strong. He walked me to my car and asked me to go on a second date. I said yes and he texted me 10 minutes after I left. We had a good conversation (I showed the messages to friends and they agreed) Then he went on a trip and I have not heard heard from him. I know he’s back in town. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. I’ll go on what seems to be a very good date and then never hear back. I’m not naive- I think I can tell when someone is into me. I’ve been burned badly before in relationships, so it’s hard for me to get back out there. Things happening like this erode my confidence and make me not want to keep trying! How do I keep a position attitude?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): Oh, Sweety! I had been there before multiple times. The problem with online dating in our generation is that people like to keep their options open, and trust me, nothing is exclusive. He might be not emotionally ready to look for something meaningful like a relationship, just dates work out for him. Having noticed that the equation with you was escalating towards a relationship, he has ghosted you. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. It was convenient for him to disappear cause he might be embarrassed to reveal the truth, plus, if might not get someone good enough, he had kept the option to crawl back to you citing a lame excuse.Don't let this take a toll on your self-esteem. Right swipe more, date more and until you find a deserving guy, don't let your emotions out. You can also check Matthew Hussey's (he's a dating coach) Instagram page. He's been of immense help to me to combat all these issues. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 March 2019):
 Not everyone who puts "looking for a relationship" IS actually looking for a relationship.
I have seen that many times. My BIL had been, for the last 6 years, on dating sites trying to find a good partner and honestly? I have never seen such a bunch of messed up women, with a LOT of baggage and horrible attitudes in my life! Does that mean that ONLY bad people were on the dating site? No. It just meant that my BIL were more focused on the "wrong" things. He BELIEVED what these women put on their profiles because HE himself didn't LIE on his. Which... was a HUGE mistake. I could tell you horror stories here!
YOU CAN NOT take a profile for face value. YOU have to TAKE the time to get to know them. Sometimes the "only" time you get is ONE date. And if that is all you get, then HE isn't for you.
The whole point of dating sites is to have a LARGER dating pool than just sticking with people you meet on nights out, through family, friends and coworkers. BUT that also comes with the "problem" of having to wade through a LOT of people who just aren't your cup of tea or who don't find you THEIR cup of tea.
However, SHARING that ONE point in a profile (that you both want a relationship) might JUST not be enough to make a go of it. If you presume that OH we both WANT a relationship so if we get a long it's JUST going to happen, you will CONTINUE to band your head against a wall.
Having a nice evening out on a first date IS good, but it also doesn't mean it will lead ANYWHERE. Same goes for asking you for a second date.
He might have thought that he WOULD like to see you again, but then met someone he wanted to see MORE. THAT is another "problem" with a bigger dating pool. EVERYONE has more options, not just YOU.
Does it mean that you aren't "good enough to date" ? Nope, it just means that you might NEED to consider the men you DO go on dates with. They might NOT be right for you. And you not right for them.
You can RARELY tell after ONE date if someone is going to be a good match. Seriously. YOU can have a LOVELY conversation with a guy you have NOTHING in common with.
When I first met my husband I thought he was a bit of a smartass. (and he is). But over time there were just things that made us click and fit. It wasn't instant. We have been married over 20 years. Now we didn't meet on a dating site, but that isn't the important thing. The IMPORTANT thing is, that we BOTH took the time to get to know the other person.
If someone doesn't WANT to take the time to get to know you... THEN he isn't worth YOUR time. Or he just doesn't see (from the little he knows of you) that you will be a good fit.
SOME people act like kids in a candy-store when it comes to dating sites. They think the MORE people they talk to the higher the chance of finding "the one" they have. Except, that isn't how it works. If someone is simultaneously talking to 3-5 people they really aren't investing much of anything into getting to know all these people. And they will constantly think they can "do better".
Relax. While your END goal is to meet someone with whom you share enough with that a relationship can come of it, don't make the PRESUMPTION that having ONE good date means HE is the one for you.
If you find it a bit stressful, then take a break from the dating site. Go out with friend and just enjoy life, enjoy youth. Try new things. Spend an evening with a glass of wine and good book.
You sound like you are ON a manhunt, and it might actually show when you are on a date. So while you FEEL like you were "light and casual" that might not have come across as that or.. it came across as TOO "light and casual". BE YOURSELF on a date. Not what you think you should act like to "catch" yourself a man.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (5 March 2019):
 While its true that some people know from the first date that they have found "the one", most of us aren't that lucky and may have to "kiss alot of frogs" before we find someone that we really connect to and wish to continue to date. Remember thats what dating is all about. You are trying to get to know a person to see what you have in common, if you really like the person once you get past the looks. I've went out with some really nice looking guys in the past and they seemed really nice but after one or two dates I realized they werent what I was looking for at all.
Don't wear your heart on your sleeve and don't expect one date to lead to marriage. Its healthy to be optimistic and hopeful but let it get you down if things don't work out. Basically you just have to keep putting yourself out there.
It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you but as wiseowl pointed out, sometimes people just don't click. Most guys are polite enough not to say that they didn't have a good time or that they didn't want to go out again, they just won't call again. They may be dating several people at the same time who knows?
Don't be hard on yourself just be who you are, keep it light and never come across as needy or desperate. Men spot that a mile away. Relax have fun darling...love comes when we least expect it. IT will happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): Just because you indicate that you want a relationship on your profile doesn't mean you'll instantly meet someone who will spontaneously fall in-love with you.
There are no guarantees, no matter what the dating sites advertise.
You'll meet lovely people, they'll be polite, and they'll say they want another date. Meanwhile, they've lined-up dates and meet-ups with other people. If they happen to like someone else better, you probably won't hear from them again.
Remember this. They are single; and they are also looking for what they want, just as you are. A second-date isn't an indication they feel anything for you, it is an opportunity to get better acquainted. Some will ask for another date, with no real intention of contacting you ever again. It's not your fault, some guys are real dicks. Don't become a victim over it. That's being a drama queen!
Some guys aren't really jerks, you're just not his type; but you're too nice to reject you to your face.
You'll save face and grow some immunity to rejection; when you've learned not to be so intense about getting a relationship. Being light and casual is an effort, it doesn't come naturally for you. Your post is a dead-giveaway.
Maybe there were lots of laughs and chemistry for you; but maybe not enough for him. So reserve your final-assessment until after a few more dates have actually materialized. Not on the first, or the second date.
If you allow yourself to be needy; you'll bet on a relationship with each and every dude you meet. Wanting and getting what you want are not the same thing. One is way easier than the other. So, slow your roll. You're setting yourself up for disappointment, because you're too eager.
A guy can tell if you're desperate. He's on high-alert for psycho-chicks or fatal-attractions.
Keep your feelings on reserve until you know whom you're dealing with, and how interested he really is. It takes time to determine that you might be falling for the wrong guy. Don't be desperate, it shows. He's got you on radar.
Don't ask your friends to read his messages or interpret what he means by what he says. Let him do that. You'll build your hopes on conjecture, not fact. They're being supportive, and telling you what you want to hear. Stop hanging your hopes on guys you've only just met. Be grown-up, don't share his messages with friends. It's embarrassing if things don't workout. Just let them know you're seeing someone and you'll update how it goes. That's for safety's sake. Not for their opinions.
You shouldn't take any of this so seriously that you feel "burned." Dating is a hit or miss proposition. Only the strong survive. You can have a great date; but there may be one-sided chemistry. What's chemistry for you, may not be the same-thing for him. Let him tell you what he thinks and feels, stop guessing. If he's always sending mixed-signals, stop seeing him. He's playing with your head, and toying with your emotions.
If disappointment happens to you often, then you should realize it's a common trend in online-dating. Your sense of entitlement insists you should get what you want when you want it. Reality says you'll get what you want when that time comes. I know, because I've been there and done that.
Dating shouldn't erode your confidence. You're still you, whether the date works-out or not.
If you easily go to pieces or disintegrate; because some random dude you hardly know decides he doesn't want to call back. You're going to be destroyed in no time flat!
Your validation and self-esteem shouldn't rest on whether someone instantly likes you. Dating sites offer people many dating prospects; and you are given the same variety of choices. If one fails, you move-on to the next.
You don't sacrifice your self-esteem and confidence on the alter to someone you hardly even know. He has as much right not to like you; as you have to think that you like him. The objective of dating is to search until you find a match. It often doesn't work. "Love don't come easy!" It's evasive.
Not just for you, for everybody!
He would be terribly rude to end the date by saying he hated it. Some guys just prefer to disappear. That's on them, not you. Rude and cowardly as that is, you shouldn't let it reflect on you as a person. Some people aren't nice. Such is the real-world.
You must develop resilience to bounce-back after disappointment and rejection. Control your own self-esteem. Don't expect validation from any man. Don't bet your heart on anyone; before you fully know who he is, and what he's about. Don't let desperation motivate or accelerate your choices. Take an extra-strength chill pill, and enjoy dating for recreation until the right-guy shows-up.
Don't fake casual and light, be casual and light.
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